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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you stop seeing somebody if they kept doing this?

78 replies

Chicagotown · 09/07/2022 00:12

At first he was the one arranging dates and meet ups. Now it feels like it’s always me. It just feels exhausting.

When I ask him the answer is always the same ‘if I finish work early enough I’ll come over to yours’ or ‘I have some work to get on with this weekend but if I get done in time I’ll see you’.

It just feels so much hard work. He was once making lots of effort but now he ‘has’ me he does not unless it benefits him.

OP posts:
MrsGhastlyCrumb · 09/07/2022 00:16

It doesn't sound good. If it's still early days, I think I'd be cutting my losses if I were you. Doesn't sound like he cares about your feelings at all. ☹️

PlaidBlanket · 09/07/2022 00:17

Absolutely I’d stop seeing him. I’m not some tiresome extra chore tacked onto the list of tasks, and I’m not keeping an evening free in case he manages to fit me in.

Original poster
Chicagotown · 09/07/2022 00:19

Thank you both.

it’s always an ‘if’ or a ‘maybe’. I don’t feel like a priority. Then it makes me feel silly for asking to see him. It does feel like he expects me to just keep my time free in case he is able to see me

OP posts:
TwinkleInMyEye123 · 09/07/2022 00:21

Yes doesn’t really sound like things are going anywhere. What stage of life are you at and what would you ideally like from the relationship? Would you ultimately like to move in together/marry/have a family/merge families?

headiintheclouds · 09/07/2022 00:24

How often does he arrange to see you after originally saying maybe?

FitFat · 09/07/2022 00:25

He will turn this round on you if you bring it up so be careful. He will call you high maintenance etc and make you qiestions yourself and your sanity. Leave him but with strong boundaries in place. Dont drag it out.

WeAllHaveWings · 09/07/2022 00:26

Stop being available unless he commits to firm plans you are interested in. If he won't, then you have your answer.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2022 00:28

He's being crystal clear and I don't think you're listening. He's just not into you. Keep your dignity and dump this twat.

Original poster
Chicagotown · 09/07/2022 00:28

When he says maybe it’s half and half. Sometimes he will end up seeing me but let’s me know last minute either way.

On the rare occasion that he suggests a meet up it will be still be ‘I’ll come and see you this evening if I get done in time’. He doesn’t even ask if I’m available he will just say that. I think he thinks I sit around and wait for him.

@FitFat You’re right. I have mentioned it once and he did turn it on me. He gets very defensive about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Chicagotown · 09/07/2022 00:29

I think he is very emotionally unavailable and also struggles to commit to things which makes me think that he waits to see if he has a better option. If not, he will see me.

OP posts:
mackthepony · 09/07/2022 00:30

Sounds like flogging a dead horse

Move on

HollowTalk · 09/07/2022 00:31

You've answered your own question there. He's just not that bothered is he?

Original poster
Chicagotown · 09/07/2022 00:33

The other day he suggested coming to see me ‘if he finishes work early enough’ so I got home and sat waiting for him to let me know. He wasn’t giving a straight answer and messing me about. He eventually let me know he was on his way up at 10pm.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2022 00:34

Chicagotown · 09/07/2022 00:33

The other day he suggested coming to see me ‘if he finishes work early enough’ so I got home and sat waiting for him to let me know. He wasn’t giving a straight answer and messing me about. He eventually let me know he was on his way up at 10pm.

For a shag, probably. Raise your standards.

Original poster
Chicagotown · 09/07/2022 00:34

The annoying thing is on the occasion I tell him that I don’t think he’s interested, he gets very defensive and says ‘of course I am’ and that he would tell me if he wasn’t interested. But his actions speak louder than his words

OP posts:
Original poster
Chicagotown · 09/07/2022 00:35

@Aquamarine1029 yes you’re right. And then he left an hour later

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 09/07/2022 00:36

You know you deserve better than this, don’t you. You’ve tried mentioning it, he got defensive- nowhere else to go, but out the door really.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2022 00:36

Chicagotown · 09/07/2022 00:35

@Aquamarine1029 yes you’re right. And then he left an hour later

Fucking hell, op. You're worth more than this. He is blatantly using you.

Smelborp · 09/07/2022 00:39

That’s horrible. You can do so much better.

TwinkleInMyEye123 · 09/07/2022 00:48

So a booty call. He’s just using you for easy sex.

TheNestedIf · 09/07/2022 01:01

I had one exactly like that. It didn't get any better. It was notable he would just rock up to family events as well, as opposed to taking any responsibility for instigating or organising them.

Eventually I became ill for about 18 months and stopped arranging anything, because I was too tired. He still didn't pull his weight socially, let alone pick up the slack. When I became boring, he just found someone else to arrange interesting things for him, instead, in more ways than one.

Still, when I found out, I finally got rid of him and am now living my best life, doing what I like when I like as opposed to missing out on events, waiting for him to bother getting back to me about his schedule. I understand the poor OW has recently had a lucky escape, too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2022 01:07

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2022 00:36

Fucking hell, op. You're worth more than this. He is blatantly using you.

Show quote history

This. Fuck that noise.

Unless he is the greatest shag in the history of the world. Even then I'd be fitting him around my life. I suspect he's just as selfish in bed as he is in life.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2022 01:09

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2022 01:07

This. Fuck that noise.

Unless he is the greatest shag in the history of the world. Even then I'd be fitting him around my life. I suspect he's just as selfish in bed as he is in life.

Show quote history

Men like this are always lousy fucks.

GoT1904 · 09/07/2022 01:13

Chicagotown · 09/07/2022 00:35

@Aquamarine1029 yes you’re right. And then he left an hour later

I've had this. And it's so easy to convince ourselves that there's more to it, but after I've gotten over the situation I could see how I'd been used.

Are you officially together? If not, just make yourself unavailable. If he's romantically interested, it'll bother him & he will pursue you properly.

EBearhug · 09/07/2022 01:17

I did end it. I realised I was always the one arranging things, which he'd happily agree to, but never initiated. So I just decided I wasn't doing it any more, until he did arranged something. And 10 years later, I'm still waiting... (well, not waiting , rather getting on with the rest of my life.)