To ask this hypothetical question: parent not accepting their child is gay.

[Perplexed0522]

I have a friend who I’ve known for about 6 years and although we live in different parts of the country now we still talk on the phone every few weeks and meet up once every few month.

Anyhow, over the last 6 or 7 months she’s been a little more withdrawn, just seeming like something was off but she kept denying it and saying things were fine. I didn’t push it as although we are still in touch regularly I wouldn’t class myself as being a close enough friend for her to automatically confide in if she were going through difficult times.

However, she phoned me this morning in tears and told me that about 9 months ago her son had told her he was gay (he’s 17) and although she is absolutely fine with it, her husband cannot cope with it and has basically stopped interacting with their son in any meaningful way. The DH has told my friend that he doesn’t know how to act around their son anymore and he doesn’t know what to say to him. The son still lives with them.

My friend had been hoping that his initial reaction was just that….an initial one that was due to shock and that as the days and weeks progressed he would be completely accepting of it. My friend says things are getting worse though, the atmosphere in the house is awful and that she can’t bear to see her son looking so upset about it all. She said her DH isn’t outrightly nasty to their son and is still polite to him and asks him how his day has been etc but she said her DH is struggling to hide how disappointed he seems to be.

It got me thinking about my own children and what I would do in a similar scenario and I just couldn’t envisage staying with a DH who was so unaccepting of our child.

I did ask if she felt she could stay with her DH and she then started getting angry with me, saying it’s not that easy and how dare I suggest she leave her marriage over this etc. I was a bit taken aback to be honest.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said it but it was just the first thing that came to mind as she was so upset when telling me she didn’t know if she could carry on living in that environment because of how it was affecting their son.

Was I unreasonable to ask her that? Maybe I did cross the line but it just seemed like the obvious question but then again maybe it is easy for me to say when it’s not me in the situation.

I'd say the way you called gay people abnormal and erroneous is rather foul.

I mean to say gay people here. It seemed that @EagleThrustSeven is saying that gay people would be happier in straight relationships than gay ones, or did I read that wrong?

Monogamy in heterosexual relationships is not "fundamental human nature" it's a social construct. In fact it would be beneficial for evolution for males to not be monogamous.

So you can stop spouting crap about homosexual relationships not being as fulfilling as heterosexual relationships because they're not "fundamental human nature"

Well I believe I made that clear in my post. Being gay is not a lifestyle nor a choice, to say it is, is homophobic.

You might want to actually email them rather than hope one of them happens across this.

Well I didn't think examples were needed. The whole post was homophobic. You are clearly being deliberately disingenuous, I don't believe for a moment that you don't know what I'm referring to. But if you need me to spell it out, suggesting gay people shouldn't 'act on it', referring to being attracted to the same sex as 'erroneous', referring to only heterosexual relationships as being 'successful' and 'normal', and suggesting that gay people would be much happier in hetero relationships if only they tried. For a start. Disgusting. You absolutely know that. I'm not sure if you're just on the wind up, or if you actually believe the offensive nonsense you're spouting, but I am quite confident in calling it disgusting and homophobic.

Exactly, @psydrive

Yes I'm sure you're surrounded by gay men who are eager to tell you about their sex lives.

And it'd likely you know more than one lesbian, they just me be reluctant to reveal their sexual orientation to someone like you.

It might be “no just no” for you but that doesn’t mean everyone would have the same reaction as you. People control grief. We all like to think how we would react in certain situations but until we are there we don’t know, emotions are very often unexpected.

in these circumstances what every member of that family needs is support to come to terms with this. No one has the right to tell the dad not to grieve, it’s what is happened. Grief does not necessarily make this dad a bigot, he is just coming to terms with a big change. He not being nasty or abusive he’s just upset.

there’s a massive pressure on families of people coming out to react in a certain way -waving flags. Even wives and kids. But like it or not other people will be affected by this, peoples own hopes and dreams are tied to their kids.

this whole family needs support to pull together. This will have given rise to many different emotions and everyone has the right to their own emotions and support managing them. I always find it very bizarre the whole think like me cos I’m a liberal attitude

You keep saying grief. His son is not dead. He hasn't lost anything. He still has a future ahead of him, likely a very similar future to if he was straight. I don't see anyone of this thread thinking that the dad should be waving flags, just that he should treat his son any different. Being gay is not a positive or a negative thing.

You seem to have very little sympathy for the boy who is likely feeling rejected by his own father and unwelcome in his own home.

Your poor friend's DS. Even if DH comes round DS will always remember how DH made him feel.

Always sobering when the articulate homophobes crawl into these threads with their disingenuous faux-naivety. Heartened to see @EagleThrustSeven be called out.

fwiw, I could imagine asking that question & other person not getting angry at me. Or not persisting in being furious. I suspect I'm pretty good at hearing people out even when I don't agree with their decisions.

Suspecting the problem is in OP's tone not the actual question.

Some people take marriage very seriously ,holy sacrament. At least as much commitment as being a parent. Not me, but... I don't think it's that unusual a view.

I find it very hard to believe that anyone raising children in the 21st century has never considered the possibility that they are gay!! Perhaps they are grieving their lack of imagination - it certainly suggests that they haven't really given their child much thought over the years if they've never wondered what their life will be like beyond a fairly simplistic version of what constitutes a family.

I have sympathy for everyone affected by this, which like it or not includes the father. You do realise that grief response can arise in many other situations than literal death don’t you?

at times like these the whole family needs support. If the view of a future with his son was with a wife and his first grandchild and all that held was very important to the father then of course he has lost something as this is no longer a real possibility.

as a friend I would be looking to understand everyone’s response to support them all to keep them together rather than help drive a further wedge. This is the problem with society these days people rush to vilify others who think differently rather than seeking to understand. It’s sad.

Alot of what omg says is my friend’s experience. One way she described it was using a football analogy. Ie. The family are traditionally Man U supporters, but Little Joey as come out as a Man City supporter. Little Joey is exactly the same as before, but also different, with a different outlook on life, which the whole family have to adjust too. They don’t love him any less, because he supports a different team, but have to get used to him wearing blue instead of red.

@Riverlee that's actually a really poor analogy because supporting a particular football team is a choice. Being gay isn't. As a parent you are supposed to love unconditionally and you'd have to be very naive or closed-minded not to have thought about the possibility that your child might be gay. It's the 21st century.

I could never stay with anyone with that mind frame. Wouldn't want to embarrass him when I'm waving my flag at Pride would I.

An obsessive football supporting dad who couldn't accept another team would also be ridiculous. Intolerance is problematic.

Poor kid.
There is a woman in my friendship group who's husband is incredibly homophobic, someone once made a comment about her son in his 20s possibly being gay & her response was "well if he is we'll never know as DP has made it very clear he would disown him if he was"
I've never lost all respect for a person so quickly, I don't know how someone could have kids with someone so vile, let alone tell people about it!

That’s awful, but isn’t what has happened here.

17 is a tricky time for boys.
We have 3 sons.
All have a great relationship with their dad.
But there was a period when the younger 2 were 17 (at different times) when their father just couldn't relate ti them and it was a different time with very little communication.
But it didn't last long (the kids matured)
Give it time.
A year from now they could be as close as ever.
I've seen it happen- twice.
So just bide your time and give your dh time to adjust.
They are talking.
That's very encouraging
Just get on with your life and be happy. Be the mood setter

And what if your gay child didn’t want you waving a flag at pride using their sexuality to get a good photo for social media? I’m always amazed on these threads how people think dynamics between different people work but helps explain the very high rates of divorce.

I worked with a woman who, due to her religion, disowned her 19yo son when he came out, and hasn't seen him since. Nor has the boy's father. However, the younger brother and sister left the religion as soon as they were 18, and have a close bond with their older brother and his husband. They too, have been disowned.

I tried asking her once, how the hell she could cut all contact with her child, and she looked at me and said I would never understand that she had no choice, because I wasn't of the same religion.

I was and still am horrified.

So not accepting of gay child = understandable grief, accepting = using them for likes. I really hope you never have a gay child.

This pretty much sums it up for me 😅