Living off a man!!!

[iabr]

If you are among the posters on here who always sneer at SAHMs for 'living off the husband,' do you also -

• sneer at women who work PT and therefore earn less than their husbands - so are, by definition, also 'living off the husband" to a greater or lesser extent?

• sneer at women who work full-time, but still earn significantly less than the husband, so the house and other expenses are largely funded by his higher income anyway?

• sneer at any woman who has a dual income lifestyle that she couldn't maintain on her own salary / wealth?

I really don't want to get into endless personal anecdotes of - "Well I earn £x and DH earns £x..." This is about the issue of 'financial independence' within families per se. - ie . recognising that it's accrued family wealth that determines financial independence and it's not necessarily always as simple as who earns what. A SAHM may well have greater financial independence than a woman on a high salary, depending on that family's underlying financial circumstances.

So AIBU to say to MN - Stop telling SAHMs they are 'financially vulnerable' - unless you know the details of their unique financial family circumstances!

My dh hasn't stepped away from parenting. Like wohm he does it when he finishes work. He did less day to day stuff but he is still emotionally present for his children.

I don’t sneer at SAHM but I do cringe when an unmarried woman is a SAHM, with no pension plan etc. To me that’s a huge risk. I also cringe when married SAHM’s discuss financial abuse. Having to ask for anything extra, no decision on big purchases, can only go on holiday when husband decides etc.

I’ve always been independent, and couldn’t imagine my life any other way. I have a career and quite driven but also have a good work life family balance. Much of my social life revolves around my work colleagues or ex colleagues. So can’t imagine not having a job and just being someone’s mum. But for some women that’s their perfect life, they probably look at me and think they wouldn’t want that life.

there is a lot of judgement on mumsnet, that’s for sure, whether blatant or implied

In my previous post I wrote that I worked compressed hours so was off 4 days per week as was DH, we never over lapped so he had the DC when I was at work.
He did the same amount of parenting as we did whole days of either WOH or parenting.
Not sure if it wasnt clear but we didnt use CC.
I meant actual day to day hands on parenting though, getting them up dressed, fed, throughout the day etc
Once at school, to and from, feeding them etc and all the tasks that go with it.
I appreciate my circumstances are different to parents who work regular hours but its much more the norm in my home country- the parents facilitate each other .

Yes, sorry, I know you acknowledged it. My point though was more about the carers allowance you mentioned...I'm not entitled to one because DH provides for us. Even though I'm a carer the state expects DH to pay my way.
I'm in ROI though, not sure if it's the same in UK.

In the UK carers allowance doesn't depend on partners income, which is as it should be imo.

Yes, that's fairer @5128gap.

The whole point about this, as a PP pointed out upthread, is that men will never value "women's work" until they have to start doing it themselves. And as long as women stay at home and do all of that for them that isn't going to happen.

I think it was you who posted earlier about men not valuing 'women's work' until they start doing it themselves and as long as women stay at home then it won't happen.

It's clear there are some barriers that prevent some women from returning to work after having a child and even those that do are often disadvantaged by taking time out for maternity leave etc.
If society which obviously included all of us both men and women values caring roles and responsibilities then perhaps that will lead to the change in the workplace and get more women back to work and earning accordingly which in turn benefits the wider society.
I am not talking about paying the likes of me to stay at home. I have an easy life now but the young mum that I was working a crappy evening job and a crappy morning job to fit around my husband's work ans my studies because we couldn't afford childcare might have appreciated a bit of a break.

@MrsBwced

What does that have to do with sah mums

Can men bot do caring roles?

@Comedycook

Indeed.

I dont tend to value things that promote inequality

@Snoredoeurve

Exactly

@Topgub and I don't only value things which result in financial gain.

@Comedycook

Me either.

The 2 aren't linked

Of course men can share the responsibility or take over the responsibility. They tend not to probably because it's not seen as valuable to them.
If society valued caring then maybe more men would be willing to do the childcare which would mean more mothers in work, some of whom would been SAHM

@MrsBwced

But women who want to be sahms don't want to share the caring role.

They want to do it. Raise and nurture and be with their kids 24/7.

Society isn't magically going to start valuing caring roles if we keep doing what we've always done

But that comes from individuals making choices which shifts that balance. It's shifting slowly; when I was young it was relatively unusual for mothers to work, particularly in the more interesting well paid roles and virtually unheard of for fathers to be a SAHP.

But there's a hell of a way to go to get to a more equal balance.

Cross post there with @Topgub

@Topgub
Posted too soon.
Some of whom would have been SAHM otherwise.

You seem to think I'm of the opinion SAHM is the ideal because I want the respect of society.
The ideal for me would be me and my husband sharing childcare because we both have flexibility at work.
The reality is my husband doesn't have that kind of job.
You want equality for women in the workplace, so do I. I just don't think SAHM as much of a barrier to women achieving equality as people make out.

I've never enjoyed working....even pre kids, I hated it. I was academically able and had the potential to have a successful career but it's never appealed to me. I just don't care enough. I'd rather have less money and more time. I'd rather potter round the house and have less material possessions than work full time and have a flash car and designer shit...the world is so superficial. We are sold the lie that our worth is measured by our possessions. I haven't fallen for it. A lot of you have though.

@MrsBwced

Its a barrier

Why should society respect your lifestyle choice not to work?

To favour your oh inflexible career instead of making him prioritise the caring role you think is worth so much value and respect?

@Comedycook speak for yourself.

There's a lot of personal satisfaction and stimulation (as well as usefulness to others) to be had from many jobs. The money and pension is nice too but it's not the be all and end all. And of course satisfaction to be found from other aspects of life too. It's not an either/or

@Comedycook

What are you basing that load of nonsense on?

@Topgub I think comedycook is just trying to get a rise out of people.

No I'm not and the fact you think I am goes to show how brainwashed society is. More, more, more. Just listen to yourself...you cannot believe that someone would genuinely rather have less money and more time.

@missdemeanors

Probably

I've noticed that a bit on these threads

People who work are either jealous and really wish they could be sahms or they've sold out to the man for the designer shirts (wtf)

Both are laughable

I'll ignore the goady crap but what we've always done as a society is not value what women do. So yes if we carry on then nothing will change.

And I've been a full time working mum, a sahm and now work part time.