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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think primary schools are stuck in the 50s?

271 replies

Desperado40 · 07/07/2022 18:37

I need to get this off my chest somewhere...maybe I am unreasonable, but my kids' primary school is stuck in another decade. They constantly bombard us with things to attend or assist kids to do at home (and I am not talking spellings here, but proper projects). We both work full time! It is hard enough to organise wrap around childcare and we share as much as possible between us, but I really don't want to be wasting the only family time we have on catching up with projects and homework. We received over 60(!) School emails in the last 4 weeks about various things. I am at my wit's end, there is something to remember to bring or do almost daily. And of course the guilt when I cannot attend every single sports day, market day, school fayre, school concert, parents assembly, wave child off on the 100th school trip... I am afraid that it is all designed for a stay at home parents... I know that working full time, I am in the minority of mums in our school. AIBU to think schools should assume that both parents DO work and be more inclusive?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 08/07/2022 06:19

A lot of this seems to boil down to a couple of fundamental things

  1. a misunderstanding that schools primarily serve parents. They don’t. They serve children, who come with (hopefully supportive or not actively hostile) parents. All these activities are great for the children. They are. They’re a massive pain in the arse for parents but the kids genuinely get a lot out of it.

  2. acute parental guilt. It’s OK if you are working and can’t do the drop-in reading, project showcase, bake sake or whatever. It’s also OK for a school to ask for volunteers and say they can’t run it without them- that’s likely just a fact not a tactic to make you feel guilty. Your child will understand there are choices and not everyone comes to everything. Make friends, and their parents in attendance will cheer on your kids and read with them and buy them a bun at the bake sale or take them round the school fair if you return the favour when you can do it.

Schools aren’t trying to make you feel guilty, and don’t expect 100% attendance at stuff. Use your voice to (politely) feedback if the volume of requests or frequency of events is genuinely too much.

Remember it’s the holidays soon and you’ll probably moan about those/feel guilty about those too!

MintJulia · 08/07/2022 06:33

I didn't mind the projects and emails, I liked spending time helping my ds. I could weed out those that weren't important and didn't feel at all stressed by it.

I got seriously annoyed though when they created a process for booking slots at parents evening using a booking sheet in the playground at 3pm pick-up. Neatly excluding everyone who worked, and Parents evening is important. No alternative was offered.

We (working parents) had to kick up a fuss at that one, threaten the head with formal complaints to the LEA and the local paper before she would back down.

neverbeenskiing · 08/07/2022 06:34

You can't please everyone when it comes to HW and events, that's true. But surely no parent would object to comms being streamlined. Yesterday I had four texts from DD's school. Two of them weren't relevant to her year group. One was about something they had already emailed about that day. This is the case most days. We also have multiple emails from them each week. On top of this we get messages on an app that we were told we MUST download because it would be used for all communication and payments. Great, I thought at the time but that hasnt happened, its an add on.

I understand that school events need to be held during the school day. What I object to is being asked to come in for an event at 12.30pm on a Wednesday with only 48 hours notice. With more warning DH and I could make it to a couple of school events each over the course of a year but the lack of notice makes it impossible. Also do these events have to be slap-bang in the middle of the day?? If they were at the beginning or the end of the school day more working parents might be able to go. DD's school also likes to say "no younger children" so even some non-working parents won't be able to go!

I'm not anti-homework but at DD's school it's too much. She has to do reading, spellings and times-tables every night afterschool and a parent has to record that she has done this in her HW diary or she loses house points. She also has Maths and English tasks set on two different online platforms, with different log-ins, each week. I think this is more than enough, especially for DC whose parents don't get home til 6pm. So what I object to is that on top of that they are set complicated projects with a very detailed brief, that no child their age could possibly do without a lot of parental involvement and end up taking up half our weekend. This, on top of the constant requests to produce a Victorian/Stone Age/Roman costume for dress up days or bring in specific items for art/DT/Science projects with very little notice is an absolute pain.

justfiveminutes · 08/07/2022 06:36

Teachers are often parents too remember. We can't take days off even for the big events in our own children's lives, and can't attend anything that takes place during the school day or just after either. We can't volunteer to help on trips or with other things. We also get the letters, emails and other communications. We do know what it's like, maybe we just understand that the nice things shouldn't stop for everyone because we can't attend them.

justfiveminutes · 08/07/2022 06:39

neverbeenskiing, your school does sound disorganised. If you're not exaggerating, then that is poor. Have you fed back about it or looked for alternative schools?

Fizbosshoes · 08/07/2022 06:43

There were a large number of SAHM at my DC primary school.
It's difficult because a lot of the events are sort of bunched together so there might be 3 or 4 afternoons/events a parent is invited (but not obliged) to attend in the last 2 weeks before Xmas or summer hold. Whilst I would do my best to attend the ones most important to my DC I would probably not make all of them. But all are fun things for children and mostly are enjoyable for parents. We just have to prioritise which are the most important
I was at school in the 1980s. My mum worked v pt and lots of mums were SAHM...but I'm sure there weren't half as many opportunities for parents to come and watch things at school. Eg there definitely wasn't any opportunity to watch an assembly or come to sports day.

FrippEnos · 08/07/2022 06:45

LoudingVoice

good of you to miss the bit about scheduling activities for early evening.

And the vast majority of things that schools do are on the calendar at the start of the year.

neverbeenskiing · 08/07/2022 06:45

a misunderstanding that schools primarily serve parents. They don’t. They serve children, who come with (hopefully supportive or not actively hostile) parents

I work in a secondary school. The attitude we take is that we serve a community, one that includes children, parents, siblings and the wider family. When planning events or making decisions we do our best to take the whole school community into account and actively prioritise not making the lives of parents/carers harder. We find that this is the best way to engage parents not simply, "well its nice for the children, so tough shit if it makes your life more difficult". It's too easy to say that parents are either supportive or actively hostile, most parents are as supportive as their circumstances allow them to be. As a school if we want parental engagement, we've got to do our best to make it realistic for parents to engage whatever their circumstances.

FrippEnos · 08/07/2022 06:48

MintJulia

Sign up sheets for parents evening do have many problems most schools have moved to online booking systems.
But even then SAHP often get the majority of the slots as they can get on as soon as the system becomes live.

No system is perfect.

neverbeenskiing · 08/07/2022 06:50

If you're not exaggerating, then that is poor. Have you fed back about it or looked for alternative schools?

I'm not exaggerating. Some schools are this disorganised. I have fed back, as have other parents. I'm not going to move my DD because she would be gutted to leave her friends, the school is very close to home and she is doing well academically and more importantly feels happy and safe there. The lack of organisation makes life more difficult for DH and I but on balance I don't feel justified in moving her from a school she loves.

neverbeenskiing · 08/07/2022 07:12

maybe we just understand that the nice things shouldn't stop for everyone because we can't attend them.

The vast majority of posters on this thread don't want the nice things to stop either though. They would like to be given a decent amount of notice of the nice things, for the communication to be better and for the nice things to be organised in such a way that as many parents as possible have the opportunity to attend.

SnowyPetals · 08/07/2022 07:18

Nope, schools should prioritise the children and their experiences. Plenty of parents are happy to invest time at the weekends into engaging with their children's education
If you don't want to then don't, but don't drag everyone who is down to your level.

mycatisannoying · 08/07/2022 07:18

I do know what you mean. And I say this both as a parent and ex teacher.
Private schools tend to be better for this and have more of a 'hands off' approach towards parents. They understand that they have to work to pay the fees!

Harridance · 08/07/2022 07:22

Mint julip, so why can't the person picking up the child sign the sheet? And if sahms get first dibs, surely they'll want the early slots as they are sahms, leaving the later slots for working parents? The world is not against working parents

Whatwouldscullydo · 08/07/2022 07:25

I know my dd2s school means well. They are ways telling us not to buy costumes if we don't have one. And one thing o have always appreciated is how open they are. Regular (pre vovid) open hours or open evenings and the occasional invite to sit and have a picnic with our kids on sports day. But although mostly work evenings sometimes I do get day shifts and I do have a bit of guilt about how swapping day shifts to attend assemblies and picnics does mean yet another evening im.not home to do the home stuff.

I'm.a single parent now my kids go between 2 houses and homework is bit of a burden that we could do with out tbh

SheepingStandingUp · 08/07/2022 07:25

OK so the email thing is ridiculous. We still have everything in paper and it certainly means we get less. It's also taking up a huge part of someone's day presumably.

But the rest - school trips, fundraisers and projects - you can't expect school to cut these because YOU are busy.

You say most of the parents at your kids school don't work, so when the "can you help" email comes through ignore it, and DH. It isn't your jobs to staff it and you don't have capacity. But thinking kids should have less chance for extra stuff seems really quite selfish.
Projects, well at yr4 and certainly Yr 6 they should be leading on it not waiting for you or DH to do it. It's a shame it feels like a waste of time and I'm assuming that means they're getting no extra learning or fun from doing it. If you or DH can't get them to engage with it then talk to the school. What are the consequences of not doing it?

Classicblunder · 08/07/2022 07:26

Harridance · 08/07/2022 07:22

Mint julip, so why can't the person picking up the child sign the sheet? And if sahms get first dibs, surely they'll want the early slots as they are sahms, leaving the later slots for working parents? The world is not against working parents

I don't think after school club could/would do that!

justfiveminutes · 08/07/2022 07:27

"They would like to be given a decent amount of notice of the nice things, for the communication to be better and for the nice things to be organised in such a way that as many parents as possible have the opportunity to attend."

I think we can all agree on those perfectly reasonable requests and I expect most schools strive for it.

The only thing is that no one can agree what 'better communication' looks like. Some parents like several reminders of an upcoming event. Some people are cross if they receive more than one communication about an event.

And nobody can agree on what 'organising things in such a way so that as many parents as possible can attend' looks like either. Some people want things organised so that they happen during the school day due to busy lives and after school commitments. Some people want them to be organised for after school because they work.

I'm sure some schools could do better. I'm sure some schools are doing a good job but can't please everyone.

Harridance · 08/07/2022 07:35

Classic blunder, what wouldn't they do? And I'm not talking about after school club, that's a separate issue

Classicblunder · 08/07/2022 07:38

Harridance · 08/07/2022 07:35

Classic blunder, what wouldn't they do? And I'm not talking about after school club, that's a separate issue

They wouldn't sign up for a parent's evening slot for all the kids that they take. The suggestion was that it was fine to have a sign up sheet at pick up time as the person picking up could sign up, I am making the point that that excludes those going to after school club

Veganuaryborn · 08/07/2022 07:39

As a full time working mum when my 2 were at primary school I paid a mum with kids at the same school to be my childminder. She was able to attend the events I couldn’t get to and cheer for my kids and take videos of them for me. It was worth every penny!

Change123today · 08/07/2022 07:48

When my daughter was at primary school one of the key things they did & was so helpful - they gave us a calendar around the start of term with key dates and a few rough dates for sports days , assembly’s (nativities) & class visits for the year.
Realistically there was only 1/2 dates per term that we had to keep a couple of hours free so between my husband & I we arranged our work diaries so we knew one or both of us would attend. It also let us know planned dress up days so no last minute Amazon orders.

Homework was set it was a mix independent work & small amount of work with parents. It’s meant a lot easier transition into secondary as the homework has really increased!!

Harridance · 08/07/2022 07:55

Classic blunder, sign the sheet at drop off in the morning?

Classicblunder · 08/07/2022 08:00

Harridance · 08/07/2022 07:55

Classic blunder, sign the sheet at drop off in the morning?

We drop off to breakfast club which is in a different entrance

LoudingVoice · 08/07/2022 08:06

justfiveminutes · 07/07/2022 22:15

"Schools are full of staff that wouldn’t survive a day in the private sector - and I’m not really even talking about the teachers…."

I'm glad you're not talking about the teachers. Most teachers I know had experience of the private sector before becoming teachers.

Really? I think that’s quite unusual, I know lots of teachers and only one worked in the private sector before training as a teacher, the vast majority went from uni into teaching.