Late husbands best friend

[notmynamee]

Long story short

Married for 10 years, he passed away 5 years ago.

LateDH was best friends with Martin as a teenager until early 20s. Hadn't seen him since 2009ish due to us moving and didn't really talk to him either. DH died 2017.

I got back in touch with Martin to let him know DH died. We didn't talk for a couple of months then we started talking every day. Just messages all day every day for a few months. By this point I started to have feelings for him and I told him, he didn't feel the same way and we drifted apart.

Talked on and off over the next couple of years about mutual interest/hobby. I invited him out with friends a few times and he declined (busy etc)

I met someone else, but then broke up with that person.

Then after lockdown martin was out local to me and messaged, I felt it was flirty, he said he wished he'd thought of inviting me sooner (it was late) and he'd definitely invite me next time.

I invited him next time he said no as he was too anxious to come on his own and his friends were busy. I invited him this time and he says he's coming, his friends have pulled out but he's still coming. He wanted to stay at a hotel, I said he was welcome to stay at mine, he said he'd rather a hotel because it's easier for him to slip off back to a hotel if he needs to leave early as he has plans the next day.

I still have feelings for him. We talked about anything and everything. He's such a lovely man, he has real values and isn't the type to sleep around or mess around.

We don't really talk about relationships so I have no idea if he's single but he seems to be, no mention of a girlfriend anywhere.

I don't know how to handle this. He might be understandably freaked out due to him being DHs friend. Or he might not be interested. He might not even be single for all I know.

I don't want to mess this up, I don't know if talking to him will make him anxious or if I should just make a move when we go out.

The fact he's coming on his own suggests he wants to see me, but maybe he just thinks I'm no longer interested.

I know this sounds a bit teenagery but I haven't really dated since I was a teen! Met DH at 19 and I'm in my late 30s now. So is Martin.

I do agree that is this was a man talking about a friend of his late wife the responses would be very very different.

If someone tells you they aren’t interested in a romantic relationship you have to accept that and adjust your expectations.

this man has been very clear. He is maintaining some contact - but I don’t think there has been anything that suggests he has changed his mind.

OP needs to respect that - not assume every move he makes means he is interested in more than friendship.

@notmynamee We talked about anything and everything.

You avoided the most important thing: is he available/partenered or not?

Why? It's such an important thing!

From everything you've said about him, it seems he doesn't want a relationship with you probably tied up with his best friend being your sadly deceased DH.

I'd leave this one now.

It sounds like you are hanging on to feelings that grew, or you thought grew, in the very raw space after you were widowed (I've been there) That is an incredibly strange and difficult time and I think it's possible to overread and invest in a way you wouldn't normally.

I do agree with previous posters who say that men (decent ones anyway) are usually pretty straightforward about what they want and how they feel and there is no indication here that he sees you as anything other than a fairly casual friend.

Time perhaps to move on and look to the future.

He is definitely missing you OP. Give him time as much . Nothing wrong with you. you are being honest ,be that way and you can express your interest again. if it hurts, let be it. You both respect each other no matter what would be the relationship. I would have been wary of him, had he said Yes immediately for your initial proposal.

He doesn't sound like he is interested at all. Just a casual chat from time to time.

You were bereaved and lonely and now still lonely and set on this man who doesn't appear to see things the same way.

I think you need to take a step back and just listen to what he’s saying and not read too much into his actions. If you keep pushing it when he’s told you he’s not interested, it’s neither respectful nor attractive. He may well have changed his mind, but he needs to tell you this rather than you acting on assumptions.

OP he probably still feels like it’s is really inappropriate to start any form of relationship with his former best friends wife. There is nothing wrong with being ready for a new relationship after being widowed but I think you need to leave this where it is, think of him as a good friend and explore the wider dating world.

OP you really need to give your head a wobble and put this fantasy to rest.
He point blank told you he's not interested.
Nothing in his actions in the past 5 years has shown he is interested.

Sorry but you are acting desperate practically throwing yourself at this man you don't even know. He's a stranger to you. You don't know him. What has it been 10 plus years since you've seen him in person?

I'd been pretty creeped out if someone told me they had feelings for me just a few months after their spouse died and someone I hadn't even seen in years.

Cancel this meeting. Put a stop to it.
When a man is into you, he'll let you know and there will be zero doubt.
It was that way 100 years ago and and it's still the same today.
and you want to say but but but.... no but. Just stop.

Sorry op, lots of red flags as they say. Probably not single, not interested long term and after a shag.

Can you not search for him on social media and see if he is seeing anyone?

I don't know how to handle this. He might be understandably freaked out due to him being DHs friend. Or he might not be interested. He might not even be single for all I know

He's not interested. He's even said that.
Rule of thumb is that as soon as you start coming up with reasons why he's interested but isn't showing you he's interested, you should let it go.
If a man is interested in you, they will let you know.
None of this "oh, he's shy", "oh, he's recovering from a previous relationship", "oh he's freaked out because X,Y,Z crap.

This thread has totally reminded me of the film!

why are women taught men are these complex creatures we need an analysis and chase?

if this bloke was interested OP would know.

Your DH died in 2017 and you asked his friend if he'd be interested in you in 2017??

I just thinking that dating and the early days before that should be fun and easy and carefree. This doesn't sound like that.

It sounds fraught and difficult and and tiring. Which would put me right off. It gives a glimpse into what a relationship could be like, and who wants a fraught and difficult relationship?

I'd back off and put this all back in the box it was in.

I think you are a bit of a fantasist OP. Even your thread title describes this man as your 'Late husbands best friend' when they hadn't even been friends, let alone best friends, for years before your DH died. I would suspect your grief has separated reality from fantasy in several ways. I would be forgetting about this man and making solid steps in your real life day to day world.

Please let this go and retain some dignity in the process. Don't message him at all. He probably feels really uncomfortable and is trying to make you see that but you aren't getting it. Join some groups and start some hobbies.

So your late husband and this guy were friends as teenagers but then they didn't talk for almost 10 years. You got in touch when your husband died and you've built some fantasy in your head, trying to believe that he could be interested in you. He has told you he is not interested, but you keep on hoping.

Honestly, you are making a fool of yourself.

Can you tell me the red flags where this guy has shown he's just after a shag? Was it the part when're he told OP he was not interested in a romantic relationship? Or was it the part he turned down the offer, several times, to stay in the OP's house? The red flags are coming from the OP in this situation. Reverse the sexes and we would have a sex pest on our hands!

To protect your heart, I'd say it's safest to assume that he feels the same way as he did in 2017. If anything has changed, he will almost certainly tell or show you.

Every step of the way he's given you specific,excuses,lacking in communication and or then getting too close.hes put clear boundaries in place even now.
So ok don't would be my gut instinct.
You'll get hurt.
Buuut this is a hobbie you both enjoy are you ok with just going as friends.
You might see him,speak to him and suddenly think he's a twat!
So go as a first meet with a good old friend.
No pressure.no second guessing any thing he does.youll soon know.
If nothing comes move on and get yourself out there.your ready.find your someone who wants to be with you and makes excusesvto be close to you.currently this man ain't it.
And if you were posting about a do behaving in this way I reckon the repkys would be run for it he's not the one.

I agree. I think its abundantly clear he couldnt be any less interested and is being polite purely because of her connection to his friend.

Good lord...he has said he doesn't feel the same way. That doesn't change. You will end up embarrassed if you pursue him romatically.

Which thread are you reading because there's been zero suggestion that he wants to shag the OP, he's firmly stated quite the opposite in fact.