Frustrated by mother's hearing loss

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Can anyone relate to this?

My mum's hearing is so bad and she won't do anything about it. She's early 60s.

She basically cannot understand unless she lip reads. There have been situations where I really needed to get her attention in a dangerous situation and she just doesn't hear. I have told her to get help so many times, but she just does not.

Can anyone relate ? I know we can't make anyone do something they don't want to do, but it's affecting our relationship a lot. I don't even bother saying stuff to her in certain situations because I know she won't understand. Other people have noticed and you can't really carry a normal conversation with her. I have to repeat things a lot and shout them out, it's tiring.

Is it normal for her hearing to be this bad ? I am quite worried about her. She just won't get checked out.

She’s going to get so lonely. It is isolating. And you’re already seeing your relationship become strained. Have you told her that you’ve stopped telling her stuff? It sounds like she’s given up, I feel sorry for both of you!
My mum has a hearing aid which is ok one to one and she goes to lip reading classes. And still feels a bit out if it all. But then she really likes company. Her mum refused like yours and just made us all shout. Then got upset because we were all shouting at her. Good luck.

My dad refused to get his hearing tested for years. He’s had hearing aids for about 8 months now and we get on so much better. The thing was that before the hearing aids he’d only hear my 3rd/4th attempt by which time I was almost yelling so he thought I was always in a bad mood! I’m not completely sure what made him suddenly decide to get them.

It sounds like she's happy with her level of hearing the way it is and doesn't want hearing aids - that is her choice. Maybe you could learn sign language together so that you have a way to communicate. Don't just leave her out of conversation - there are other ways to communicate. She could get an iPad and use a voice to text translator for example.

My Dad was like this. He was very good at appearing to be following a conversation, but really he was just taking a guess at what was being talked about and then making a general comment on the subject. It made for some random conversations when his guess was wrong! Eventually it emerged that he was worried that if he went to get his hearing checked, he would get one of those huge, old fashioned hearing aids and he didn't want that. Once we pointed out that he could get a tiny digital one, he went and got help.

After taking my mum to all the hearing appointments and getting a hearing aid fitted she refused to wear it as she felt embarrassed by it

I have the same problem as your mother - need to lip read to understand what someone is saying. Hearing aids are useless, as are people shouting at me. Where your mother and I differ however, is that I don't have an unthinking, un-empathatic daughter.

There is a substantial link between uncorrected hearing loss and dementia, try to find some articles to share with her.

Alternatively, is there someone else she would pay attention to? The GP? Another relative?

I sympathise having gone through very similar with my nan. I can only assume your mums hearing loss has carried on for many, many years, for her to be able to lip read now? Has she has professional support to lip read- or just on her own?

Has she ever had a hearing assessment done?

My nan insisted I speak to her face on. The last straw was when I was driving and she was in the back seat and I turned to speak and nearly hit something. Never again!!!

Its very hard. Could you book an appointment due to your concerns? how would she take that? Does she have capacity? Could she hear a fire alarm?

I mean, to book a hearing test.

My Dad. Worse still, my Mum's hearing went and he was so bloody awful to her about it, until she got hearing aids.
It's not just that Dad doesn't hear, but he hears things wrongly and then gets the wrong end of the stick, he really offended someone recently because he misheard what she said, thought she was insulting him and made a nasty comment back. After that he said he would sort it out, but he's backtracked. He is driving my Mum demented, TV on full blast, she can't have any kind of discussion with him.

My father was like this and refused to even entertain trying a hearing aid. It was sad because it was isolating and we did give up talking to him at times. It was easier to talk to him on the phone because he turned on the speaker phone and would put his ear to that. Sadly he passed away without ever resolving the issue.

It is a difficult thing for your mother to face, that she is gradually losing her hearing. If you have that kind of relationship, could you discuss it with her? She might not realise how much she is losing out on. Also she might not realise that hearing loss without adequate treatment or compensation in other ways can contribute to dementia setting in earlier, as people's brains are affected by the reduced cognitive stimulation of not hearing things.

If her hearing loss has happened gradually, it's likely that she hasn't realised how bad it's got. It's a little like when you wear glasses for the first time and only then do you realise just how poor your eyesight had become.

I have a work colleague who has hearing loss, she tries to lighthearted about it but it's really really annoying and affects the banter in the office (there is only 4 of us) we all avoid chatting now as it's just constant "pardon" "could you repeat thar" and sometimes we might be trying yo be discreet it has really opened my eyes how isolating hearing loss can be I feel like flipping a table if I've to repeat myself any more.

I can imagine how frustrating it is and how it affects relationships

I do find a lot of people say this and I can imagine that not all of the hearing aids on the market are ideal, but I find it hard to believe that all of them are "useless". DF has pretty bad hearing loss, but if he bothers to wear his aids he can take part in conversation - as long as it isn't in a crowded room/restaurant, so we don't ask him to go to places like that. Around the dinner table or in a small family gathering he can hear well with them in, and it's so nice to have him back taking part in life with us.

The OP isn't "unthinking" or "unempathetic". She's frustrated and fed up because she can no longer communicate with her mother and her mother isn't doing anything that might help the situation. My DM is at her wits' end with DF who has refused mostly to wear his hearing aids for two decades. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to repeat every single thing I say three or four times, for years on end.

I'm not sure what convinced him to even get the aids in the first place tbh as he was also very stubborn about it. It might have been his grandchildren getting older! He's never been one for small children and he probably liked the quiet.

My mum has 2 hearing aids and refuses to wear them.

She then gets angry when we all get frustrated and annoyed at having to tell her to stop shouting /repeat ourselves 19 times /have her repeat or say something we have said half hour earlier as though nokne has /turn the TV etc down form deafening levels that "she still can't hear".

Blames it on wax production but then refuses the operation to mend the perforation that would help with it.

We've also bought her an amplifier off amazon that you wear on your clothes and have an ear piece go on your ear. It's more like a headphone than a hearing aid earpiece. She used it for a week and said it was wonderful.... Hasn't used it since 2nd lockdown .

Its infuriating. I feel your pain.

Took my mum about 3 years to go & get her hearing tested - kept saying she didn't want ones like our 100 year old neighbour - which were huge, beige & came with added feedback. Can you get some examples of the latest ones - my mum was finally won over by another friend showing off hers - the ones she has now are tiny & have a Bluetooth connection to her phone so she can listen to the radio / podcasts on them too - that's usually why she doesn't hear us now. We also made it a family rule to point out she needed them if we had to repeated anything more than twice - but it was a friend showing off the latest models that did it. She has her love of socialising back as a result.

if you possibly can, get her to a clinic that does hearing aids privately. the new ones are incredible. My mum has tiny discrete hearing aids that connect to her iphone so she can hear phone calls perfectly, and can hear the 'ping' from whatsapp messages. They charge wirelessly every night so you never need change batteries. they are ££££ but really are a game changer for communication.

Would your DM consider doing a hearing screener test at home where it's more private.

www.specsavers.co.uk/hearing/online-hearing-test

There is often a long gap between a person having a hearing loss and actually doing something about it so your situation isn't uncommon. Unlike wearing glasses, wearing a hearing aid can be considered embarrassing or a sign of old age.

Be gentle, eventually she may accept her hearing loss and want to do something about it.

And some good advice here about sharing the technology with your DM. Hearing aids now don't have to be the big beige over ear ones.

As an ex audiologist I have to say that if she isn’t ready to have hearing aids she won’t wear them even if you persuade her to get tested. Hearing aids are only successful if worn regularly and consistently and aren’t a magic cure - they have limitations!

the most important thing here is to remember that to you her hearing is just a problem to be fixed. Quite often it’s significantly more complex than that. It’s fear/grief - a reminder of her age and probably a reminder of her mortality. For her generation (she maybe just outside of this) hearing loss had negative social connotations (the term “deaf and dumb” is awful but one I have heard far too many times) which can be hard to over come.

i would start by looking @ rnid.org.uk they have lots of support and a free online hearing check. Suggest you both have a go for fun and go from there!

I can completely relate to this, so much conversation is only relevant in the moment and it is really hard to repeat yourself almost all the time. My mum was in denial about her hearing loss for a long time. When I took her to appointments she would give her date of birth when she was asked for her address etc and say people were mumbling! She was physically present but emotionally absent at get togethers because she couldn't follow conversation yet insisted she was fine. In despair I showed her this article www.alzheimersresearchuk.org/blog/how-does-your-hearing-affect-dementia-risk/.

My dad had dementia and she knew how distressing it was and how awful the later stages were for all of the family and so she finally agreed to a hearing test. She was fortunate to be able to afford the most expensive hearing aids from Specsavers. They are very discreet which I think was important for her and they have been life changing, the difference was immediate and so much better for her and everyone who she spoke with. I think there is a resistance because of the bigger older style hearing aids being associated with getting old but there are other options and I hope you can persuade your mum of this.

My FiL was the same. It was so frustrating. He absolutely refused to acknowledge there was a problem even though their clearly was. He couldn't hear us, kept misunderstanding what people were saying, had the tv on 100 volume and would still complain he couldn't hear it.

Eventually MiL convinced him to have hearing test done at specsavers - he seemed to go along with it more as it wasn't "at a doctors/hospital" and just somewhere on the high street.
He got hearing aids. They're tiny we don't see them and everyone (including him!) is much happier now he can hear again!

Might be worth seeing if there's a high street branch near you as it might be easier to be in town and say "let's go have a look" and then see if you can get them an appointment and go from there.....
Worked for us.

Good luck!

Hearing aids are absolutely not useless. I'm 51 and have been wearing them for about 7 years. They have changed my life. Without them I couldn't work and had noticed that I was feeling isolated and almost not part of everyday life before I swallowed my pride and got them. I got mine from Boots and yes, they were expensive but they are worth every penny. Mine have Bluetooth so I can listen to music and podcasts, take phone calls, plus they are hardly noticeable. People who've known me for years are amazed that I wear them, they had no idea!

I can relate to this. I don't think you are being unkind! It's in everyone's interests if she, at least, tries to see if she can wear hearing aids. It was so frustrating when my Mum started to have trouble hearing. It was isolating fir her and very very frustrating fir everyone. She kept putting off getting help possibly fir some of the reasons given by PPs however once she got her hearing aids she was delighted with them. It makes a massive difference to her and the rest of the family.

We still have the tv a little loud and she isn't great in really noisy places such as noisy restaurants but it's a million times better. She finds her hearing aids easy to use and comfortable. They are invisible but they are hardly noticible.

All free on the NHS too. 🌈🙌🏻

I had this. My mum actually got a hearing aid about 12 years ago, lost one then although getting another on insurance refused to wear them again. I mind she visited for a few days having stated she wouldn't be bringing them in case she lost them and I ended up.withput a voice for a couple of days due to straining my voice so much when she was here. Didn't make a difference to her though. I'd be in the loo in her flat, 15 yards and 2 closed doors between me and the TV and could hear the dialogue almost perfectly. Any closer and it was headache-inducing.

She now has dementia and unable to learn how to use them. I'm sure if she'd been using them for the interim not only would her dementia be less serious but she'd be so used to using aids that she'd find them no trouble at all even now.