To turn the wifi off at midnight?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I’ve got 3 dds aged 21, 19 and 15. When older two were younger teens they were pretty sensible about phones and wifi use. We had some loose rules about leaving phones downstairs which we gradually relaxed as they got older.

However dd3 is a different kettle of fish and technology has moved on in only a few years. Dd3 is autistic and has had some problems lately with sleep hygiene and poor school attendance. Up till last autumn her devices switched off at 11pm but she persuaded me to lift the restrictions completely which I did as a trial. Since then her sleep and routine has gone to pot.

We’ve taken professional advice and think it’s best to re-introduce night time restrictions. Decided on 11.30pm on school nights (too late I know but there had to be some compromise) and midnight weekends and holidays. This will be for the whole house but can’t decide if it’s unfair for the older two who are home during the holidays. Older two have a lot of data so can use that after midnight if needed.

AIBU?

It has got a bit that way @Heroicallyl0st I know it’s my fault and we’re trying to get things back on track. If it wasn’t for her autism I would feel much more confident but you read so much about having to parent autistic kids differently, that boundaries are not appropriate for them and that poor bedtime routines are ‘normal’ for them. But my instincts tell me she does need clear boundaries and her mental health is worse without them.

She needs to hand it over at 10pm every night. For every night she kicks off, it stays with you for 24 hours. She doesn't need a phone.

If the 21 year old is unhappy about it she can move out.

This is a twatish attitude. Maybe the OP doesn't want her 21 year old to move out just yet. And telling adult children they have to suck it up or leave, will just result in a ruined relationship that was previously harmonious. There's no need to be hostile to adult children who aren't causing any issues.

People are mad.

If your adult children don’t like the restrictions they need to move out and get on with their own lives.

Your DD3 is 15 and ought to be asleep well before 11.30pm on a school night. Just tell her no phones after 9pm, lock it in a cupboard and listen to her scream. That’s the rule, you’re the parent. What’s the problem? If parenting is so “difficult” for you, then it’s your issue to sort yourself out so you can sort her out.

Yes. Kick off and get time reduced even further. Makes so much sense!

"But my instincts tell me she does need clear boundaries and her mental health is worse without them"
You've answered you own question there, yes she may need parented slightly different but she still needs parented and that includes rules that she may not be happy with.

My own ds has asd. I tell him the rules. He does have meltdowns over them at time.

You are not sleeping as parents we have decided your phone will be handed over at 10pm, .. whatever..

I don't negotiate.. if she mentions sisters.. tell her the rules are set for your benefit . Sisters didnt need them.. you do...

Her older siblings are adults.. they are been punished for siblings ability to self regulate.

She also uses the going to kill herself as manipulation

I really appreciate your honesty and I’m actually very upset with myself for letting things get so out of hand.

If only there was a magic formula for parenting every child. Don't beat yourself up about it. You're doing the best you can.

If the other 2 are sensible, you take your youngest child’s phone away. You did a trial and it hasn’t worked. She can have it back when she can be responsible. Bit unfair to make the other 2 use their data that they may need in an emergency just because one can’t follow the rules.

You are right

Fair enough!

That's not being hostile. But when you are an adult child living with your parents you can't dictate the house rules.

Presumably the adults oay for their own phones so taking them away / restricting the usage simply isn't possible.

@ImAvingOops I agree with you. I have a great relationship with both my older dds and wouldn’t just lay down the law. It’s their home for however long they want it and I want them to be comfortable and happy.

Great username btw, do I detect a fellow Victoria Wood fan?

Hi OP, my username came from Life On Mars and the lovely Gene Hunt.

This is such a difficult one, she’s so young and still developing all of those coping skills. I have a neurodiverse child myself, I’ve found being very clear with boundaries and consistent has been the only way forward. We’ve used the countdown method for removing devices/internet access to be the best way. So often for my dc they get fixated on their device, and the change to not having it can become very distressing. So when we give it to them we ensure we tell them it’s going away at x time and then countdown to taking it away. It helps them regulate their upcoming change. Perhaps your young lady suffers that same distressing feeling and needs a bit of help regulating that emotion? Its been described to me as like losing the ability to walk, the level of devastation from having their fixation removed before they are properly prepared. Sending hugs as parenting is such a minefield! Your family are obviously so important to you, keep loving them and doing your best!

Would be? Where is the choice?

I agree with this.

I can't believe I'm reading this. You know she's ASD and needs clear boundaries. And yet you are pandering to her. And now you get threats of killing herself, which is an extreme threat and worrying, that she jumping to that level of extremeness, so quickly. I feel like having a strong word with you, you need to wake up and smell the coffee!

"parent autistic kids differently, that boundaries are not appropriate for them and that poor bedtime routines are ‘normal’ for them. "

Nope. Disagree. For most SN, extra specific definitions, even more clear boundaries, are required.

So do I. If she won’t give it to you then take it from her! She’ll learn.

If you can’t set your router to turn off only her devices then buy one that does. DD also 15 has made a few comments about the WIFI turning off for her devices at 10:30 on a school night but that’s not my problem. There is no way I would deprive the whole house of WIFI.

It was a trial and it failed because she didn’t hold up her end of the bargain. This is a consequence of her behaviour, not yours. Don’t take her phone off her, that’s a battle that could escalate very quickly.

This is a very good teaching moment opportunity, In the future you might have to really spell out consequences of her failing to hold up her end of agreements.

DD and I had a WFH contract during lockdown that was signed by us and stuck to her door. That way when she was starting English in her PJ’s she did so knowing that this was going against an agreement and the consequences were in black and white.

I have three DC, youngest is also autistic. I have a number of friends and colleagues (who have adult autistic children) who have advised me that boundaries are exactly what an autistic child needs. And if I am honest, with my DS they are right. When I am too lenient he acts out more. I feel horrible sometimes, but consistency is key with autism, I've found.

If DS has his device too much, his behaviour deteriorates. So we have to limit the time he has it.

With regards to the WiFi, you can turn off access directly on the modem each night without having to buy any apps etc. If you google your router and how to switch off devices you should be able to find a step by step guide.