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Original poster

Late husbands best friend

98 replies

notmynamee · 07/07/2022 22:40

Long story short

Married for 10 years, he passed away 5 years ago.

LateDH was best friends with Martin as a teenager until early 20s. Hadn't seen him since 2009ish due to us moving and didn't really talk to him either. DH died 2017.

I got back in touch with Martin to let him know DH died. We didn't talk for a couple of months then we started talking every day. Just messages all day every day for a few months. By this point I started to have feelings for him and I told him, he didn't feel the same way and we drifted apart.

Talked on and off over the next couple of years about mutual interest/hobby. I invited him out with friends a few times and he declined (busy etc)

I met someone else, but then broke up with that person.

Then after lockdown martin was out local to me and messaged, I felt it was flirty, he said he wished he'd thought of inviting me sooner (it was late) and he'd definitely invite me next time.

I invited him next time he said no as he was too anxious to come on his own and his friends were busy. I invited him this time and he says he's coming, his friends have pulled out but he's still coming. He wanted to stay at a hotel, I said he was welcome to stay at mine, he said he'd rather a hotel because it's easier for him to slip off back to a hotel if he needs to leave early as he has plans the next day.

I still have feelings for him. We talked about anything and everything. He's such a lovely man, he has real values and isn't the type to sleep around or mess around.

We don't really talk about relationships so I have no idea if he's single but he seems to be, no mention of a girlfriend anywhere.

I don't know how to handle this. He might be understandably freaked out due to him being DHs friend. Or he might not be interested. He might not even be single for all I know.

I don't want to mess this up, I don't know if talking to him will make him anxious or if I should just make a move when we go out.

The fact he's coming on his own suggests he wants to see me, but maybe he just thinks I'm no longer interested.

I know this sounds a bit teenagery but I haven't really dated since I was a teen! Met DH at 19 and I'm in my late 30s now. So is Martin.

OP posts:
Mally100 · 08/07/2022 02:47

StClare101 · 07/07/2022 23:19

He’s choosing to stay at a hotel. He doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. Honestly, you need to develop some pride and go to this as friends only. Don’t embarrass yourself!

I agree. He has repeatedly told you so and you are just not hearing that. He sounds like he has made it quite clear where he stands so respect that. He could simply be coming to see you as a duty to check on you.

hibeat · 08/07/2022 03:02

If he does not clearly on multiple occasion chase after you, let it go. Enjoy a friend's date and do not make a move.

Musti · 08/07/2022 03:50

Crikey you’re relentless. He doesn’t seem remotely interested. He told you he isn’t interested and has turned down numerous invitations by you. Do you need a signed letter from him saying he’s not interested??

Do you even know this man? Maybe it is grief and he’s some connection to your late husband?

RaisinGhost · 08/07/2022 04:09

Sorry OP, I'm normally one to say go for it, but he doesn't sound interested at all. You barely speak, he's declined your invitations 3 times, he's staying in a hotel and you don't even know if he is single. Enjoy the night out as friends if it ends up happening, but then move on and forget this guy.

Dita73 · 08/07/2022 04:46

Sorry but he couldn’t have made it clearer that he doesn’t have feelings for you. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he phones with a reason not to come

daisychain01 · 08/07/2022 04:51

I hope this isn't going to be one of those threads that goes round in an interminable loop of

OP - Gives 101 excuses for the man which are actually signs he isn't interested

MN - He.isn't.interested

OP - Gives a different 101 excuses for the man which still show he isn't interested.

Example: My gut instinct was he didn't want to go near me that soon after dh passed. But now he's seen me date someone else, he knows I'm ready?

Response: you're clutching at straws, he isn't interested based on everything you've posted. Please walk away with your pride intact.

YellowMonday · 08/07/2022 05:36

He's just not that into you.

See if from a different way - being chased/pressured by a man expressing his interest when a woman simply wants to be friends.

UrricanesArdlyHeverAppen · 08/07/2022 05:52

He sounds like a really nice man who has made it very clear to you again and again that he doesn’t see you that way and has tried repeatedly to put boundaries in place which you are trying repeatedly to trample on. He’s clearly not after anything sexual or he would be jumping at the chance to stay at yours rather than a hotel.

I mean this with kindness but you need to stop thinking that he would be yours if only this, that or the other. He’s made it perfectly plain that he has absolutely zero interest in being anything more than a friend to you. If you keep ignoring this, he won’t want to be friends with you for much longer. He’s told you ‘no’. You have to accept that and decide whether you want to remain in his life with no prospect of ever being more than a friend, or whether you need to put some distance between you so that you can move on.

Maurepas · 08/07/2022 05:53

Keep it very casual -as that is what it seems to be.

Pamlar · 08/07/2022 05:53

This doesn't sound promising and I would walk away.
He has already rejected you and messed you around a bit.
Honestly after the tragedy you have already suffered you deserve to have someone who treats you well and puts you first.
I don't think it's this guy.

Aubree17 · 08/07/2022 06:02

Ok he's said once he's not interested so this is a red flag.

However .... you like him .... so be open to him changing his mind. Let him do all the leg work - e.g. suggest and plan the dates etc. Only then will you know how interested he really is.

Christinatheastonishing · 08/07/2022 06:04

Have you actually spoken to him or seen him in person since 2017 or has all the communication been online?

Oblomov22 · 08/07/2022 06:07

Your pushing too hard.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 08/07/2022 06:17

I'm afraid I agree with most of the other PP's here.

He's made it crystal clear that he's not interested - if you do meet up, don't do it under the pretence that you're anything more than friends.

Unfortunately I think you're setting yourself up for a lot of tears and upset as you seem
painfully determined to make this go somewhere - presumably because he's a connection to your late DH and you don't want to lose him too.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through but please be careful.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 08/07/2022 06:37

He has said he isn't interested. He has said he would rather stay at a hotel than yours. These two things are unambiguous.

IMO if he was in any way interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you he would have jumped at the chance to stay at yours to see if anything developed. However even when you pressed the matter he was adamant and very clear. He wants to be able to slip away if necessary. I think that he is trying to preserve the friendship whilst ensuring he doesn't end up in an awkward situation alone with you.

Value this man for who he is - an old friend with good intentions who has no romantic interest in you.

JellyBellyNelly · 08/07/2022 06:40

Op, he may very well want things to go further but is haunted by the fact your DH was his friend.

I think it’s best to just leave well alone.

lightand · 08/07/2022 07:12

daisychain01 · 08/07/2022 04:51

I hope this isn't going to be one of those threads that goes round in an interminable loop of

OP - Gives 101 excuses for the man which are actually signs he isn't interested

MN - He.isn't.interested

OP - Gives a different 101 excuses for the man which still show he isn't interested.

Example: My gut instinct was he didn't want to go near me that soon after dh passed. But now he's seen me date someone else, he knows I'm ready?

Response: you're clutching at straws, he isn't interested based on everything you've posted. Please walk away with your pride intact.

Or a thread where the op doesnt come back.

Op, you are projecting.

IVbumble · 08/07/2022 07:18

Bless you with your warm & open heart. Sometimes you sound a bit You do run t too 'available' & somewhat desperate. If he is interested this may not help as it makes you seem of less value.

Be high value - keep your self esteem high & have patience whilst also bearing in mind this may not be what he wants.

Check out a couple of youtube's with Matthew Hussey to work out some helpful strategies.

spotcheck · 08/07/2022 07:19

Be very casual- friends only and then back off. You’ve chased this man enough. If he’s interested, he knows where you are

JellyBellyNelly · 08/07/2022 07:20

IVbumble · 08/07/2022 07:18

Bless you with your warm & open heart. Sometimes you sound a bit You do run t too 'available' & somewhat desperate. If he is interested this may not help as it makes you seem of less value.

Be high value - keep your self esteem high & have patience whilst also bearing in mind this may not be what he wants.

Check out a couple of youtube's with Matthew Hussey to work out some helpful strategies.

Bless you with your warm & open heart

Thats lovely. And yes. The Op does have a warm and open heart.

Fireflygal · 08/07/2022 07:25

@daisychain01, Spot on.

Op, I really don't think it's because of your late DH. He isn't interested and has told you. You will know when a man is interested so please respect his boundaries as he has told you he isn't interested in you romantically.

Whilst you are hung up on this man you may be missing opportunities with other men who will reciprocate your feelings.

Remona · 08/07/2022 07:27

I’m sorry, OP, but I’m with other posters on this. He really isn’t interested. Short of telling you to back off, which he won’t do out of respect for your late DH, he couldn’t have made it more obvious.

It’s like forcing a square peg into a round hole. You’re trying to make this fit your own narrative and are seeing things that aren’t there.

The hotel thing stood out to me. He’s not staying in a hotel for an early start but because he wouldn’t be comfortable in your home and fears you’ll expect more.

Tread very carefully. At best you may end up embarrassed or at worst hurt and humiliated. Please don’t expect anything from this.

Ihatemyroad · 08/07/2022 07:28

He doesn’t feel the same way.

You’re running the risk of being a booty call (someone he hooks up with when it works for him, at the end of the night when he’s drunk or fancies sex) or at most a ‘friend with benefits’.

He’s had ample opportunities to meet up with you.

Let this one go and move on.

IsThisReallyAcceptable · 08/07/2022 07:32

I don't think he's interested in you and the nervousness is because it's awkward being alone with someone you know fancies you but you don't reciprocate. He's told you how he feels.

ZenNudist · 08/07/2022 07:37

He's just a friend