Neighbour has an OW

[tryingtohelpbutprobabyfailing]

My lovely 67 year old neighbour has a wife and 2 children.

At 42 she was diagnosed with severe MS . Had been diagnosed with MS in her 30s..

At age 55 her husband could no longer cope as her problem is with swallowing. She went into a specialist nursing home. He visits everyday without fail. No holiday for ten years as cannot not visit..

Two years ago he met a woman at the home whose husband was in a similar situation. Long story short they have now formed a relationship. Things have now moved in to such a degree that they want to live together.

Kids know if the relationship and are civil, polite but not exactly welcoming . (Kids from both sides - she also has 2) they are all in their 20/30s ..

All are against it - despite both spouses now having very much reduced cognitive function..

I don't know how long her husband has been Ill but my neighbour has been a carer for over 30 years .. lost his 30s 40s 50s and most of his 60s to this disease ..

The kids say NO ! till death do you part ...

I say 'you only have one life and you need to enjoy it ...

What does MN say ? (In case people don't know - MS (multiple sclerosis) it will NEVER get better ...

I think this is post is inappropriate because it’s very identifiable and you’re posting about someone else’s private life not your own.

I would not judge him at all. He deserves to have a companion\girlfriend. I hope his children will come round at some point and realise after decades of caring for his wife he deserves a change, and to just have someone with him at home to chat to, have a cuppa and a meal with and grow old together.

I think your reply to him was spot on.

No .. I really am not.. but this is my neighbour of nearly 49 years .. we are very good friends and he confides in me a lot.. and is now torn between a woman he really loves AND a woman he really loves but barely knows him !

How do you know the exact ages of everyone involved?

Identifiable ?? Where ? Who ? What

I have Nc .. changed pretty much everything... but scenario is absolutely EXACT.. so come on Sherlock .. tell me who we are !

After 49 years living next door ???

Every other post on this site is about a friend, work colleague, family situation why is the Op being pulled up on this ?

I hope no one involved sees this post as its absolutely nothing to do with you.

Perhaps because the subject ticks the 'too difficult box' of extra marital congress .. which is sacrosanct on MN ?

See previous amswer to this comment .

He asked me !!

All I know is that if I imagine me and my husband being in this situation in 20 year' time, I absolutely would want him to find comfort with someone else, and he would deserve to have someone who was capable of loving him back, so I'd absolutely be okay with this.

I worked in a specialist home for people with life limiting illnesses. We have had families visit daily, families not visit at all and like above people moving on with new partners.

we cannot judge anyone in these situations. It is hard for everyone involved and they do the best thing for them given the situation they are in.

in one case the lady had a new partner but she also visited her husband regularly and was always there as soon as he became ill be it a cold or a hospital visit. She loved her DH but he was no longer the man she married. She still cared about him but also has a life outside visiting the home and everyone deserves to be happy.

I'd say their kids are not thinking clearly. I don't agree at all with cheating, but this isn't really cheating. Their partners are basically gone, not dead, but they are not partners anymore sadly. They have given up most of their lives to caring, and they can't even do that anymore for the person they love. That's a hard thing to go through, and to have someone else who understands that will be comforting.

Thank you so much for this . It is lovely to hear from someone with real life experience of such a difficult situation.. I really appreciate your post and am going to go next door right now and shoe him what you have said .. thank you. Thank you !

Absolutely my opinion .. I will show him this too!

He really has an Jan e of a life now in my opinion .. I really want him to grab it with both hands... as a longtime neighbour I really know what he has been through .. 3O years ago I was sitting with his wife reading her books and belong her to the loo.. he has been absolutely stoic !! and that is perhaps why I feel so strongly that now he needs to grab life by both hands without guilt !

I know his kids really well- I am 'auntie' (I don't know hers at all)

I am also going to show them the thread ..

Never judge. As a child with a parent with MS who went into a home, and the the other parent formed a relationship with someone else, I struggled for a long time.
however, as long as my parent in the home had my other parent visit, who was I to deny my other parent’s happiness ?

my parent in the home was never aware of this relationship. Very difficult for everyone and my sibling was not so forgiving.

YOLO
You only live once.

I wonder if the couple's kids might be, partly if not wholly, worried about a threat to a so-far presumed inheritance, i.e. that their attitude might really be 'until death do us pay'. An aunt of mine passed away and her husband, five years later, met another woman, and wanted to marry her. He had 3 kids in their 30s and 40s. 'No!' they said, 'She wants to get her hooks into him'. They said she had her eye on his house, that was 'theirs' they felt. Not only that, one of her kids told me, was that she was a Catholic! Not that any of them went to church, or believed in anything so far as I could see. I was disgusted and said so, and that my uncle was entitled to be happy, and they seemed to have cash registers where their hearts ought to be. They haven't spoken to me since (this was 1985).

That was a very lovely post . Thank you so much ! I will add it to the list that I am going to show him (as irony would have it .. he is currently with his wife in the home) .. so will not be able to show him this till 8:30 pm as he is with her from 4 pm (so not a cursory visit ) !

Those poor people - all of them! Tragic for the kids, and understandably they are upset. They don't want to admit how much their mother is lost already. But for the husband, he deserves to be supported and have something positive in his life. He is not doing anything wrong.

A good way to work through questions like this OP is to put yourself in all the different positions, one by one.

The wife is very ill. She's losing her life, now she's losing the undivided commitment of her husband - and when you're in a home, you do want someone to keep an eye on you and fight for your welfare.

The kids have mostly lost their mother, now they face losing their childhood home, either because Dad sells it to buy a new place with his GF, or because GF moves in and puts her own stamp on what is now her new home. Their Dad will have a new wife, and hopefully be happy with her too, but they will never have another mother. Their loss is irreplaceable.

They have also lost their Dad as someone who was devoted to their Mum. She may be "not there" but she is not dead yet. They have to face the hurtful truth that all love has limits - and will be asking themselves if their Dad is so keen to move on with his life that they too will be left behind... Something that is sadly not unheard of, men being fatherly to whoever their current partner is mother to, and abandoning the now motherless kids from an earlier relationship.
Before, he loved their Mum, and she loved them - now he loves his GF and she's not going to be putting them first!

And yes, they may be worried that Dad will remarry, die, and all their Mum and Dad's stuff - including sentimental items - gets inherited by wife #2 BECAUSE THAT HAPPENS TOO.

Your neighbour has had his wife gradually dragged away from him into a living death, and has been brutally confronted with the fact that life is short and randomly unjust. His GF, the same.

He should talk to his kids. Really listen to them, and more than that, think about what they might be feeling but can't even bring themselves to say. If they believe their Dad truly understands how they feel, they are more likely to return the favour and hear him out.

Don't rush. Talk. Listen.

I hope it helps him.

I feel in these situations everyone is grieving the person they love. The children may need to be told he still loves their mum and he will do anything he can for her (after reading your post on him visiting). He also loves his partner and enjoying a new chapter to his story

It's odd indeed that your neighbour would ask your opinion of him and his behaviour/his relationship and even odder that you need validation of your thoughts.

I find it distasteful; you presumably know these people fairly well so your thoughts should be settled (and in your OP, they are), but all of a sudden you need to check on Mumsnet?

If you're not in the position of any of the people involved then you can't know or judge and it absolutely isn't your business.

I have MS.