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AIBU?

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Original poster

Late husbands best friend

98 replies

notmynamee · 07/07/2022 22:40

Long story short

Married for 10 years, he passed away 5 years ago.

LateDH was best friends with Martin as a teenager until early 20s. Hadn't seen him since 2009ish due to us moving and didn't really talk to him either. DH died 2017.

I got back in touch with Martin to let him know DH died. We didn't talk for a couple of months then we started talking every day. Just messages all day every day for a few months. By this point I started to have feelings for him and I told him, he didn't feel the same way and we drifted apart.

Talked on and off over the next couple of years about mutual interest/hobby. I invited him out with friends a few times and he declined (busy etc)

I met someone else, but then broke up with that person.

Then after lockdown martin was out local to me and messaged, I felt it was flirty, he said he wished he'd thought of inviting me sooner (it was late) and he'd definitely invite me next time.

I invited him next time he said no as he was too anxious to come on his own and his friends were busy. I invited him this time and he says he's coming, his friends have pulled out but he's still coming. He wanted to stay at a hotel, I said he was welcome to stay at mine, he said he'd rather a hotel because it's easier for him to slip off back to a hotel if he needs to leave early as he has plans the next day.

I still have feelings for him. We talked about anything and everything. He's such a lovely man, he has real values and isn't the type to sleep around or mess around.

We don't really talk about relationships so I have no idea if he's single but he seems to be, no mention of a girlfriend anywhere.

I don't know how to handle this. He might be understandably freaked out due to him being DHs friend. Or he might not be interested. He might not even be single for all I know.

I don't want to mess this up, I don't know if talking to him will make him anxious or if I should just make a move when we go out.

The fact he's coming on his own suggests he wants to see me, but maybe he just thinks I'm no longer interested.

I know this sounds a bit teenagery but I haven't really dated since I was a teen! Met DH at 19 and I'm in my late 30s now. So is Martin.

OP posts:
Polichinelle · 08/07/2022 07:39

rattlemehearties · 07/07/2022 22:47

Eek sadly no, you're going to get hurt, sounds like he's just after a shag as he knows you fancy him and he won't settle down with you. Move on.

To me it sounds just the opposite. If he was after a shag, he would have accepted the invitation to stay with the OP in her house

Lingoflaming · 08/07/2022 07:43

Are you sure that you haven't developed feelings for him because of his connection with your husband?

notanothertakeaway · 08/07/2022 08:00

UrricanesArdlyHeverAppen · 08/07/2022 05:52

He sounds like a really nice man who has made it very clear to you again and again that he doesn’t see you that way and has tried repeatedly to put boundaries in place which you are trying repeatedly to trample on. He’s clearly not after anything sexual or he would be jumping at the chance to stay at yours rather than a hotel.

I mean this with kindness but you need to stop thinking that he would be yours if only this, that or the other. He’s made it perfectly plain that he has absolutely zero interest in being anything more than a friend to you. If you keep ignoring this, he won’t want to be friends with you for much longer. He’s told you ‘no’. You have to accept that and decide whether you want to remain in his life with no prospect of ever being more than a friend, or whether you need to put some distance between you so that you can move on.

I agree with this

He sounds like a decent man who is anxious not to lead you on

Whatever00 · 08/07/2022 08:17

Of all the men in the whole world you want to get involved with your deceased husbands vest friend. I don't get it.

Coffeetree · 08/07/2022 08:28

Don't let a man tell you twice that he doesn't want you.

LoveLabradors · 08/07/2022 08:29

Sounds like understandably you are finding dating again quite daunting and nerve wracking. Could it be that you feel that Martin is “safe” as he has links to your late DH? It’s not actually uncommon for people who have lost their partners to seek out the comfort and safety of a known person. But it seems that he feels it is overstepping a boundary too.

maddy68 · 08/07/2022 08:31

He's definitely not interested. Only wants a friendship. (if that!). You are being too pushy

5128gap · 08/07/2022 08:36

I'm sorry, but he's not interested. I get what you're saying about timing in 2017, but in all honesty it would be a rare man who let some sense of loyalty to a friend he'd lost touch with stand in the way if he was keen on his widow and she was ready. Plus we're several years on now.
He has avoided every opportunity you've given him to move things on, and the only sign you've had of any interest is messages being a bit flirty. Which in truth people do when they're bored but it means nothing. It's the words they're enjoying not the person sending them.
There could be many reasons for his lack of interest, not everyone is attracted to anyone, regardless of how lovely they may be, but I think you should accept that and distance yourself. There is no happiness in maintaining a 'friendship' with a disinterested man while hoping for more. Looking for signs, rejection after rejection. It will be very bad for you.

dottiedodah · 08/07/2022 08:42

Firstly I am sorry for the loss of your dh. I think he feels that you are his Friends widow and he may feel uneasy about that .if you were to push it you may lose all contact. It is understandable you may see him as a safe option ,but I would keep him as a Friend and think about dating afresh when and if you feel ready to

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/07/2022 08:45

This has trouble all over it...

It is so easy to want to hang onto your passed husbands close friends...

But even if he WAS interested - I suspect it wouldn't be that healthy... Your husband would be in the dynamic somehow,giceb both your relationship with your dead husband.

It does not sound as if he's interested, at all...

He's put in boundaries... Staying at hotel, not seemingly want to see you solo...

And overall... He's SAID he's not interested..

If he's changed his mind... I think this would be abundantly clear... From what you've said here.... He's not.

Of course you can persist with this, as long as you realise it may mean you're being set up for more heartbreak.

beautyisthefaceisee · 08/07/2022 08:45

notmynamee · 07/07/2022 22:40

Long story short

Married for 10 years, he passed away 5 years ago.

LateDH was best friends with Martin as a teenager until early 20s. Hadn't seen him since 2009ish due to us moving and didn't really talk to him either. DH died 2017.

I got back in touch with Martin to let him know DH died. We didn't talk for a couple of months then we started talking every day. Just messages all day every day for a few months. By this point I started to have feelings for him and I told him, he didn't feel the same way and we drifted apart.

Talked on and off over the next couple of years about mutual interest/hobby. I invited him out with friends a few times and he declined (busy etc)

I met someone else, but then broke up with that person.

Then after lockdown martin was out local to me and messaged, I felt it was flirty, he said he wished he'd thought of inviting me sooner (it was late) and he'd definitely invite me next time.

I invited him next time he said no as he was too anxious to come on his own and his friends were busy. I invited him this time and he says he's coming, his friends have pulled out but he's still coming. He wanted to stay at a hotel, I said he was welcome to stay at mine, he said he'd rather a hotel because it's easier for him to slip off back to a hotel if he needs to leave early as he has plans the next day.

I still have feelings for him. We talked about anything and everything. He's such a lovely man, he has real values and isn't the type to sleep around or mess around.

We don't really talk about relationships so I have no idea if he's single but he seems to be, no mention of a girlfriend anywhere.

I don't know how to handle this. He might be understandably freaked out due to him being DHs friend. Or he might not be interested. He might not even be single for all I know.

I don't want to mess this up, I don't know if talking to him will make him anxious or if I should just make a move when we go out.

The fact he's coming on his own suggests he wants to see me, but maybe he just thinks I'm no longer interested.

I know this sounds a bit teenagery but I haven't really dated since I was a teen! Met DH at 19 and I'm in my late 30s now. So is Martin.

OP irs not going to work.

He has made it clear time and time and time again hes not interested and you keep inviting him out with friends, to stay, etc. Why?

Re the pub message - it reads to me that you said something like why didnt you invite me and he said the line about didnt think of it to not hurt you.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm also sorry to be hard on you but you are heading for a fall.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 08/07/2022 08:51

He's made it very clear he's not interested. You've invited him out, he's said no. You invited him to stay at your house, which was obviously an invitation by you for more activities, he said no. Unless you want to embarrass yourself further, let it go and stop bothering him.

If you do want to embarrass yourself further, I'd recommend turning up at his house wearing nothing but a long coat and heels which you open dramatically when he opens the door. Even more creepy if he never told you where he lives...

Biophilia123 · 08/07/2022 08:53

Maybe he is trying to fill in a gap through online contact but not beyond? There is a lot to be said about the former.

I find my need sometimes makes me act in ways that cross others boundaries in a regretful manner. I am reminded of the wise: do we love because we need or we need because we love. I see the latter as the act of giving to someone ready to accept. I guess love can not be forced onto someone as this is paradoxical. Perhaps it is defining for yourself what else do you want this relationship to be.

Ebony69 · 08/07/2022 08:57

est1899 · 07/07/2022 23:40

I think that's a really unfair comment. This man has shown no indication that 'he's just after a shag'. He even wanted to stay in his own hotel rather than the OP's house!

Show quote history

Agreed. It’s a lazy ‘all men want is a shag’ response when the evidence states the complete opposite

Hollywolly1 · 08/07/2022 08:57

He seems like a very genuine man to me and it may well lead into a relationship no one can say for sure either way,I would meet him and enjoy the evening but do not show your hand as men like the chase so let him do that if he wants and see what happens, don't scare him off before you trap him

LIZS · 08/07/2022 08:58

I think he is trying to politely rebuff you. Sorry but maybe you need to look elsewhere for a relationship.

MadeForThis · 08/07/2022 09:03

He knows where you are. It sounds like your feeling for him are entangled in your DH's death.
Try being friends and see what happens.

Ourlady · 08/07/2022 09:04

You’re clutching at straws. He’s just an acquaintance and doesn’t see you relationship as anything more. Let him go.

RainCoffeeBook · 08/07/2022 09:05

He made it clear he isn't interested. If you keep on like this you're entering into creepy sex pest territory. If you can't be friends with him without thinking romantically then cut contact. Don't embarrass yourself.

Chickychoccyegg · 08/07/2022 09:06

I think Martin filled a void in your life at a vulnerable and lonely time, and this caused you to think you had romantic feelings for him, it doesn't sound like you know him particularly well, and haven't physically spent any time with him, so maybe it's best to keep in touch as two people that cared for your late dh, where you can share stories of him, it doesn't really sound like the basis of a new relationship , have a lovely evening with him , but don't act as if this is a date, keep it really casual and friendly

5128gap · 08/07/2022 09:08

Hollywolly1 · 08/07/2022 08:57

He seems like a very genuine man to me and it may well lead into a relationship no one can say for sure either way,I would meet him and enjoy the evening but do not show your hand as men like the chase so let him do that if he wants and see what happens, don't scare him off before you trap him

She's shown her hand. He knows full well she's interested. A man does not keep a keen woman he is interested in at arms length in order to 'chase' her. And even if he did, who'd want a game player like that?

PresdidentOfTheOldFogiesUnion · 08/07/2022 09:09

sessell · 08/07/2022 00:49

Oh OP. I had a very similar situation with a friend of my late DH. That very early stage when your heart is broken open. We got close and my feelings overflowed, but he said he didn't feel the same way. It felt like more loss. It took time to build enough resolve to keep a distance as, like you, it's hard to stop feelings that set in during that period of deep grief and vulnerability. The reality is that if someone wants to be with you they will make it clear and make the effort. Rationally you know that, I know that. But it was not a rational time and the feelings are set deep and so hard to shake off. I fear that you're setting yourself up for more pain. Give it a time limit. Then if things still don't shift, you'll need to keep a distance and protect yourself.

This is a lovely and very sensitive post.

Greenberg · 08/07/2022 09:11

Aubree17 · 08/07/2022 06:02

Ok he's said once he's not interested so this is a red flag.

However .... you like him .... so be open to him changing his mind. Let him do all the leg work - e.g. suggest and plan the dates etc. Only then will you know how interested he really is.

I don't agree with this. I'd absolutely hate it if I had a male friend/acquaintance and they did this to me when I'd made it clear I wasn't interested. It would end the friendship and I'd feel a bit creeped out about it.

We have to end the stupid fantasy of all Mills and Boon novels where some brooding, cold, standoffish guy suddenly becomes a warm loving man who adores us. It does us all a disservice. Guys are often pretty straightforward. If they're interested they show it. And if they're not, and they make this clear, why not respect it. We'd absolutely slam a guy who didn't respect our boundaries.

IStandWithMaya · 08/07/2022 09:12

Yes, give it a time limit. Good luck OP. 🙂

5128gap · 08/07/2022 09:20

Greenberg · 08/07/2022 09:11

I don't agree with this. I'd absolutely hate it if I had a male friend/acquaintance and they did this to me when I'd made it clear I wasn't interested. It would end the friendship and I'd feel a bit creeped out about it.

We have to end the stupid fantasy of all Mills and Boon novels where some brooding, cold, standoffish guy suddenly becomes a warm loving man who adores us. It does us all a disservice. Guys are often pretty straightforward. If they're interested they show it. And if they're not, and they make this clear, why not respect it. We'd absolutely slam a guy who didn't respect our boundaries.

Show quote history

Completely agree with all of this.
Theres always a tendancy to look for reasons why a man may be not forthcoming, but its invariably the obvious one.
No one should ever need to play games or manipulate a situation or chase after someone whether man or woman. As they say, you can't chase someone who's running towards you, and that's what everyone should be aiming for.