Life with a newborn and partner, I need help!

[Newmum199207]

Long story short, my partner and I are first time parents to my gorgeous son who is now a month old. Past couple of weeks things have been getting extremely tense between my partner and I with sleep schedules and having a bit of time to ourselves. I currently look after him all day during the week (apart from when he gets home which he is supposed to give me a few hours to myself, this doesn't always happen.) and I take him all night during the week. We then are "supposed" to share responsibility on the weekend during the day and he takes him at night.

Well this is no longer the case, he is making me feel like a really shit person for wanting to have a few hours in the evening to myself and for wanting to have at least one night where I can sleep with out being disturbed. Today (Saturday) I went out for 6 hours which he knew I had planned for a week to just have a bit of time to myself and actually get out the damn house. He practically bit my head off when I get back (I was 6 hours) and said I had been too long and that it was selfish as I knew he had a bad night with our son last night, moaning he only had 5 hours sleep. I really felt like snapping back and saying welcome to my world! It's not fucking easy! He also knows that I am looking after our son in the evening and all night that night to so am I really being unreasonable for having one Saturday afternoon to myself???

I even agreed with him yesterday I will no longer have the weekends nights to myself and we can each have 1 night where we get to sleep with out looking after him, (Friday night is mine, Saturday night is his) like I don't know how else I can make it fair seeing as I have him pretty much 24/7 in the week?

He doesn't understand that I too need a break from him, he seems to think because he is out at work earning (which don't get me wrong, I really appreciate it) that looking after our son isn't hard. Am I being a dick here? Am I really being that unreasonable? I just want us to stop fighting over this. I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells and it's so out of character for him. I totally get being a new parent is hard, but there has to be a way around this.

It sounds like there is a lot more here than just your division of labour. I didn't get that much time off for probably the whole of the first year. Part of me thinks I should have had more time off but part of me didn't want to be separated from DD for that long. 6 hours is a long time!

Are you having difficulty bonding with LO? Not unusual and no shame in it if you are.

It sounds like you need more support with your anxiety. Probably worth discussing this with your midwife/ health visitor/ GP as you will get priority access to services.

We did exactly this in the early days too

I really do feel for you OP and I think there is a case of both you and your partners feelings being valid here.
It's hard work being in with a newborn yourself. It can also be hard work for your partner being at work all day then coming home to do the childcare. He also needs a break and time to himself

Do you have any family or friends around that can also help? This massively helps me and my partner
We are also very understanding of the fact that being a parent doesn't define us and encourage each other to have our hobbies so we do have nights in the week where we have things on. Tuesdays and Thursdays I go training. This means on a Monday and Wednesday I try do as much with dd in the evening to allow my partner some wind down time
I'm aware when I go back to work it will slightly change

You need to set expectations with your partner and boundaries that you are both agreeable to

At one month old, a reasonable evening schedule is for you to have a break of about 45 min (enough for a shower and a few minutes downtime) when the working partner gets home from work, and then him to have a break of about the same duration. One of you can cook dinner while the other one minds the baby (it's unlikely you'll get dinner cooked before he gets home as you'll be caring for the baby). Then each of you holds the baby while the other person eats dinner (take turns eating dinner). Then one can tidy the kitchen while the other one bathes or reads to the baby (even one month old babies like to have books read to them).

It's reasonable to ask him to do overnights on the weekend but not ALSO for you to go out all day after he has done an overnight (same for him: he should not be out all day on the weekend after you have had broken sleep all week). You want to break things up into small chunks if possible: you have 2 hours out then he has 2 hours out. etc. Holding the baby counts as a chore just as cleaning the bathroom or making dinner counts as a chore. So if one is holding the baby and the other is making dinner then you are both working. So your next round needs to be taking turns with downtime. Unfairness is when he cleans the kitchen for an hour while you hold the baby for an hour and then he tells you he's taking a break to go play footie because you had "your break" while you held the baby. "Breaks" during the day in which the baby naps do not count as downtime because you should be napping when the baby is napping (to catch up on sleep loss from being up at night with the baby). A break is an actual break, where you can leave the house for a walk or surf the internet or something.

around 3 months old, things will likely start to settle down and by 6 months things should be a bit easier. It depends on the baby. The first 3 months are hard.

If the OP doesn't stop the self pitying whining of her DP now, she won't find things getting easier for her. He'll get away with his game of 'my work is more important than your recovery from major abdominal surgery' and the OP will end up exhausted and resentful.

This woman is recovering from a CS and needs much more than 45 minutes daily to rest after a day of physical pain associated with feeding and holding the baby.

At four weeks post CS the OP should not be lifting anything heavier than the baby - no carseat, no steering a buggy or a supermarket trolley. No driving. Going out for a walk is an exhausting business with a baby when you have post partum baby brain and your body is still recovering from major surgery.

OP, have you put a blanket down in the pram first? I found baby used to jingle around in there until I got a decent blanket in there, kept her firmly in place 😁 I was the same, super worried about taking her out however I made the plunge and just took her to walk around Tesco’s for half hour which made me feel 100x better. First few months are hard with new babies, you’ll get through it just fine. 💐

At four weeks post CS the OP should not be lifting anything heavier than the baby - no carseat, no steering a buggy or a supermarket trolley. No driving. Going out for a walk is an exhausting business with a baby when you have post partum baby brain and your body is still recovering from major surgery.

Well let's not exaggerate. Yes, you have to take it easy lifting weight after abdominal surgery. But barring severe complications, you certainly can push a pram, go shopping, use a supermarket trolley and drive.

People promoting the idea that a mum taking her baby for a little walk in the pram is "an exhausting business" is part of what has gotten OP in to this situation. It isn't a impossible thing to do, it's a totally normal thing to do and part of normal life.

OP of course you are struggling if you don't leave the house, I feel claustrophobic just thinking about that. This is a far bigger issue than who gets time off when and you will feel so much better when you start going out.

@RaisinGhost Yes, quite. I am three weeks post section and have been back driving since around 10 days and I can certainly push a buggy and go for a walk. I also have a 3yo so we definitely can't just stay home for six weeks (nor would I want us to as I'd go stir crazy!). We are out every day pretty much at classes, the park, the shops. We were at the theatre yesterday to see Peppa Pig

Personally I think getting out of the house with baby is a must for mental health in those early weeks.

But barring severe complications, you certainly can push a pram, go shopping, use a supermarket trolley and drive.

Not so fast there.
The OP is still experiencing pain.

NHS guidelines state:
But you may not be able to do some activities straight away, such as:
driving
exercising
carrying anything heavier than your baby
having sex

Only start to do these things again when you feel able to do so and do not find them uncomfortable. This may not be for 6 weeks or so.

Ask your midwife for advice if you're unsure when it's safe to start returning to your normal activities.

You can also ask a GP at your 6-week postnatal check.

Blithe assurance that pushing a trolley around a supermarket won't be too much is irresponsible.

It's also a very distasteful thing to present your own experience as something another woman should strive to live up to. Recovery from a CS isn't a competitive sport.

It is safe for the baby to go out before his vaccines.

It is the lack of sleep that gets me. I feel envious that my husband gets to sleep for 7 hours uninterrupted while I have a maximum of 2 or 3 inbetween feeds.
I don't think you're unreasonable to be envious and I don't think him being at work compares to the full on, non stop needs of a newborn.
He should absolutely be supporting you so you can have time to yourself.
If you feel you need 6 hours to yourself then he should be supporting you with that.
Hope you are okay x

You CANNOT stay indoors all the time with a baby due to fear of germs. This is where you're going wrong and why you feel so trapped. You need to take that baby out and enjoy fresh air. The baby needs a change of scene - honestly, it's not healthy at all to keep a baby indoors all the time. The baby will learn and grow and develop so much more being stimulated and seeing new sounds, smells and environments. You need to face your fear of germs and start going out. Maybe your partner could support you with that? Did you make him stay home for 6 hours with the baby too? Does he want to take the baby out?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable to expect him to come home from work and take over for a few hours in the evening (which would be all evening for me!) whilst you put your feet up. He has been working too, you need to share evening and weekends, not him do it all because you have been looking after a baby during the day.

And of course you are not going to get time to yourselves, there are three of you now. 🙄

I don't personally think 6hrs away from baby is a problem, but that's just because it's just one tiny baby - at worst when one of you is away, your have a 1:1 ratio.

I think how formal the divide of labour seems to be, is quite odd - we mostly had family time and one of us would pop out occasionally, or go for a bath or something. It wasnt regimented. The idea is 2-3 hours to yourself every evening is a bit nuts though.

Seriously, please go out and do stuff. I also had sections. I also had two babies born in very hot summers. I'm not sure I started in the house for a single day after either were born. Even if it's just a stroll with your pram, or sling, it'll be good for both of you. Turtles certainly nothing wrong with pushing a pram around at 1m after section (lots of women do this leaving the hospital). If you are still in a lot of pain, then you need to raise this with your GP.

When I read your post I thought there was something odd, and at first I couldn't pinpoint it. Then I realised - you guys don't seem to be making baby part of you lives, but treat looking after them as a standalone task.

Hence, very little family time.
One of you looking after baby whilst one relaxes
Not going out with baby.

The more usual way would, for example, to go out together, maybe one of you pop off somewhere for an hour or two, then meet for lunch. Or in the evenings, slip off for a bath, and then watch a film whilst the babies is in a Moses basket. Maybe you disappearing off to sleep sometimes, but a lot of your tine together, would be just having the baby together, as another member of your family.

I mean, that's not what I said, but okay 😂you take it that way if it makes you feel better.

If you’re going out and about for 6 hours (where?) and your dh is going to work you’re being ridiculous about not taking the baby out due to covid etc- either of you could literally bring it home to the baby so there’s no point whatsoever being so precious about it all.

I think expecting a few hours to yourself every evening when your dh comes in is too much. You’ve both been working all day - him at work, you with the baby, when he comes home you should both just share the baby duties between you - otherwise when does your dh get a break after work? Where’s his few hours off?

I think you’re expecting a bit much really. It will get easier as the baby gets older and I think for now you just need to get out and about more and try and muddle through.

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable. DS is seven weeks old and breastfed. We're lucky that so far he's been a reasonably good sleeper, but we split as follows:

DS tends to fall asleep at around 8/8.30pm; we keep him with us in the sitting room whilst we watch TV together. I got to bed at 10pm and leave DH 'on duty'. DH goes to bed in the spare room with the baby, and gives him a bottle of expressed milk when he wakes around 1am. DS then wakes again around 4am, and I go and get him, feed him and keep him in the room with me until 7am when he wakes up again and the day begins.

In the next couple of weeks we're going to try to transition back to all of us sleeping in the same room, but for the moment this is working well; DH and I both get a good stretch of uninterrupted sleep and some time together.

You do seem a bit over anxious about going out and worrying about germs and stuff. I remember I couldn't walk far post section but I did try and get out for a walk and gradually built up. You don't have to be taking him where lots of people are shops etc but a little stroll would help you I think and would break up the day.
You do need to get used to the fact you just won't have time to yourself any more. I thought I was prepared for that but it still came hard to me that I couldn't just go and read my book in the garden. I had envisaged baby sleeping soundly in the cot while I went about my day but this wasn't the case at all, she was very demanding and naps tended to be short with no kind of routine. It does take time to adjust to the new way of life and you will get there, just be kind to yourself and keep expectations low. The worst thing I did was comparing myself to what other people were doing as that just adds pressure.

Hi OP.

fellow first time mum over here who really struggled with the early months. I really wasn’t prepared for how little time I would have for myself and to spend with my partner. Mainly coz Iv not been around babies and thought (from TV/films) you just put them down and they go to sleep for hours at a time. Deffo not the case for us! Even as a newborn she was very demanding and add into the mix breastfeeding/bottle refusing, it felt like hell on earth to me, especially when partner went back to work and obviously needed a bit of time in the evening to unwind, as did I. Have you spoken to your HV/GP as you could be having some PND/PNA which you could get support with? As I could have written similar when my girl was a tiny blob! I was morning my old care free life, struggling to bond with baby even though I loved her to pieces, feeling partner wasn’t doing enough to support me in the evenings (even though looking back we was! We where both just tired).
I hate to say but it doesn’t get easier with some babies. Some babies are just demanding and don’t sleep well. My LO is 11 months now and she still wake frequently in the night and I have done all night wakes and iv been back at work since 9 months. I can just settle her quickly but partner is starting to try soon as I go back on night shift rotation soon so won’t be there to settle her. She wants all my attention all the time when awake and if I’m around Daddy just won’t do. It has to be me. When I’m not there she is fine for daddy. It doesn’t get easier. You just start to adapt, get used to it and start to enjoy your new life. You find a routine between yourselves and eventually do find small pockets of time for yourself. You both have to just go with the flow and lower expectations for personal time for a few months.

i have to agree that 2/3 hours to yourself every night is a bit unrealistic. I know you said to catch up on cleaning/housework but that is not time to yourself! That should be shared. Have you thought of baby wearing during the day so get simple jobs done? The sling was a god send for me during the day and i wish I had just put her in there more instead of being obsessed with putting her down to sleep. We would have both gotten more rest!! But the odd day away from baby if they take a bottle shouldn’t be an issue. I personally think a month is too soon to leave a baby for a long time, but that’s just me. No one else has a say in how you chose to parent as long as baby is safe!

staying indoors with baby as you are afraid of germs may back fire eventually, as it did for me. I went to a funeral of a close friend and brought covid back to baby so if you are going out shopping it can’t be avoided. And once she started nursery she was super sick and lost loads of weight and I don’t think I helped keeping her wrapped In Cotton wool so to speak for most of her early months. Get out and enjoy the day. Now my Mat leave is over I wish I would have taken for time to just walk with her, sit at the park, go to a cafe, eat the cake. Try to enjoy your time x

Blithe assurance that pushing a trolley around a supermarket won't be too much is irresponsible.

It's also a very distasteful thing to present your own experience as something another woman should strive to live up to. Recovery from a CS isn't a competitive sport.

OP said that the thing stopping her from going out is not pain but anxiety and fear of germs.

Also moving around after surgery, at your own pace of course, is part of your recovery. Sitting at home for weeks on end is a recipe for a blood clot.

It's not good for recovery from a section to be pretty much immobile all day, every day - taking him out in the pram is far healthier (and has the benefit of a convenient thing to lean on). And, as you are already experiencing, the stress of being trapped indoors all the time without fresh air, daylight and movement means you end up wanting to run away/not have to look after him, creating a negative spiral where you feel anxious - don't go out - feel anxious because you haven't gone out - want to go out but don't - feel more anxious...etc.

You need to leave the house with the baby. They shouldn't be cloistered until after vaccinations (especially as once you've been hiding him for three months, it'll then be 'after the next set' and then 'after the next set' and then 'it's winter, I'll do it in the Spring', etc. Your own logic that he's at risk from Covid from randoms who won't be taking him out of his pram, compared to you going out for six hours amongst the same people and then being with him shows how illogical that is.

You will feel better emotionally and physically if you start taking him out every morning (when it's cool) for a ten minute gentle walk. And then you'll be feeling less trapped, which means you'll be more able to manage caring for him without wanting to escape - and if you're already doing a walk, it's easier to suggest that your DP takes him out for an evening walk whilst you get a shower/rest/some food on as it becomes part of the routine; I don't suppose you were encouraging his Dad to take him out - more likely he felt trapped because he knows you won't allow the baby to leave the house for 12 weeks.

When it comes to feeding, put a pillow over your lap - that protects your scar from baby kicks - or there's a breastfeeding hold nicknamed American Footballer which also works for bottle feeding, as it takes the weight of the baby (and those spiky little feet) well away from the incision site. As the healing continues (which is quicker when you do light activity than when you sit there like a prisoner all day), you get more confident about holding the baby and eventually, you don't need the pillow anymore.

But most of all - take the baby outside. He needs it and more importantly, YOU need it.

This.

Unless you have serious complications following a c section you need to be moving about - it’s actually an important part of the recovery and it’s why they get you up and walking asap afterwards whilst in hospital. Of course you should be careful and not overdo it (I had a c section which had huge complications- 2.5 litre blood loss due to undiagnosed placenta prévia) but it’s important to try and gradually increase the amount you walk / do very slowly each day. It’s normal to be in pain for some weeks afterwards, it is major surgery but even with major surgery keeping mobile it part of the recovery.

Anyway, op is able to go shopping for 6 hours on her own so I doubt she isn’t taking the baby out due to c section issues.

Feel free to rephrase “not a thing”, and “not at four weeks old” if we’ve all misunderstood…?

Gosh the days must feel endless in the house day long.

Can you get your baby really settled and start a daily walk? I really think this will help you.

I loved baby cinema at this stage but I'm guessing this would make you very anxious.

Have you got any mum friends?

Ahhh the days of sitting under a shady, in a park, sometimes with friends, sometimes alone, with baby kicking about on a rug, whilst I ate ice cream. If with a friend, slowly meandering back via lunch or a pub garden.

That's what summer with a newborn can be like. Next year you'll be chasing a crawling/running around child.