Why was this stranger so rude and mean to me?

[shqiptareJ]

I met up with a friend today for dinner, we stopped at a pub first to have a soft drink - note my use of 'soft' to highlight the fact I wasn't drunk and misinterpreting anything.

I went upstairs to the loo and an employee said that both males and females loos were blocked but I could go to the second floor and use the disabled one.

Up on the second floor was another bar and long corridor with multiple doors but no directions to the disabled loo, there was a congregation of about 5 people all stood in a huddle at the entrance of the corridor.

I politely asked "are you guys queueing for the toilet" and one bloke replied really abruptly "obviously we fucking are, are you blind?"

I was taken aback and felt myself going red with embarrassment. I said I wasn't familiar with the pub and didn't actually know where the disabled toilet was and there was no need to be rude.

I join the huddle and stand awkwardly whilst he started moaning to another man there about people being 'stupid' and not using common sense, whilst looking me up and down.

In the heat of the moment, because i felt a bit humiliated to be honest, I asked whether he makes a habit of being so rude to people he doesn't know. His response was "don't start"

Another man comes upstairs and asks the exact same question as I did to the group "are you waiting for the toilet" to which the rude one cheerily responds something along the lines of "yes mate" or pal, whichever it was.

He obviously picks and chooses who he's going to be rude to based on gender, but why was he so rude to me?

He was with a woman who to be honest looked embarrassed by his behaviour.

It really spoiled my day.

As soon as I started reading your post, I thought 'I bet the rude stranger is a man'.

Should have said, "Its always the shrimp dicks with the biggest mouths." Oioi shrimpy!

This. He did it because you are a woman and it made him feel big and powerful.

Yeah, me too. So fucking predictable, isn't it?

He is a dick. I’ve encountered a few of these in my life. I always think of something to say long after the opportunity has passed. So my advice to anyone reading this, including OP, is to have a collection of generic phrases ready to deliver. Along the lines of
” I don’t know what’s wrong with you but it has made you a rude bastard, are you ill?”
” Why are you so rude, can’t hold your drink?”
”Didn’t your parents teach you any manners?”
etc etc
make up your own versions and rehearse, rehearse, until you can wallop them back when required.

Because he’s so fucking insignificant that he has to be rude to women to make himself feel better about what a pathetic little weasel he is. I understand why it shook you up and I’m surprised no one said anything but I can guarantee that everyone else would have thought he was a prize idiot.

He’s just a twat OP

Nothing to do with you

and if it’s any comfort he’s very unhappy. Probably his mum didn’t love him. And who could blame her 😁

Because he wanted to specifically intimidate a woman and the op has been a victim of DV in the past and found it triggering.

I wish there were more 'old school' men still around. My dad would have gone right through him for speaking to you like that.
The deputy head at my school had a child planning meeting recently, with the parents of the (additional support needs) child, educational professionals involved with the child, etc. She is truly excellent at her job. She said afterwards that the father was shouting and swearing at her, but when he heard the same thing from a male colleague, he totally accepted it and calmed down.
So fucking depressing.

Most men manage to check themselves before being arrogant towards other men

I HATE THEM ALL
😂

A sad little twat of a man was absolutely vile to me a few weeks ago over something mundane. I told him to ‘just wait there a sec’ (we were in a car park) and opened the car door to DH to explain what had happened. DH came out and well let’s just say there was ‘an altercation’ with the weasley little cunt begging ‘I was only joking mate! It was a joke honest she took it the wrong way!’ If in doubt, fight fire with a bigger, nastier fire 🙃

OP - it’s the fact you are a young woman in your 20’s.

I don’t think I experienced more hostility than I ever did in my 20’s. People ( not just guys - though it’s mostly older blokes)

it’s misogyny. I’m not quite sure why they hate young women so much. But take heart in the fact that it’s because you are young and beautiful and you make him feel inadequate just by being you.

I feel for the woman that he was with. He probably talks about women that way in general. Just be thankful that you don't have to go home with him!

What race are you?
What was his race?
If there is a difference that is it.

If not, it's because you're a woman.

Sounds like a crap pub if people like him go there.

Ooh, that's true about the 20s thing.
I'm in my 40s now and I think I prefer this cloak of invisibility

Just forget him. Not worth the hassle.

Me too - love being in my 40’s.

people are nicer to you. And men give you less shit ( maybe it’s my resting bitch face that scares them)

Some people are just nasty - maybe he was a bit drunk? Frankly, I'd be more shocked that the disabled loo is on the second floor. Is there a lift?

I don’t blame you for being shocked/upset by this man - particularly given your experience of domestic violence. It’s a shame that no-one else gave him a piece of their mind on your behalf if you were obviously a bit shaken. I think it’s much easier for someone else to step in as your reactions aren’t always forthcoming when put on the spot this way.

Please don’t waste another moment letting this man invade your thoughts - he did it because he’s a vile person. You can’t understand his reasons so don’t waste time trying. You were probably just the next unfortunate female to cross his path.

When I’m disappointed by the actions of others I try to remember I have no bearing on their life or them on mine. He is a vile moron irrespective of you. The poor idiot has to go through his life this way, I can’t imagine that does him many favours at all do you?

Meanwhile you get to walk away, a decent human being who most people with treat with the reciprocal respect you show them. His female company will hopefully soon walk away too.

This. He also wouldn’t have said anything if you’d been with your DH. I’ve seen men like this physically jump back and start apologising when they realised the man standing next to me was my DH (who is 5’8, and really not physically intimidating).

He did not have to answer the second man but he chose to do so in a completely different and pleasant way. This is gaslighting. He answered the man to purposely make you feel small and worthless.

I am so sorry for you and quite upset none of the other men called him out. They are just as bad. The woman who was with is not in for a good time. He was signalling to her as well. She is being groomed to be on his good side, read walking on egg shells.

I am not sure what I would have done in your situation. Probably the same and been upset.

Drunk, sad, pathetic male. Wouldn't dare speak to a man like that as he'd get knocked the fuck out. Vile behaviour, makes me blood boil.

But they will have heard you challenge him.And even if they didn’t support you I think,( hope), a seed will have been sown. Next time they see the ee advert they will, (perhaps) , stop for a moment and think “Wow, Rudebloke was a tosser the other day wasn’t he, and now I come to think about it, Rudebloke is quite often a tosser around women. What a loser he is , I’ll say something next time.”

well done for standing up for yourself, and all the other women Rudebloke thinks it is his place to make snarky remarks to.

I'm also sorry for what happened to you OP and I can relate. And I can do all this without telling you to get over it and grow a pair, which is super unhelpful and privileged to boot 🤔

I'll join in with agreeing that he is a misogynistic bully who enjoys picking on women as they're are not likely to punch him on the nose - as evidenced by his completely different response to the same question asked by a man moments later.

I imagine you felt teary because of a combination of upset and stress (in finding yourself confronted with such an unexpected aggressive reply to your perfectly reasonable question)? it's an automatic response and completely understandable.

It's definitely him not you.