To ask this hypothetical question: parent not accepting their child is gay.

[Perplexed0522]

I have a friend who I’ve known for about 6 years and although we live in different parts of the country now we still talk on the phone every few weeks and meet up once every few month.

Anyhow, over the last 6 or 7 months she’s been a little more withdrawn, just seeming like something was off but she kept denying it and saying things were fine. I didn’t push it as although we are still in touch regularly I wouldn’t class myself as being a close enough friend for her to automatically confide in if she were going through difficult times.

However, she phoned me this morning in tears and told me that about 9 months ago her son had told her he was gay (he’s 17) and although she is absolutely fine with it, her husband cannot cope with it and has basically stopped interacting with their son in any meaningful way. The DH has told my friend that he doesn’t know how to act around their son anymore and he doesn’t know what to say to him. The son still lives with them.

My friend had been hoping that his initial reaction was just that….an initial one that was due to shock and that as the days and weeks progressed he would be completely accepting of it. My friend says things are getting worse though, the atmosphere in the house is awful and that she can’t bear to see her son looking so upset about it all. She said her DH isn’t outrightly nasty to their son and is still polite to him and asks him how his day has been etc but she said her DH is struggling to hide how disappointed he seems to be.

It got me thinking about my own children and what I would do in a similar scenario and I just couldn’t envisage staying with a DH who was so unaccepting of our child.

I did ask if she felt she could stay with her DH and she then started getting angry with me, saying it’s not that easy and how dare I suggest she leave her marriage over this etc. I was a bit taken aback to be honest.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said it but it was just the first thing that came to mind as she was so upset when telling me she didn’t know if she could carry on living in that environment because of how it was affecting their son.

Was I unreasonable to ask her that? Maybe I did cross the line but it just seemed like the obvious question but then again maybe it is easy for me to say when it’s not me in the situation.

Your poor friend. We have 2 DDs and the oldest one is gay. I had no idea before she told me, she'd had "boyfriends" at Primary School, so I was surprised, but at no point were DH and I anything but accepting. She told me later that her biggest concern was that things would change, and we would treat her differently - which of course, we would never do. These days, I can't believe we had no idea - she's as gay as they day is long!

How you feel about having a gay child is surely something you might discuss your opinions on as a couple at some stage? Like talking about how you'd like them to be educated, or what religion you want to bring them up in? If your friend's DH has always been accepting of gay people before now, but can't accept his own son, then she must feel like she never knew him at all. I completely understand you asking her if they were staying together, in her shoes I would be considering if I could continue to subject my child to this level of unhappiness in their own home. I do hope that your friend will come to understand that your question came from a place of compassion and that she will continue to feel able to confide in you and rely on your support as you sound like a good friend.

I wouldn't stay with someone who treated my child or anyone differently because they were gay.

Because that damages the child even more. He must see at least his mum 100% backing him.

Yes you're right, gay people can be happy in a normal, happy and fulfilling relationship with someone of the same sex. That's what you mean right?

Tricky. Dad still asks him how his day is? So they are still talking daily?

Quite a direct question, and she’s probably still in a tizz about it all… it’s early days. Hopefully he comes round a bit because the reality is she may actually have to choose between them.

Just to be clear, are you saying people would be happy in a straight relationship, and that gay relationships are erroneous and abnormal?

Its not a choice to experience attraction to certain others, but its certainly a choice to act on it or not.

I am married, but (like everyone) at times I encounter other women whom I find attractive - that doesn't mean I MUST sleep with them. Of course not. Heterosexuality, not homosexuality, is fundamental human nature - as every human body testifies.

And so I believe that even if someone did experience same sex attraction, (which is ultimately erroneous), they are still capable of forming a successful normal relationship and would no doubt be happier and more fulfilled in the long run.*

(I dont use that word as a slur, but rather I mean a relationship which is in full accord with the form and function of our bodies, and which reflects human nature and the natural complimentary & balance required in human relationships).*

😳😳😳

Blimey.

I doubt my friend’s DH would even think this!

That question was to @EagleThrustSeven btw

I can’t imagine experiencing disappointment at finding out my baby was a girl/boy when I really wanted the other but people do and they aren’t awful people who hate women/men. I also think if you’ve felt awkward initially after finding out something unexpected about your child it might be hard to get back to making things feel normal and comfortable between the family members again. I’d have probably suggested some ideas to mediate before jumping to can you stay with your husband and I can see why she’s upset at the question. Part of it is probably a fear it will come to that and really not wanting it to

@EagleThrustSeven , you're coming across as rather homophobic.

"that their child says they are gay" what an odd way to phrase it, it's not that their child says that they are gay, it's that they are gay.

"There are many instances where parents do not like various aspects of their adult children's lifestyle or choices, this is no different" being gay is neither a lifestyle or a choice, which I'm sure you are well aware of.

Oh, never mind @EagleThrustSeven , your subsequent post has made it clear that you are in fact extremely homophobic. What a fucking disgusting post.

The problem is there's no such thing as neutral in this kind of situation, you either support your child or you leave them to deal with it with no support. I don't know if therapy can even help someone like OP's husband, or improve their relationship; but if he refused to even try that would be a marriage breaker for me.

@EagleThrustSeven thank you for making it so very clear what manner of person you are.

Sadly I'm not shocked that people like you are still around in 2022.

I think some are you a very harsh. In some cultures, someone being gay is very upon and it has only been recently that we have come to accept people who are gay (but we have a long way to go). The DH is coming to terms with it and seems like he is trying. But I'm an odd way, he is probably grieving for a son that he wish he had hoped to be.

Op I'd say maybe that you'd touched a nerve for her to react like that and perhaps she'd already had exactly that thought.

Eaglethrust7, how can you possibly speak for other parents, when you say few people would be delighted to find out their child was gay? Have you done a poll?

Even if your child is straight it doesn’t mean that they will marry or have a relationship at all, or they could meet someone awful or abusive, they could have several unsuccessful marriages!

I must admit I will be disappointed if neither of my DC have children but that could be the case if they gay/straight/bi and I wouldn’t be disappointed in THEM it would just be nice to have grandkids one day.

See, I just don’t get this. Even for an older generation (which parents of a 17 & 24 year old probably aren’t!) I find this baffling. Within all my hopes and aspirations for my DC, the sex of any person they choose to pursue relationships with is just not on the radar. I hope they are happy, safe, loved, fulfilled, inquisitive, kind, etc. I’ve never hoped that they would be heterosexual.

A 14 year old, obviously

In what way was it disgusting, your lack of examples is stark?

It wasn't disgusting, it was honest and expressed in a temperate and respectful manner.

Mods - could you please explain why my post at 13.15 was removed?

It did not breach the rules in any way.

Did it fall foul of the mentioned policy of just removing things because someone doesn't like it?

If so, I do not think that is very conducive to a full, frank (and respectful) discussion.

Well if you don't know any they obviously don't exist 🙄A sample size of a handful of gay men who you somehow know the entire relationship history of.