Has anyone helped their child to be less uptight?

[itwasntmetho]

Okay not an AIBU but I really need the help of the wise ones here.
My ds is 10, he's always been a bit of a victim, has a face on him if something is challenging, expects to be rescued.
He really isn't doing well socially atm, one of the really lovely school mums was brave enough to be honest with me that her child says my ds gets other kids into trouble, makes a big deal of small things and victimises himself if play is rough in general (paraphrasing).
This is a habit/ personality trait I've been pulling ds up on since forever and I don't think he ever believed me that his friends would vote with their feet and people wouldn't always overlook it. He's getting quite lonely now in school and I'm gutted for him. How can I help him break the habit?

Glad you've ordered the book @itwasntmetho we found it really helped. I do have to warn you though it was incredibly painful at first...
Me "so you have to list three good things that happened today"
DS: "nothing"
Me: "it doesn't have to be a big thing, just anything nice or fun or interesting"
DS: "no nothing"
Me: " there must be something"
DS: "no" and proceeds to list 20 minor slights, unfairnesses, infractions etc. 🤯🤯🤯

Re the PPs asking about ND / ASD. I can see lots of slight flags in my DS such as issues with texture, clumsy, rule follower, lack of eye contact but they are all very slight - no where near enough to prompt diagnosis but they have helped me understand him. Interestingly the flags have reduced as he's gotten older.

Final thing I wanted to chip in- I taught him the "rule" that in terms of social things not going his way (friends wanting to play other games etc) he has three choices 1. Suggest a compromise activity for the group 2. Agree to join in with the group even though it's not exactly what you want to do 3. Stick with what you want to do but understand that the group will make their own decisions and you may be the only one still doing that activity. That seemed to help a lot too.

Floor is lava is often one of their warm-up games! You either do it out side in the built environment or sometimes younger ones have indoor classes with lots of things to jump on and off of.

Would it help if for a while you didn't ask how his time with his friend went? Just chat about other things as it can become a habit focusing on the negative bits. Does his dad live with you or does he see his dad as l think Dad's can help with the rough stuff not by being rough..obviously..but by playing football or rugby in the garden and getting them used to a bit of tackling or messing around. Have to say my boys (and my dd's) favourite activity at that age was wrestling with their Dad which meant they were never shocked by a tackle etc but they were never the guys to start horse play.
I realise your ds might hate that but just kicking a ball around and getting used to falling might help.

How is his proprioception? Mine is terrible, and I would react in a similar way - if I can't see my foot, I don't really know where it is, but the push would be enough to suddenly bring it to the front of my awareness in a really startling way.

I was bullied at school for it, but otherwise I don't think it's hampered me in any way - it's just a silly quirk I can't quite get rid of.

Sorry haven't rtft (terrible!) so might be repeating. It just strikes me that this pant something that just affects kids, it's exactly the same as an adult. My dh isn't 'one of the lads', he's just not that person with the banter, joking etc, no matter how much he might try. He gets left out of things. It's just a grown up version of the same thing. If I were you I think I'd focus on building up some friendships out of school. And more one on one. So he's got his own people.

I went through similar with my oldest
At one point they were talking about him having ADHD but tbh, I didn’t want his having a diagnosis (this was away back when, when a diagnosis didn’t equate to help/ support at all, but would have given MY son an “excuse” to do what he liked and claim that “he couldn’t help it”) Rightly, or wrongly, we didn’t go down that road.

What we DID do, was try to build his own confidence, to be who he wanted to be, without fearing the judgement of others. We took him to karate, and eventually he got his black belt. He went to air cadets, and learned to fly.

Now he’s a supermarket manager, and looks back at that younger him and says “I was an irritating shit” 🤷‍♀️ but he DID turn it around.

I hate it when people equate it to being an only child. As a teacher I've seen this behaviour in lots of children, mostly those with siblings (which tbf is more common, but still). I think I'd ignore the behaviours you see, as in don't comment when he's 'hurt' his leg (when you know he hasn't). Give him responsibility around the house, increase his independence (e.g let him go to shops etc), let him fail at things. Reward and praise when he has accomplished something. Model the type of behaviour you want to see- eg if someone accidentally pushes a chair on you 'oh I wasn't expecting that. Let's shake it out. I'm fine' etc etc.

if looking for an extra curricular activity that isn't too pushy then has he tried cubs / scouts? My sons are not into team sports and have no interest in football but are very physically active and have loved beavers, cubs and scouts. It teachers resilience, team work, a love of the outdoors and adventure and importantly allows them to make friends outside of school. My 10 year old moved up to scouts this year and has really enjoyed being around the older kids, which in turn has helped him to mature. Might be worth considering if he hasn't tried it.

This!
Its good that you are looking for positive ways and tools to improve how he socialises. But
You seem very sure that he has a "victim mindset" -you've mentioned it several times and it feels like this is a catch all term to "explain" him. Its a convenient label and whilst sometimes he might be over reacting, perhaps he's not always doing that and maybe tells you about it because he wants a bit of sympathy. I'm not sure the answer is as simple as Man Up.
And you've discussed it with the mother of one of his school mates. Is she 100 per cent trust worthy?did she observe it herself ?
or is this what she's heard from her child. Its an easy way for her to explain away her child's rough treatment?
Maybe there should be a bit more exploration into why does he feel like this.
The "friends" he has at school who like to play rough, don't sound great. Some rugby boys can be very competitive, and love rough and tumble, but if you are being left out of the team passes or your performance criticised because they don't rate you as a player and you've been hurt in some of the tackles, it can be a miserable activity.

Can you find some afterschool clubs/ activities with different sports.
He might just not enjoy team sports like rugby but might love things like climbing or rowing, or drama (which is very good at helping them to build social confidence) That would be a way to give him more confidence away from school issues and make him feel like what happens at school isn't everything. My DH did Judo when young to help him feel more confident at things like rugby and football and it did give him more confidence, taught him how to fall and roll safely and made him less worried about rough sports play in general.

This sounds so like my son that it's actually really reassuring. I absolutely hear you. I have two boys and the older one (10) screams like his leg has been cut off at the slightest poke from his (admittedly annoying) younger brother. He isn't like that exactly with friends or at school but does think the world has ended if he/his team don't win at something. And now he refuses to play football etc at break so spends all breaks at school alone. He does have friends but I'm worried he will end up not having them.

I picked him up from cubs the other night and he was looking like the world had ended. Turns out his team (ie half the cubs there) had lost the rounders match. He was the only one looking like thunder.

He is also really clever and funny and sensitive (I feel like I should say) but this side of him is so frustrating to watch, and hearing about him being alone is so painful.

We have had some small success in trying not to argue against his view of it. I was talking to a kids' mental health advisor woman and she told me about the parent trap which is where it can be really easy to get trapped in a cycle of denying what he is feeling, which then makes him double down on what he is feeling. Instead, I try to acknowledge it and then move on. So if he says how awful it is that his team lost I don't tell him that it doesn't matter, which is my instinct, I say 'oh dear that must be disappointing'. It tends to stop the fuming and he moves on quicker. I say I do this but what I mean is that I am trying to do it!

It's so hard and he's really lucky to have you trying to help him get past this.

I've had a real mix of responses now from stop pandering, he's a spoiled only child to I feel sorry for him you're trying to make him action man and he knows you hate him! Two extreme ends of the parenting spectrum!

WRT the rugby, I mentioned it as an example of when I've personally seen my Son with a face on hoping someone will notice and give him the ball. I don't actually care whether he plays a sport or not, he is fit and healthy/ gets outside anyway. He chose rugby, then after about a year and a half he chose to give it up, I just facilitate.
I will say though that rugby kids are not rough bullies, they spent over a year learning to tackle safely, me and my ds used to play tackling each other at that time at home, in the way they show you to and he loved it, but it's nothing like play fighting IMO, the moves are prescribed and predictable with the under 10's, they are still learning safe tackle and safe falling he found it fun, it was the keeping up to get the ball in the actual games he hated, he was just following the crowd, not getting near and didn't enjoy it. Also it was outside of school, not every boy in the playground plays rugby, I don't know if I gave that impression.

My aim isn't to get my Son play fighting or giggling while he is pounded around the playground, but when someone can't brush past him without him falling to the ground and looking at them in an accusatory way or telling the teacher then that is a problem. Not for me, I'm not there (although I have seen it and know that it happens) for my Son it is a problem, because he wants friends who want to play with him and that is not compatible with trying to make said friends feel guilty for silly things or getting them into trouble.

I've personally seen my ds behaving in the way that the parent described when he's been with other children, I've brought it up with a teacher before when I noticed a couple of his friends appeasing him, I thought it was unhealthy and would bite him in the future. The school friend whos mum I spoke to is a kid who does not play rough with my Son, my Son has said this himself, but I know the child feels sorry for him and spends more time with him so he is not alone, I think that is a problem.

I don't have a plan that I want ds to be with any particular group of kids, or similar to any particular group of kids, actually I think it would be a relief if he enjoyed his own company so everyone extra was just an extra!
If he played with the girls I would be happy, if he had a stock of male friends who weren't rough I'd be happy, if he was happy to play alone I'd be happy. None of these things are the case though, he is unhappy, he hates school.
I'm not naive enough to think that every other kid should have to change to fit my child's personality. It can't ALWAYS be everyone else.

I have complained about specific kids doing things this year, he was in a very cliquey friendship group of three and I thought the other two kids were horrible and undermining his confidence (things I had seen for myself), I pointed out to my DS their behaviours so he knew it wasn't him, he wasn't being left out because he wasn't good enough it was power play.

I'm grateful for the advice about helping him to be more positive, because I'd hope it may turn to him feeling more positive at the time of something happening and overlooking minor things, being more indifferent to them. Tbh though it's not so much about him acting differently at home, it's because the way he acts in school affects how he is seen and treated and then how he feels about school and friends.

I don't want him to take the lack of confidence from not having many friends and feeling unwanted socially into secondary school with him, if he has another year like the last year then I think he will go to secondary with very little social confidence and then it's much harder to change, you lose the optimism, you start to approach new people like you think they probably won't like you. I know because that happened to me at the same age.

So it’s people brushing past him? I was under the impression it was people involving him in ‘rough play?’ If it’s literally just people walking by him and he throws himself to the ground and tells the teacher that’s obviously a completely different issue. My advice would still be to go to the school and ask for a bit of support for him though.

The parent I quoted gave the example of when play is rough, I've personally seen him make a big deal of being tapped or brushed past with no intent or power behind the other kids movement.
Kids rush about, they squash up it there's something interesting to crowd around. They're inconsiderate.

I'm not sure anyone has suggested that he knows you "hate" him, though. People have suggested that you might inadvertently be giving him signals that he is not good enough the way he is, or that you don't love him unconditionally. We can see you love him, so it's obviously not deliberate, but some people are talking from their own experience of being children who have felt that their parents didn't accept who they were, or who were always trying to change their personalities to make them fit in better - mostly out of a sense of thinking it was the best for them. People have suggested looking at yourself, how you might be seeing him, how this could be coming across to him, making him feel that he isn't valuable or worthy unless he changes, rather than change being something he chooses to do because he knows that will help him get friends. Not all children have positive mindsets. I didn't. I learned quickly to hate that about myself and that I was wrong and bad for being like that. None of it helped me change. I did eventually learn times when it was appropriate to appear positive and how to get on with people, but only after years of feeling that I was horrible for being how I was naturally, and unworthy because those who should have loved me unconditionally were always trying to make me change (in many ways). i know it was done out of a place of love and trying to make things better for me, but that feeling of not being good enough is a very hard one to shake. Your language about him and the way you describe him sounds like you could be giving out some similar messages without meaning to. Dismissing all of this as people just saying you "hate him" is missing the point, and possibly missing out on a chance to really help him, by being the unconditional support he needs first, and then allowing him the space to choose to change on top of that foundation.

@itwasntmetho
I've personally seen him make a big deal of being tapped or brushed past with no intent or power behind the other kids movement.

I think you are missing a very big clue here about this facet of your son's behaviour. It is really, really common for kids with sensory processing issues to react in the way your son does to the type of touch that other people would deem inconsequential.

Just pause for a moment and consider that he's not 'making a big deal of it' or attention seeking or anything else. Consider that he genuinely feels that sensation as pain.

This is one of the best booklets I've read for an introduction to sensory processing issues.
www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?

This is the best resource I've found so far online for interventions.
www.theottoolbox.com/

If, after reading through those resources you think there's a possibility that your son MAY have sensory issues, then to find out, you need to have him seen by a Paediatric Occupational Therapist who specialises in Sensory Processing. They will evaluate his sensory needs. This service is available on the NHS in some areas, but in others it's a private assessment only. Your GP will be able to refer you.

She seemed to develop the ability to laugh at herself and her quirks e.g. she'd say semi-lightheatedly "I'm the sort of person who has to play by the rules and I'll be really stressy if you cheat" or "I'm honestly fine on my own for a bit if you want to do [insert extrovert activity]" rather than looking for an adult to "save" her.

I think this ^ is really helpful

Also the poster who told her child there were three choices when the group wanted to play something else: suggest a compromise, join in their idea or stick with your idea but accept it may be on your own.

Basically I think the best approach is to give your son different ways to react in these scenarios. Don’t just criticise what he is doing but tell him what to do instead. He likes following rules, so give him new rules. Eg; if someone touches you, count to 5 before you react. Or: if someone breaks a rule, ask yourself, did that harm anyone? If someone teases you, laugh it off. Etc.

As an aside - those early years teachers who stood him up as an example of good behaviour - sounds like terrible teaching!! Not good for him or for the rest of the class!

As an aside - those early years teachers who stood him up as an example of good behaviour - sounds like terrible teaching!! Not good for him or for the rest of the class!

To be fair this is really common in preschools. Not standing a child up and saying ‘Jacob is the best boy in the class, he’s wonderful’ at circle time. More just if children are being silly at circle time something like ‘well done Jacob, you are sitting nicely at circle time’ or ‘good boy Jacob, you are using your cutlery at dinner’ when other kids are being silly at dinner time. It was part of a whole thing a few years ago where negativity was basically banned so you had to try to just praise the ones doing what they were supposed to. I worked at one nursery where we weren’t allowed to use any negative language whatsoever. Not even ‘stop hitting your friends please.’ It’s a nightmare.