Neighbour has an OW

[tryingtohelpbutprobabyfailing]

My lovely 67 year old neighbour has a wife and 2 children.

At 42 she was diagnosed with severe MS . Had been diagnosed with MS in her 30s..

At age 55 her husband could no longer cope as her problem is with swallowing. She went into a specialist nursing home. He visits everyday without fail. No holiday for ten years as cannot not visit..

Two years ago he met a woman at the home whose husband was in a similar situation. Long story short they have now formed a relationship. Things have now moved in to such a degree that they want to live together.

Kids know if the relationship and are civil, polite but not exactly welcoming . (Kids from both sides - she also has 2) they are all in their 20/30s ..

All are against it - despite both spouses now having very much reduced cognitive function..

I don't know how long her husband has been Ill but my neighbour has been a carer for over 30 years .. lost his 30s 40s 50s and most of his 60s to this disease ..

The kids say NO ! till death do you part ...

I say 'you only have one life and you need to enjoy it ...

What does MN say ? (In case people don't know - MS (multiple sclerosis) it will NEVER get better ...

What a sad situation .

I work in care and it's tough. But I also care for family members which is so much harder. It's all consuming.

All I know is if it were DP and I I'd much rather he have some happiness in his life than be depressed and lonely out of a sense of duty.

Everyone deserves happiness, we get one crack at life and we need to grab it.

My husband had cancer then had a stroke that robbed him of so much including some of his cognition, nursing him was the hardest thing I have ever done. His was a short lived illness and I couldn't comprehend meeting anyone else (and still can't) but I do know that, had it been something that had gone on for years, I may well have felt very differently. The loneliness I felt when he was sick and now he is dead is all encompassing and I can see why people fall in love with someone who is going through, or has been through, similar.

I also know someone in this position. His wife had Alzheimer’s and doesn’t know who he is when he visits but he still goes daily. His OW lost her husband 30 years ago and has been single since then. They deserve happiness

I'd find it very difficult, if I were one of the adult children in this situation, to be happy or welcoming of this new relationship. Personally, I don't think I could bring myself to have a relationship with another man while still married to my husband, even if he were no longer himself. Impossible to say for certain, but that's how I feel now. It feels wrong to me. But ultimately, it's none of your business.

Marriage vows don't stop because someone gets unwell. I can understand the situation, we are all human and frail, but that doesn't make it right.

Are either of their spouses aware of the situation? What do they feel about it?

For ALL the views on this thread I
know that we both value this the most ..

THIIS is the very essence.. till death do we part Or 'till terminal illness do we veer from that path ?

My view is if both the spouses of these
people are no longer able to have a functional relationship, the couple of the spouses who are in the care home should at least have a relationship. Life is too short to not be happy.

The family member who are not happy should put themselves in this couples shoes then see how they feel !!

The neighbour asking for OPs reassurance does involve her?
As a philosophical "where do you stand on this?", I think it's an interesting question - and frankly I'd rather this that someone lazily posting a link to the daily fail (especially where it is just a link and no personal input or thoughts from the poster) and hoping that everyone will have a bun fight.

Must be a horrendously difficult situation for your neighbour, particulalry with the attitude of his arsey selfish children - in your position OP I would show some empathy and support.

It’s nobody’s business but theirs.

Do not show them this thread.

If this were my mother, and my neighbour had been posting about it on the internet and then rushed over to tell me that my feelings were invalid because she had shared personal details on an internet forum, I would not be comforted. I would be incensed.

It's only unfaithful if the wife would mind. That is the question he should ask. I would not at all mind of DP had a new relationship in these circumstances. I wouldn't want to limit my partner in that way. Love should be a strength, not a cage.

Jesus Christ I've just read that update - OP for the love of God do not show the kids this thread.

It's about their mum. They really really don't care what MN thinks.

How easy for the children to say marriage is until death.Life is complicated and I've a close relative with MS so know how awful an illness it is.
Presumably they're not doing any harm and are supporting their sick partners. Perhaps their relationship will give them the perspective and strength to mantain this support.

Yes, he is. But apparently dipping your wick is more important than keeping your promises on mn

OP however well intentioned you might be, please please please don't show his kids this thread.

Please. Them being adults makes no difference.

You can show him if he's happy you've made it.

This was not their decision and people's responses shouldn't be their burden or add to their already difficult experience of loyalty to both parents being challenged.

Please tell us you won't show them?

YOLO means you only live once x

So do I. My uncle was nothing but supportive and loving to his wife of nearly 50 years, whom he married after diagnosis. He never so much as complained

The kids need to grow up and let their parents have a little bit of happiness.

I'm just grateful I haven't had to face this yet. Our parents died suddenly. So an easy passing for them.

I have seen adult children turn very nasty when a widowed parent gets a second chance at happiness. It's truly unpleasant

Personally, I'm another one who thinks marriage vows don't cease when someone becomes unwell.
I can't understand why having an OW is seen as "being OK" when one person is in care....surely that's the point where the ill spouse needs support?

I can, however, see that it may seem different when the illness has gone on for years, or if the ill spouse no longer even knows who their partner is. And the caring spouse certainly needs support, and may well find things easier if there's someone who is going through the same situation, and who can therefore understand.

But I think I would feel betrayed if I thought my partner was seeing someone else while I was living my last days in care. And if I were an adult child and this were my parents, I'd be horrified.

If a neighbour had asked me such a question, I would be saying that these were my own views, but I couldn't speak for anyone else as the situation is not only sad but complicated. Neither would I be prepared to somehow 'validate' another's views nor appear to be giving some sort of permission, by saying whether I thought it OK or not.

I think my personal feeling is that I wouldn't judge the 'healthy' spouse in this situation for seeking 'companionship', but I think that as long as there are children (even adult children) of the 'ailing' spouse who object, living together should be off the table. It just feels, I don't know, too 'in their faces' with their mother so terribly ill. I know I wouldn't move someone in in your neighbour's situation.

In actuality, if the neighbour asked me if his companion should move in, I'd keep my mouth shut and not offer an opinion. I'd just tell him that it is a decision he must make on his own without the opinions of others clouding his own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we just have to stand on our own two feet.

Tricky situation. Sometimes you have to find happiness where you can, life is short.

Some people don't understand how having a life limiting disease can change someone. My exh was diagnosed with MS when we had only been married less than 18 months, I was also pregnant with ds. His diagnosis completely changed our future, I had been planning on not going back to work after having ds, exh had to stop work as the job he did he could have killed someone if he had a spasm, overnight I became a carer which at 37 wasn't something I had been planning in the near future. Our lives became a long list of appointments, we couldn't plan anything as we didn't know when he was going to have a relapse. For the first time we were having to rely on state benefits, we had no security. Exh had gone from being fit & doing a hard manual job to being unable to dress himself or walk, he had emotional meltdowns, one day he was trying to put something on a shelf in our utility room, his brain wouldn't tell him to put it on the top shelf which was empty, he threw everything off the shelf out of the door & collapsed on the floor crying. I was having to cope with a new baby, pnd & a 42 year old toddler, right down to him wetting himself & being unable to get to the toilet. It took him having a massive relapse & being admitted to hospital for me to admit to myself I couldn't cope & I left him 6 weeks after he was discharged.