Friend didn't ask me to be godmother ....

[ashelyf]

Hiya hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine.
I'm trying my best not to be hurt /upset about this but here goes.
My closest friend of 20 years has a son,who is 4 years old.
My friend is Spanish but has lived in this country longer than she's lived in Spain but her family only really speak Spanish.
She doesn't have a big circle of friends just me and this other lady (who is also Spanish and is friends through work with my friends partner)
We chat most days and she rings me when she wants a rant etc
Yesterday her other friend posted a pic on Facebook of my friends son sat with balloons holding a card asking her to be godmother.
Bare in mind a month ago my friend whilst chatting told me she hadn't seen this friend in a year and she couldn't be bothered with her as she wasn't chatting much and short replies.

Now the other sucker punch ..she hasn't even invited me to the christening.
She has spoke about it to me,never told me a date and just said we are keeping it small with only 16 guests.

I take interest in her son,always ask her to go to the farm /circus together but she always says he will be bored as I have no kids yet.
I buy him birthday /Xmas presents -thoughtful things he will like
Randomly get him pjs or whatever I see
Easter eggs etc
So it's not like I show no interest.

So how can she pick this other girl over me when just the other month she was saying she didn't have time for her etc
I'm honestly so hurt -aibu?

I'm not going to mention it to her because obviously it's her choice and maybe her partner feels more comfortable as her other friend speaks Spanish etc and his English isn't great.

@ashelyf is it to do with the more serious aspect of ‘who will parent if the parent can no longer do so’? Maybe she doesn’t want to put that potential burden on you. Does the other person have kids already?

I agree. It’s a very strange way of thinking but if the poster is ok with it then that’s all that matters.

I really think @GreatStuff67 is on the mark with possible reasons.

My sister didn’t have me as a godparent but she did have two of our other siblings. I had always thought me and her were much closer. One loves further away and there’s a big age gap with the other. I was hurt, so I asked her, and she said she was confident I’d always be a massive part of her children’s lives but she wanted to ensure the other two were too

What dumb "logic" your sister has/had. That's like teachers who reward the naughty kids in a class and ignore the well behaved ones. What a shitty and not very intelligent thing to do.

My automatic assumption is that she chose the other friend as godparent as she is also Spanish and they are having a family and godparents only event. Nothing else to this.

Can't you have more than one godmother? I thought some people have two. Perhaps she's still planning to ask?

I am an athiest CofE who is a godfather to my Catholic nephew.

@Collaborate
you can see yourself as a godparent and acted as such during the ceremony but based on the Canon (law)you are not a godparent, you are a witness to the Sacrament.

Canon 874 #1 and #2
www.vatican.va/archive/cod-iuris-canonici/eng/documents/cic_lib4-cann834-878_en.html

Lady she has chose doesn't have kids and is single.
So nothing to do with wanting a couple to be full godparents.
I do kind of think it's the Spanish thing as her partner doesn't speak much English and her partner also knows her (she introduced her to him and that's how the dated )

Being a godparent is actually a bit burdensome.

you will always feel obliged to attend every little event event in their lives even at expense of your own children. It’s also a bit of a minefield that some parents chose wealthier godparents thinking baby will get bigger presents etc. The whole thing is all a bit dodgy in my book. Most people do not choose godparents to be their to pray for the child and support it’s spiritual upbringing any more. Nor do they chose godparents as people they want to be involved with their child in event of their death- usually other people are already identified for that,

I turned down 2 further requests to be a godparent, after accepting to be godparent to twin dc. I did my role deligently with them even though they lived abroad for some years. I discovered that their parents however did nothing for my own 2 dc . Not even birthday cards when they were still quite little. No presents ever even as new born. They never really enquired after my dc except when we were meeting f2f (which wasn’t often through most of their young childhood),.
That’s fine, but it did seem very one sided that I was being “pressured” by this role to attend school plays, recognise school performance (including like SATs, or in house school tests), and churn out gifts for them. My Df didn’t ask for this…just kept making me be involved at a level I found a strain in the end (I once drove 100 mile round trip to see one of my goddaughters staring role in choral recital- only to find she sang a 4 line verse as solo, as I was told it was her audition for choral scholarship and how important it was..Although I wasn’t asked specifically to do it, I felt obliged and that I wasn’t showing support I had committed to, by not going). It didn’t help that the godchildren went to very posh boarding school so simply not part of my everyday life and as they got to be teenagers seemed to be very obsessed with kardashians and posing on social media- I was a bit gob smacked that a very expensive boarding school was condoning this sort of low expectation of obsession with appearance. Thought they were a pair of rather silly immature kids tbh.

I was glad when they were 18 and since they’d opted for confirmation prior to that I decided my job was done.

I have other good friends whose children I know well. I had them round for play dates, celebrated birthdays alongside my own DCs togther , offered to babysit as and when I could and generally mucked in on my terms when I had resources and time to do so while raising my own family. Far nicer, and have strong relationship with one of the girls now who is now 30 and we still meet up. I am definitely more a mentor to her than my godchildren who I’ve not seen in years now.

Don’t over think it. It really doesn’t matter and in the long run you’ll be glad you’re not tied to an obligation of having to be involved with the child, rather than choosing to be involved in some of their life as and when you feel you have time and resources.

I am surprised at the “Spanish thing” and gravitating to other Spanish people. I’m Spanish, DH is Brit, 20+ years in the UK; I do not have that many Spanish friends here. My Spanish friends are in Spain! In fact I only have two Spanish friends in the UK (girl I met through work and mentoring relationship developed into friendship despite the age difference, nearly 20 years) and one of my friends from University, who moved to London a few years back, and a couple of through-work acquaintances.

This all-Spanish world someone was describing upthread is completely alien to me and my Spanish-in-London friends/acquaintances.

As pp have said, you are technically a Christian Witness. You can only be a godparent if you have been baptised and received Holy Communion.

OP - if she is a good friend, talk to her.
It does sound as if they want someone Spanish.

My children have CoE “godparents” and they are just witnesses and show as witnesses in the baptism certificate. As it should be based on the Canon. Unless the information about the person not being a Catholic is not disclosed to the officiating priest or church secretary.

You are not being unreasonable - I would be really hurt by this. Especially that she is not inviting you to the event!

I think you need to tell her that

Step back. In life we should never expect things but equally we are human and allowed to feel snubbed. Step back and move on

That's not a god parents responsibility.

So the lady who is godmother introduced your friend to her partner? Makes sense to me they would ask her then

Do you know your friend's husband well too?
If you hang out all together, with both your partners and the children, I can understand why you could feel hurt, but if you usually just meet up with her, maybe her husband wanted to chose someone they both know well instead.

From a UK legal perspective yes. But from a Catholic cultural perspective the godparents are expected to step-up in those circumstances.

MN has some very narrow cultural horizons. Take the blinkers off, there's a whole world out there beyond the shires.

I also think it’s about being Spanish and close to both partners rather then just one. As both parents are Spanish I expect them to be more focused on this side.
However I would think about it carefully. It could be that your friend is less keener on your friendship then you are.

My automatic assumption is that she chose the other friend as godparent as she is also Spanish and they are having a family and godparents only event. Nothing else to this

also think it’s about being Spanish and close to both partners rather then just one. As both parents are Spanish I expect them to be more focused on this side

All of this makes absolute sense to me ^

Once that I have read that the other friend introduce the couple I think it is crystal clear.

OP, a few years back I felt like you as I thought I would be the godmother of the youngest of one of my friends in Spain. Another friend of us got to be the godmother. There had been a few hints it would be me. But I love my friend so after the initial disappointment there were no bad feelings at all. My friend is still a close friend and I love her and her daughters to bits. In this case, and after some time, now I know that they chose the other friend as she knew the guy who was going to be the godfather. To be honest with you, I haven’t even met this guy, as he is a childhood friend of my friend’s partner and I live abroad so have never come across him. My other friend, who socialises with the parents more regularly, had met him a few times.