Neighbour has an OW

[tryingtohelpbutprobabyfailing]

My lovely 67 year old neighbour has a wife and 2 children.

At 42 she was diagnosed with severe MS . Had been diagnosed with MS in her 30s..

At age 55 her husband could no longer cope as her problem is with swallowing. She went into a specialist nursing home. He visits everyday without fail. No holiday for ten years as cannot not visit..

Two years ago he met a woman at the home whose husband was in a similar situation. Long story short they have now formed a relationship. Things have now moved in to such a degree that they want to live together.

Kids know if the relationship and are civil, polite but not exactly welcoming . (Kids from both sides - she also has 2) they are all in their 20/30s ..

All are against it - despite both spouses now having very much reduced cognitive function..

I don't know how long her husband has been Ill but my neighbour has been a carer for over 30 years .. lost his 30s 40s 50s and most of his 60s to this disease ..

The kids say NO ! till death do you part ...

I say 'you only have one life and you need to enjoy it ...

What does MN say ? (In case people don't know - MS (multiple sclerosis) it will NEVER get better ...

This 1000%.

My neighbour has been married for over 50 years. His wife is lovely and we are fond of them both. i have known them for about 15 years and we have always got on well with both of them She has vascular dementia. It was diagnosed abut two years ago and she is declining but is still able to go to the shops and garden and clean the house.
Its the day to day living that is the tough part. There is no conversation between them. He can't talk to her about anything other than what needs doing in the house etc.
She has been like this for a long time really. If I talk to her I make the conversation easy as she sort of glazes over. We talk about the bins, and pass parcels if they are delivered, and we smile at my grandsons antics.
You could not talk to her about politics or anything that happens on our street - she does not have opinions any more.
I know he struggles. If I knock on their door he will keep me talking about anything after we have discussed the original topic. You can see he is frustrated and probably lonely.
He has said some quite suggestive things to me which he would not say in front of her, and if I thank him for doing something he will always try to hug and kiss me.
He has hinted that he sees other women. I pretend I haven't heard or understood on those occasions, I do not want to know, and I do not want to be made complicit
Every so often he goes off for a couple of days on the premise that he is attending to something for his son. I have a feeling he sees someone on those days away. It is none of my business of course and eventually he won't be able to leave her in the house on her own.
It's not my place to judge and none of my business, but it is all very sad.

For about the umpteenth time !
It IS my 'business' if the party concerned ASKS ME for an opinion .

I am on an anonymous forum , I've NC and changed some identifying info but not the situation. So if your 'holier than thou ' attitude could take a break for five minutes perhaps you could simply give your opinion to a moral dilemma without adding the entirely pointless 'myob' motif ..

I think there's nothing wrong with it and I feel very sad that they all find themselves in this situation

It IS my 'business' if the party concerned ASKS ME for an opinion .

Yes, your 'business' to offer your opinion.

Not to share it with MN to ask theirs.

Others have said why is if different to all the other MN posts about other people - it's because in this case, OP has no connection with the actual situation - she's completely outside it & only an observer as distinct to sharing something going on in her own life.

Every supportive post is seen as some kind of validation of her neighbour's choice, quite dramatically.

The neighbour isn't doing anything wrong but my heart breaks for the kids.

And I still think it's wrong to post another family's situation on an forum like this without permission or some connection

I know I'd want my husband to be happy if I was in the same situation. I wouldn't expect him to put his life on hold for possibly years. Medical advances are great but they keep people alive for too long sometimes when their quality of life is awful.

Your neighbour should not feel guilty at all.

At the age of 50 my DP is currently having to help me a lot due to medical issues. I do not at this point, expect him to find someone who will give him what I can't given we are still active. In the situation you described I think he definitely deserves some freedom and outing and company and this is the only circumstance I would accept 'infidelity'. You don't know what's round the corner so tell him to grab some happiness whilst he can.

It’s not the children’s business, or ours, or yours.

It’s for the people involved to decide, and that does mean he should discuss the situation with his wife.

When he confided in you, I bet he wasn't expecting to end up on a public forum that's regularly used as tabloid fodder.

If I was in the situation of your husband's poor wife I think I'd prefer he find comfort and solace with someone experiencing the same thing than insist on him being lonely.

Personally, I wouldn't do it, however I don't think he is doing anything wrong. It is none of the kids' business either.

Honestly if people didn't post other people business on here there would be very few posts!

As he asked you opinion its reasonable for you to give it and as you asked ours I think what he is doing is fine.

I think he deserves to find happiness in another relationship. It’s a very sad situation.

But what about the other two parents in the care home? Are they happy about this. Everyone seems to think only of the career, no one seems to think about the person being cared for, whose life is no bed of roses either and would only be made worse by their spouse pissing off with someone else while they are still around.

Don't show him this!! Why would you show him you've been chatting about him on mumsnet? You've given him your opinion he doesn't need random strangers.

I see no reason why OP shouldn't share her dilemma with us. And, fwiw, I think the husband has already devoted a large proportion of his life to caring for his wife.. What's he supposed to do? Divorce her before being able to grab a little happiness for himself? The ADC certainly wouldn't like that! None of us are in his situation so we shouldn't be judgmental. The wife won't know and won't suffer.

They deserve some happiness!

This sounds exactly like a plot in Classic Coronation Street right now.

Are you the OW @tryingtohelpbutprobabyfailing ??? (It sounds a bit like you are - to me anyway...)

You seem very VERY involved, and over-invested in this neighbour's life. IDGAF what my neighbours do with their lives. 😕 If you're not the OW, why are you so involved/over-invested?'

He deserves to find happiness. It’s crap and unfair what has happened to his wife but he won’t win any prizes for sacrificing himself entirely & living the next X years on his own. The normal mumsnet advice is to divorce if you have feelings for anyone else but how does this help his wife if he leaves her? Some people on here are so sanctimonious about marriage but in cases like this there are no happy ever afters.

Why the hell would you show them this thread? Are you just trying to create drama 🙄

My mum had a similar disease to MS. She was divorced from my father but if they had been married when she reached this stage I would have given him my blessing to move on with a new relationship in those circumstances.

my mothers illness is hereditary. 50/50 I have it also. I have told my partner that I would not want him to waste his life visiting me in a care home if I have no clue who he even is. Of course I don’t even plan to get to that stage but I know I could.

Oh no please don't show them the thread too. You're stirring. Just leave them the he'll alone.

A friend of ours was in a similar situation. His wife was in a sheltered flat and he had a friend whose husband was ill. (Can't recall the details.) They spent time together for company and comfort. It wasn't a physical relationship other than cuddles and hugs. It was good for both of them and gave them strength to deal with the very sad situations they were in with their spouses. No way was I disapproving.
And I wasn't interfering - he's a very old friend of both of us and confides in me.

Just for balance, incase anyone is waiting for a diagnosis or suspects they have MS...

I'm 5 years post diagnosis. Working full time with an active and healthy life style.

To.answer the OP's question.. I.would want my partner to move on if I was at the stage of needing to be in a home. I've told him that he would have my blessing.

This. ^