Neighbour has an OW

[tryingtohelpbutprobabyfailing]

My lovely 67 year old neighbour has a wife and 2 children.

At 42 she was diagnosed with severe MS . Had been diagnosed with MS in her 30s..

At age 55 her husband could no longer cope as her problem is with swallowing. She went into a specialist nursing home. He visits everyday without fail. No holiday for ten years as cannot not visit..

Two years ago he met a woman at the home whose husband was in a similar situation. Long story short they have now formed a relationship. Things have now moved in to such a degree that they want to live together.

Kids know if the relationship and are civil, polite but not exactly welcoming . (Kids from both sides - she also has 2) they are all in their 20/30s ..

All are against it - despite both spouses now having very much reduced cognitive function..

I don't know how long her husband has been Ill but my neighbour has been a carer for over 30 years .. lost his 30s 40s 50s and most of his 60s to this disease ..

The kids say NO ! till death do you part ...

I say 'you only have one life and you need to enjoy it ...

What does MN say ? (In case people don't know - MS (multiple sclerosis) it will NEVER get better ...

@Pkwi

I would want my partner to move on if I was at the stage of needing to be in a home. I've told him that he would have my blessing.

@Plogeggio

All I know is that if I imagine me and my husband being in this situation in 20 year' time, I absolutely would want him to find comfort with someone else, and he would deserve to have someone who was capable of loving him back, so I'd absolutely be okay with this.

In theory you think that. The reality is that if your husband started having an affair with another woman whilst you were suffering profoundly and deeply with a severe illness, no WAY would you be 'OK' with it. No-one would.

I know his kids really well- I am 'auntie' (I don't know hers at all)

I am also going to show them the thread ...

WTF @tryingtohelpbutprobabyfailing WHY? Why would you show them this thread?

I think he's deserves some happiness and love. It doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife or loves her less than the new woman. No one can judge other peoples lives. There but for the grace of god go I is my motto

I wonder if the kids are still grieving g for their mum as she was and the family as it once was. My mum has Alzheimer's and complex needs, she was diagnosed over 10 years ago and has been in a nursing home for 7 years. I have grieved for my mum and my brother has grieved in a different way. He wants her to be his mum like she was and he resists any decline in her condition and won't accept that she is deteriorating gradually. I know that my mum isn't who she was although she still is my mum. I have become her advocate and her parent. I love her and will fight tooth and nail for her but she isn't "there" any more.

I can see that my brother and I are at two different stages in our grieving for our mum and maybe what is behind his children attitude to his his having another woman is their not being able to accept or acknowledge their loss and like my brother, wanting things to be as they once were. All this is probably on a very irrational level - they know things will never be how they were but by their father having a new woman it brings their loss to the surface for them

Whatever happens they can't deny him some happiness in his life.

If asked by the neighbour I'd be noncommittal, saying something like "It's really not my place to comment". I avoid neighbour's private life situations at all costs.

I recently lost a very dear friend to MS so I'm kind of surprising myself that at the same time I'd be thinking "you only live once so be happy Mr Neighbour".

I couldn’t judge them badly in that situation, in fact I’d wish them well, and it’s sad the kids aren’t happy but I can also understand that. Sad situation all round.

No he's not a cad. He has essentially lost all essence of his wife, and is remaining a constant in her life and maintaining his love and care for her as much as she can recieve it.

That he is also managing to have somewhat of a 'life' outside of caring for her is nothing determental to his wife or his love for her I see it.

There is a difference between stopping living and dying. Unless you have had a family member in that situation it is very hard to understand.

DO NOT SHOW HIS CHILDREN THIS THREAD!

He had asked your opinion. THEY HAVEN'T.

Unlike other posters I think it's fine for you to explore this on mumsnet. But as the child of someone in a care home, if a neighbour or relative showed me a post they'd made online in order to make me come round to their opinion, I'd be absolutely furious, both with her and with my father for being the catalyst for the post..

I feel that he is upholding his end of the bargain. He takes care of his wife, provides companionship by visiting (more isn't possible anyway), isn't divorcing her and looks out for her wellbeing. That he has found some loving support for himself is totally understandable and probably necessary for hus own wellbeing to keep doing it all.

I do understand why the children might find it confrontational though. It is their mother that they miss.