Frustrated by mother's hearing loss

[frust]

Can anyone relate to this?

My mum's hearing is so bad and she won't do anything about it. She's early 60s.

She basically cannot understand unless she lip reads. There have been situations where I really needed to get her attention in a dangerous situation and she just doesn't hear. I have told her to get help so many times, but she just does not.

Can anyone relate ? I know we can't make anyone do something they don't want to do, but it's affecting our relationship a lot. I don't even bother saying stuff to her in certain situations because I know she won't understand. Other people have noticed and you can't really carry a normal conversation with her. I have to repeat things a lot and shout them out, it's tiring.

Is it normal for her hearing to be this bad ? I am quite worried about her. She just won't get checked out.

My DM was like this, and it impacted quite badly on her towards the end of her life. She missed quite a lot of important information about her health and made some uninformed decisions which possibly shortened her life.

I can totally sympathise. Stubborness is hellish to deal with.

I know it is different however I am currently dealing with a parent who can't walk or hold his balance, yet refuses to use any more walking aids than one stick (which doesn't do very much). He can't walk down the smallest of hills without his legs running away with him, walks along falling into walls, holding onto fences, grabbing my 81 year old mum (who is just as stubborn and in denial), etc, and chooses to not go to things instead of getting a walking aid which would allow him to go these places and walk better. Apparently 'they don't want to get too dependent on anything' 🤯 . I am just living in fear and anxiety of the phone call telling me about the inevitable crisis which needs to happen before anything is done.

My point being, people can be very stubborn and unless they are willing to help themselves, everyone around them has to endure the frustration and fallout of it. Sorry, I know that is no help, but I wanted to empathise with you as I have an understanding of your frustrations and concerns.

In the same way you avoid telling your dad anything, I find myself avoiding going out anywhere with them as not only is it potentially dangerous, it is heartbreaking to watch him frantically grabbing at things to hold him up 😢

I hope your dad sees sense about a hearing aid soon. It is so frustrating delaing with stubborness.

The thing with hearing loss is that for most people it develops over many many years, decades even, before they decide it's bad enough to do something about. Only by that point it's been so long since the auditory cortex of the brain has had the correct amount of stimulation it can severely struggle to process the new sounds that hearing aids are providing.

That's when the "these things are useless" comments start. A lot of people expect to go back to hearing perfectly overnight, when in fact it is extremely difficult to help someone who has poor auditory processing due to under stimulation and lots of people just don't understand this. You hear with your ears, but you understand those sounds with your brain. Early intervention is key to successful hearing aid wearing for the majority of people!

Apologies, I meant your mum, not your dad!

Yes it's normal.

I can hear some tones of voice quite well and others not at all.

Some people mumble.

Some annunciate much better than others.

It’s really difficult as people have to want to get it sorted.

DH wore hearing aids as a child but stopped in his teens and has only just sorted out new ones at almost 50! He knew he had hearing problems but didn’t want to go and get it sorted for various reasons. It’s made a huge difference! He went private and got some incredibly discreet Bluetooth ones for £2.5k

my Dad has awful hearing but is in denial about how bad it is. He was given hearing aids about 15 years ago but only wore them for a few months before saying they were too uncomfortable. He blames people for talking quietly and not enunciating properly…. Even when they’re almost shouting at him 🙄

It’s not other people’s fault she can’t hear is it.
The poster is making her views on this type of stilted conversation clear.
People around you are not obliged to help you if you don’t help yourself.

Except that’s not what the OP is talking about here is it?

That's her choice, isn't it?

It is her choice to not even try. Just like it'll eventually be her daughter's choice to stop trying to communicate with her because her mother won't even meet the problem halfway.

I agree with this entirely.
I am hard of hearing.
I have teen boys - difficult enough to get sense out of at the best of times - but I struggle to hear them.

I don’t like hearing aids at all. But I can hear more with them overall, and so to make and effort, I wear them. People will stop engaging with you if you can’t engage back, and don’t even try.

My dad was like this.

Took several years of my very subtly hinting at him by yelling "get a fucking hearing aid!" At him during every interaction. He got the message eventually and now is much better with his hearing aids!

Wow this is really useful info. Thanks for sharing!

Has she ever had any tests at all for it or nothing?
I can relate as my nan had hearing loss all through my childhood and wore aids, but by the time so go to her 80s she was completely deaf. The damage she had in her ears (work related damage) wasn't helped by hearing aids.
It was very sad and very hard. We got her a lot of devices for the home, flashing light for doorbell, vibrating bed for smoke alarm etc. But she didn't have a mobile (this was the 90s) so we couldn't communicate with her at all when we were apart.
She passed away a few years ago and my mum and I always say that we are so glad she didn't have to live through this pandemic because the masks would have caused her a real problem. As she always lip read.
Prior to her completely losing her hearing she could hear people better than others. I have a strong loud voice and she could always tell what I was saying. My dad and husband who speak in a lower quieter tone she could never hear.

@billyt - thanks for the info!

@billyt . I like the sound of your hearing aids. I have been reluctant to upgrade to private partly because of the potential for ongoing costs. I'm always needing new tubes etc for my nhs ones.
Do you mind saying what it costs you in maintenance/ parts on top of the original outlay.

Can totally relate with my DM. Following for inspiration

In respect of maintenance. When I did my follow up check after using for a couple of months the Audiologist changed the filters. She said she didn't really need to but would anyway. The aids come with spares anyway. I just wipe the aids to make sure no wax, etc. Rechargeable so no batteries to worry about.

I did get her to adjust the base volume slightly during the follow-up as I found I was regularly turning them up, especially for music (I like my music bass and loud)

The aids came with a recharging case as well as a travel case.

I can say I am really pleased with them.

Hi @billyt can I ask if you find a significant difference in sound quality between NHS and your private hearing aids? I'm really struggling with my NHS Oticons. OTE aids as I need to jam my finger in my ear and wedge them against the ear canal to hear anything. They also don't work well with the Roger Pen as you need an induction loop too. Overall, very tinny. By the end of the day, I'm mentally exhausted

Private hearing aids will build aftercare into the cost. Shouldn't be any maintenance costs other than buying wax filters occasionally £4-6 per 8 filters normally. Aids will have a warranty of between 2 and 5years that will cover breakdowns and repairs. Most now don't need tubing as they are RICs (a wire instead of a hollow tube). Name them as an item on home insurance to cover for loss.

@snowflake29 I'm pretty sure (after googling) that my NHS aids are RIC. It's the thin wires that need replacing frequently. They don't have wax fikters though. Will look into it.

RICs will all have a wax filter that's replaceable because it's to protect the speaker on the end of the wire from wax ingression. If you don't have a wax filter it's likely a "thin tube". But those can be cleaned out with a pipe cleaner type thing and shouldnt need replaced often, so I'm unsure why yours would need changed so much!

RICs may need to be changed a couple of times a year even though they have filters in them, it's normal wear and tear

Hi, my previous NHS aids were Oticon that sound like yours - Open fit - a thin tube with a dome at the end that needs changing every 3-6 mths. I think the RIC's are more in the private sector. If you put your hand on your ear, do you get feedback? If so they are definitely not RIC.

Mine were Oticon Synergy although they also did Oticon Spirit (not strong enough for me) I'd had them for almost 6 years but was recently upgraded to Phonak Nathos. The Phonak have better sound quality and phones will Bluetooth to them directly.

My NHS audiology dept were also providing upgraded Oticon.
My point being that if you have the older Oticon eg Spirit /Synergy they are older and being upgraded in many NHS trusts.

It is exhausting having hearing loss but I find it much better with the new ones. I'd speak to your audiology department and ask if they are upgrading. Otherwise, persist and get all the adjustments you need. They might need to fit a different type of dome to stop the sound coming back out of your ear canal - a larger dome that fits more snugly, or a dome that has less holes in it. It all makes a difference. Just seems a shame to spend £4-£5k every 5 years when the NHS do it for free (well, not free, we have all paid for it) and get almost as good aids as a deal with private companies for an awful lot less.