To turn the wifi off at midnight?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I’ve got 3 dds aged 21, 19 and 15. When older two were younger teens they were pretty sensible about phones and wifi use. We had some loose rules about leaving phones downstairs which we gradually relaxed as they got older.

However dd3 is a different kettle of fish and technology has moved on in only a few years. Dd3 is autistic and has had some problems lately with sleep hygiene and poor school attendance. Up till last autumn her devices switched off at 11pm but she persuaded me to lift the restrictions completely which I did as a trial. Since then her sleep and routine has gone to pot.

We’ve taken professional advice and think it’s best to re-introduce night time restrictions. Decided on 11.30pm on school nights (too late I know but there had to be some compromise) and midnight weekends and holidays. This will be for the whole house but can’t decide if it’s unfair for the older two who are home during the holidays. Older two have a lot of data so can use that after midnight if needed.

AIBU?

I'd ask the older two for their advice on what you should do. They'll support your point of view I'm sure and if you bring them into making the decision they won't need to fight against it.

If the 21 year old is unhappy about it she can move out.

I know, I know. We’ve made a rod for our backs and now trying to get back some control. Older two were very easy looking back, now I know what parenting teens is really about!

It's fine for the 15yo but it's totally unreasonable to be that controlling over the older two.

She's "campaigning for no restrictions" on what basis? She's just proved she NEEDS externally-imposed restrictions, for now. You agreed to a trial period where restrictions for DD3 specifically were loosened and it was a disaster. What did you tell her would happen if the trial was unsuccessful? Normally, you'd then go back to whatever was in place before the trial period started. You can do another trial period later on - perhaps during the holidays - when she is able to understand what went wrong and has a clear plan to make sure these things won't happen again.

I'm all for treating members of the household equally when there's no good reason to make a distinction, but your 15yo IS being singled out in this specific instance for various good reasons: (1) she is the only one in the household under 18, (2) she is the only one still in secondary school, (3) she is the only one with a problem regulating her internet use and possibly (4) she has special needs. Make a plan that addresses her needs specifically - including the exact timing, how it varies for days she's off school.etc. It's best for her, causes the least disruption in the household, and lets her have the agency to make changes when she's demonstrated that she's able to handle things better. Of course she's going to tell you things "aren't fair", that's her job as a 15yo. It's your job to get her ready for adulthood, and pretending the things you're doing to help her with her problem are general and for everyone's good is unnecessarily and arguably harmfully babying her.

I think having the Wi-Fi cut off at 12 for the whole family is a good idea but that the 15 should have hers off earlier. I wouldn't take her phone off her each evening as that involves too much interaction. Much better for it to be done automatically.

Doesn't sound very convincing to me!

Won't they just use 4G ?

Excellent post @ProfessorFusspot thank you. I think the mistake we made when we lifted the restrictions back in the autumn was not making it clear how long the trial would be and what we would do if it didn’t work. Now we know that she needs very clear and precise information and needs time to process it. Me and Dh now leave no stone unturned, if we introduce a new boundary it’s like a legal document so we are 100% clear what’s happening and when before we tell her.

Its just her language that’s upsetting, saying she’ll kill herself etc. We’re pretty sure there is no intent, just emotional language but it’s very hard.

Won't she just use her data?

@newbiename she only has a small amount of data and will want to save it for after school etc.

I can switch her data off too if necessary.

Why does she have her phone overnight!?!

"Its just her language that’s upsetting, saying she’ll kill herself etc. We’re pretty sure there is no intent, just emotional language but it’s very hard."

Ah, she's pulling out " the big guns " in an attempt to coerce you into complying with her wishes.

Do you back down, (and "lose") or do you call her bluff, and keep calm and state what the rules will be.

If she 'wins' this round, she'll be able to do it again.

Discuss with your older children, they will probably have useful insight and ideas.

It's fine to turn the wifi off at night just like you might turn the heating down or off at night.

I've been this older sibling and it sucked and caused so many arguments. Do not penalise them for younger DD. Just take her phone

We have discussed briefly with the older two, they wouldn’t be keen but can see why we would do it and they have a plenty of data. Should add that the 19 year old also has poor sleep hygiene (she has dyspraxia so also neruodiverse).

They're not being penalised. The are old enough to pay for their own data or move out.

Nobody needs 24hour access to the internet.

If she is saying she will kill herself etc then she needs help to learn how to constructively articulate her feelings and communicate.

I do.

My job is in IT and I can be on call from home late.

Should add that the 19 year old also has poor sleep hygiene (she has dyspraxia so also neruodiverse).

Ask the 19 year old if they want their devices blocked as well overnight.

Then the 15 year old child can't complain.

We set limits on the phones themselves

When she argues the other two had different rules explain it's because they were better at self-regulation. You didn't need stricter rules for them. If she has Spotify she can download music or podcasts to listen to outside of Wi-Fi hours, audible downloads are also accessible which I think is a fair compromise.

She’s manipulating/blackmailing you with the suicide threats by the sounds of it. It would probably help to pay attention to your own feelings - it’s your own discomfort and fear that you need to practice tolerating so that you can successfully stick to the boundaries you set for her. Is she hiding behind her diagnosis to twist your arm? You sound frightened of her.

There’s nothing wrong with singling her out. She is a lot younger and is still at school (which she is not attending enough).

11:30 is far too late for a school night. She must be really struggling to concentrate at school.