Friend and her husband’s financial arrangement

[Salvia89]

Hi all,

I was chatting to my friend (Let’s call her Emma) the other day.. she and her husband have a 1.5 year old DC and she’s been back at work for 6 months after mat leave.

She mentioned in passing that it’s soul destroying working and only getting about £200 at the end of the month after paying nursery fees and I said “well you need to think of it as a joint expense.. I.e you’re only really paying half.. or actually even less if you think of it proportionally from your salaries”. She’s probably on a salary of mid 20s and husband is on about 80k I guess.

She said “well no, as I pay for nursery out of my wage. Tom (not real name) pays for everything else like mortgage, meals out etc, so it’s fine”. I said “hmm… ok” then the conversation moved on.

Later I remembered a time when we were chatting towards the end of her Mat leave where she said she’d blown her months cash on a lunch that we had out. The only money that she was getting on mat leave was her crappy mat pay which for the end I think was next to nothing!

He on the other hand was going out for fancy dinners with his mates.

I mentioned that it seemed a little very unfair and she said that he’s give her some extra money if asked so it was fine.

she doesn’t seem worried by the situation and seems quite happy..

Do you all agree that this is massively unfair?! Surely as a married couple with kids you pool your resources.. especially when there’s such a disparity in salaries.

Anyway.. my AIBU. Should I bring it up again and advise her to seek a fairer agreement?

YABU - they both seem happy so let them get on with it
YANBU - it’s worth bringing it up again and suggesting a fairer split.

How sad.

Sensible.

I wouldn't know who pays for what in our house, all our money goes into a joint account, then the bills come out.
Always confused why people are happy to live together, marry and have children but still keep separate accounts.
Anyway YABU. It's nothing to do with you. She's happy with it. Perhaps if she says she's low on money he'll give her some. Maybe he already does and you don't know about it. If she doesn't want to ask him for money it's up to her.
I don't think she'll thank you for interfering in her marriage.

It is unfair that they don’t hVe the same disposable income at the end of the month and she has been effectively discriminated against for having a child.

I never understand these posts, there is an element of my way is the only way. It’s really not. People who dont do like you can’t understand why you do it your way. So let it go ok.

I voted NBU … it’s unequal and it’s a precursor for trouble if the time comes and she needs help to leave.

I can’t help but think less of her husband - why is he ok with her having this scrimpy life??what’s he like OP?

Also, don’t underestimate that she is bringing it up. She may not know if she’s within her rights to expect more, maybe she is afraid that it would appear grabby - I don’t know - but she’s opened the topic up so it would be worth exploring it a bit more. Sometimes it’s hard to ask a friend or even formulate our thoughts on these things (especially if her husband is in her ear daily justifying it).

I think its unfair for one spouse to have more disposable income than the other. If married with children I would expect a joint account where salaries are paid in to and all expenses come out of, both have equal access to money and anything left at the end of the month is shared equally.
If it comes up again I would mention it seems a bit unfair.

I see that, like ‘controlling’, ‘financially abused’ is a serious term that has lost any meaning on this forum.

@Tessasanderson you are missing the point. I ask because I don't want to log on to his account and just move it. I don't beg for it! I simply say "I need some money, is that ok?". I ask because I don't want to take money that has been earmarked for another expense. At the moment, we are due to pay the balance on our holiday - I don't want to just take the money without checking there is enough there and we are not going to be short. It is laughable that you consider this to be financial abuse and shows you have no real understanding of it. Financial abuse is being so scared of your partner that you are unable to spend money on anything other than what they say, being given a set amount of money for grocery shopping and having to provide receipts and the change, not being allowed any money of your own at all. My situation is absolutely not financial abuse, just me showing a bit of courtesy to the man I love, and am happily married to. It might be a bit "old fashioned" but it works for us and is certainly not abuse at all.

@Anyfeckinusername yes that’s how I feel.. how does he feel ok with her living a scrimpy life when he’s not?

He comes across as a really nice genuine guy, but I don’t know him all that well as we don’t live all that close together and we as a friendship group tend to meet in the middle without the men.

I imagine it’s a case of him not having really thought it through though (rather than purposefully enjoying the financial disparity) and her not wanting to feel grabby by asking for too much extra cash.

My last partner and I didn’t share a joint account as he had terrible credit and I didn’t want to be financially linked to him in that way. When I was on mat leave (stat) he would transfer me X amount each month. Sometimes I’d be short for things and I’d HATE asking him for money even though he was happy to give it.

It’s been good reading everyone’s perspectives. End of the day, she’s significantly worse off than him each month due to having DC and that doesn’t seem fair. If she brings it up again I’ll mention that and if she asks, suggest alternative ways of doing things. She does say she’s happy with her arrangement though so won’t bring it up unless she does.

Not missing the point. You have now expanded on the topic and explained why you ask, however you still call it his account. I wonder........does your husband give you the same courtesy of asking to spend HIS money?

I’m with @Blossomtoes 🤷‍♀️

I suspect she has a high NW and/or income.

I have a lot of money and a spendthrift DH. He has his own 6 figure salary to go crazy with. I pay the bills so I’ll keep the rest of my money for myself thanks