Living off a man!!!

[iabr]

If you are among the posters on here who always sneer at SAHMs for 'living off the husband,' do you also -

• sneer at women who work PT and therefore earn less than their husbands - so are, by definition, also 'living off the husband" to a greater or lesser extent?

• sneer at women who work full-time, but still earn significantly less than the husband, so the house and other expenses are largely funded by his higher income anyway?

• sneer at any woman who has a dual income lifestyle that she couldn't maintain on her own salary / wealth?

I really don't want to get into endless personal anecdotes of - "Well I earn £x and DH earns £x..." This is about the issue of 'financial independence' within families per se. - ie . recognising that it's accrued family wealth that determines financial independence and it's not necessarily always as simple as who earns what. A SAHM may well have greater financial independence than a woman on a high salary, depending on that family's underlying financial circumstances.

So AIBU to say to MN - Stop telling SAHMs they are 'financially vulnerable' - unless you know the details of their unique financial family circumstances!

But my 4 year old is now crying going to crèche and saying he wants to do “short days” and fuck me while I know he’ll be fine, sometimes I would like for him to be able to do short days to. And if that’s so damaging to the feminist cause I couldn’t give a rats ass frankly. I’m bloody tired.

Why does it have to be you facilitating the short days though? What about his dad?

I never said that SAHP in general is better for the kids. I was responding to a comment that women who choose not to work and damaging gender equality. My point, which I have since tried to explain, is that sometimes people have reasons why they don’t work.

Well precisely -this is why generalisations and posting about " heartbreaking" in reference to other peoples choices isnt very helpful.

Hey?

My comments were not personal, it's a debate. One you commented on making a very generalised statement about WOH parents.

I am sorry you struggle. I have had my own struggles too. It's not always easy to balance children and job. As I have said - on repeat - I do not expect anyone to choose something to the detriment of their family for the feminist cause. I have myself not actively persued progression for a number of years because I want a better life balance than I would have had to have had to do that.

I hope you can find a balance one day that makes you feel happier with the balance you have.

I'm a sahm and have been "living off" my dh for years 😂

I accept that this May put me in a vulnerable position financially, but hopefully the fact we are married with several dc's means I would be protected by law and get at least half should he suddenly decide to run off with another woman!

I am willing to take the risk as I wanted to stay home and raise my dc's, and wasn't happy with the idea of putting them in full time daycare. I also hated my job and was very happy to give it up. I love the freedom of being at home and answering to no one.

It wouldn't suit everyone but if I ever felt anyone was "sneering" at my decision I would probably feel a bit sorry for them as maybe it comes from a place of envy. Most of my friends who work do so because they have to for financial reasons and more than one has expressed that they feel I'm very lucky.

I agree strongly with the mantra on MN that an unmarried mother is a vulnerable one and would always advise my dd's to marry before having children if they think they might want to stop working.

@the7Vabo it's heartbreaking when your kids cry that they don't want to go to nursery. If it helps, my 4 year old used to do that even on days when he was only there 2.5 hours. I used to hide round the corner and then peer through the windows when he thought I'd gone and he was totally fine and completely happy about 5 minutes later. It's an awful feeling when you think they are unhappy but honestly, mostly they are right as rain as soon as you go x

Well if it helps, I remember crying and clinging to my mum when I started infant school as I don't think I'd ever been left before: I suppose nurseries and crèches weren't such a thing then.

PS i turned out fine! But probably hard for my mum at the time.

I've only read the first 4 pages OP but you're coming across as a bit of a dick.

Ive read your post and what stands out for me is that you hated your job.
I and many others love my job and wouldnt want to give it up and being a SAHM would feel like being trapped to me.
I actually WOH x 3 12 hour shifts when mine were small and I felt I had a great balance of 3 days in an interesting job and 4 days at home.

That's what jumped out at me too. I'd certainly have found SAH preferable to doing a job I hated. Though tbh I would have made an effort to find a better job way before thinking about having kids.

Always good to aim for an interesting and fulfilling work life. That's what I encouraged in both my ds and my dd. Aside from anything else, you don't know if you'll ever have children, or if you do, whether life might throw a curve ball and your partner gets sick/ can't work etc. Then if you decide to be a SAHP you're doing it as a choice between two positive things, not an escape from a life you don't enjoy

@the7vabo

Are you a single parent?

Why is down to to you to feel guilty your kid doesn't like child care?

I dont value or respect the choice of other women to be sahm and I find it entirely baffling thar so many insist I / society must.

Why?

I dont view it as the ideal. I'm not jealous, I dont think they're lucky.

I see no value in it.

@Topgub but there's value in it to them; I recognise that. It's a valid choice, provided both parties are equally on board with it. Other than that, I agree, there's no reason why society should value being a SAHM per se. Like I've said, society should value good parenting because that's a benefit to everyone

I dontagree itsavlidchouce because its most often born from sexism on multiple levels

Fundamentally reinforcing the idea that women are better suited to childcare than men and men are better suited to careers than women

Its all over this thread and it's rubbish.

Surely society valuing caring roles and responsibilities benefits everyone. We've all been cared for and most of us will need care in the future.

@MrsBwced

Of course society should value caring roles but as discussed extensively upthread the problem comes with the definition of “value” and when you seek to attribute “value” to the idea that one person decides not to work.

Theres no way to evaluate or benchmark what the “value” is and the value, such as it is, only accrues to the immediate family of the carer, rather than society as a whole.

And SAHPs are already effectively being paid anyway to be at home. Why should the rest of us pay them again?

I see no value in it

Depends what you value.

Why should the rest of us pay them again?

I don't understand what you mean.
If I speak of wanting my work to be valued, I just mean I want my choice of (unpaid) occupation to be respected, nothing more.

There is a line between the the two..

And the OPs comms have long since descended into incoherent ranting

Looking after your own children, unless they have additional needs, can't be grouped with other caring roles to piggy back onto the generally non disputed point that care roles are undervalued.
Providing unpaid care for older or disabled relatives, unlike having children, is not a lifestyle choice; and in taking on the role, carers provide an invaluable service not only to the person they care for, but also to society, by saving huge amounts in health social care costs. Their recognition? A paltry amount of carers allowance, often recouped by reducing the benefit of the person cared for. Their paid counterparts are equally poorly recognised.
This bares no resemblance to being a SAHM.

Personally I would not value being a SAHM as the "ideal" for parenting as the role facilitates men in stepping away from parenting and I dont think that is optimum.
DH and I shared the care of our DC equally as this is the norm in the country Im from and I wanted them to have the benefit of daily parenting from both.

Also men get a easy ride as it is without me taking on the bulk of household chores .
Im a fan of clearyourownshitup and I think men become entitled, it also enables unhealthy presenteeism and makes it harder at work for others.

A proportion of SAHPs are carers for their disabled child/ren.

I am.
I'm not eligible for carers allowance btw.

@Snoredoeurve that sounds really interesting and I do think putting the child at the centre of it, it's in their interests to see that equality in terms of care giving (and domestic tasks)
The U.K. is getting better slowly - there is at least transferable leave now, and rights for request flexible working for all - a damn sight better than when I had my babies. I'd have loved to be able to transfer some ML to my dh because, great for the child to have that time and it also sets the tone going forward. I imagine it's less likely for the father to avoid child and domestic related stuff if they've had that time of 1:1 care.

I know they do. I acknowledged that, and that that is a different level of care than provided by a SAHM whose children do not have additional needs.