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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Late husbands best friend

98 replies

notmynamee · 07/07/2022 22:40

Long story short

Married for 10 years, he passed away 5 years ago.

LateDH was best friends with Martin as a teenager until early 20s. Hadn't seen him since 2009ish due to us moving and didn't really talk to him either. DH died 2017.

I got back in touch with Martin to let him know DH died. We didn't talk for a couple of months then we started talking every day. Just messages all day every day for a few months. By this point I started to have feelings for him and I told him, he didn't feel the same way and we drifted apart.

Talked on and off over the next couple of years about mutual interest/hobby. I invited him out with friends a few times and he declined (busy etc)

I met someone else, but then broke up with that person.

Then after lockdown martin was out local to me and messaged, I felt it was flirty, he said he wished he'd thought of inviting me sooner (it was late) and he'd definitely invite me next time.

I invited him next time he said no as he was too anxious to come on his own and his friends were busy. I invited him this time and he says he's coming, his friends have pulled out but he's still coming. He wanted to stay at a hotel, I said he was welcome to stay at mine, he said he'd rather a hotel because it's easier for him to slip off back to a hotel if he needs to leave early as he has plans the next day.

I still have feelings for him. We talked about anything and everything. He's such a lovely man, he has real values and isn't the type to sleep around or mess around.

We don't really talk about relationships so I have no idea if he's single but he seems to be, no mention of a girlfriend anywhere.

I don't know how to handle this. He might be understandably freaked out due to him being DHs friend. Or he might not be interested. He might not even be single for all I know.

I don't want to mess this up, I don't know if talking to him will make him anxious or if I should just make a move when we go out.

The fact he's coming on his own suggests he wants to see me, but maybe he just thinks I'm no longer interested.

I know this sounds a bit teenagery but I haven't really dated since I was a teen! Met DH at 19 and I'm in my late 30s now. So is Martin.

OP posts:
DuvetHugger · 07/07/2022 22:44

He has already said he doesn't feel the same way. I would let this go

Original poster
notmynamee · 07/07/2022 22:46

Yeah I think you're right. But that was in 2017 when things were fresh after the death. I wonder if he just sees me as a friend now.

OP posts:
rattlemehearties · 07/07/2022 22:47

Eek sadly no, you're going to get hurt, sounds like he's just after a shag as he knows you fancy him and he won't settle down with you. Move on.

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/07/2022 22:49

Dating is hard whether you are 17 or 70.

Go with the intention of having a nice evening. Make a move if you like, but he sounds like a nervy type, so he might bolt.

The safer option is probably to have the nice evening, and then follow up suggesting drinks / coffee and walk for two, if he doesn’t accept - you know he isn’t up for it, if he does, just tell him when you are out that you enjoy his company and would like to see him again to see if it goes anywhere, and he’ll either be up for that or not.

If he’s faffing around and doesn’t seem to know what he wants, stick him in the friend zone, don’t waste your time.

CherrySocks · 07/07/2022 22:50

he said no as he was too anxious to come on his own

Did this not seem a bit strange to you? He doesn't seem to have given any indication that he is looking for a relationship.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 07/07/2022 22:52

If you tell a guy you have feelings for him and he says he doesn't feel the same i think that's enough. I would only ever expect a friendship off him if i were you, unless he clearly indicates otherwise (this seems unlikely from what you've said). Please don't come onto him or let him use you as that's what he might do.

BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ · 07/07/2022 22:53

My first instinct is that he wouldn’t be in touch if he wasn’t interested. But I would take this slow, have a night out and see what vibe you get from him. Good luck!

Original poster
notmynamee · 07/07/2022 23:02

Thanks everyone. I feel like im new to all this lol

My first thought was that why would he be interested in coming on his own now when before he was too anxious? (He is the nervy type), im the only person there he would know?

I haven't seen him in years which makes it weirder, maybe he just doesn't want to seem rude by declining my invites? I think I've asked him maybe 3 times to come out with us.

My gut instinct was he didn't want to go near me that soon after dh passed. But now he's seen me date someone else, he knows I'm ready?

Maybe I'm just wrong and he wants to be friends and thinks as it's been so long that I don't fancy him anymore.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 07/07/2022 23:11

I would just go expecting to be just friends, nothing more. Anything else is a bonus, but take a deep breath and sit back. I think you overwhelmed him a bit and still may - that’s why he wants to stay at a hotel, so he can bolt if he wants.

Neverendingdust · 07/07/2022 23:11

Am I the only one who opens these posts and reads the time stamp straightaway to gauge if there’s been an update?

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/07/2022 23:13

I meant to say OP that as we get older, we sometimes have a tendency to treat every date as if it’s The One, and start planing the house we’re going to live in and what the kids will be called. But it’s just a date.

You aren’t even dating yet and you are deffo over thinking. It’s just a meet up, just treat it like an evening out, and go with the intention of enjoying yourself. If you want, suggest a date. See what happens. If it doesn’t work, then dump it.

Babdoc · 07/07/2022 23:16

What is his relationship history, OP? Has he had a long term girlfriend or marriage? Could he be gay? Is he partnered up at present? Is he actually available at all, or are you building your hopes on wishful thinking?

StClare101 · 07/07/2022 23:19

He’s choosing to stay at a hotel. He doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. Honestly, you need to develop some pride and go to this as friends only. Don’t embarrass yourself!

MiniPiccolo · 07/07/2022 23:22

He's not interested OP. It doesn't even sound like he's that interested in being friends.

You're reading a lot in to something rhat doesn't really sound like anything.

Original poster
notmynamee · 07/07/2022 23:25

He's not gay, he's had a couple of long term relationships. The last I know of ended in 2016. I have no idea if he's dated anyone since, we don't talk about that partly because I never bring up stuff like that. Partly because he's fairly quiet/private and probably knows it would upset me as he knew I liked him.

I understand the hotel thing as I'd be the same, going on my own to meet him and his friends I'd want to know I can leave whenever I wanted...

He doesn't even talk to me that much really, we went from messaging constantly to hardly ever. But it was him who started it all up again when he went out...

I think it's me wishful thinking.

OP posts:
est1899 · 07/07/2022 23:40

rattlemehearties · 07/07/2022 22:47

Eek sadly no, you're going to get hurt, sounds like he's just after a shag as he knows you fancy him and he won't settle down with you. Move on.

I think that's a really unfair comment. This man has shown no indication that 'he's just after a shag'. He even wanted to stay in his own hotel rather than the OP's house!

QuebecBagnet · 07/07/2022 23:41

I think if he was interested he’d be making it more obvious because he knew you were interested previously. By all means go out with him but keep telling yourself it’s as friends, don’t get your hopes up, don’t read too much into stuff, don’t tell him again that you’re interested. Maybe he will make a move, I think the ball needs to be in his court now, but from what you’ve put I’m don’t think he will. Sorry

Mellowyellow222 · 07/07/2022 23:43

Op to be honest he really doesn’t sound interested.

it sounds like you have been brave, put your feelings out there and he turned you down very decisively.

even now he doesn’t sound particularly interested.

your run the risk of losing your dignity on this one.

crimsonlake · 07/07/2022 23:48

Tbh I think he was just filling a void for you after your DH death and that is why you felt close to him. He was someone you did not know, but he gave you some comfort. However I agree he does not want to pursue any relationship with you and think you should let this one go.

FlosCampi · 08/07/2022 00:00

Break the touch barrier. Touch his wrist or just above his knee when you're saying something nice, and smile. If within the next 10mins or so he touches you back, he fancies you. Of course it doesn't necessarily mean he wants a relationship, but it's a start! (This tip may be taken from Mizz magazine circa 1990.)

Twillow · 08/07/2022 00:22

It sounds to me like you get along well as friends but he doesn't want anything more from you. If you want to continue on that basis only, fine - if he wants things to progress I'm sure he will let you know. But don't overthink and get your hopes up. Don't make a move, fgs!

Ziegfeld · 08/07/2022 00:31

v sorry - but he’s just not into you

iknowimcoming · 08/07/2022 00:43

He sounds like hard work, I'd put money on him cancelling last minute, find someone who wants to spend time with you Flowers

sessell · 08/07/2022 00:49

Oh OP. I had a very similar situation with a friend of my late DH. That very early stage when your heart is broken open. We got close and my feelings overflowed, but he said he didn't feel the same way. It felt like more loss. It took time to build enough resolve to keep a distance as, like you, it's hard to stop feelings that set in during that period of deep grief and vulnerability. The reality is that if someone wants to be with you they will make it clear and make the effort. Rationally you know that, I know that. But it was not a rational time and the feelings are set deep and so hard to shake off. I fear that you're setting yourself up for more pain. Give it a time limit. Then if things still don't shift, you'll need to keep a distance and protect yourself.

quietnightmare · 08/07/2022 01:01

If he does show up let us know what happens