To ask this hypothetical question: parent not accepting their child is gay.

[Perplexed0522]

I have a friend who I’ve known for about 6 years and although we live in different parts of the country now we still talk on the phone every few weeks and meet up once every few month.

Anyhow, over the last 6 or 7 months she’s been a little more withdrawn, just seeming like something was off but she kept denying it and saying things were fine. I didn’t push it as although we are still in touch regularly I wouldn’t class myself as being a close enough friend for her to automatically confide in if she were going through difficult times.

However, she phoned me this morning in tears and told me that about 9 months ago her son had told her he was gay (he’s 17) and although she is absolutely fine with it, her husband cannot cope with it and has basically stopped interacting with their son in any meaningful way. The DH has told my friend that he doesn’t know how to act around their son anymore and he doesn’t know what to say to him. The son still lives with them.

My friend had been hoping that his initial reaction was just that….an initial one that was due to shock and that as the days and weeks progressed he would be completely accepting of it. My friend says things are getting worse though, the atmosphere in the house is awful and that she can’t bear to see her son looking so upset about it all. She said her DH isn’t outrightly nasty to their son and is still polite to him and asks him how his day has been etc but she said her DH is struggling to hide how disappointed he seems to be.

It got me thinking about my own children and what I would do in a similar scenario and I just couldn’t envisage staying with a DH who was so unaccepting of our child.

I did ask if she felt she could stay with her DH and she then started getting angry with me, saying it’s not that easy and how dare I suggest she leave her marriage over this etc. I was a bit taken aback to be honest.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said it but it was just the first thing that came to mind as she was so upset when telling me she didn’t know if she could carry on living in that environment because of how it was affecting their son.

Was I unreasonable to ask her that? Maybe I did cross the line but it just seemed like the obvious question but then again maybe it is easy for me to say when it’s not me in the situation.

Agree with pps, if you start saying things like that she feels she has to defend him.

let her reach that conclusion for herself and support her if thats what she chooses.

you’re right though. She should have stood by her kid and not allowed him to be treated badly in his childhood home for being himself. Poor kid.

I know of a family in a similar situation in that the daughter married a man who is black. Her dad refused to meet the man when they first began dating and completely disowned her when they got engaged. The mum used to complain bitterly about it how much she missed her daughter, has never met her grandchildren etc but when I've asked why she doesn't just go against her husband, she'll say actually deep down she agrees with him.

It's bizarre and I can't say I understand it at all. They're literally living a life of misery, missing their daughter terribly and desperate to meet their grandkids, but they can't see that it's entirely of their own making. What's sad to me though is, through no fault of her own, it's also made the daughter unhappy as she also misses her parents and can't understand them acting in such a way.

I think the question was unreasonable and perhaps shows how disposable people regard marriages as being these days.

Successful marriages take hard work and can be difficult at times. The divorce rate is not surprising given how keen some people are to chuck it all away at the first sign of difficulty.

I expect few people will be absolutely delighted to learn that their child says they are gay and, yes, some people will be shocked, disappointed or even just require some time to come to terms with things. These are all wholly natural responses.

"Coming out" is portrayed as difficult, but it can also be difficult for those receiving the news (especially if they had no inkling of the situation).

There is some contradiction in the OP also. At first it says the father had stopped interacting with his son "in any meaningful way" but then goes on to say he expresses interest in how his son's day was etc.

So, even if he is understandably finding the situation difficult, he is making an effort to maintain a relationship with his son and obviously cares about him.

I daresay things will improve with time - of course, for that to happen, time must be granted and that wont be the case if the women is rushing to leave her husband at the drop of a hat.

And to be honest, the continuing solidity of the marriage is - imo - of far more importance than a man being over the moon about his son being gay.

Probably he will never be over the moon about it, but that does not mean that they cannot still have a successful father-son relationship.

There are many instances where parents do not like various aspects of their adult children's lifestyle or choices, this is no different.

I think coming out is part of a process that helps kids establish their identity so for some it's an important rite of passage

Honestly I'd be shaming my partner until he left of his own accord if he was ever 'disappointed' in my child being gay.

I know of a family whose son was trans. We live in a very small minded community where to be "different" just isn't acceptable to some people.
The father just couldn't accept his son's decision and totally shut him out of his life. A few years later the son committed suicide and the father's health has gone downhill rapidly.

Totally unreasonable to start making judgements about her marriage. She came to you for moral support, not to hear your advice on giving up her marriage, as if it was of little importance - what would that solve anyway, would it suddenly improve the boy's relationship with his father? Because he would still be his father, divorce or not.

Thank you everyone for your replies. M

I only asked her if she could stay with her DH as she had already told me she didn’t think she could stay living in such an awful environment. I took that to mean she wanted to leave the home and presumably take their son with her.

There’s absolutely no way I would have questioned her marriage if she hadn’t have bought up the subject of wanting to leave herself.

I got the impression she’s stuck in limbo as her DH isn’t outwardly being nasty or anything like that to their son, but she can’t face the thought of making her son live in a home with a parent who is clearly not happy with who their child has turned out to be. She doesn’t want her son to be ashamed of the fact he is gay and fears that DH’s attitude is starting to make him feel that way.

My friend wouldn’t have told me she didn’t think she could live in that environment anymore unless things were really bad.

Is he their only child?

tbh I think you were entirely unreasonable to ask. You don’t know what’s actually being said. She might be saying she supports her son and at the same time be sharing concerns over not having grandchildren, a dramatic change in the future they had envisioned. They might benefit from some family counselling. I would be trying to support them as a family to work their way through this.

as unpopular an opinion as this is, a child coming out as gay can cause a grief like response in some parents, esp if it dramatically alters the future they envisioned, and as in all cases of grief people respond differently and at different rates.

yes the son deserves unwavering support but the family as a whole need support because they need each other

To the poster who asked, they have another son who is almost 14.

Being gay is neither a lifestyle not a choice. And treating his son different for being gay would be a dralbreaker in many relationships.

as unpopular an opinion as this is, a child coming out as gay can cause a grief like response in some parents, esp if it dramatically alters the future they envisioned, and as in all cases of grief people respond differently and at different rates.

No, just no. If my dh felt any kind of grief or disappointment because one of our kids was gay I would be disgusted. Their sexuality is one small aspect of who they are. I wouldn’t stay married to a bigot.

If they turned out to be abusive, or unkind on the other hand I would be extremely upset and would certainly grieve.

I would leave my husband in these circumstances - I will always prioritise my dc (he is their dad) - I love them a lot more than I love him and if he did anything to hurt them he’d he gone in a flash. I do love him of course, but dc significantly more important - think it must be evolutionary/instinct as it’s a strong feeling!

@OMG12 I agree with your grief sentiment and friends in this situation have expressed something similar.ie, when their son came out as gay, they had to re-set their framework. The traditional marriage, kids, etc would not be happening, and instead, they’ll have to welcome a boyfriend down the line, instead of daughter-in-law. It’s a path they hadn’t envisaged as taking. Some people can take time to adjust to the new status quo.

What is there to get used to? Just because he's gay doesn't mean anything materially changes. And yes I think I can confidently say I'd handle in better than the DH.

No, just no. If my dh felt any kind of grief or disappointment because one of our kids was gay I would be disgusted. Their sexuality is one small aspect of who they are. I wouldn’t stay married to a bigot.

This is how I feel too. I just can’t imagine how a loving parent could turn against their child, the same child they’ve loved and raised since they were a baby, simply because they were gay. How can a parent be ashamed of or disappointed in their child just because they’re gay? They are exactly the same child they’ve raised for many, many years…..being gay doesn’t change anything about the kind of person they are.

I just can’t get my head around it.

If I was in this situation then my child’s happiness would always come before my marriage and if that meant walking away from my husband because of how he treated our son then so be it.

I can't imagine ever thinking less of my son because he was gay.
I can't imagine living with someone who couldn't accept it.
What is the father doing about it - is all the blame being heaped on the son or is his father going to counselling to sort his head out.
My bet is on the father doing absolutely nothing and going around with a face like a boot making the whole family suffer.

Sometimes it is best not to ask the first thing that comes to mind. I imagine she is having an absolutely awful time of it. I agree with @redwaterbottle'S approach it seems much more supportive.

You really can’t see how a lot of the future the parents have envisaged has just been turned on it’s head, of course things have very materially changed, some people adapt to change better than others.

Him potentially having a husband rather than a wife at some point in the (likely far) future is hardly the future being turned on it's head. Not something to make your child feel ashamed over.

When it's a gay son rather than a lesbian daughter, it significantly reduces the likelihood of grandchildren.

But then, there's no guarantee of grandchildren anyway.

And by nothing material has changed I mean he is still the same person he was the day before he came out. OP says the man doesn't know how to act around his son, why does he need to act any differently?

Dh and I had this conversation about ds. Pre ds I think we both would have probably be devastated and unacceptable. Now, as long as he is happy we could care less about his choice. I think along the way, we educated ourselves and love our child so much that we don't see him as someone we feel we control or have that much of a say in his life with regards to who he chooses as his partner or his preferences. It's his life to live, and our job is to support him. ĺ

It's a fair question.
My father 'disowned' me for being in a mixed race relationship, though due to abuse I want nothing to do with him anyway.
My mother acts like nothing is wrong whatsoever except to play the victim and act as though she's in the middle.
I have so little respect for her particularly when she talks about him to my mixed race children who will never meet him and know the full circumstances.
Her close friends tell me how I should feel sorry for her in the situation she's in.
I don't know how anyone could have respect for someone treating their child like that and not supporting them in being the person they truly are, my children come first in everything and I'd have no respect for her.