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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask this hypothetical question: parent not accepting their child is gay.

103 replies

Perplexed0522 · 06/07/2022 14:55

I have a friend who I’ve known for about 6 years and although we live in different parts of the country now we still talk on the phone every few weeks and meet up once every few month.

Anyhow, over the last 6 or 7 months she’s been a little more withdrawn, just seeming like something was off but she kept denying it and saying things were fine. I didn’t push it as although we are still in touch regularly I wouldn’t class myself as being a close enough friend for her to automatically confide in if she were going through difficult times.

However, she phoned me this morning in tears and told me that about 9 months ago her son had told her he was gay (he’s 17) and although she is absolutely fine with it, her husband cannot cope with it and has basically stopped interacting with their son in any meaningful way. The DH has told my friend that he doesn’t know how to act around their son anymore and he doesn’t know what to say to him. The son still lives with them.

My friend had been hoping that his initial reaction was just that….an initial one that was due to shock and that as the days and weeks progressed he would be completely accepting of it. My friend says things are getting worse though, the atmosphere in the house is awful and that she can’t bear to see her son looking so upset about it all. She said her DH isn’t outrightly nasty to their son and is still polite to him and asks him how his day has been etc but she said her DH is struggling to hide how disappointed he seems to be.

It got me thinking about my own children and what I would do in a similar scenario and I just couldn’t envisage staying with a DH who was so unaccepting of our child.

I did ask if she felt she could stay with her DH and she then started getting angry with me, saying it’s not that easy and how dare I suggest she leave her marriage over this etc. I was a bit taken aback to be honest.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said it but it was just the first thing that came to mind as she was so upset when telling me she didn’t know if she could carry on living in that environment because of how it was affecting their son.

Was I unreasonable to ask her that? Maybe I did cross the line but it just seemed like the obvious question but then again maybe it is easy for me to say when it’s not me in the situation.

OP posts:

Maisa45 · 06/07/2022 14:59

Seems like a fair question to me.

Maytodecember · 06/07/2022 15:07

Reasonable question to ask. Problem is you don’t know what’s being said between your friend and her DH—- maybe he’s really harsh talking about throwing son out, disowning him, and she’s caught in the middle.
maybe just say you’re there for her if she wants to talk.

RatherBeRiding · 06/07/2022 15:14

Not unreasonable at all given that she had said she didn't know how she could carry on living in that environment - for the son's sake I hope he's off to uni or something soon.

redwaterbottle · 06/07/2022 15:16

I probably wouldn't have asked a friend that question so directly. I would've asked how they were going to proceed and go from there.

ChrissyShenkle · 06/07/2022 15:17

Husbands feet wouldn't be touching the floor on the way out if it was my son
She's just as bad allowing it, that poor boy, they're a disgrace

babyjellyfish · 06/07/2022 15:20

Someone in my family ended her marriage because her husband couldn't accept their son was gay.

Ponderingwindow · 06/07/2022 15:27

It’s a fair question, divorce would be under consideration, but she is right, it’s not that easy.

If he had blown up and gotten angry, kicking him out would have been the most obvious thing in the world.

in this scenario though, he is clearly trying. He isn’t doing anything actively wrong either. That doesn’t mean it’s not a huge problem because it is, but tearing apart a family might not be the best solution.

Perhaps he should start with personal counseling with a plan for eventually moving to family counseling with his son to help repair the damage he has done. All the while being open with his plan with his child that he knows he needs to do better.

it also might be that dad temporarily living elsewhere might be for the best so that the tension in the house is minimized and the teen has a safe space to come home to. That might not be what the teen wants though. Mom is going to have to talk to the teen. At 17, it’s a careful line to walk with placing too much responsibility on young shoulders, but also he is the one living this and his opinion should be taken into consideration.

creamwitheverything · 06/07/2022 15:29

I think if I could offer any advice I would remind her dh that the boy he has turned against is and always will be the same boy who he nursed through the night,who he saw off to school,who he cared and cherished at every point from birth until now,the same boy who he comforted,taught to play football,read with,cooked for ,bathed ,taught to be a good caring son with good morals and standards and a warm,caring ,happy,kind young man, That young man is still all those things and needs his father, My son came out 16 yrs ago and I had worries,fears and concerns ofcourse I did but not for me for my son. I wanted him to live in a fair,just,caring society where he would be appreciated,safe and free, I think your friend and her husband are letting their son down badly and they will loose him,maybe not now but one day if they are not careful. I understand the fear the dh may feel but surely his overwhelming priority should be towards the wellbeing and happiness of his son....they sound embarrassed but they need to get over themselves and support their child.

pointythings · 06/07/2022 15:40

It's a reasonable question to ask and it's also reasonable to say it isn't as easy as divorce (though for me it absolutely would have been - both my DDs are gay and for all my late husband's many faults that was never an issue for him).

Your friend does need to support her DS here and be firm with her DH that his behaviour isn't acceptable.

MarryMeTomHardy · 06/07/2022 15:44

I think its a fair question...
And for what it's worth, I couldn't stay with them if they didn't accept it, poor DS!

TempName01 · 06/07/2022 15:52

I wouldn’t stay with DH if he had that attitude but then I wouldn’t have chosen to have a child with someone like that. I can’t even understand why anyone needs to ‘come to terms’ with their child being gay.

Holymole · 06/07/2022 15:53

I would be asking her the same question.

Someone we know (friend of a friend) actually attacked his son when he told them he was gay. Five years later they're still (apparently happily) married. If that was my husband I'd have chucked him out and had him arrested to boot.

RedPlumbob · 06/07/2022 16:00

My ex doesn’t know our eldest daughter is a lesbian. He’s become a nasty bigot in recent years; he never was before.

She told me 5 years ago. I’ve met her girlfriend.

If we were still together and he reacted badly, he would be an ex almost immediately. If he reacts badly when she eventually tells him, he will still get short shrift from me.

It damages children and I feel fucking sorry for anyone who can’t accept their child’s sexuality; there are much, much bigger things to be worrying about when it comes to children.

TheGoogleMum · 06/07/2022 16:01

I dont think its entirely unreasonable to ask... but I reckon you asking her that when she has no intention of leaving him over it has made her feel more embarrassed about him, hence her overreactive angrily to you to deflect. I hope he comes to terms with it and realises this doesn't change who their son is.

psydrive · 07/07/2022 09:45

It's a good question. If her husband is making their son uncomfortable in his own home it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.

Dotjones · 07/07/2022 09:53

I think you were unreasonable to ask that question, she's got enough to worry about as it is. It sounds like the husband just doesn't know how to react to the situation - it's all well and good assuming you'd handle it better, but sometimes people genuinely don't know what to do. It's not as if he's ignoring the child, it sounds more like he's afraid of saying the wrong thing so choses to say little.

You don't say how your friend has tried to help her husband get used to their son being homosexual, or how she's challenged his behaviour. Why is that? Did you even ask? Or did you just think LTB?

Cyclebabble · 07/07/2022 09:55

Hi OP my son is gay. Neither me or DH had any issue with this, but it is hard for children to talk to their parents on these issues and it took DS some time. He was 19 before he came out. I volunteer with the AKT charity which supports young people made homeless when they come out. It is quite sad, but it happens a lot. I have had occasions where parents have assaulted DC or tried to find conversion therapy for them and kicking children out is common. I would have supported my child under these circumstances, but all marriages are not the same. In 2022 we like to think of our society as being liberal and tolerant. Well in my experience there is a long way to go.

Fairyliz · 07/07/2022 09:57

I think when people are this distressed they just want someone to listen to them and sympathise about how difficult it is. Any questions however well meant will be seen as an attack on her and a suggestion that she is at fault.
You have said you are not super close so it probably took a lot for her to tell you. Sorry op but unfortunately I think you were unreasonable in this case.

Philisophigal · 07/07/2022 09:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Harridance · 07/07/2022 10:02

I'd be cross with my friend for not supporting her son more

Mistlewoeandwhine · 07/07/2022 10:36

One of my kids seems to be leaning towards being gay. I’ve told him not to even bother ‘coming out’ to me as I couldn’t care less who my kids date/marry so long as they are happy. How can this stuff even be an issue in this day and age? Any parent who has a problem with their child being gay is a failure as a parent.

CheesyColeslaw · 07/07/2022 10:42

What exactly does the husband have to come to terms with? Can't imagine caring who my kids have sex with as long as it's safe and consensual. His sons still the same person. I'd leave him for being so weird about it.

Sally872 · 07/07/2022 10:55

I probably couldnt stay with dh in that scenario but would never ask that question. That is something i would wait for friend to bring up when/if ready rather than directly asking. Likely she is hoping it can be resolved before that point even if that is getring less likely as time goes on.

10HailMarys · 07/07/2022 10:58

I couldn't stay with someone who treated a child like that. But I assume she knew her husband was homophobic when she married him and had children with him. It's not like that's an attitude that just springs from nowhere. Basically, she only thinks homophobia is a problem when it affects her child, and was fine with it when it was only other people being treated like shit. Deep down she knows this, and that is why she lost her rag with you.

MusicForASushiRestaurant · 07/07/2022 11:07

I agree with @Mistlewoeandwhine

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