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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you stop seeing somebody if they kept doing this?

78 replies

Chicagotown · 09/07/2022 00:12

At first he was the one arranging dates and meet ups. Now it feels like it’s always me. It just feels exhausting.

When I ask him the answer is always the same ‘if I finish work early enough I’ll come over to yours’ or ‘I have some work to get on with this weekend but if I get done in time I’ll see you’.

It just feels so much hard work. He was once making lots of effort but now he ‘has’ me he does not unless it benefits him.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 09/07/2022 08:31

Tell him you expect him to surprise you with a Venue or activity, once a month. Do the same for him.

That's 12 thought processes in a year - shouldn't be too hard 😊

TyrianBannister · 09/07/2022 08:31

Relationships are supposed to enhance your life.

I don’t think that’s the case here.

BorsetshireBanality · 09/07/2022 08:39

His disrespect is obvious. He turns up for his shag, an hour later he’s gone.

👻 ghost and block!

TightPants · 09/07/2022 08:41

Ugh.
Get rid OP, you can do much better.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 09/07/2022 08:46

where is your pride op.
do not be available

Pansypotter123 · 09/07/2022 08:50

Move on. Is this a new(ish) relationship? If so, you shouldn't have to be asking these questions, this should be the fun stage. Go with your gut and move on. You know the answer. You deserve what you want and need, not the crumbs off his table.

LizzieSiddal · 09/07/2022 08:51

It’s hard to hear Op but he’s using you and YOU are letting him. Tell him it’s over, you’re sick of being used. Then block him.

ihavenocats · 09/07/2022 10:06

You're a convenience until something better comes along. Stop being there, end it. If he wants something more that will kick him into touch, if he doesn't want something more you want it to end anyway.

CheeseandWhine22 · 09/07/2022 14:20

Listen! He's getting a shag as and when he decides. By someone who he knows likes him.

Of course he's gonna get defensive. He's not going to give up the booty call that easily, now is he?

Drop 'it' like it's hot..

ManateeFair · 09/07/2022 14:37

Honestly, just get rid. He’s keeping you on standby and making zero effort and when you raise it with him he acts defensive as if you’re the one being unfair - he’s a gaslighting twat and he isn’t making you happy. How long have you been seeing him? Cut your losses and move on.

FinallyHere · 09/07/2022 14:40

WeAllHaveWings · 09/07/2022 00:26

Stop being available unless he commits to firm plans you are interested in. If he won't, then you have your answer.

This ^

RollOnWinter · 09/07/2022 14:41

You've been making yourself available, for when it suits him. You've been a doormat. He won't change (why would he, when he can turn up at yours at 10pm, have sex then sod off again). Look for someone who will consider you as a person.

FinallyHere · 09/07/2022 14:42

so I got home and sat waiting for him to let me know

Honestly, don't do that.

Get on with stuff you want to do. Go for a walk, make other plans.

Then you will know whether he wants to see you or is only interested if there is nothing else he can do.

KatherineJaneway · 09/07/2022 14:45

Definitely. I am no one's afterthought.

Theoneinthemiddle · 09/07/2022 15:05

I would discuss it.

I have some relationships where I choose where we are going and some where other people do. people on here are very keen to dump anyone who annoys them even slightly then you get the “got no friends “ thread.

There’s nothing wrong with being easy going and cutting some slack.

talk about it with them! Unless you have already decided to ditch them.

Junglejanie · 09/07/2022 15:23

Don't waste your time pretending to be out and doing things just dump him and move on. He doesn't like spending his time with you, you being unavailable might have an impact in the short term but his feelings won't change and you'll end up breaking up so just do it now.

misskatamari · 09/07/2022 15:27

Fuck that! He's treating you with a complete lack of respect, bin him off! You are worth so so much more than this idiot!

dworky · 09/07/2022 15:28

Absolutely.

Leave him to his disinterest.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 09/07/2022 15:29

He has started taking you for granted and I would just make your own plans now instead and let him ask if you are free and you can say no am busy as not waiting around for you to let me know if you are free at the last minute. This is a red flag as shows what he will be like long term and you will not be his priority. Take time away from him to clear your head as he is doing a good job of trying to cause you confusion. There are better men out there and why waste your time on him.

DrManhattan · 09/07/2022 15:30

Hes not interested

isthismylifenow · 09/07/2022 15:32

What you condone, sets the tone.

If you continue doing all the work in the relationship, nothing will change.

surreygirl1987 · 09/07/2022 15:38

I had a boyfriend like this in my 20s. I spent all my time waiting around for him. I wish I'd dumped him and kept my self respect!

Boopeedoop · 09/07/2022 15:55

Give Dobby a sock then he can be a free elf.

He's using u as somewhere to empty his balls. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Burgergal · 09/07/2022 16:05

I'd say bye bye. Time to move on.

waitingforautumn · 09/07/2022 18:14

I went through something similarly recently, with someone I really, really liked. They weren't so much lazy about arranging dates as they were just content going long periods without seeing each other and texting soon slipped. Anyway those indicators were the prelude to our last 'date' where he said he knew he couldn't be all in right now. I think he had been subtly trying to tell me (he is going through his own things tbf) - I said I'm not hanging around and not interested in something at his convenience. IMO you either want to build a relationship with someone or you don't.

I think if you stick around too long you risk letting him take you for granted. If you like this guy and think he's got future potential, I'd recommend cutting him off before things have a chance to get spoiled. If he grows up later down the line he will know how to reach you.

I don't want to be too presumptuous about your situation, however I am of the view that life is too short to be waiting around for others to show their enthusiasm for you and I know from personal xp that this type of situation can lead to lots of anxious thoughts that take up a disproportionate amount of your day.💐