Living off a man!!!

[iabr]

If you are among the posters on here who always sneer at SAHMs for 'living off the husband,' do you also -

• sneer at women who work PT and therefore earn less than their husbands - so are, by definition, also 'living off the husband" to a greater or lesser extent?

• sneer at women who work full-time, but still earn significantly less than the husband, so the house and other expenses are largely funded by his higher income anyway?

• sneer at any woman who has a dual income lifestyle that she couldn't maintain on her own salary / wealth?

I really don't want to get into endless personal anecdotes of - "Well I earn £x and DH earns £x..." This is about the issue of 'financial independence' within families per se. - ie . recognising that it's accrued family wealth that determines financial independence and it's not necessarily always as simple as who earns what. A SAHM may well have greater financial independence than a woman on a high salary, depending on that family's underlying financial circumstances.

So AIBU to say to MN - Stop telling SAHMs they are 'financially vulnerable' - unless you know the details of their unique financial family circumstances!

I also don't know anyone who has a child in crèche 7-6. No crèches near me even open those hours.

Me neither

Ah, so you do think that SAHPs are better parents? Becuase WOH parents stick the poor children in creches for 11 hours a day? Forgetting about their poor kids and just concerning themselves with their careers.

I, unlike you and your husband, like my job. I work a 32 hour week. My children are not in instituations 11 hours a day (I take them and pick them from from school every single day, thanks to a good employer). In my experience that is VERY rare - any most WOH parents work hard ot put in place arrangements their children are happy with. But even if I did use wrap around childcare consistently and often, like many do, my kids would be quite happy as they have access to a great after school club many of their friends go to and loads of afternoon activities that can double as childcare.

A lot of women give up decent jobs when they sah, but then as soon as the kids are at school there's an expectation that they get any old job that fits around school hours. I don't see that as being anymore feminist than just sah and enjoying the peace! Most jobs which are compatible with school aren't that well paid or have a decent career path.
Certainly not in families where the husband has maintained a nice career that is fulfilling and where they don't need the money.

I meant that this: "why am I meant to care about you experiencing sexism at work when you don't value the 24/7 parenting I do enough?" a paraphrase of a PP was a shitty attitude. I am in agreement that gender equality is a much bigger issue,s hence why PP should care for the sake of herself, and her female relatives.

Who expects that though? The women? Their husbands?

One of the benefits of me staying in my career while I had children was that I am now so senior I have great flexibility in planning my day. I make all school events, and use childcare only occassionally. I see my kids WAY more than I would have had I note stayed in employment and then tried rejoin my field again later.

The only crèche I know open those hours is in the House of Commons - and Stella Creasy still didn't use the damn thing!

Decided instead to set back the reputation of mothers in the workplace.

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer you've paraphrased me incorrectly. Which is one of the things that annoys sahm generally. I said I'm not inclined to care about the difficulties of women who are nasty about my choices.

If by crèche people are meaning nursery surely 7-6 is standard.
Wraparound care at my children's school is available from 7- 6:30 Loads of children go there every day.

Well, it's great if nurseries and wraparound care is available those hours and a definite improvement on provision 30 years ago when I had my babies. Must make life easier for people working shifts etc

Did I say that I think SAHP are better parents?????

Good for you that you have such flexibility. Many, myself included do not and have to rely heavily on childcare. Where I live (not in the UK) crèche open 730-630 and many people rely on them as we live in a commuter town. I shouldn’t have said “an entire generation”, but yes I think it less than ideal that kids have to be in childcare that much. I’m glad others are able to pick their kids up from school, that isn’t the case across the board.

Yes I meant nursery, mine is open 730-630.

Well what else did you mean when you said "think about the kids"?

I know not only not a whole generation, but no children at all that are in wrap around or nursery care 7-6. Not one I can think of.

My children weren't in childcare for those sort of hours, but they have friends who were. All adults now- mid 20s upwards. All unscathed!

That is your experience. Lots of people including me have children in crèche long hours. Try working for an American multinational where people are eager to work Saturdays and asking to pick your kids up from school.

I didn’t mean SAHP were better, I meant I can see in some circumstances like long hours in childcare why people might choose it.

It doesn’t apply to you anyway. As I have explained I live in a commuter town where people have their kids in nursery long hours because they have to commute. That is not at all unusual in a lot of areas in the city I live in.

You apparently have a job you like and are able to fit around your kids - many are not so lucky!

I have no doubt but it’s still a little heartbreaking to have to do it to very small kids even though I know on a rational level they will be absolutely fine.
The point I was responding to was the poster who said women who choose not to work are impacting gender equality. There are sometimes good reasons why people choose not to work.

@the7Vabo actually because this was almost 30 years ago, most of us were returning to work much earlier, when our babies were 3 or 4 months. Much easier in some respects because there was zero separation anxiety. I found it harder to start leaving my youngest at 6 months and she took longer to settle!

Of course when you first go back to work it feels a bit strange and I'm sure it's normal to have a few wobbles. People often find change and new things a bit daunting. Then within a couple of weeks it was just our routine. Certainly no heart break involved!

There are certainly very good reasons people choose not to work at an individual/family level.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have an impact on society.

You can acknowledge that individual women are not at fault and still see that the aggregate impact of these choices is not particularly helpful to other women.

have no doubt but it’s still a little heartbreaking to have to do it to very small kids

Child poverty in 2022 is whats heartbreaking
We should be making good childcare freely available so that parents have choices.

I do work at a large multinational, as it happens....

And no, I am lucky. Absolutely. But the experience you describe is not typical. And it tars WOH parents with a bad name. It's exactly the type of rubbish that always comes out - why have kids if you are going to farm them out to institutions and see them only an hour a day, i prefer to stay at home and raise my own kids.

We can all agree we all do what's best for our families, but don't come out with generalisations that aren't correct and confirm completely flawed sterotypes.

Good for you! Guess what! Other people have life experiences that are different to yours! You don’t know anyone with kids in crèche 7-6 good for you, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen in parts of the world you don’t live in!

Child poverty in 2022 is whats heartbreaking
We should be making good childcare freely available so that parents have choices

👏🏼

Of course it happens. And I mention it because of the "well, if you only knew what it was like to work for a big american multinational". But the suggestion that it's a downside of WOH in general is simply not true. If that is a family's relality, sure I understand why they might choose for a parent do descale their career, because we all weigh up what is best for our parents, but that doesn't mean beign a SAHP is de facto better for the kids.

Honestly give me a bloody break. Apart from when my kids are very small I would choose to work. Ideally I would like another job but I would choose work.
I have found dropping my kids off for long hours at childcare difficult it times. I’m sorry that my language wasn’t 100% accurate, I didn’t mean that all children in childcare are battery farmed child chickens.
But my 4 year old is now crying going to crèche and saying he wants to do “short days” and fuck me while I know he’ll be fine, sometimes I would like for him to be able to do short days to. And if that’s so damaging to the feminist cause I couldn’t give a rats ass frankly. I’m bloody tired.