Friend didn't ask me to be godmother ....

[ashelyf]

Hiya hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine.
I'm trying my best not to be hurt /upset about this but here goes.
My closest friend of 20 years has a son,who is 4 years old.
My friend is Spanish but has lived in this country longer than she's lived in Spain but her family only really speak Spanish.
She doesn't have a big circle of friends just me and this other lady (who is also Spanish and is friends through work with my friends partner)
We chat most days and she rings me when she wants a rant etc
Yesterday her other friend posted a pic on Facebook of my friends son sat with balloons holding a card asking her to be godmother.
Bare in mind a month ago my friend whilst chatting told me she hadn't seen this friend in a year and she couldn't be bothered with her as she wasn't chatting much and short replies.

Now the other sucker punch ..she hasn't even invited me to the christening.
She has spoke about it to me,never told me a date and just said we are keeping it small with only 16 guests.

I take interest in her son,always ask her to go to the farm /circus together but she always says he will be bored as I have no kids yet.
I buy him birthday /Xmas presents -thoughtful things he will like
Randomly get him pjs or whatever I see
Easter eggs etc
So it's not like I show no interest.

So how can she pick this other girl over me when just the other month she was saying she didn't have time for her etc
I'm honestly so hurt -aibu?

I'm not going to mention it to her because obviously it's her choice and maybe her partner feels more comfortable as her other friend speaks Spanish etc and his English isn't great.

I wouldn't worry about not being invited to the christening - that seems fairly normal to me. In my family we only ever invite godparents, grandparents, aunties and uncles and occasionally cousins if they're close. We don't invite friends. Although I have a very big family, so maybe that's why!

As for the godparent issue, perhaps it's purely because this other friend is a Spanish catholic and you're a British catholic? Maybe they have a slightly different religious culture and customs to you and they want to keep that in their choice of godparents? Please forgive me as I'm not a Catholic so I have no clue, just wondering if it's a possibility?

Also, she only asked this friend yesterday - maybe she plans to ask you when she sees you next?! I just wouldn't worry about this to be honest, I'm not convinced it necessarily has a bearing on your friendship, though I do understand why you're hurt. I hope you get to the bottom of it but I wouldn't throw a friendship away over this if all other aspects of the friendship are good x

My sister didn’t have me as a godparent but she did have two of our other siblings. I had always thought me and her were much closer. One loves further away and there’s a big age gap with the other. I was hurt, so I asked her, and she said she was confident I’d always be a massive part of her children’s lives but she wanted to ensure the other two were too.

I think @ReeseWitherfork makes a good point. I had a sibling hurt that I'm not making them godparent, but we're just having non-related godparents as we know our siblings will always be in our baby's life and we don't need to cement that further. We want to surround our baby with lots of lovely people!

Another thought I've had - maybe she plans on asking you for the next baby?! Maybe she's short of options, and knows you're the better friend and will stick around whereas the other one might not unless she cements it now?

Maybe she's saving some of the "best" god parents for the next baby. It is always a little obvious when one child has all the best friends as godparents and then the second just gets the also-rans. Maybe she's trying to avoid that?

Hi OP, regarding not being invited - in my circle of friends we generally keep that sort of event - christenings, kids birthday parties etc to family only.

It's not at all a snub on each other - we love each other, and each other's kids, to bits. Honestly it's more a silent understanding that a christening is a boring event for non family members. The first baby that arrives in the group can be very exciting, but more babies oftem arrive quickly and by baby number 7 or 8 this sort of thing can become a real chore... ditto birthday parties etc.

I just had my daughter's first birthday this weekend and even though it was exciting for me and my husband, we didn't even mention it to half our friends, or only mentioned it casually. We all have our own stuff going on! Maybe your friend thinks this way too?

Does your friend know you're Catholic?

I would imagine it's a cultural thing - being a god parent is about taking part in a church ceremony and responsibilities for supporting the child in their faith . Sometimes I think that people have their DC christened as it is an expectation within their family - and your friend's family may be more comfortable with her child's godparent coming from a similar background.

Particularly I think if your friend doesn't actually practice the faith herself she doesn't feel this as a snub to you as it isn't actually a big thing in her eyes - rather a cultural expectation so she doesn't upset other family members .

And also this maybe a bigger thing for her partner - hence picking the friend who is also her partner's friend .

Well that was a really shitty way to brush you off. It doesn't even make sense. She gave the lesser interested siblings an important role and how would that benefit her child? And to not even discuss this with you but just do it?

How many people’s godparents do anything apart from send presents for birthday and Christmas?

I agree with this, I suspect it's cultural rather than religious if you are all Catholic. Sorry that you feel hurt but I wouldn't let it come between you.

One of my two closest friends told me that she was hurt that I hadn't asked her to be Godmother. It hadn't occurred to her that we wouldn't pick a Godparent who doesn't go to church. She's an honest person and we wouldn't have put her in the position of having to take vows she didn't mean.

She's going to have to do more than get the child christened if she's using it to get in to school. Here they ask the priest to confirm you are a regular attending member of the parish!
Their may be many reasons, and the Spanish speaking bit may factor in. Let it go.

Not inviting you is the kicker. It's all hurtful, and I'd cool the friendship.

Mine were/ are very good to me. My God mother in particular helped me through some awful stuff.

I plan on being the same for my God-daughter.

I would be a bit put out OP, but as you said their choice so I'd just leave it at that. A close family member said I would be their next child's GM but they have chosen someone else. I was a bit put out but I think it is possibly because I am due my 1st this year and many they think I won't be invested enough, I've never asked.

I would be incredibly hurt. Like you said - ultimately it’s her decision; but seeing how close you are- I would ask the exact reason why she didn’t pick you. At least if it’s based on the religious aspect; you know that’s the reason and not something else.

No harm in asking and as your friend I would expect her to tell you the reason why.

Even if she couldn’t make you Godmother for religious reasons; she could at least invite you to the christening.

You are friends after all

If it helps OP. When I married I moved 70 miles away from my best friend but we stayed in touch and met up whenever I went home . She was a witness at my wedding and I asked her to be godmother to my son. Fast forward a few years and my husband had an affair and left me so I may not have contacted her as often while I got my life together. I went home to see my mum and called at her parents where she was living . Her son’s christening party was in full swing ! They invited me in but I was so hurt and embarrassed I made an excuse. I felt really unwanted and was already in a bad place due to the separation. I got over it though and we are still friends at a distance as she has moved to Australia.

I'm not going to mention it to her because obviously it's her choice and maybe her partner feels more comfortable as her other friend speaks Spanish etc and his English isn't great.

It will definitely be a language thing, I think. I assume the child is being brought up as bilingual and they want them to have close links with Spanish-speaking people growing up, especially if their family speaks mostly Spanish and her partner's English isn't the best. I honestly wouldn't worry about this; I don't think it's a snub.

I'm godmother to 2 catholic children and I am CoE so not sure if that's right.

OP it's ok to be hurt and upset. With all these things ultimately its up to the parents and you have to accept that but it's ok to be sad and it's ok to pull back on the friendship.
Also don't feel you need to get the child stuff all the time. I was one of the first to have kids and friends would often get them little gifts- it's very sweet but really unnecessary! I always told my friends to save their money for themselves :)

OP I have lived in Spain for 10 years, and know a lot of Spanish people both there and in the UK. They are lovely people, but believe me, they will always gravitate towards each other. Having friends from other cultures is a rarity (I have been lucky). They and to prioritise their own.

Is it because they want a couple to be god mother and father?

Hi OP. I'm Scottish, DH is Spanish. We live in Scotland. From my point of view I'm thinking it's almost certainly because the other friend is Spanish. We raised our DC bilingual. It's hard work when, living here, they're mostly surrounded by the English language, so we did all we could to have more Spanish speaking people in their lives.

Also, even with the language aside, it was important to us both that they had a stronger connection to the Spanish culture. Even just things like the main day at Christmas is actually in January, growing up knowing Spanish songs, food etc.

Also, my experience of Spanish Catholicism is it's very... strict? That's not the right word. Taken seriously? So even if your friend only wants DC christened so they can go to a Catholic school I wouldn't be surprised if her husband and his family wanted to this the 'proper' way, which is family and godparents only (at least, from the Spanish christenings I know about). Of course this can depend on the family but as a PP said they tend to not be as everyone come/big party as here.

And, your friend's DH knows the Spanish friend too. He'd probably want to pick people he knows.

I get why you're upset about not being picked, but my guess is there's more to it than just your friend overlooked you. I wouldn't be cutting her off or anything like that over it.

Interesting question! I am godmother to my much-loved brother's eldest daughter (she's 21 now) and have invested a lot of time - and money (I've contributed to her university fees, for example) - in her. But I've done the same for her younger sister, will contribute the same amount to her university fees when she goes and would have done all of it had they not asked me to be godmother/got them christened, frankly.

She's not into the friendship as much as you are. Buying random presents like "pyjamas when you see them" is over the top - don't do that. You're inviting her out places and she's turning you down. She hasn't invited you to the christening. It's hurtful but it sounds like this isn't the close friendship you imagine it to be.

My friend is Spanish but has lived in this country longer than she's lived in Spain but her family only really speak Spanish.
Are you implying she's not Spanish enough to have a culturally Spanish christening service? I'm guessing you don't speak Spanish, and the invited comadre's Spanish-Catholic background may be important to your friend and her family for this role.

So how can she pick this other girl over me when just the other month she was saying she didn't have time for her etc
I'm honestly so hurt -aibu?
Are you sure you're mature enough to be a godparent?