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Original poster

Life with a newborn and partner, I need help!

128 replies

Newmum199207 · 09/07/2022 19:05

Long story short, my partner and I are first time parents to my gorgeous son who is now a month old. Past couple of weeks things have been getting extremely tense between my partner and I with sleep schedules and having a bit of time to ourselves. I currently look after him all day during the week (apart from when he gets home which he is supposed to give me a few hours to myself, this doesn't always happen.) and I take him all night during the week. We then are "supposed" to share responsibility on the weekend during the day and he takes him at night.

Well this is no longer the case, he is making me feel like a really shit person for wanting to have a few hours in the evening to myself and for wanting to have at least one night where I can sleep with out being disturbed. Today (Saturday) I went out for 6 hours which he knew I had planned for a week to just have a bit of time to myself and actually get out the damn house. He practically bit my head off when I get back (I was 6 hours) and said I had been too long and that it was selfish as I knew he had a bad night with our son last night, moaning he only had 5 hours sleep. I really felt like snapping back and saying welcome to my world! It's not fucking easy! He also knows that I am looking after our son in the evening and all night that night to so am I really being unreasonable for having one Saturday afternoon to myself???

I even agreed with him yesterday I will no longer have the weekends nights to myself and we can each have 1 night where we get to sleep with out looking after him, (Friday night is mine, Saturday night is his) like I don't know how else I can make it fair seeing as I have him pretty much 24/7 in the week?

He doesn't understand that I too need a break from him, he seems to think because he is out at work earning (which don't get me wrong, I really appreciate it) that looking after our son isn't hard. Am I being a dick here? Am I really being that unreasonable? I just want us to stop fighting over this. I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells and it's so out of character for him. I totally get being a new parent is hard, but there has to be a way around this.

OP posts:
isadoradancing123 · 09/07/2022 20:06

Really what looking after does a four week old baby need, they feed and sleep and you cuddle them

Blankbias · 09/07/2022 20:07

The OP wants time to herself for a bit and her partner is able to facilitate that. It doesn’t matter if other people don’t want to do that - just don’t do it then! It’s not hard to understand that some parents want to spend every waking minute with their baby and some don’t. Neither trumps the other.

Missscarletintheconservatory · 09/07/2022 20:08

I think your expectations are high, I have a 6 month old and have never had 6 hours out by myself yet. If I had 6 hours I would sleep.
However you're right to want equal rest time with your partner.
You doing housework is not a rest. Him out working is what he's supposed to be doing now that paternity leave has finished. He will need sleep if possible during the week but you should be getting some too.

FWIW the newborn days were not full of a sleeping baby and box sets here, not everyone has that experience. It has been pretty full on since the start, not going to lie, so you too should come to some arrangement of what is fair before resentment builds further.

It is hard, maybe your expectations need to adjust.
I've heard the saying the days are long but the years are quick or something like that. Can you believe your baby is a month already? Celebrate the 3 of you.

junebirthdaygirl · 09/07/2022 20:10

isadoradancing123 · 09/07/2022 20:06

Really what looking after does a four week old baby need, they feed and sleep and you cuddle them

The problem is they do do right through the night too and the broken sleep is tough going.

WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 09/07/2022 20:14

At a month old I never got any time off - enough time for a quick wash, and in the early months it took me half an hour to have a poo because of terrible tearing and piles!

it was well over a YEAR before I got six hours off at a stretch (I was breastfeeding though so this was a choice).

I strongly agree with pps saying it isn’t a competition to see who is most tired or miserable. That is how it was sometimes with my first baby until we sorted ourselves out, Find a different way or you will resent each other for years and years.

Thisdressfitlastyear · 09/07/2022 20:15

I think four weeks is also where a lot of babies get tricky with daytime napping as well. They sleep a lot, but broken. So they might nod off for twenty minutes, awake for ninety, sleep for forty, awake for two hours. A lot of them get very grumpy and overwhelmed and shouty in the evenings too.

ArabellaDrummond · 09/07/2022 20:16

It’ll even out eventually OP but I think you need to accept your life has now changed and you don’t get that much time to yourself anymore. I have a 6 month old and it was a huge shock for me too but I think you need to suck it up and accept that this is life now, you are a mother meaning you are the default parent no matter how much you want to share things. You have my sympathy, it’s fucking hard.

LIZS · 09/07/2022 20:21

"A few hours" would be considered a luxury by many new parents over a month let alone of an evening! 6 hours is too long as a starting point.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 09/07/2022 20:21

So you have between 16 and 21 hour's to yourself this week how much has he had also on the weekend shifts if you have Friday night off you should do Saturday daytime and if he has Saturday night off he does Sunday day so you can both rest after a sleepless night, expecting 2 to 3 hours everyday to yourself is crazy and the whole day out without newborn too is a bit much

Topgub · 09/07/2022 20:21

Dint listen to all them martyrs trying to shame you for wanting time to yourself, it's important.

But you jave to be fair and divide ot equally. You're at home all day and dh is working. Id be pretty pissed off if dh had demanded 3 hours to himself if I'd just got in from work.

A night off each and sharing care the rest of the time seems fair.

When are you going back to work?

DaphneeBridgerton · 09/07/2022 20:29

I think 6 hours is a long time to want to be away from your 4 week old baby - sorry if that sounds judgemental but I just don’t understand why you can’t pop out for an hour or two? I think it’s unreasonable to want that much time away so early on.

Sounds like you need to approach this as more of a ‘team’ than you are at the moment… your baby is going to demand much more of your attention (in different ways) over the coming months/years and it’s a good idea to come to terms with that fact quickly

Wam90 · 09/07/2022 20:29

It sounds like you’re both shattered and still adjusting to life with a newborn. As hard as it is, you both need to appreciate what the other is doing and try to work as a team. If you’re going to be tallying up who’s had the least sleep all week then you’re going to be fighting a losing battle.

6 hours is also probably a long time for him when he hasn’t been used to spending every day alone with him but that doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve the time away. Lower the expectations a bit and enjoy your newborn baby. He won’t be little for long and things will only get harder if you don’t try and resolve your issues now.

How do you feel in yourself? Wanting 6 hours away from your baby that’s a month old is quite a long time, are you feeling like you’re struggling with your feelings/ mood? Could you be suffering from a bit of PND? I hope you can reach out for some support if you feel that you need it. PND manifests itself in some strange ways.

Maybee21 · 09/07/2022 20:32

Definitely don't listen to all the comments trying to shame you for wanting some decent time to yourself, it's perfectly normal to not want to be around your baby constantly, as long as they're looked after and loved they'll be just fine without you for 6 hours.

When your husband is at work he is doing his job and you are doing your "job" of being with baby. When husband gets home from work the only fair thing is for you both to split parenting equally.

What worked really well for us was to hand baby to partner when he came home so that I could have 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep (any less than 4 hours in a 24 hour period renders you an impaired caregiver and is incredibly dangerous for you and baby) then we would both go to bed and I would get up with baby so that partner could get his 4 hours then any more than that was a bonus.
It sounds grim and you can tend to be like ships in the night but it's only for the first 3 months and it ensures that at least everyone is getting the minimum amount of rest needed to be a safe parent.

And please don't listen to all the "I've never had more than 20 minutes to myself in 8 years" blah blah blah, the fact is that if you live with your childs other parent there is no reason for anyone not to be getting time to themselves when they need it and no reason for one parent to be taking on all of the parenting while the other slacks off.

gonuts · 09/07/2022 20:32

Agree with everyone

Both you and your partners expectations are crazy!

6 hours away from a month old baby is huge!! Im guessing you are formula feeding cos that just wouldn't be possible for a breastfed baby - no judgement just saying how unlikely it is for a lot of mums. and 2-3 hours me time every night? I think most mums with partners at work are lucky to get 30 minutes to have a shower and get changed into pjs!

That's what having a baby is like, it's hard but you just have to suck it up. You can't battle each other, you have to work as a team

MrsR87 · 09/07/2022 20:36

I agree that you need time to yourself as it is very stressful looking after a newborn and to be honest it still can be at 20 months old! However, six hours is a lot to expect, especially if you are expecting it regularly. Similarly 2-3 hours alone in the evenings also seems rather a lot!

The weekend nighttime feeds seems perfectly reasonable to me though!

Blankbias · 09/07/2022 20:37

This makes me sad, I can’t imagine not giving each other a few hours a week, let alone a month. We had a great routine with time to ourselves, time singularly with the baby, and time all together. Maybe we were lucky, I took the bulk of the leave at the beginning, then did a month together, then my husband had three months when I went back, then had another month together before he went back. I know we’ve been fortunate with a good sleeper so we’re able to pretty much have life back to normal after 10 weeks and could have evening meals together etc., so we also had time to ourselves as a couple.

Maybee21 · 09/07/2022 20:37

gonuts · 09/07/2022 20:32

Agree with everyone

Both you and your partners expectations are crazy!

6 hours away from a month old baby is huge!! Im guessing you are formula feeding cos that just wouldn't be possible for a breastfed baby - no judgement just saying how unlikely it is for a lot of mums. and 2-3 hours me time every night? I think most mums with partners at work are lucky to get 30 minutes to have a shower and get changed into pjs!

That's what having a baby is like, it's hard but you just have to suck it up. You can't battle each other, you have to work as a team

I breastfed my baby and was able to take 4+ hour stretches to have the required amount of sleep so that I could safely look after them from birth. Partner gave baby a bottle of pumped milk, so it's entirely possible if you want it to be.
Also, you're saying you're not judging the OP but why mention method of feeding at all? it's completely irrelevant to the discussion.

Blankbias · 09/07/2022 20:38

Hear hear! Absolutely agree.

Blankbias · 09/07/2022 20:39

Yes, we did the same and it was great, neither of us felt resentful.

gonuts · 09/07/2022 20:40

It's completely relevant because at 4 weeks old a baby would likely be cluster feeding at the exact time the OP is wanting to have 2-3 hours to herself.
Just pointing our it's completely unrealistic for anyone who is breastfeeding

bbqhulahoop · 09/07/2022 20:40

Yanbu to need some time but both your expectations are so off! Welcome to parenthood 😢

Original poster
Newmum199207 · 09/07/2022 20:42

Okay I just want to add the 6 hour trip was a one off that had been planned already. I had to do it to get new clothes as nothing fits me anymore, I do admit I was longer than I wanted to be but this was out of my control. I certainly do not plan on doing this every weekend at all! I agree with you all that 3 hours is to much to have to myself in the evenings and yes we are discussing ways around it. Thank you everyone who is supporting me and not shaming! I just want to add that I am still recovering from a c section and still in a lot of pain most days which I do struggle with when looking after him, mainly feeding when he is on my lap. Also to those stating I am acting like it's a competition, that is the last thing I want to do. I love my partner dearly but I just feel like we are in a lot of shock with how now this is to both of us!

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 09/07/2022 20:42

I think 2-3hrs every evening is asking for a lot. Your DH has been working all day so equally needs a bit of time to chill out, but sounds like he’s having the baby all evening every evening unless he’s home at 4pm.

6hrs on a weekend I’m sorry is excessive. I’d personally want to share the work on the weekend. Or go out together as a family on these lovely summer days. One night each without the baby is fair, again it’s a lot more than many people have. So I do think you’re getting quite a lot of baby free time, and I can see why your husband is getting a bit annoyed

Hatsoff5 · 09/07/2022 20:43

It gets like this. You both need to understand your baby is so young. Have you got a mum on either side to help out?

SlagathaChristie · 09/07/2022 20:47

Perhaps instead of having specific nights, you could split the nights a bit? I'm mostly breastfeeding my 3month old, but DH gives him a formula bottle at midnight or so (or breastmilk if I've managed to express enough) and I do the rest of the night feeds. We both go to bed basically with the baby and read for a bit of downtime when he sleeps from 8ish. 4 weeks old is a difficult time, I do think you both need lower expectations. It will get easier x