Friend and her husband’s financial arrangement

[Salvia89]

Hi all,

I was chatting to my friend (Let’s call her Emma) the other day.. she and her husband have a 1.5 year old DC and she’s been back at work for 6 months after mat leave.

She mentioned in passing that it’s soul destroying working and only getting about £200 at the end of the month after paying nursery fees and I said “well you need to think of it as a joint expense.. I.e you’re only really paying half.. or actually even less if you think of it proportionally from your salaries”. She’s probably on a salary of mid 20s and husband is on about 80k I guess.

She said “well no, as I pay for nursery out of my wage. Tom (not real name) pays for everything else like mortgage, meals out etc, so it’s fine”. I said “hmm… ok” then the conversation moved on.

Later I remembered a time when we were chatting towards the end of her Mat leave where she said she’d blown her months cash on a lunch that we had out. The only money that she was getting on mat leave was her crappy mat pay which for the end I think was next to nothing!

He on the other hand was going out for fancy dinners with his mates.

I mentioned that it seemed a little very unfair and she said that he’s give her some extra money if asked so it was fine.

she doesn’t seem worried by the situation and seems quite happy..

Do you all agree that this is massively unfair?! Surely as a married couple with kids you pool your resources.. especially when there’s such a disparity in salaries.

Anyway.. my AIBU. Should I bring it up again and advise her to seek a fairer agreement?

YABU - they both seem happy so let them get on with it
YANBU - it’s worth bringing it up again and suggesting a fairer split.

We earn similar amounts so put in 80% of our earnings to a joint account that has all DDs for mortgage, bills etc. Any meals put, family days, holidays etc comes from there. The 20% we keep back is for our own purchases, presents, nights out with friends etc. Works well for us. I can’t imagine having to work out who paid the shopping last or having to remind my partner or be reminded to transfer X to them for Y. Seems like a massive faff!

If we had one joint pot for everything I think we’d both feel guilty if we wanted to buy ourselves something big 😂

It does seem very unfair. I don't think you should bring it up again, but be ready with a 'do you think it's fair that having a baby has impacted your finances when it's barely made a dent in your DH's?' type question. I'd frame it as a series of questions to get her thinking, rather than you telling her how they should be doing it.

He either hasn't thought about it or he's a complete dick. Neither is great. I'm taking a wild guess that she does most of the domestic stuff and is more likely to take the day off if the baby is poorly?

It sounds - and likely is - unfair, due to the disparity in earnings.

I don’t subscribe to the everything equal school of thought - DH and I have separate finances - but there does need to be some equity. To have one half of a couple being able to afford significantly more than the other is unfair

It doesn't even have to be something big. People can spend an awful lot of money in £5 here and £10 there, which is why it's a good idea to separate off some money for personal spending so you know that essentials are covered and both partners have access to some of their own money.

If I were her I would draw him a big fat hefty invoice $$$ for childcare, baby sitting, carrying a baby in her womb for 9 months and financial/professional loses from having to take maternity leave. Yes it's unfair and he should be making the mother of his child happy while she goes through the hard ordeal of raising HIS child, instead he's contributing to her misery.

Nobody can say whether this is 'financial abuse' based on what you've said. There is a hell of a lot more to 'financial abuse' than what you've described. I think some people on Mumsnet think financial abuse is essentially any arrangement which isn't the one they have with their own partner. One person having more disposable income than the other isn't financial abuse, and if Tom is paying for everything else - mortgage, bills, holidays, etc - then the arrangement doesn't sound colossally unfair to me. We also don't know what savings etc he has - for all you know, he might be putting a chunk of cash away every month to provide for the family's future.

I don't think the 'soul-destroying' comment is an indication that she feels the arrangement is unfair or has been imposed on her. We cannot possibly know either way.

Ultimately, your friend is an adult and her financial arrangements and 'fun money' are not really your business.

My sister used to go on about how 'weird' it is that DP and I don't have a joint bank account and don't do our finances the way she does with her partner, until I told her that she really needed to mind her own bloody business.

We did this - I paid nursery and 'my bills' - mobile phone etc, and husband paid everything else. How is that financially abusive?!
I'd have been a lot worse off if I'd paid half of
Nursery
Mortgage
Food
Gas
Elec
Water
Insurance
Council tax
Petrol
Savings...

People are weird

Christ, where to start with this bullshit? ‘His child’? It’s their child, it’s not like she’s doing him a massive favour that is of no benefit to herself. And if she presents him with that invoice, would she be happy for him to present her with one for housing costs for her and their child, as well as a bill for half of everything else he currently pays?

@sammylady37 Christ, where to start with this bullshit? ‘His child’? It’s their child, it’s not like she’s doing him a massive favour that is of no benefit to herself. And if she presents him with that invoice, would she be happy for him to present her with one for housing costs for her and their child, as well as a bill for half of everything else he currently pays?

Her friend sound very happy with the arrangement so I don't see where the problems lies herein. I (like the OP) personally wouldn't be happy at all but that's just me. As long as people are happy who cares?

My ex expected me to contribute most or all (can’t remember exactly) of my mat money to the joint account. Same when i was back working. I’m self employed so I didn’t get a great sum anyway, but then wasn’t left with much at all.

Well if you agree that the woman in question is happy with the arrangement , why did you post saying her husband should be making her happy instead of contributing to her misery??

It's not the way me and Dh do things but each to their own I guess.

We split everything down the middle but when I went back to work I dropped my hours which was my contribution to childcare.

DH was expecting to split the nursery bill but when I pointed out I was already worse off by more than the nursery cost, he agreed and paid it

This. Some people spout some nonsense on here. It is her child as well.🙄

What is this bollox where a man and woman agree to live as a team and bring up a child but dont commit to sharing their income?

All money goes into 1 account. Pay bills. Save some. Spend the rest.

Any money coming in is family money.

I hate these threads! From reading this, I am being financially abused which so far from the truth it is unreal. I gave up work when our DD came home (she is adopted) because I wanted to be at home with her. The only money I have is the child benefit and interest on a very small investment. However if I need or want more I ask DH. I ask because that is my choice. We have a joint account where all the household expenses come from and then both have separate accounts. He pays for everything. He would be more than happy for me to log on to his account and transfer what I want as we both see it as our money.

I think it depends on your attitudes to spending. DH and I have a very similar attitude to money (both tend to be savers, but happy to buy the odd treat) so sharing an account for everything isn't a problem. We do run medium to big purchases past each other but we both find that's actually helpful - stops us wasting money!

But I can see that if one of you is a spender and one a saver then having some separate money could help to deal with that difference.

We had a joint account and had to close it because I’m married to someone who’s hopeless with money. I refused to live with someone who spent my money. As you say, each to their own.

Why should you have to 'ask' for money? Its your money. Does he ask your permission to spend family money?

You are financially abused if you share a home, share a bed, share a child, share responsibility BUT have to ask for permission to spend money

For the record i have been with my partner since i was 16yrs old. I have earned at least 5 x their income over the last 30yrs. It has all gone into one account and i have never, ever questioned a penny my partner has spent. If i am rich, we are rich. If i am poor, we are poor.

There’s no such thing as “family money”.

Why? Because you say so or because your husband/partner tells you that.

As far as i am concerned i went into a partnership where i shared everything. That includes every last penny i have.

Family money is when all money earned by both partners goes into one account from which all bills and costs are paid. Of course it exists 🙄

Because you say so or because your husband/partner tells you that

Because I don’t want him spending my money. 🤷‍♀️