Friend didn't ask me to be godmother ....

[ashelyf]

Hiya hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine.
I'm trying my best not to be hurt /upset about this but here goes.
My closest friend of 20 years has a son,who is 4 years old.
My friend is Spanish but has lived in this country longer than she's lived in Spain but her family only really speak Spanish.
She doesn't have a big circle of friends just me and this other lady (who is also Spanish and is friends through work with my friends partner)
We chat most days and she rings me when she wants a rant etc
Yesterday her other friend posted a pic on Facebook of my friends son sat with balloons holding a card asking her to be godmother.
Bare in mind a month ago my friend whilst chatting told me she hadn't seen this friend in a year and she couldn't be bothered with her as she wasn't chatting much and short replies.

Now the other sucker punch ..she hasn't even invited me to the christening.
She has spoke about it to me,never told me a date and just said we are keeping it small with only 16 guests.

I take interest in her son,always ask her to go to the farm /circus together but she always says he will be bored as I have no kids yet.
I buy him birthday /Xmas presents -thoughtful things he will like
Randomly get him pjs or whatever I see
Easter eggs etc
So it's not like I show no interest.

So how can she pick this other girl over me when just the other month she was saying she didn't have time for her etc
I'm honestly so hurt -aibu?

I'm not going to mention it to her because obviously it's her choice and maybe her partner feels more comfortable as her other friend speaks Spanish etc and his English isn't great.

She is probably talking about you behind other people's back, if she's doing it to this friend.

I think this is the sign you need that you've been doing too much a lot for someone who doesn't value you.

Take a step back now and concentrate on other friendships.

Is her partner godfather? If so that'll be why - some people choose couples to be godparents together.

I suspect your friend will be very embarrassed by the post on social media. She probably didn’t for a minute think your mutual friend would do that.

Personally I’d just walk away from it all and leave them to it. Of course you’re friend didn’t need to have you as a Godmother but she could have told you beforehand about her decision.

You're probably more into this friendship than her. I'm sorry, it really sucks. I would be hurt too. If I were you I would distance myself a bit from this friendship and showing interest in her child, so you can focus more on other people.

@Arenanewbie yes why was that difficult to understand?

I would back off a bit. Stop being so readily available and stop with the random gifts. Sounds like she means more to you than you do to her. It’s really crap she didn’t even invite to the Baptism.

i wouldn’t be too upset about lack of christening invite as 16 guests spilt between both the parents is a low number.

@BaconMassive do you just come on here to be mean, jesus

I know how you feel...? My best friend of 20+ years picked someone else than me. They picked the husbands brothers wife...? A woman who has seen said child maybe 5 times since birth? Sends a birthday card and mentions their name on the card to the whole family. Never sent a present as far as I know.

I see the child at least once a month. Do a present for birthday and Christmas, and random little things I see through the year I think they might like. I actually have a relationship with the child, AND with the mother! The mother and I have been friends since we were 7 years old. She's known this husbands brothers wife for maybe a decade?

I was bemused by it then. Still am.

I understand your hurt OP.
My best friend of 30 years called me and asked to speak to my husband, when he came back from phonecall he said 'shes asked me to be godfather!'.
I smiled and took the phone because obviously she was about to ask me...nope she had hung up!!!!

Never mind, there really is nowt so queer as folk.
Part of being is a friend is...being a friend and supporting choices however stark raving bonkers they can be.

@pogostickplastique yes, I was a bit unsure at first, if the other friend became godmother.
it’s too hot today.

@Blackopal I think in Catholic Church wife and husband can’t be godparents for the same child, not sure 100%.

@Arenanewbie
That’s not right.
My godparents were husband and wife. My paternal uncle and his wife. Moreover, plenty of Catholic parents prefer the godparents to be a married couple and part of the extended family. Traditionally. At least in Spain, Italy, Portugal… and the Catholic families I know in the UK and Ireland.

You can be a friend to your friends’ kids without needing a title. It sounds as though you’re hurt that another friend seems to be preferred to you, but I’d maybe try to let it go.

From the Code of Canon Law

Can. 872 Insofar as possible, a person to be baptized is to be given a sponsor who assists an adult in Christian initiation or together with the parents presents an infant for baptism. A sponsor also helps the baptized person to lead a Christian life in keeping with baptism and to fulfill faithfully the obligations inherent in it.

Can. 873 There is to be only one male sponsor or one female sponsor or one of each.

Can. 874 §1. To be permitted to take on the function of sponsor a person must:

1/ be designated by the one to be baptized, by the parents or the person who takes their place, or in their absence by the pastor or minister and have the aptitude and intention of fulfilling this function;

2/ have completed the sixteenth year of age, unless the diocesan bishop has established another age, or the pastor or minister has granted an exception for a just cause;

3/ be a Catholic who has been confirmed and has already received the most holy sacrament of the Eucharist and who leads a life of faith in keeping with the function to be taken on;

4/ not be bound by any canonical penalty legitimately imposed or declared;

5/ not be the father or mother of the one to be baptized.

§2. A baptized person who belongs to a non-Catholic ecclesial community is not to participate except together with a Catholic sponsor and then only as a witness of the baptism.

@LaBrujaPiruja thank you for clarification

If you want to really be petty: buy a card and gift and drop it round the day before

I did this. I’m English. Long-standing friend was very upset. Didn’t occur to me to mention the event it to her, and she only found out months later as we don’t put anything to do with DC on SM. Christening only involved godparents and immediate family. Long-standing friend isn’t in the slightest religious (we are), and all the godparents we chose were at least vaguely religious.
she got over it.

I imagine that it is because she is Spanish Catholic.

Are there other English Catholics going to the Baptism?

It’s a Spanish thing by the sound of it, and it also sounds like they are keeping in family and godparents only (possibly pretty much all Spanish).

I can see why you might be hurt, because it sounds like you take an interest in your friends child - but as she turns down days out with him and you it sounds like she doesn’t see you in an honorary aunt role, probably because you aren’t Spanish.

So, try not to take it personally. Don’t let it get in the way of your friendship. carry on taking an interest in your friends son if you want do, but don’t do it for her sake.

I would expect the reason is related to the other woman's connection to the father. It may also be significant who the godfather is. For example I chose one godparent and my husband chose one.

I've been godmother twice and I'm not married to either godfather

Moreover, plenty of Catholic parents prefer the godparents to be a married couple and part of the extended family. Traditionally. At least in Spain, Italy, Portugal… and the Catholic families I know in the UK and Ireland.
I'm in Ireland and, yes, godparents are most often relatives, in my extended family at least. Also, one will generally be from the father's side of the family and one from the mother's - at least that's the usual pattern, so not married couples here typically, although there are exceptions of course.
So if the godfather your friends chose was a relative of your friend, the godmother should then be her husband's family member or friend, not hers. If they do things similarly in Spain, that is.
Could this explain it?

@Itloggedmeoutagain

my post says:

plenty
prefer
traditionally

I haven’t said that godmother and godfather have to be married.

I didn't say you did