Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to my son in additional after school care when I’m at home anyway?

107 replies

KarokeandGin · 05/07/2022 16:38

My children are 4, 2 &1. I work 4 days a week and when my son starts school in September he’ll go to breakfast and after school club twice a week. The rest of the drop offs/pick ups will be managed by myself, my husband and my mum.

On my day off I have the 2 & 1 year old at home. When he gets back from pre school I find it so hard as he never listens or does what he’s told and is constantly annoying/ harassing/ hurting the younger two. I dread the time and just count down the time until my husband is home at 6. One on one he is a dream and his pre school reports are that generally he is well behaved.

would I be unreasonable to put him in after school club on my day off time avoid having all three at once? Or would this be too much (I know lots of children do lots more but it’s different when it’s needed to facilitate a working parent)? It feels ridiculous that I’m struggling with a couple of hours a week when plenty of other people can manage.

OP posts:
Iamatbrakingpointyouknow · 05/07/2022 22:18

I think that perhaps the best way is to arrange for someone to look after your younger children, and spend a couple of days a week just with you and your son. He probably feels jealous of the others and is too young to express this appropriately. I think one to one time with him will work wonders for both of you.

amigreedytowantmore · 05/07/2022 22:23

It's sad that the siblings don't seem to have a lot of time together though if you say you can't cope with them all together for a period of time and your family categorically won't have them as a 3 some and they get split even then? I wonder if this is contributing to the eldests behaviour towards the siblings as i imagine when you say "your mum takes 2 and sister takes 1" it's the eldest always left on his own?

I really think you need to address that. I have 3, two of which are twins which yes does put off a lot of offers of childcare admittedly, but no way would I split the eldest off separately as I think it creates a very obvious physical divide. It's not like your eldest has a large age gap to the next child and so would be happier doing different things.

Sometimeswinning · 05/07/2022 22:30

SunflowerGardens · 05/07/2022 19:16

You have 3 kids under 5, do what you need to do to survive! Do you think a man would torture himself with guilt over sending his kid to afterschools a couple of days a week to make life easier?

Yep! Agree with this.

I'm not sure why people think you should suffer it out! It doesn't sound like anyone is enjoying this time, so try it out, it maybe the perfect solution!

berksandbeyond · 06/07/2022 06:13

YABU. This is the choice you make when you have 3 kids and it's not fair on him that he is now pushed out.

Darbs76 · 06/07/2022 06:23

Do it if it makes your life easier until they are a little older. Ignore the negative comments, you’re not a bad parent or favouring some children over others. They all get 1-2-1 time with you. You can review it in a years time. It’s not easy when they are little and you have 3, as you say no medals given for managing it

artisanbread · 06/07/2022 06:25

I have used after-school club for at least three days a week since my DC started school as I work outside the home so I don't have an issue with them. However, I wouldn't send one there if I was at home. My DC always preferred coming home rather than going to ASC. Unless I'm reading this wrong, and assuming your DH is around at weekends, it's only a couple of hours a week you have all three alone? It must be hard work with three all the same age but you'll have had time with the other two all day.

PeanutButterOnToad · 06/07/2022 06:28

I would book him in and see how it goes, if he really hates it maybe reconsider, if he enjoys it why not. My eldest loved ASC until he was around 9 and was more than happy to go, he saw it as a chance to keep playing with his mates. I often didn’t “need” him to go for different reasons to yours but he wanted to. As someone who had three kids with five years between each I have always openly said that I think I would really have struggled with kids closer together so you will get no judgement from me.

Original poster
KarokeandGin · 06/07/2022 06:31

Thank you everyone for your comments, suggestions and support. Lots to think about and I will consider both sides, thank you

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 06/07/2022 06:41

If its something he enjoys, fine.
If you just want him out the way because hes a pest, you are being unfair.

MRex · 06/07/2022 06:49

I think it's really long days for him with breakfast club too, but you need to organize your life the way that suits you. Having multiple children involves a lot of compromise, and if you feel the couple of hours once a week alone time is enough then that's fine. It would be good to try to improve the relationship between the children, but after school when he's exhausted wanting rest and hugs isn't that time. Work on how they play together at the weekend, and talk to him about what he wants.

JacktomyDaniel · 06/07/2022 06:49

You do what you need to do. I love my kids with all my heart but had very bad ongoing post natal depression and used to intentionally work late to cut down the time I was home. Obviously this sounds horrendous but it was a survival strategy and not one that I'd recommend. If psychologically it makes you feel calmer and more positive/in control then absolutely use the ASC. He's likely to have friends there, it's much more relaxed than school and it's only for a couple of hours. One day you'll look back and realise he didn't suffer and you didn't panic and everything is okay.
So long as he isn't unhappy there then there's no harm can come.

Bwix · 06/07/2022 07:06

OP I know what it's like to have 3 under 5 Brew.

You do what allows you to be the parent you want to be. It's relentless sometimes and if using the after-school club for an hour means that you can devote attention to the little two and prepare dinner in a calm environment then go for it. It's also a decision you can change if it doesn't work for you. You sound like you're trying to do the best thing for all three children, and I'm sure things will get easier when they're not so little.

Waterdropsdown · 06/07/2022 07:16

I think you wait and see how he gets on with after school and breakfast club. I planned for mine to do 2 days. One of them hated it. Went to one day a week and they are doing ok with it but still check quite a lot that it’s not an after school club day.

NotthatKindofpickle · 06/07/2022 07:23

I have two and evenings are madness. I can't imagine dealing with 3 kids under 5.

I don't think it's such a bad idea if it saves your sanity. Just make sure you spend quality time together some other day.

Bunnycat101 · 06/07/2022 07:24

If you’d asked were you unreasonable to use after school club for 3 days a week no-one would bat an eyelid. Like another poster said, with 3 under 5 do what you can to survive. The only thing I’d say though is you might not want a full session but an hour could be quite helpful to give you a bit more breathing space and time for naps for the younger two. I found it hard waking up my youngest from her nap to do school run on my non working days.

The only thing I would say is fitting in the daily reading can be a challenge- if you’ve got the choice I wouldn’t leave him in the full session as then you’d be trying to cram in dinner, reading etc while doing bedtime for 3 and that would probably increase your stress not reduce it.

clpsmum · 06/07/2022 07:26

Aquamarine1029 · 05/07/2022 16:48

I think you should be finding solutions for his behaviour, not pushing him out which he will cotton on to.

This tbh. It's hard work but you need to find a way to cope with all three of them

SD1978 · 06/07/2022 07:26

Making him have an extra long school day because it's more convenient to you to only parent the younger two on your own is a bit crap for him, and will just make him exhausted when he doesn't need to be

Stompythedinosaur · 06/07/2022 07:30

Reception is tiring, and poor behaviour when reception kids get home is common. Making his school day longer unnecessarily doesn't seem like the right answer to me.

Classicblunder · 06/07/2022 07:34

It's a couple of hours a week, it won't kill him, some posters are catastrophising.

I do one pick up a week and had the idea it was going to be this lovely time but my reception age child is so grumpy after school! I have found for what it's worth that the way forward for now is to feed him dinner speedily - at like 3:45/4pm which feel ridiculous - and let him have some telly time and then he is back to being human by 4:30/5

C8H10N4O2 · 06/07/2022 07:54

KarokeandGin · 05/07/2022 17:51

How does it show favouritism? I have after school alone with him when the other two are at nursery one day a week.

i have no regrets about having 3 children, but if someone on an Internet forum asks you why you had 3 when you’re struggling with them I don’t think it’s unfair to tell the truth.

Show quote history

Honestly just ignore nonsense like this and also comments about "if a man says this" - we don't live in an equal society so comparisons are irrelevant.

Mine are all close together unless people have wrangled three or four under five they have no idea of the dynamics. The eldest often does struggle a bit as they are still babies, dealing with the others.

If he enjoys after school club then go for it. Otherwise lowering expectations - making it movie night with his favourite after school tea might be the way to go. Keep it simple. Would he demonstrate to the younger ones what he can do from pre-school or is it just he wants you to himself?

The other point is sometimes when the eldest is in this situation they behave differently for the other parent - if that is the case then just go with the flow. You are working outside the home, you are ensuring he gets a night a week to himself. I think you should stop beating yourself up. This stage does pass and you do whatever you need to get make it work. I agree with PP that full time school will tire him out more so he may be less wired than after pre school.

GlassTable · 06/07/2022 07:54

I don't see anything wrong with it and have done it myself. I had 3 under 5 at one point and was working full time but logistics allowed a couple of opportunities a week to tweak pick up times from nursery and school so as to give me a little breathing space by just having 2 in the house. I can't see anything wrong with this at all.

LittleBearPad · 06/07/2022 07:59

Reception is very tiring. It seems unfair to make him stay afterwards if he doesn’t really need to.

Marvellousmadness · 06/07/2022 07:59

The poor thing
Your other kids will "kick off " as well after school op. This is what kids do. And then you parent them. Or are you going to handball them all off to after school care cuz you can't be bothered...?

Also keep in mind he might even be MORE tired and more "kicking off" as his days will have been crazy long.

GetThatHelmetOn · 06/07/2022 08:01

How are you yourself OP? Are you well supported by your OH? Does he help with house chores and the kids on a 50/50 basis? If not, I would send the three away for the day so I could catch up with house chores, admin and myself for a bit once a week.

You are a better parent when you are not exhausted and your well-being is as important as that of your children or even more because you are the one keeping the family afloat.

SheWoreYellow · 06/07/2022 08:12

Having had the same age gaps I’m wondering how you’re going to manage school holidays etc if you struggle with the three? It would probably be best if you could work out how to look after all three of them.
Are you trying to do too much while looking after them? I remember chopping broccoli seeming impossible while looking after them, for example, we had a lot of frozen peas. They’d have screen time at 4.30 so I could cook dinner for five. Even then they were still fighting and climbing up my legs, so it would be something really simple like bacon and cream pasta or spag bol from the freezer.
That’s a bit long, but I mean to say can we help you work out how to make it a bit more manageable?
Any cheats for the eldest? I had to put mine in the bath sometimes for example, but he was more like six by then.

Swipe left for the next trending thread