Living off a man!!!

[iabr]

If you are among the posters on here who always sneer at SAHMs for 'living off the husband,' do you also -

• sneer at women who work PT and therefore earn less than their husbands - so are, by definition, also 'living off the husband" to a greater or lesser extent?

• sneer at women who work full-time, but still earn significantly less than the husband, so the house and other expenses are largely funded by his higher income anyway?

• sneer at any woman who has a dual income lifestyle that she couldn't maintain on her own salary / wealth?

I really don't want to get into endless personal anecdotes of - "Well I earn £x and DH earns £x..." This is about the issue of 'financial independence' within families per se. - ie . recognising that it's accrued family wealth that determines financial independence and it's not necessarily always as simple as who earns what. A SAHM may well have greater financial independence than a woman on a high salary, depending on that family's underlying financial circumstances.

So AIBU to say to MN - Stop telling SAHMs they are 'financially vulnerable' - unless you know the details of their unique financial family circumstances!

Keep on assuming ReneBumsWombats. Whatever makes you happy.

Topgub - You are one of the belligerent posters who appear on every SAHM thread. Let's just leave it at that. Enough said.

Nobody cares if they are. Or about your bizarre need for validation here that yes, you may have married someone wealthy. Congratulations?

Seriously get over yourself. If you are in such a great position why would you be so aggrieved at people here trying to help those who aren't? What has agitated you to this extent that you're still persisting with this when it's obvious most SAHMs are in a very, very different situation just from basic stats on demographics?

You really need to get over this, remove the chip from your shoulder and find something more productive to do with your time than posting pointless threads like this.

Nobody is assuming anything. Posters alpear to have noted an imperviousness to rationality and statistics, and also insufferably boring self-centred posts extrapolating your immediate experience onto the general population in a somewhat delusional manner.

Who on this thread has asked for 'help,'

Anyone????

Yet here we are anyway. 22 pages of 'help.'

Do you imagine you have an audience of SAHMs reading this that you need to educate?

It's a valid debate, but I didn't post for 'help.'

I have never said I was ' wealthy', Your words. I said I'm not financially vulnerable. Is that ok?

How can that be so mind-blowing to warrant all this I've mo idea.

You are REALLY offended at the idea that you might not have zillions in a trust fund, aren't you?

" Posters alpear to have noted an imperviousness to rationality and statistics,"

Why sound you expect anything else when not one statistic has been given in 22 pages?

"Posters appear to have noticed..." Listen to yourself.

@Topgub
We can make up fake comments all night if you want.
I was replying to that specific comment as to why it makes a difference when working mothers say they do everything the stay at home one does.
Nothing to do with my situation.

" You are REALLY offended at the idea that you might not have zillions in a trust fund, aren't you?"

Why are you so obsessed with my finances? What is that about?

Uh, I'm not the one who started and sustained a 22 page thread complaining that people say giving up work is likely to make me vulnerable because EVERYONE I KNOW WIPES THEIR BUMS WITH TENNERS

No one is obsessed with your finances. You're not financially vulnerable- Woopi doo that's great for you. Many women are, and more so if they're not earning or only earning part time for years. These factors also mean they're less likely to increase earning and get more senior posts if they do re enter the workplace. Those are facts. Not opinions. And many of us believe that's an important gender issue.

ReneBumsWombats - calm down, you're getting a bit carried away with yourself now.

Sorry for engaging in my own thread. Why are you still here then?

A lot of women seem to secretly experience cognitive dissonance around the realisation that the grass isn't always greener but won't admit it, so they lash out at other women who have the easier lives that their inflated sense of pride prevents them from having themselves.

I'm pissing myself laughing, don't worry about me.

As for why I'm here, because I'm procrastinating. Obviously.

"Many women are, and more so if they're not earning or only earning part time for years. These factors also mean they're less likely to increase earning and get more senior posts if they do re enter the workplace. Those are facts. Not opinions. And many of us believe that's an important gender issue."

But WHY are you telling me this again snd again and again. You are preaching to the choir! You REALLY don't need to explain this. It's like Groundhog Day.

All I'm saying is SAHMs vary as much as the next woman in terms of financial vulnerability. Why is that so contentious?

@MrsBwced re: the comment you quote about a WOHM saying they do everything a SAHM does... I agree that if it's intended to be offensive then that's really off.

But (and I'm just stating this as another perspective , not to argue about it!) it could also be intended as a simple fact: that there is no particular thing they don't do that a SAHM does. I mean, tbh I can't think of anything I didn't do as a WOHM.... I changed nappies, fed my children, took them for walks, played games, read to them, and later as they grew older, helped them with homework, went to sports days etc. Sure, I wasn't the only person to do these things. When they were small, their wonderful nursery would sometimes be doing those things. As would, of course, my DH. And their grandparents. And wider family and friends.

So I wouldn't agree that I didn't do all the things I would have done had I been a SAHM - rather it was a case of not doing them as many times because there were other people caring for them some of the time.

Which group are you classing as the ones with the easier lives and which ones as lashing out from inflated pride? There is such disparity of views, I can't tell.
Depending on the posters perspective SAHMs do both less and more than working ones, and are both the judges and and judged.

missdemeanors - you don't need to justify anything. Nobody keeps count of these things and it's impossible to quantify. So what if a nanny changed a few nappies, you were busy doing something else in your child's interests. I have nothing but respect for mums who work, whatever they do, and I hope that doesn't sound patronising (it's really not intended to). The whole SAHM / WOHM thing is the worst thing about AIBU. No such thing as a typical WOHM, but no such thing as a typical SAHM. And no such thing as a typical part-timer either! Everyone is just doing the best they can for their kids, whatever that may look like.

I'm not justifying anything. I was responding to a post by @MrsBwced about a quote she's read

So I wouldn't agree that I didn't do all the things I would have done had I been a SAHM - rather it was a case of not doing them as many times because there were other people caring for them some of the time.

Yes, I think that's the way it's meant sometimes...and of course SAHPs and WOHPs are equally valid and good parents. BUT there's often the 'and I work too' added put-down said to SAHMs. The extra childcare that they do doesn't seem to 'match up' in the eyes of many.

Some think it's not feminist enough, that we're letting down other women because it's giving men an unfair advantage in the workplace.

Or we should be paying more tax.We're not contributing to society.

All that has been suggested on this thread alone. The choice to stay home for family reasons is certainly looked down on by some as a less valid option.

And it can't all be 'concern', there is a lot of gaslighting going on. SAHMs can see what people think on here. They're saying it, for heaven's sake...why pretend otherwise? And yes, some women are trapped at home (some are trapped at work too). But others aren't and I think that's all the OP is saying - don't assume you know best about another person's circumstances. And the sniping on here goes both ways so please recognise that too.

*not contributing

I've no idea what other people think! I can only go by what people write on threads.
Yes, sniping goes both ways.

I was simply pointing out that there aren't necessarily things a WOHM doesn't do that she would do if she were a SAHM. Obviously not as frequently, because some of the time, some of the tasks/ activities are done by other people caring for the child.

@missdemeanors
Well, pp have written on this thread that SAHMs are

• not helpful for other women in the workplace (as they are giving men an unfair advantage)
• not contributing to society via taxes etc

So that's fairly clear.

Sorry should have said

• not contributing to society. Full stop.

(As if tax was the only way you can contribute.)

I didn't write those things so I don't know why you're quoting me in a post about sniping and gaslighting.

Apologies I didn't make it clear. I was replying to your comment that
I've no idea what other people think! I can only go by what people write on threads.