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Original poster

DS is gay - reposting for traffic

116 replies

MamaCathy73 · 10/07/2022 20:49

Hello,

My DS is 16 and he is gay. He came out a few years ago, and DH and I have done our best to support him since. We are, and always have been, tolerant towards everyone and their sexual identity. However, our son recently accused us of being anti-LGBTA as we did not want to attend Pride with him. While we wanted to support him, we are vulnerable and are scared of Covid, so because of that, did not go. How should we deal with him? He is very upset with us, and our efforts so far have not worked.

Thank you!

OP posts:
HairyFrogMother · 12/07/2022 11:42

This reply has been deleted

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Minimalme · 12/07/2022 11:49

I was literally about to say there will be more to it than not going to Pride with him, when I saw the pp link to your other thread.

I could tell by the carefully positioned wording you used in your op, which set you up as an innocent, bewildered victim and your son as an unreasonable brat.

Your poor son.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 12/07/2022 11:53

I would go. Get an FFP3 mask and put some rainbow stickers on it. That will keep the ole covid away. He is being a bit entitled, but young people finding their way in the world can be entitled and also need support.

BiscuitLover3678 · 12/07/2022 11:56

Hello op, I’m sorry you are getting a hard time. Do you think he knows that covid is definitely the reason or do you think he deep down worries he doesn’t have your support?
He is a teenager and then can be over emotional at the best of times.
It’s done now, so I think talk to him and just say how sorry you are and that you would try to go next year. You know it might sound silly but you’re still nervous of crowds due to covid and that can happen when you get older. I’m assuming you don’t go to other crowded places?
And you can show your support publicly in any ways. Can you wear things out that are pride related? Just let him know you love him and care, which I’m sure you will.

BiscuitLover3678 · 12/07/2022 11:59

There are always some juicy homophobic posts in these threads. 🤔

TheLostNights · 12/07/2022 12:01

OP, you are getting a hard time here.
I know someone who still is in denial that their 40 year old son is gay which really is pathetic.
Wishing your family all the best x

Iluvfriends · 12/07/2022 12:08

If you don't want to go to Pride then you are well within your rights not to go.

Is he saying you dont support him because you didn't attend Pride. That's nonsense.

nananess · 12/07/2022 12:09

Carpy88999 · 12/07/2022 07:50

If my son was gay I wouldn't care one little bit however I wouldn't go to pride as its not my thing. Hate crowds and hate forced fun, I wouldn't go to a nightclub for the same reason.

This is how I'd feel.

What's so special with being gay? It's normal and part of everyday life. People are either bi, straight or gay, that's life what's the big deal?

I have told my dc since they were pre-teens that some people prefer to be with people of the same sex and that's totally ok and that if they should decide that that's right for them when the time comes then that'd be ok and we'd be completely supportive as each person makes this choice for themselves.

I love the fact that gay rights have come such a long way, it's liberating. Would I go to Pride? Never in a million years. I hate forced fun and partying plus I really don't feel comfortable with sexuality being branded under the pride umbrella. It's all about the rainbow as a commercial brand now rather than about people's equal rights and responsibilities. To me sexuality is private not something to display.

I do wonder also why there is a whole month dedicated to Pride. Is this really necessary?

nananess · 12/07/2022 12:12

CharlotteOH · 12/07/2022 10:00

This isn’t about him being gay, or even about covid risk, it’s a typical teenage control game. (A lot of teens at the moment are using the trans movement to police their parents’ speech for example: it makes them feel powerful and gives them a ‘woke’ excuse to insult their bewildered parents.)

Bottom line… It is never ok for a child to demand his parents do something and then throw a tantrum if they don’t. Tell him that if this shitty attitude is coming from internet forums then you’ll cut off his wifi and stop paying for his phone, so to think seriously about how he talks to his parents.

Pride is a political event combined with a promiscuous hook up scene and many gay people, particularly lesbians, find it in very bad taste and avoid it. I’d never let a 16 year old go.

Tell your 16 year old that his sexual preferences are up to him but good manners are not optional and to stop being a tantruming toddler.

What do you mean by typical teenage control game?

Do teenagers play control games? How does this play out and how to you best deal with?

voldr · 12/07/2022 12:34

What's so special with being gay? It's normal and part of everyday life. People are either bi, straight or gay, that's life what's the big deal?

OPs husband think it's a big deal.

nananess · 12/07/2022 12:59

OPs husband think it's a big deal.

That's a shame if OP's husband is homophobic.

On reflection, maybe saying 'what's the big deal?' is the same as saying 'we don't see skin colour in regard to racism.

Let me just express that differently. I can see why there is a need to have supportive collective action for LGB communities but I personally would prefer this to be less commercial than what we have now. More grassroots and more diverse. The carnival aspect of Pride suits a certain kind of personality, many people do not feel represented by this. But as this is not 'my cause' I should probably stop commenting on it. I suppose I just don't like flag waving of any kind.

NightmareSlashDelightful · 12/07/2022 13:23

What's so special with being gay? It's normal and part of everyday life. People are either bi, straight or gay, that's life what's the big deal?

The big deal is that being gay or bi is a minority. A big one (if that's not a contradiction in terms). And one which has historically (and still to this day) elicits a range of prejudices from everyone from parents to church leaders to politicians. Society, generally, is set up by and for straight people. Everything gay people have now, any rights and protections, we've had to fight for. Gay people (like me) grow up being told, explicitly and implicitly, that being straight is normal and that anything else is wrong or unwelcome. This makes it very difficult to come to terms with in your own head. Quite often, a gay teenager will feel very isolated. They may well be the only person within their social circle who is gay. So there are limited frames of reference.

So the 'special'ness of being gay is that it is a) rare and b) something that means you have to define yourself against what society, and quite often your own family, expect you to be. This can feel like everything when you're 16, frightened, isolated and lonely.

I have told my dc since they were pre-teens that some people prefer to be with people of the same sex and that's totally ok and that if they should decide that that's right for them when the time comes then that'd be ok and we'd be completely supportive as each person makes this choice for themselves.

You're making a big, and really quite offensive, error here. Being gay isn't a choice or a preference; it's simply who someone is. It's as fundamental a part of them as the colour of their skin. It's not something they choose, prefer or decide.

HerrenaHarridan · 12/07/2022 13:53

CharlotteOH · 12/07/2022 10:00

This isn’t about him being gay, or even about covid risk, it’s a typical teenage control game. (A lot of teens at the moment are using the trans movement to police their parents’ speech for example: it makes them feel powerful and gives them a ‘woke’ excuse to insult their bewildered parents.)

Bottom line… It is never ok for a child to demand his parents do something and then throw a tantrum if they don’t. Tell him that if this shitty attitude is coming from internet forums then you’ll cut off his wifi and stop paying for his phone, so to think seriously about how he talks to his parents.

Pride is a political event combined with a promiscuous hook up scene and many gay people, particularly lesbians, find it in very bad taste and avoid it. I’d never let a 16 year old go.

Tell your 16 year old that his sexual preferences are up to him but good manners are not optional and to stop being a tantruming toddler.

People are so quick to speak for others

As a young lesbian I loved pride! I loved the sex positive, body positive party vibe and that for the first time in my life I felt surrounded by people like me.
i went by myself at 17 to a big city one and was made very welcome.

the only people I know with negative experiences of pride were overwhelmed by the crowds. It’s not whatever kind of sleaze fest people like to say it is (until later in the clubs I now know) it’s just an extravagantly dressed street party for people who mostly have felt like they needed to hide or be less than themselves to be acceptable

Dotjones · 12/07/2022 14:07

It's pretty offensive for him that he recently accused us of being anti-LGBTA and you should have a frank conversation with him as to why he thinks it's ok to exclude certain groups from the LGBTQQIP2SAA banner.

That's the problem with people accusing others of intolerance, often the person making the accusation has prejudices of their own.

LeafHunter · 12/07/2022 14:10

I call reverse.

psydrive · 12/07/2022 14:12

It's pretty offensive for him that he recently accused us of being anti-LGBTA

Considering his dad makes homophobic comments I'd say it's accurate.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 12/07/2022 14:21

You only tolerate him being gay??
My son is gay... he has my unconditional love and support,
Whoever he chooses is just fine for me, as long as he's happy
I'm guessing your DS is picking up the vibe you only tolerate his sexuality

uncomfortablydumb53 · 12/07/2022 14:25

As for Covid, it wouldn't affect my view on going to an event
I'm going on a train on Friday to see my sons graduation
There's a chance I could catch Covid there, but so what? He's more important

OperaStation · 12/07/2022 14:29

OldTinHat · 10/07/2022 20:59

Does he want to go everywhere that you want to attend? Events? No??

If he wanted to go, let him go...doesn't mean you don't support him because you didn't go as well.

Goodness. He sounds a bit of a drama. You've supported him coming out and that's wonderful. For you all. You don't have to hold his hand everywhere at his age.

This. He is behaving like a child. Covid is an entirely valid reason to avoid a huge gathering at the moment. 1:20 people in the UK have it.

He seems to be reading something into your refusal to go along.

Pkwi · 12/07/2022 15:14

I wouldn't go to Pride with my DS, it's not my idea of fun, too much walking and far too many people. I'll support him in other ways.

I'd put him in his drama queen place if he told me that I wasn't being supportive

nananess · 12/07/2022 15:16

NightmareSlashDelightful · 12/07/2022 13:23

What's so special with being gay? It's normal and part of everyday life. People are either bi, straight or gay, that's life what's the big deal?

The big deal is that being gay or bi is a minority. A big one (if that's not a contradiction in terms). And one which has historically (and still to this day) elicits a range of prejudices from everyone from parents to church leaders to politicians. Society, generally, is set up by and for straight people. Everything gay people have now, any rights and protections, we've had to fight for. Gay people (like me) grow up being told, explicitly and implicitly, that being straight is normal and that anything else is wrong or unwelcome. This makes it very difficult to come to terms with in your own head. Quite often, a gay teenager will feel very isolated. They may well be the only person within their social circle who is gay. So there are limited frames of reference.

So the 'special'ness of being gay is that it is a) rare and b) something that means you have to define yourself against what society, and quite often your own family, expect you to be. This can feel like everything when you're 16, frightened, isolated and lonely.

I have told my dc since they were pre-teens that some people prefer to be with people of the same sex and that's totally ok and that if they should decide that that's right for them when the time comes then that'd be ok and we'd be completely supportive as each person makes this choice for themselves.

You're making a big, and really quite offensive, error here. Being gay isn't a choice or a preference; it's simply who someone is. It's as fundamental a part of them as the colour of their skin. It's not something they choose, prefer or decide.

I worded it slightly differently actually. I told them that some people like to be in a relationship with a partner who is the same sex as them and that they (my dc) could chose to be in a same sex relationship if they felt that was right for them when they were old enough. The key message is that we'd support and love them whether they chose to be in a heterosexual or same sex relationship. It was entirely appropriate for a 9 and 10 year old. I certainly wasn't going to talk about innate sexual attraction to my young dc.

I don't care if you find how I speak with my dc about sex and relationship matters offensive, it's frankly none of your business🙂.

Harridance · 12/07/2022 15:17

Hairyfrogmother, you're seriously comparing a pride march to jim'll fix it?!

darlingcellar · 12/07/2022 15:23

I don't care if you find how I speak with my dc about sex and relationship matters offensive, it's frankly none of your business 🙂

When you post inaccurate and offensive shit, people will respond 🙂

NightmareSlashDelightful · 12/07/2022 15:30

nananess · 12/07/2022 15:16

I worded it slightly differently actually. I told them that some people like to be in a relationship with a partner who is the same sex as them and that they (my dc) could chose to be in a same sex relationship if they felt that was right for them when they were old enough. The key message is that we'd support and love them whether they chose to be in a heterosexual or same sex relationship. It was entirely appropriate for a 9 and 10 year old. I certainly wasn't going to talk about innate sexual attraction to my young dc.

I don't care if you find how I speak with my dc about sex and relationship matters offensive, it's frankly none of your business🙂.

Show quote history

Correct. Except that you posted about how you framed it, in some detail, on a public forum. Which makes it, if not my business, at least open to comment.

Forgotthebins · 12/07/2022 15:44

Yes that other post does put a different colour on it. Sounds like your son is asking to know if you actually have his back. Do you?