Life with a newborn and partner, I need help!

[Newmum199207]

Long story short, my partner and I are first time parents to my gorgeous son who is now a month old. Past couple of weeks things have been getting extremely tense between my partner and I with sleep schedules and having a bit of time to ourselves. I currently look after him all day during the week (apart from when he gets home which he is supposed to give me a few hours to myself, this doesn't always happen.) and I take him all night during the week. We then are "supposed" to share responsibility on the weekend during the day and he takes him at night.

Well this is no longer the case, he is making me feel like a really shit person for wanting to have a few hours in the evening to myself and for wanting to have at least one night where I can sleep with out being disturbed. Today (Saturday) I went out for 6 hours which he knew I had planned for a week to just have a bit of time to myself and actually get out the damn house. He practically bit my head off when I get back (I was 6 hours) and said I had been too long and that it was selfish as I knew he had a bad night with our son last night, moaning he only had 5 hours sleep. I really felt like snapping back and saying welcome to my world! It's not fucking easy! He also knows that I am looking after our son in the evening and all night that night to so am I really being unreasonable for having one Saturday afternoon to myself???

I even agreed with him yesterday I will no longer have the weekends nights to myself and we can each have 1 night where we get to sleep with out looking after him, (Friday night is mine, Saturday night is his) like I don't know how else I can make it fair seeing as I have him pretty much 24/7 in the week?

He doesn't understand that I too need a break from him, he seems to think because he is out at work earning (which don't get me wrong, I really appreciate it) that looking after our son isn't hard. Am I being a dick here? Am I really being that unreasonable? I just want us to stop fighting over this. I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells and it's so out of character for him. I totally get being a new parent is hard, but there has to be a way around this.

Congratulations on your baby son OP. Being first time parents is extremely hard and it's important to establish a routine that works for you both without the competition of who has the most sleep, who is the most tired etc. Your partner is at work during the week days so you have your son all day and it's only natural you want a bit of a break in the evening but to want 2/3 hours every evening is a bit unreasonable tbh. I think the weekend split sounds fair though. It's exhausting in the early days and for many years to come!. but it's important to work with each other, not against. It's hard for you at home but equally hard for your partner at work all day and you should be considerate of each others struggles as new parents. It's still early days, your son is only a month old so it's important to keep communicating and, like I said, not turn it into a competition. Wishing you all the very best.

Or dad?

You have a newborn child that you choose to bring into this world, you don't get to have time to yourself other 5 mins in the shower. The pair of you sound like this baby lark has come as a great big shock. Time for you both to grow up and realise your responsibilities.

You couldn't take baby out shopping together?

I think first time parenting is so hard. It is such a shock to the system and whatever people have told you to expect you are in no way prepared. Our first child was quite hard going and we did snipe at each other a fair bit and it did become a competition as to who was getting more sleep etc. You totally have to be a team though. Early days we used to sleep in shifts so at least we knew we had a block of undisturbed sleep. I think I used to sleep 8pm-1am and then took over from other half (he had work next day). Like I say child 1 was quite a tricky customer so I found it impossible to sleep if I had to be on the alert for her waking.
2nd child has been a breeze in comparison. I was geared up for the worst but I think because you are used to putting your child first it does come easier. Also I was much more relaxed and she was a much easier baby possibly due to this possibly not.
Main thing to remember is everything is a phase. Even though the newborn phase may seem hell on earth at the time it really is a short snapshot in your life. My advice would be keep communication lines open, admit it and be open if you are struggling and try to understand how each other is feeling. And enjoy the baby snuggles as much as you can as when that stage has passed you will miss them.

I loved the way my ex seemed to think it's piss easy looking after babies and being a SAHP, yet spent so much time actively avoiding any parenting.

You seem to be expecting a lot of time to yourself! It’s all hands on deck at the age! Sorry OP YABU.

He's not had any vaccines yet and with Covid rates going up like they are I really don't want him in public places yet, plus with this heat that's the last thing I want to do is take a newborn out in this.

Also, why didn’t the baby go along clothes shopping with you? Isn’t parading your newborn around different places all part of the fun?

Sorry, you just answered my question.

Why would the op take the baby shopping?!

Can think of nothing worse than shopping with a baby

2-3 hours a day of free time is unreasonable but your partner is contradicting himself. Looking after the baby is easy but he was furious that he had to do it on his own ? It's either an easy task or a difficult one (I'm a mum of 3 so know which one it is )

Ex and I did the one lie in every weekend thing and it worked well- especially as he often took them out.

Both of you need to support each other. It's really hard for both of you right now and you both need to try and be understanding of each other.

2/3 hours is a crazy amount of time to Exocet per day when you have a new baby. I think time to eat and get a shower but that's a bit it. Your partner has been at work too. One night each at the weekend is fair and a couple of hours to see a friend or go to a walk. 6 hours is fine if your husband gets that too, work not counted. Could you have half an hour in the morning before he goes to work to shower and get ready and then you both have an hour in the evening? I think you should get out with your baby too.......everything seems easier when you get outside

Me and my partner started off exactly like this
3 years later and it don’t get earlier if owt harder, my partner wanted our baby so much we had ivf and said he would do all these wonderful things now he works all day and says he too tired for the parent shit :( so I have my daughter 247 and as she’s a wild 3 year old I don’t even have time to eat or use the loo :( it’s very hard

I wouldn't have taken the baby and partner shopping. Firstly, it's much quicker if it's just me - no waiting for lifts or having to worry about the others being annoyed if you decide to return to a shop that you've been in etc Plus more comfortable for husband and baby to be out of the heat.

Easier* not earlier

It's not relevant, if OP was concerned about cluster feeding (also not a thing, and definitely not at 4 weeks) then she obviously wouldn't be taking the time away would she. She clearly felt that baby would be okay with her being away from them so she was obviously satisfied that baby was going to be fed during that time, how baby was going to be fed is irrelevant, especially to a load of strangers on mumsnet.

Congratulations on your new one. That first month is really hard. No matter how much you love the little bugger, it’s still hard to shift from having your own space/time as regular, to being attached to them and responsible for them 24 hours a day.
You are normal. The struggle is very real. Don’t let people guilt you.

I’m introverted. I NEED time to myself to function. I got a babe that couldn’t lay flat for the first eight months of life or he’d toss up his entire meal. Wanted to be held all the time, and lost everything if he was left to cry for more than a minute. Had to get a sling and learn how to do cleaning with him in it.

If babe napped, I did too. Only way I made it. We shared wake ups on weeknights. He got to sleep from til 20:00 to 02:00, then I got til 8. Friday nights were mine til 10:00 next morn and Saturdays same for him. It was survival mode.

Come six weeks on, my parents were desperate to have him, so he started going to them on Sundays for 4 to 6 hours. That saved us! They loved it, and we got time to ourselves and time together. He’s 11 now and still loves going on Sundays to get spoilt. It is allright to need some time to just be. You just have to figure out how each of you get your needs met.

I'm in two minds.

On the one hand, it's good to talk about your expectations early on. Too many women on here post about feeling resentful that their partners seem to think that any manner of childcare falls on the mother.

On the other hand, I agree with what other posters are saying in that it is very early days. 6 hours out of the house with a 4 week old, even as a one off, is a lot.

Don't forget that if you are entitled to some 'you' time (which you are, and likely for an extended amount of time as the baby gets older), your partner is also entitled to this time. Him getting up and going to work every day does not count.

(Gently) I think you're being a bit unreasonable. With a month old baby 6 hours out of the house is a lot of time. I have a 7 month old and unless I had plans (like a special occasion) then I wouldn't be spending that amount of time out of the house and then expecting him to do the night feeds at the weekend too, that is a lot of free time with a small baby.

I know its tough going, my daughter is still up 3 times during the night for a feed as she has reflux so can't handle much at a time. I do all the night feeds, I have done every night since she was born. But my husband is at home 3 days a week as he works from home on one if the days but can start late so he'll take the baby at 7 and I'll sleep til around 1 and this is how I catch up on sleep. This is what works for us, don't get me wrong when my husband was really busy with his second job we did have arguments as I don't think he truly realises how tough it can be, especially as I've been doing night feeds for so long I think he takes it for granted how hard it is.

And even with all that I think the amount if time you're expecting is too much. But I'm here in solidarity in how exhausting it is (but of course worth it!)

6 hours shopping with pain from your CS must have been difficult. Your body will continue to change for months, I wouldn’t buy too much yet.

I had a late Novembe baby and remember having a full day in city centre with him in the pushchair, while I Christmas shopped. It was ace, he slept more than he'd ever slept (20h out of 24h) that day, because of the constant pram movement for 6h plus.

I don't think you should have bitten your tongue or held back from what you wanted to retort to him

He's being a dick. Self pity on the part of the partner who hasn't physically carried the baby and given birth is a deeply unattractive trait.

You're recovering from childbirth, taking care of a newborn all day, and on duty most nights. That's not the same thing at all as having sleepless nights and then going to work. Care of a baby is relentless hard work. It takes a huge toll, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically.

Stand firm. You need time off. He should be delighted to spend time with his baby when he gets in from work. After his six hours - I assume this was the longest spell he's ever had the baby by himself - he should appreciate how hard it is to even get time to pick your nose when you're with the baby all day, and he should be happy that you get time every day in which you can get a mental break, finish a thought without interruption, and return to your pre baby self.

He seems to have some idea that the role of parent is yours, while he doesn't really have that duty because he's the big man bringing in the money and how dare you interfere with that important thing.

First, housework isn't a break.

Second, either what you do 24 hours a day all week is hard or it's easy. If it's easy, he should be able to do it. If it's hard, you need a break from it.

Besides, men who do more of this have better relationships with their children.

If you’re looking for what would be ‘reasonable’ in my opinion and what we did -

I had DD all day. When DH got home from work we’d look after her together for a couple hours. One of us would make dinner. I’d feed her(bf) but you could give your son a bottle at this point and then I’d head up to bed around 8pm to get a few hours of sleep.

DH would have her downstairs with him usually on his chest while watching tv and rocking/soothing her as necessary. He would bring her up to me around midnight and go to bed in the spare room. I would do the ‘night shift’ but then at 8am DH would bring me breakfast in bed and then take her for half an hour while I showered/got ready for the day

Neither of us had any ‘time to ourselves’ for anything other than sleep at this stage. We both ended up with about 8 hours sleep in total (although mine was broken but I made up for this by dozing during the day when the baby slept)

I think after about 6-8 weeks we started to take an hour alone here or there to go the the gym/shopping/hairdressers etc. Around 3 months we left her with my mum and went for lunch together. Around 9 months we left her for the entire day to go out for the day.

You are going to feel that your life has changed a lot more than his - unfortunately that’s part of being a mother and will take time for you to come to terms with if you ask me.