Frustrated by mother's hearing loss

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Can anyone relate to this?

My mum's hearing is so bad and she won't do anything about it. She's early 60s.

She basically cannot understand unless she lip reads. There have been situations where I really needed to get her attention in a dangerous situation and she just doesn't hear. I have told her to get help so many times, but she just does not.

Can anyone relate ? I know we can't make anyone do something they don't want to do, but it's affecting our relationship a lot. I don't even bother saying stuff to her in certain situations because I know she won't understand. Other people have noticed and you can't really carry a normal conversation with her. I have to repeat things a lot and shout them out, it's tiring.

Is it normal for her hearing to be this bad ? I am quite worried about her. She just won't get checked out.

Yes my GP told me this. I feel your pain op my DM needed hearing aids for the last 20 years of her life but wouldnt even consider them which was very frustrating. I cant fathom why she refused this except to think she thought it was admitting to some sort of personal failing (she also refused the offer of a wheelchair for shopping at the supermarket when she became very frail). I started to lose my hearing in my late 50s and couldnt wait to try hearing aids and have the NHS ones which have been really successful.

My grandad (88) won't wear his hearing aids. But then answers the phone and can't hear anything. I've started hanging up when he answers - I don't know why he bothers.

I find it strange that people are embarrassed about having hearing aids - I’m my head it’s akin to wearing glasses, except they’re far more obvious.

I have several family members who wear them and it makes such a difference - conversation flows easier and they’re much happier

I don't know what it is with older people refusing to look into or wear hearing aids. I have had to wear them since my late 30's and I feel so isolated if I don't wear them - it's like being in dense fog where you don't hear normal life sounds around you. Without them, I can't make out what anyone says unless they are right in front of me facing me and I can lipread.
It does take a couple of weeks to get used to them and to hearing all the sounds again, after that time your brain starts to filter out the things you don't want to hear. Like the person noisily turning pages in a book. Or how loud it really is when you go for a wee.

But it is so worth persevering.
Hearing aids aren't great on their own in restaurants and cafes so you still need to socialise in quieter places but at least you can have conversations and hear the birds again.
I get very frustrated when I can't hear people, and it is very frustrating for others to have to keep repeating themselves especially when the hard of hearing person could do something about it, but won't!
In case it's of help to OP - or anyone else - here is a pic of my ear wearing my NHS hearing aids, they are Bluetooth enabled so they also act as earbuds for phonecalls, listening to music etc. :-). They are open fit so you don't even have a mould showing.

My dads hearing is not good. But he still hasn't had his hearing tested. It's driving me up the wall. He comes into a conversation late and you have to repay yourself. Arghhh!

One of my mum's friends has a hearing aid and it's really benefited her and the people around her a lot !

You can't even see it, it's tiny and she loves it, so does her family.

I didn't know there was a link with dementia, so I am definitely pushing it. I may just drive her to get a hearing test myself and see how that goes and highlight the dementia link.

My friend (who has always had a hearing aid herself) finally talked her mother into getting tested and getting a much needed hearing aid. However she prefers not to wear it, and since she lives alone and doesn't like TV or radio, she doesn't feel the need. My friend is worried about her becoming increasingly isolated from humanity, and has been pretty blunt about the reasons for wearing it, but her mother just nods along and keeps not wearing it.

I don't think there is any way to force it, tbh.

My dad is like this. It makes things so difficult. He can't hear and then I have to shout and then he acts all wounded that I'm shouting at him.

The RNID link rnid.org.uk/hearing-research/our-research-projects/hearing-loss-and-dementia-how-are-they-linked/

The statistics are quite shocking, mild hearing loss DOUBLES the risk of dementia, up to severe hearing loss being five times the risk.

I have a mother with hearing loss and dementia, it's very difficult but at least she is in the habit of wearing hearing aids before her memory got so bad, her friend who didn't have the habit became very isolated when dementia set in

We had about three years of having to shout in every conversation because she was deaf. She just said 'I'm 84, of course I'm bloomin' deaf'.

To cut a long story short, it turned out her hearing was actually fine and she'd just been living with about a decade's build-up of wax in there. Had her ears syringed. Had cracking hearing for the rest of her life. Pretty sure she could have heard a moth flapping its wings next door on the day she died.

My mum is already quite forgetful. She forgets appointments and also constantly misplaces her phone and wallet / handbag/ keys. It's stressful being around her because she's constantly freaking out about having lost something, but she doesn't actually lose stuff that often. Occasionally she does.. she just panics about it.

Bless her. I wonder if she's actually going to get dementia or not or if she already has some signs. But I'm not an expert.

You do have to get used to wearing hearing aids because they give you an artificial sort of sound. You say your mum can't understand you unless she lipreads: that won't change even with hearing aids. You will need to at least meet her halfway. 95% of the issues with hearing loss are around loss of communication. You have to learn to manage that, and it means that family and friends of the person with the hearing loss have to work at it too. It can be hard to accept your hearing isn't as sharp as it used to be because the first sounds that disappear are the high frequency ones - the sibilants - which are so important for understanding what someone else has said. Group situations or any situation with a lot of background noise are always going to be very difficult. If you are going to a pub, your mum will find it a lot easier to be outside in the garden than indoors with all the problems of acoustics, for example. Don't underestimate how tough it is for her I've had a hearing loss since my teens. In some ways I was lucky, because I didn't have a choice about wearing hearing aids from my early 20s, but it is still very isolating and cuts you off from people.

I don't underestimate that it's hard for her at all. She's found it so difficult since covid when people wore masks all the time. She also has problems understanding certain people more than others, I have noticed. I actually don't think it's a big enough problem for her yet though and that's why she is not doing anything about it herself yet. But I could be wrong. I just feel bad because I notice people talk to her differently, in a more simple way and she's excluded sometimes. I don't think she notices it, so perhaps I should just leave it alone.

I'm in my 60s now. Had an NHS aid about twenty years ago as was told l had lost my middle frequency in one ear.. Found it difficult to wear and it used to just amplify everything so sometimes worse than when not wearing it, so I gave up.

As has been said I spent a long time either guessing what was being said or just avoiding being part of the conversations. In noisy places I always gave up trying, so was isolating but my own fault.

I finally had had enough so in March this year I went to Boots for a hearing test.

Was shown my hearing results and both ears had issues.

Opted for a pair of rechargeable aids. They're brilliant. I have an app on my phone so can control the volume, set up different volumes for different situations. I used to always need subtitles or TV quite high. Now I just match my aids to the TV by Bluetooth and no need for subtitles anymore. Phone calls are clearer now and Teams calls on my laptop don't involve me almost leaning face down on my keyboard to hear what is being said😂 I can even go and make a cup of tea whilst still on the call.

They have made my AirPods slightly redundant now, though.

My husband is only 40 and is in desperate need for hearing aids. Luckily he agrees, i'm sympathic but even I'm fed up with the TV being turned up full blast. He's so isolated and can't hold a conversation as he just can't hear it enough and has discovered that people won't repeat themselves as they think he's being rude not nearly deaf.
It's made things quite difficult as he can't even hear his very young daughter cry. He's answered questions completely wrong as didn't hear it properly. Can't hear his phone ping, the door bell.
Apparently it's not just the case of getting hearing aids for him, so just waiting to see someone at the hospital, but as we've been waiting 2 years so far it's not going to happen anytime soon. I just want him to be able to hold a conversation with his daughter, he can't lip read her.

My iLs both suffer from significant hearing loss. He has a £1500 hearing aid but is too vain (at 88) to wear it, so puts it down in various places and loses it. She won't get a hearing aid. When we go round there the TV is blaring so loud that the room is shaking, telephone conversations are hopeless but we don't know what we can do.

Gosh it's so difficult isn't it. DM has some which she barely uses. I can't work out why as I know they improve things for her but she just doesn't seem to use them. It's infuriating. We just can't have a 'normal' conversation because she misses things and things have to be repeated. I don't wish to sound unsympathetic but I'm at a loss when she just doesn't use them.

I think I read that the risk of dementia increases something like 9% for someone with hearing loss. It's a higher risk factor than diet by some margin.
My MIL is quite deaf now and living in a care home because of her dementia and lack of mobility. She's had aids for many years but didn't really use them enough. She was present but unengaged with family life for quite a few years now. We have to write notes to communicate with her.

Oh MIL was just like this. We were starting to suspect early dementia because her comments in conversation just made no sense a lot of the time. She didn't turn the TV up crazy loud so it wasn't immediately obvious it was the ears.

Ultimately it took one of her friends getting hearing aids and raving about them before she was prepared to take the plunge. And she wouldn't wear the chunky NHS ones either, only the tiny private ones.

Unfortunately 2 years of not going out much due to Covid made her fall out of the habit of wearing them. We're having to nag her quite a bit about this because without them she can't hear her GC when they try to talk to her.

wow you're nice. Very understanding. Can I just point out that hearing aids will NOT restore her hearing to normal. It's not like glasses, they won't make an unclear sound sharp, only louder. So the problems of not understanding will remain. She may still need to lip read. Which is exhausting.

My dad started experiencing hearing loss 30 years ago and refused to get hearing aids, saying all sort of awful ableist slurs about the way they look at people who wear them. As his hearing got worse he eventually relented but said he would only get the best of the best of available devices. Spent £3k on a tiny digital hearing aid and binned it after an hour because "you can still see it".

He now has almost zero hearing. He says he gets along fine with lip reading but the reality is that he really doesn't and can't follow conversations at all. His eyesight is also deterioating so he can no longer follow subtitles on tv either. Every single word, phrase and sentence has to be repeated at increasing volume at least 6 or 7 times before he gets the gist but more often than not, he still fundamentally misunderstands what is being said. Plus he accuses us of shouting and getting angry with him. He can't join in conversations and has become withdrawn and isolated. My poor mum is at her wits end. He screams and roars at people - family, friends and strangers - because it's us that's at fault; we all mumble apparently and he can be quite verbally abusive about it. The worst is that he has no relationship with his grandchildren. They are 7 and 4 and, like all kids, tend to ramble and mumble incoherently with volume changing from a whisper to a squeal. He doesn't get angry with them but just ignores them and they've given up trying to talk to him about things which are important to them. It's really sad to see. He has, on occasion, gotten upset about not being close to them but if anyone suggests that he thinks about solving his hearing problem again, he'll bite their head off.

A couple of years ago he came to live with us for 6 weeks following an operation. We live in a terraced house and had daily complaints from the neighbours about the TV being turned up so loudly that their house was shaking along with ours. They had a newborn at the time.

Recently, his memory and his general behaviour has become worringly erratic. I'm pretty sure that he is sowing signs of dementia and I'm convinced this is linked to his hearing loss and isolation. Mum agrees but is terrified to get him tested. Says she doesn't want to face the reality of it.

So much trouble and heartache could have been avoided by seeking help for his hearing loss all those years ago. I, along with other family members, have no real relationship with him now. That probably makes me selfish and uncaring but care does not always travel in one direction.

Oh I feel your pain - my mum wont wear hers as they itch - she wont look at alternatives and gets cross when she can't hear us, we have to repeat ourselves etc

She also miss hears tone - so thinks we are being shirty and also miss hears us talking when she leaves the room and gets cross because she thinks we are bitching

I love her to bits but spending time with her is exhausting

Oh one thing actually. Is it normal if you have hearing loss to understand some people and others not so much ? It seems she finds some people easier to understand than others.

Oh, I understand this. My DM has a strong family history of dementia and had been doing everything to try and avoid it (diet, crosswords, staying active) EXCEPT wearing her bloody hearing aids! So so frustrating as the only person it really harmed was her. She kept saying they didn't do anything or just made everything louder, but wouldn't wear them consistently enough to adjust and get used to them. It was definitely also partially embarrassment, although they're pretty discreet.

Now she is actually in the early stages of dementia and if my dad can get her to wear them, she's constantly fiddling with them and breaking them / turning them off because she can't understand how they work any more. I've not had a proper conversation with my much loved Mum for five years now, and given the dementia I probably never will again and that SUCKS. I'm intending to get regular hearing checks from the age of 40 and hoping I don't become as stubborn as I agree.

So afraid I have no practical advice, but happy for this story to be shared as a warning...

A lot of older people refuse to wear hearing aids because of the past connotations associated with deafness.
Even in more recent times, people who needed to wear hearing aids were seen as stupid, mute etc.
Kids were bullied by other kids for having them, and in some instances, by their teachers too.
Don't be too hard on older people being reluctant to either admit that they have a hearing problem or refuse to wear aids.