Life with a newborn and partner, I need help!

[Newmum199207]

Long story short, my partner and I are first time parents to my gorgeous son who is now a month old. Past couple of weeks things have been getting extremely tense between my partner and I with sleep schedules and having a bit of time to ourselves. I currently look after him all day during the week (apart from when he gets home which he is supposed to give me a few hours to myself, this doesn't always happen.) and I take him all night during the week. We then are "supposed" to share responsibility on the weekend during the day and he takes him at night.

Well this is no longer the case, he is making me feel like a really shit person for wanting to have a few hours in the evening to myself and for wanting to have at least one night where I can sleep with out being disturbed. Today (Saturday) I went out for 6 hours which he knew I had planned for a week to just have a bit of time to myself and actually get out the damn house. He practically bit my head off when I get back (I was 6 hours) and said I had been too long and that it was selfish as I knew he had a bad night with our son last night, moaning he only had 5 hours sleep. I really felt like snapping back and saying welcome to my world! It's not fucking easy! He also knows that I am looking after our son in the evening and all night that night to so am I really being unreasonable for having one Saturday afternoon to myself???

I even agreed with him yesterday I will no longer have the weekends nights to myself and we can each have 1 night where we get to sleep with out looking after him, (Friday night is mine, Saturday night is his) like I don't know how else I can make it fair seeing as I have him pretty much 24/7 in the week?

He doesn't understand that I too need a break from him, he seems to think because he is out at work earning (which don't get me wrong, I really appreciate it) that looking after our son isn't hard. Am I being a dick here? Am I really being that unreasonable? I just want us to stop fighting over this. I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells and it's so out of character for him. I totally get being a new parent is hard, but there has to be a way around this.

Lolz at you saying cluster feeding isn't a thing. Aye, sure 🤣🤣

Get a cleaner in twice a week that gives you back 6 hours, £30 each towards that.

Ask granny to come over at the weekend, go for a walk together, have a nap together, have a coffee.
dont think you can expect much more at this stage, either of you

@Maybee21
Cluster feeding is not a thing and not at 4 weeks old? Right so, whatever you think ! 🤣

You expressed so maybe not a thing for you but I think you'll find it's a "thing" for 99% of breasted infants.

Have a nice evening !

Anyway back to the OP- parenting is hard and your expectations are out, not having clothes that fit is normal at this stage, 6 hours to go shopping is excessive like others have said. Baby now has to take priority, there will be time for shopping on the future

Just for fun, when I went away and left DH with DD, granddad came and helped. A MAN!!! I know, two MEN looking after a child. It beggars belief. And she survived.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to share the load and I envy your ability to have a night off entirely. However I think the expectation of 2-3hours of you time every day plus 6 hour stint when baby is so young is quite a lot.

Going shopping with the baby is one of the daftest ideas I've ever seen here unless heaping stress upon her is considered a good thing.

The OP is right to be concerned about vaccinations and covid.

And it wouldn't be restful time to herself. She would be navigating spaces that are not baby friendly; pushing a buggy through crowds of people isn't fun at all, looking at stuff in the shops with a meeping baby in the buggy is nobody's idea of a nice time..

Well I hope you remembered to handed the medals out at the end 🙄

Cluster feeding just means baby is hungry, give them something to top up if necessary, cluster feeding is not based on evidence. Research it.

I didn't exclusively express, I'm much too lazy for that, I expressed at the beginning and end of my sleep period so partner would have enough to give baby a bottle when I was sleeping.

Bottom line is, you're out of line mentioning feeding method in this post, the reason you mentioned it was to judge/shame OP, that much was painfully clear from how it was worded.
Shame on you.

Hello lovely

I've a 5 month old myself and I'm a FTM. I had an emergency section and it is hard getting around.
First off for this are you drinking plenty of water, taking multi vitamins including iron tablets? I'd alos recommend arnica tablets to help with healing ( not sure if OK to take if breastfeeding you need to check).

I think what you both agreed on is clearly not working so readjust time.

Why not have 1 night a month whee you each get to go out with friends or family for drinks or cinema or bowling and decompress?

I think you are asking for a lot of downtime, yes you don't get a break while your partner as working but don't forget he isn't getting it easy either.

The first few weeks we did split nights so he did the first 5 hours at the night and I did the second 5 hours so that we each got at least 5 hours sleep or there abouts. When my OH went back to work this stopped working as he was exhausted and our baby started only waking once. So I do all the night shifts now apart from 1 night at the weekend where he does it. I also get to lie in during the morning as he doesn't start work until 11am.
We adjust as things change. He has a night out he gets a lie in, I have a night out I get one etc.

Be kind to each other and listen.
Can you nap when you baby naps? And extra 30.mins or hour each time they sleep can help recharge you.
Also the newborn phases is exhausting it will get better I promise.

Gosh let me tell every woman exclusively breastfeeding right now that their newborn is lying in the evenings when they ramp up their frequency of hunger cries…

Thank god for people on the internet who know better than midwives and EBF mothers themselves!

Your baby is a month old and you expect 2-3 hours per night free time plus 6 hour shopping trips? And you’re discussing ‘ways round’ this? I think you need to rethink this, maybe one hour each free time once your partner is home from work, and the rest team work.

This. Your expectations sound very high and i'm surprised by how much you want to be away from your baby.

Evenings are often the hardest part of the day at that age with witching hour. It would be reasonable to expect one hour to recharge but absolutely not 2-3. As people have said - are you spending much time as a family of 3 and doing things together or just constantly passing the baby back and forth and doing your own thing?

Your partner has been at work all day. You will have had some time to yourself while the baby naps. YABVU

YABU, the whole not taking baby out would drive me insane! My baby was born in a heat wave 3 years ago, spent her first few weeks with a nappy on in the house and a cotton dress when we went out. People raise babies in all sorts of weather conditions. Taking baby out may help you feel better.
I think the amount of time your expecting to be away from your child is very high expectations. Especially at only 4 weeks. We used to share the load on an evening and when he was at work I would do the night feeds, if she got up around half 5/6 he done the morning feed and I rested.
Then each one had a lie in on a weekend.

My child is now 3, I work 24 hours over 2 days, meaning I look after her 5 days per week and have done since I went back after maternity leave when she was 1.
When she was smaller and non verbal and napped I felt like I had more alone time.
The toddler, very little-no naps and constant talking/interacting I feel less time to myself.
I do enjoy it and I'm sad that she will be going to nursery in September for 15 hours!

Newborns are relentless! Can you get any help? I relative of friend who can come round and give you a break in the afternoon? It’s soo difficult when it is just the two of you, you are both sleep deprived and it’s all too easy to really begrudge each other any comfort. You need a helping hand.

You need to work together and not keep creating divides.

A 6 hr shopping trip with a one month old seems unusual to me but then it's up to you.

What do you do during the days with your baby? Maybe you're getting stir crazy if you're not getting out much

If they're anything like my baby was at four weeks old, they also cry and cry and cry inconsolably for hours and need constant jiggling/pacing/shifting to try and make it stop even just for a little bit (yay for colic). I really hate when people say that newborns are easy and all they do is sleep and feed, that isn't the case for everyone!

Honestly, and I know its unfair, but you're the babies mum so you inevitably will do most of the caring for baby. Its just how we've evolved over the last 500 million years and it's really important for the baby to form that strong secure attachment with its primary caregiver (have a Google of secure attachment to see what i mean).

i know we're sold this fantasy now that childcare can be split evenly between mums and dads and we should have loads of "me" time but having had 2 babies myself I have to say I think is total bollocks. Particularly if you are breastfeeding. I did all the nights with both of mine as DH is just not able to do it, he just doesn't function that way. He would be falling asleep standing up, The babies wouldn't settle for him and obv with breastfeeding it would involve making bottles etc. So instead he would have them for an hour or two in the morning on a weekend so I could have a short lie in. He also picked up doing most of the housework/cooking etc when home from work while I looked after baby.

My second is 6 months now and I've had one 6 hour stint away from her (went out for a long lunch and afternoon with friends one saturday) and other than that I've only been apart from her the odd hour here and there. It's just how babies are and it doesn't last forever. Forming that strong secure attachment now, IMO, is much better than having loads of time away from her. But ultimately I think you have to be realistic, work out between yourselves what works and play to each of your strengths rather than obsessing over what seems "fair".

Thank you, we are working together but as others have stated it's hard!

No I don't go out with him, I tried it once and had a massive anxiety attack! I'm super scared of strangers coming up to us and potentially giving him germs. It sounds stupid I know but I'm just to paranoid for the public yet, even a walk around the block is to much as he was born very small and I hate how he shakes about in his pram it makes me feel like he's going to hurt himself from all the shaking. I know when he is a bit bigger and has had his first lot of vaccines I will feel much better.

@Eelicks

What a load of shit

I think you need to focus on dealing with your anxiety around taking the baby out @Newmum199207 . Prams are literally designed for small babies, he’s not going to get hurt in there. Do you have anywhere local you can go to just take a walk? We have a duck pond near us and I used to just go walk round there, feed the ducks and sit and eat something when the baby napped. That way we got out and I felt I’d had some time to myself. It’s really important for your mental health to get out and about with baby. With baby in a carrycot people can’t really get close anyway.

Have you not at any point had to pop to the shops or anything with the baby?

Oh I feel for you! It’s really early days and please don’t feel guilty for leaving your son for a few hours, you deserve a break too. We had our first evening out when our son was six weeks old and it was four hours but I can remember feeling amazing and like myself again for a bit - and that’s important. I don’t think you are wrong for wanting that time to yourself in the evenings but at the moment it sounds a little unrealistic if your parter is working full time. However, my son is 10 months and goes to bed around 6-6.30 every night so it will get easier and you will get more time to yourself the older your son gets.

My boy was premature and under 5 pounds when born so I understand the fear of the shaking in the pram! Do you have anywhere nearby that is relatively flat? It really would help your anxiety to get out in the fresh air every day with him if you can.

Some things that helped us. I went to bed at 9ish on weeknights. Dh watched dd and did until 12.30 giving last feed just before then. Usually would be 3am before next feed so meant i generally got 5-6 hours uninterrupted sleep. At weekends we got one lie in each.

You need to come together and try and stop arguing over who has him more time etc. He is both of your baby do it together and be kind and look after each other. You arnt the first couple to have had a newborn it's hard but arguing won't help. In a few months time the baby will sleep for much longer stretches and you will both find you get more sleep. Be careful you still have a relationship when that happens

No I don't go out with him, I tried it once and had a massive anxiety attack! I'm super scared of strangers coming up to us and potentially giving him germs. It sounds stupid I know but I'm just to paranoid for the public yet, even a walk around the block is to much as he was born very small and I hate how he shakes about in his pram it makes me feel like he's going to hurt himself from all the shaking. I know when he is a bit bigger and has had his first lot of vaccines I will feel much better.

This is what you need help with. Your anxiety. You’re struggling so much because you’re not leaving the house. If you’re needing three hours to yourself every evening and a day away on the weekend then you have a really rough time ahead of you.

I think you should definitely be going out with the baby at this point. I think you need to address your anxiety. No baby can be harmed simply by taking them for a walk in their pram. The ‘shaking ‘will not cause any harm. I also think you have a lot of time to yourself to say you have a 1 month
old and if your struggling now it’ll only
become much harder