DS is gay - reposting for traffic

[MamaCathy73]

Hello,

My DS is 16 and he is gay. He came out a few years ago, and DH and I have done our best to support him since. We are, and always have been, tolerant towards everyone and their sexual identity. However, our son recently accused us of being anti-LGBTA as we did not want to attend Pride with him. While we wanted to support him, we are vulnerable and are scared of Covid, so because of that, did not go. How should we deal with him? He is very upset with us, and our efforts so far have not worked.

Thank you!

It's seems to be quite common for people to throw around accusations of opposing something or being hateful because of a refusal to comply with one demand or another. Tell him you love him and support him but you do not appreciate the manipulation and will not be explaining your reasons, for not going to pride this year, again.

I don't go to pride either - not because I don't support my child but because I don't like huge events. I think how you treat your child aside from a showy event is much more important.

This just sounds pretty sad to me. It sounds like he tried to reach out, connect and ask for support with an area he is probably still struggling with and felt let down by your response (and none of us reading know how this conversation transpired or what reassurance you gave him that this was not over his sexuality but due to your own Covid fears, but he has clearly taken it badly.)

Not every 16 year old in this position has made connections with their friends or the larger LGBT community, many are still struggling, experience bullying, and have only selectively come out, and he maybe didn't have anyone else to go with. I think most teenagers who did have friends who were supportive, or were connected in the community would have taken this option, but it sounds like this maybe wasn't available to him, and so he came to you.

In his mind this might have translated into a sense that you are ashamed and unsupportive of him, especially if you find yourself using words like 'tolerate' however mistakenly, this is something to think more about.

I would talk to him more, try to clearly articulate your feelings around Covid - if this is the genuine reason he should be able to appreciate this from your other preventative actions relating to Covid. If it was a stand-alone justification when you don't appear to be taking any other serious measures regarding Covid he may doubt what he is hearing, but that is all you can do.

He is being unreasonable. Someone can be 100% supportive of gay people but have no desire to go to Pride. I certainly wouldn't want to go. From what I gather, Pride is all about kink these days anyway, not about gay people.

I'd have taken him, but as a GC women I'd have been very nervous about going due to some of the activists. But for my DS I'd do it. I'd also be happier that I was protecting him from extremist groups by going with him.

Just reiterate that you love him and accept him as he is but didn’t want to go to pride. Didn’t he want to go with friends? I love DD and would be fine with her being gay but would be really annoyed if that meant I absolutely must attend pride or I’m a bigot. I would put this one down to him being a teenager, might be a lesson in there as well about the difference between love and support and compliance.

@MamaCathy73 no maybe no but you're letting your child down massively by using covid as an excuse. It's quite frankly pathetic now. What next? You won't go to his graduation or his birthday parties. Ffs! There's taking precautions then there's being ridiculous. I'm sorry but people like you make me really angry. Covid has been around over 2 years now, it's not going anywhere. Are you going to live like this for the rest of your life?
Maybe not go to pride but stop hiding behind covid and learn to support your child properly. I'd go to my worst nightmare if it meant supporting my child 🙄

Three responses from me (also mother of a 16 year old gay DS):

1. The covid variant behind the current wave is as infectious as measles. If you are vulnerable you are right to take precautions.
2. It is developmentally normal for kids that age to challenge and judge parents. It’s hard to take but that’s what they do.
3. Tell DS that without a time machine you can’t change what happened but you’d like to do something else to be supportive. Would he like to go to a drag show, or get involved in an LGBT+ social group? Help him look forward in a positive way not backwards in a negative way.

Good luck. If he’s able to talk to you about his feelings about this it sounds like you’re doing very well.

I don't think covid is a reasonable excuse. Got to get back to life as normal. I've been to countless big events. It's fine. It's not 2020. Attend a side event if not the parade thing.

That said I'm not sure why a 16yo would want to go to pride with his parents. Has he no friends?

Have a price party for small group in your own garden/ home? Get tshirts made,order decorations and agree to go next year?

Pride not price lol

If my son was gay I wouldn't care one little bit however I wouldn't go to pride as its not my thing. Hate crowds and hate forced fun, I wouldn't go to a nightclub for the same reason.

I suspect he feels like you're not very supportive in general as your OP certainly doesn't come across as though you are 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you just need to re-iterate what you’ve said here, it’s not the event but the crowds that put you off.

I just wanted to say I don’t understand why you got slammed for using the word “tolerate” - I heard that as being generally tolerant people, or like living in a tolerant society, ie live and let live. Not that you can “barely tolerate” his sexuality or something. You sound perfectly loving.

Back to Pride, I went this year as a duty to a family member but didn’t enjoy it much, just out of practise with big events. I am bisexual and used to go when younger, I think it is mainly a party for the younger generation tbh. I think you could say you will do your best to find a side event suitable for CV people next year and ask if there is something you could do now, like organise a mini LGBT film night at home with or without other family and friends, quality time to talk.

But he does need to understand that it is ok for you to make judgements in relation to your own health and he needs to respect that boundary. Most kids think their parents are invulnerable but you know you are not. Maybe he thinks it is “uncool” to still care about COVID but you know you need to balance all these priorities. Good luck.

I'd hope if you are not someone who attends anything with large crowds he would be understanding whilst disappointed.

I'm bisexual I don't attend pride for myself because it's bloody boring and not welcoming to my straight appearing self (so much stuff about the "community" being hostile to bisexual women). But my child, a lesbian, wanted me to go so I went. Unfortunately teenagers are very simplistic and only see 'supportive' as doing things they see online and on their terms. Learning to accommodate others takes time and maturity.

I agree with this and I wouldn't go either. It's just not my scene.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong OP, you’re not compelled to go to Pride because your son is gay - covid or no covid. I’m supportive of LGB rights, but my opposition to gender identity means I wouldn’t go to Pride right now either. As long as you’re treating his sexuality and partners as if you would if he were straight, there’s zero issue. He sounds like a bit of a drama llama.

Pride is a homophobic misogynistic corporate kink fest now. You couldn't pay me to attend.

I came out to my parents back in the 90s at 16. I live in the SE so have attended Brighton Pride many times over the years - never once with my parents and it never ever occurred to me to ask them - it would be completely out of character for them to go to such an event.

My mum was initially unaccepting of my being a lesbian but she came round and has been a very accepting and supportive parent ever since that early blip (she is nearly 80 and has a wickedly accurate gaydar!)

Parents don't need to attend Pride with their children to be considered supportive - I think most ppl attending Pride would prefer their parents weren't there frankly given the shenanigans that go on.

Perhaps ask your son why he wants you to attend? If he were performing at Pride and wanted you to see him up on stage I could understand that but just to go with him seems odd if you don't want to go for yourself, I.e because you enjoy very busy crowds, lots of walking, bodies all pressed in together, loud music and lots of booze and drugs - my mum would absolutely hate it so why would I demand she go? Where would that put my acceptance for the person she is? No, it's an unreasonable request.

To be honest, I dislike what Pride has become (#NotProudOfPride) and now I'm a parent I certainly wouldn't take my son. Not because I'm ashamed of being SSA (I'm very open about who and what I am as I think that's really important for young LGB ppl to see) but Pride and the LGBTQ+ brand has become big business and has been taken over by other ppl for other purposes than LGB rights and it reflects badly on LGB ppl so I want absolutely nothing to do with it and I know many other LGB and T ppl feel the same - but that's topic for another thread.

It was obviously more important to your son than you realised. Even if Pride isn't your cup of tea, perhaps he wanted to show you what he considers his culture. Unless you've been absolutely nowhere for the past 2 years where there's any volume of people then you've been unreasonable. I'm sure there would have been an event on somewhere you could have made the effort to go to.