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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend and her husband’s financial arrangement

88 replies

Salvia89 · 11/07/2022 22:10

Hi all,

I was chatting to my friend (Let’s call her Emma) the other day.. she and her husband have a 1.5 year old DC and she’s been back at work for 6 months after mat leave.

She mentioned in passing that it’s soul destroying working and only getting about £200 at the end of the month after paying nursery fees and I said “well you need to think of it as a joint expense.. I.e you’re only really paying half.. or actually even less if you think of it proportionally from your salaries”. She’s probably on a salary of mid 20s and husband is on about 80k I guess.

She said “well no, as I pay for nursery out of my wage. Tom (not real name) pays for everything else like mortgage, meals out etc, so it’s fine”. I said “hmm… ok” then the conversation moved on.

Later I remembered a time when we were chatting towards the end of her Mat leave where she said she’d blown her months cash on a lunch that we had out. The only money that she was getting on mat leave was her crappy mat pay which for the end I think was next to nothing!

He on the other hand was going out for fancy dinners with his mates.

I mentioned that it seemed a little very unfair and she said that he’s give her some extra money if asked so it was fine.

she doesn’t seem worried by the situation and seems quite happy..

Do you all agree that this is massively unfair?! Surely as a married couple with kids you pool your resources.. especially when there’s such a disparity in salaries.

Anyway.. my AIBU. Should I bring it up again and advise her to seek a fairer agreement?

YABU - they both seem happy so let them get on with it
YANBU - it’s worth bringing it up again and suggesting a fairer split.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 11/07/2022 22:13

You've already expressed an opinion.

To bring it up again is interfering.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/07/2022 22:14

Yep, you are her mate, and she is being financially abused. Take her out to lunch, tell her what the norm is (you don’t need to make it the purpose of the lunch, but I think you should say - I’ve been wanting to raise this as your arrangement is unusual, and it may not be the best thing for uou), and then just say it’s normal for a couple to have joint finances and pay into a pot that covers everything on a percentage basis)

AdriannaP · 11/07/2022 22:17

seems like he pays the vast majority of bills? Can’t get worked up on this one, especially as she didn’t seem worried. Are you sure you got their salaries right?

sst1234 · 11/07/2022 22:21

It’s hard to say much without knowing what ‘everything else’ costs in their household. For instance, if he’s paying £3k mortgage repayments, and bills and go food etc, then she’s hardly being financially abused, as one poster already jumps in says.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 11/07/2022 22:22

This isn't going to go well, OP. They are both adults, presumably, and able to sort out their own financial relationship without your input. Has she actually asked for your help?

Original poster
Salvia89 · 11/07/2022 22:31

They’ve got a nice house so a fairly large mortgage and the bills to come with it. I believe he buys all food and meals out and holidays etc.

I think as she sees it she’s got a fairly easy life, non stressful job, doesn’t have to worry about bills and lives in a nice house.

I know you never know what’s being closed doors but I wouldn’t call it financial abuse..

I just feel it’s a bit off that they have such different levels of “fun money”. Tom would never have to think twice about going out to a nice restaurant with friends or for after work drinks, whereas Emma really has to watch the pennies with her social life.

I imagine for example that if she decided she wanted to buy a bike, she’d have to ask him for the money to buy it. Maybe she’s happy with that, but I know I’d absolutely hate it.

I think in many ways though she thinks it’s fine as she’s not career minded at all and has no desire to progress whereas he is so she would feel bad “cashing in” on his ambition.

to the PP who asked if I’m sure of their salaries, I’m pretty sure on hers (basic admin role) whereas he could be higher than 80k.. he’s a partner in a law firm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Salvia89 · 11/07/2022 22:35

Nope she’s not asked for my help, but she did mention how her financial position is “soul destroying”.

OP posts:
ChickenIsRubbish · 11/07/2022 22:36

I think you should stay out of it

SallyWD · 11/07/2022 22:38

It does seem weird to me. I only earn £10k but my DH earns nearly £90k. We have credit cards linked to his bank account so basically I have the freedom to go out for lunch, buy clothes, pay for children's expenses etc. with the credit card. I hope that doesn't sound smug or anything - we're both very frugal and don't splash out on things. I do all the housework and he sees us as complete equals (as it should be).

mrsed1987 · 11/07/2022 22:44

I'm.not sure what the issue is if he pays everything else? I pay nursery fees and food, my husband pays anything else, I earn 50% less than him.

If I did need money, I'd ask and he would send it no problem. We are happy married with 1 DS.

I'd stay out of it personally

Whataworldwelovei · 11/07/2022 22:48

I don’t think it is any of your business, would you appreciate someone else poking around your marriage…

Trainfromredhill · 11/07/2022 22:51

We live be almost exactly like this. DH earns 5x my salary. I pay all the childcare, food, pet related bills and he pretty much pays for everything else. If I’m short he moves money into my account, if there is a bill I don’t have money for I send it to him. I’d never mention to anyone that I had no money left in my account. We never argue about money. I’m certainly not being financially abused and I’d be well hacked off if someone suggested we should rearrange or finances because they thought we were doing it wrong.

Micemice · 11/07/2022 22:53

my husband and I have a similar set up and technically he would have much more money left in his account every month than me but I just ask for him to put more into joint account or and send directly if I need to. It’s never been an issue and we both like having separate accounts ( I’d be more of a spender than him- nothing crazy tho) and never got round to direct debiting alls bill to a joint account. however here’s times I think I have £10 in my account at the end of the month and he might have £10k !

arethereanyleftatall · 11/07/2022 22:55

I guess this could have been my situation with my ex and I wasn't remotely financially abused. Nothing of the sort. We just couldn't be arsed to sort a joint account, so he paid most of the bills and I paid smaller ones. If I needed any money I said 'can you transfer x' and he said 'yes'. Nothing to hate about that. The 'soul destroying' bit just refers to the nursery draining a salary. If one of my friends suggested the thought to bring it up, simply because they managed their finances a different way, I'd find them very odd indeed. She says she's happy so leave it.

MrszClaus · 11/07/2022 22:59

Do you think paying for a mortgage and bills on a nice house (so all council / energy / cars / food?!) plus meals out and holidays might be proportionate to their wage disparity if she is paying for childcare?

dworky · 11/07/2022 23:00

He is financially abusing her & neglecting to pay for his own child's care. She needs to fully understand that.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/07/2022 23:04

dworky · 11/07/2022 23:00

He is financially abusing her & neglecting to pay for his own child's care. She needs to fully understand that.

Eh?
How on Earth do you know that?!?

The op said he was paying all the bills, mortgage etc. he may well be paying far far more of the joint costs than she is!

baxtersm · 11/07/2022 23:05

My husband and I have a joint account where my salary and his go into. He earns a lot more than me but it's never been an issue. All our DDs, mortgage, childcare etc come out of the same account and we both have a debit card and spend what we want! 200 a month goes into a savings account in my name and same in his but apart from that everything is shared! I would absolutely hate to have to ask him for money for treats.. if anything I'm the one giving out to him when I check the app that he's bought another pair of silly running shoes or something daft for the kids!

pastaandpesto · 11/07/2022 23:06

I absolutely agree with you, but voted YABU because on balance I don't think the situation is bad enough to justify uninvited interference. It's not a situation I would ever want for myself. I particularly dislike the fact she pays for the nursery fees - it further entrenches the idea that the child is primarily her responsibility.

OnTheBoardwalk · 11/07/2022 23:06

I can't see anything wrong with him paying bills and your friend paying childcare as I don’t know the split

the issue is him having disposable income every month but your friend doesn’t. That’s what need to be discussed and agreed

DockOTheBay · 11/07/2022 23:08

dworky · 11/07/2022 23:00

He is financially abusing her & neglecting to pay for his own child's care. She needs to fully understand that.

So if he paid half the childcare but then expected her to pay the same amount towards bills and food, that would be ok?

925XX · 11/07/2022 23:11

Not nice to post your friends private business on here plus it is non of your business!

Original poster
Salvia89 · 11/07/2022 23:15

I think the issue lies in that her finances have taken a massive hit since having DC whereas his haven’t. Obviously I don’t know the ins and out of their financial arrangements but before DC she never complained about not being able to afford a coffee etc. i wouldn’t bat an eyelid if their joint income is low, but it’s really not!

Since she’s been on mat leave she’s had to live on a pittance whereas his life is financially more or less the same.

OP posts:
RaspberryRippleTipple · 11/07/2022 23:16

It’s probably unfair, although you don’t know all of the figures and proportions to be sure.

It’s not an unusual set up, even though it is flawed.

YABU to interfere though. Expressing your opinion once is fine, but don’t keep mentioning it, and don’t push her to change it if she doesn’t feel the need. Especially as it is ‘socialising money’ that she doesn’t have lots of, it might come across that you just want her to be able to afford fancy lunches with you more often.

I’ve got a similar financial arrangement. It is a bit crap, and I’m not ecstatic about it, but I wouldn’t want my friends to comment on it or start passing judgement on my parter / relationship. Addressing such inequalities in relationships isn’t easy, she might have decided this isn’t the battle she wants to pick.

Plogeggio · 11/07/2022 23:24

Agree with others, sounds a very outdated and unfair setup, but not actually abusive and probably on the whole none of your business. I know a few women who seem to live happily with this kind of financial arrangement, even though it's not something I'd ever stand for. Maybe you could gently ask if she thinks it's unfair that he has more disposable income than her, and just listen to her response and gauge whether she is genuinely okay with the whole thing. If she is I think you need to butt out, but if she says she thinks it's unfair then you could support her and let her know that's a perfectly valid way to feel.