AIBU to not make my child eat everything on her plate?

[Lolabear38]

We have close friends whose house we eat at, or they eat at ours, fairly often. They have different expectations at dinner time for their kids than I do - they enforce a very strict ‘clear your plate or no pudding’ rule, I don’t do this.

When dd is at their house, their rule applies. Generally I would agree - their house, their rule but there have been quite a few times recently when she’s become very upset at being forced to eat a whole plate full of food she doesn’t want with the threat of no pudding hanging over her (she’s 6 and loves pudding). Friend or her DH are very firm with all the kids that they have to eat everything and they follow through with the threat of no pudding. It’s got to the point where I’m finding reasons not to go there to eat because dd is so anxious about it.

What is bothering me a lot about this situation is when they come to eat at ours, they try and enforce the same rule. I took friend aside this evening and told her that I don’t generally make dd clear her plate and explained why - she said fair enough but for the sake of making everything fair to her kids when they’re all eating together the rule has to apply - it’s not fair her kids have to do this while mine don’t.

I take things on a case by case basis - I generally know what dd had eaten in the day and so know she’s had a roughly balanced diet so if she doesn’t want to finish a whole plate of food, and presuming she’s eaten (what I consider to be) enough, then she’s allowed to leave what she doesn’t want and still have pudding. I also don’t want to force her to eat or use pudding as a reward.

AIBU to put my foot down and say dd doesn’t have to clear her plate to have pudding? In my own house?! Or when at restaurants? In their house, ok I guess. But if I’m following their rules in their home surely they should return the gesture when in my house?!

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

Personally (entirely anecdotal) I believe being forced to clear your plate leads to unhealthy relationships with food and struggles with being overweight. If you begin to get used to clearing entire portions when you're not hungry, that becomes a habit. As adults we know when we are full and stop eating. We can also decide that we would like to save room for desert. How can we expect children to have a healthy relationship with food and make good choices as adults if we are force feeding them as children?

I generally know what my child has eaten during the day, she has a healthy breakfast, a packed lunch, plenty of fruit and veg. If and dinner time she tells me she's full, and there has at least been a good attempt at what's on her plate then she's welcome to leave the table. 30-45 minutes later she would be allowed a desert / fruit / ice lolly / jelly.

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

Oh so in answer... no, YANBU! No one force feeds my children, you're their mother and entirely capable of determining their nutritional needs. Are your kids a healthy weight, look healthy and active? Well then there's your proof if so! If point out I clearly know what I'm doing and I'd be grateful if you didn't try to force unnecessary food into my kids 🤣

[CuriousMama]

Appalling outdated behaviour from your friend. That can cause eating disorders. Poor DCs ☹️

[carefullycourageous]

Oh no no no, you are lettig your friend abuse your child. Put a stop to this. I feel really sorry for your DD.

[ByeByeBoree]

Yanbu and I'd avoid sharing meals with them when either of you have kids around. I'm sure there are other activities you can all enjoy together but it doesn't sound like eating family meals is one so for the sake of the friendship I'd just be unavailable for kids' teatimes.

Fwiw I have the same approach to food as you and think what you're doing is entirely reasonable but some families do make mealtimes fraught - best just leave them to it; no point in having yours or your dd's mealtimes be fraught as well.

[carefullycourageous]

@PaddleBoardingMomma

Personally (entirely anecdotal) I believe being forced to clear your plate leads to unhealthy relationships with food and struggles with being overweight. If you begin to get used to clearing entire portions when you're not hungry, that becomes a habit. As adults we know when we are full and stop eating. We can also decide that we would like to save room for desert. How can we expect children to have a healthy relationship with food and make good choices as adults if we are force feeding them as children?

I generally know what my child has eaten during the day, she has a healthy breakfast, a packed lunch, plenty of fruit and veg. If and dinner time she tells me she's full, and there has at least been a good attempt at what's on her plate then she's welcome to leave the table. 30-45 minutes later she would be allowed a desert / fruit / ice lolly / jelly.

Not anecdotal, this is well known and proven.

[SaveWaterDrinkGin]

Why are you allowing them to do this to your child? Besides the fact it’s ridiculous, cruel, unhealthy and has the potential to create a dangerous relationship with food, you do not allow anyone to do ANYTHING to your child that you do not agree with.

[ThreeImaginaryBoys]

Demanding a cleared plate is outdated and damaging. It's forcing a child to overeat and, as PPs have said, encourages a bad relationship with food.

[Bunty55]

So many reasons for not enforcing this..

By all means encourage your child to try different things, to widen their palate and enjoy food, but to make them eat everything or no pudding ? Bloody hell, that sounds awful

[Marg11]

Omg do not allow your child to suffer like this!

I would not avoid eating with them as that is not teaching your child the correct way- you're hiding away, what you need to do is speak out (in front of your daughter) to teach her.

Stand strong and tell this friend items your child and your rules regardless of where she is then if your friend can't adhere to this (ask / tell in words first) THEN explain to dd why she's not going to friends as their mummy's rules aren't the same as 'our rules'. In your house this woman has no right to dictate to you/ your child- did you actually make your child follow these rules?
If you did it's about moving forward and un doing the rules this woman has set.

Work out with your dp what your food rules are. From that be honest with dd and talk about friends rules and ask dd how it is for her. The idea here is dd needs to tell you her feelings and get it all out so nothing is held inside. Give her lots of encouragement to talk and share a little about how you don't like 'xyz' so it's like a chat and less pressured.
Then carry on with what you were doing and let dd leave dinner/ still have pudding- you know best here.

I am so passionate about this issue. At 6/7 I was made to eat by a school friends mum and it's caused so many food issues for me. Her mum was just strict in 'clear your plate' not nasty but has still massively impacted my eating. 1 woman did that to me.

Be strong for your dd.

[N0tfinished]

In an effort to compromise- can you determine what gets put on the plate when you're at hers? ie - not overloaded & not things you know your dd doesn't like?

But your friend definitely shouldn't expect to dictate your child's eating habits in anyones house. Also, I agree with all pps - this is outdated & damaging thinking

[altmember]

The simple solution, just to keep everyone happy, is to only put half (or whatever you feel is an appropriate amount) on her plate when you're dishing up. Can always offer her seconds when she clears her plate.

I do think it's reasonable to believe that if someone is full then they won't be able to stomach pudding. But where do you draw the line? My step son often throws a tantrum at meal times, saying he's not hungry. Hides away in his room until dessert comes out, and then just has that.

[stuntbubbles]

@altmember

The simple solution, just to keep everyone happy, is to only put half (or whatever you feel is an appropriate amount) on her plate when you're dishing up. Can always offer her seconds when she clears her plate.

I do think it's reasonable to believe that if someone is full then they won't be able to stomach pudding. But where do you draw the line? My step son often throws a tantrum at meal times, saying he's not hungry. Hides away in his room until dessert comes out, and then just has that.

That’s not the solution here – OP doesn’t have to change her food rules and behaviour around food in her own home!

Frankly OP I wouldn’t ever eat with that friend again: protect your DD.

[ChagSameachDoreen]

I would be stopping having meals with them completely. And also send them some links that prove how wrong and dangerous their approach is.

[Terriblethirtytwos]

I still remember a dinner lady at school forcing me to eat something I didn’t like. I wasn’t allowed to go and play until I’d eaten and so I was sat alone in the hall crying with her stood over me telling me to eat. Absolutely horrible! There isn’t a friendship that would be worth putting my DC through anything like that! In fact, that behaviour would massively put me off them as people. If you do have to keep them in your life then I would, like PP have said, ensure you don’t have meals with them.

[Nandocushion]

@N0tfinished

In an effort to compromise- can you determine what gets put on the plate when you're at hers? ie - not overloaded & not things you know your dd doesn't like?

But your friend definitely shouldn't expect to dictate your child's eating habits in anyones house. Also, I agree with all pps - this is outdated & damaging thinking

This is reasonable. I'd tell your friend that you'll dish up for your DD as the rules are so different from what she is used to, and I'd give DD only a tiny amount so as to keep her stress down around the whole matter. If your DF isn't okay with that then you'll need to stop eating meals together, and it's OK to tell her that her rules aren't working for you guys.

And stop there. Lecturing another adult about their parenting choices isn't going to get you anywhere.

[Fulbe]

Here you are, here's the evidence:
"plate clearing tendencies were positively associated with BMI... an increased tendency to plate clear was associated with a significantly higher body weight."

onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/oby.20976

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You're right, shes wrong.

Don't eat at her house and your rules apply to your DD everywhere else.

[amylou8]

Well no one's forcing her to eat the food. She just doesn't get pudding if she doesn't. Hardly abusive. Maybe their kids eat two peas and mush a couple of chips before demanding pudding, which is why the rule has been put in place.

[Northernsoullover]

How often do people have pudding? Christmas and Sunday Lunch in our household. We've never followed the clear your plate bs. If there isn't a dessert then you know they genuinely don't want to eat any more. If my children didn't want to finish their food when they were younger it was fine. If they had played around with it and not finished much then plain toast and butter would be all that would be on offer later.
As an aside, as an adult I can be full to bursting and still manage to squeeze a dessert in.

[MrszClaus]

Your friend needs to back down - the whole world doesn't need to abide by her rules just so her DC don't see someone doing something different. Stand firm, your rules are your rules and can apply in your home and restaurants. I wouldn't be sending my DD to eat somewhere with these rules, especially as she's old enough to not like it.

It's a terrible rule, my mum did the same and 3/3 children have issues with food now.

[Lollypop701]

So you friend wants to enforce her rules on your child or it’s not fair to her kids!!! Tell her to reverse that in her head and she must apply your rules or it’s not fair to your child. If she’s not happy with that why should you be.

[StClare101]

Sp many dramatic replies.

No one is being forced to clean their plate, they just don’t get dessert if they don’t. Seems reasonable.

The other parents trying to enforce their rules in your house is a different matter altogether and I’d tell them to jog on.

[Happyhappyday]

It’s definitely terrible advice to follow, encourages unhealthy eating habits. Good research to support this. So your friend’s attitude to her own kids stinks, but ultimately not your problem.

however I think it’s completely unacceptable for her to even vaguely tell YOUR child how she can eat! I would suggest talking to her frankly that you are not willing to allow her to tell your dc how to eat, anywhere, ever. It’s a massive overstep. If she can’t agree then you can’t eat meals together. Other option would be to not have pudding on offer when the kids are together. We don’t ever tell dc she needs to eat anything but equally, almost never have pudding and if we do it’s mainly fruit.

[Holymole]

I'm slightly on the fence here....

I definitely don't think it's acceptable for your friends to be telling you what to do in your house.

I also agree that forcing anyone to clear their plate when they're full is an unhealthy approach. But - I've also seen kids leave veggies, claiming they're full up, but miraculously find room for cake/pudding.

You haven't really been clear here about what's going on - if your dd is regularly swerving healthy food in favour of puddings, that's not very good for her either. Is this what your friends are trying to enforce?