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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to my son in additional after school care when I’m at home anyway?

107 replies

KarokeandGin · 05/07/2022 16:38

My children are 4, 2 &1. I work 4 days a week and when my son starts school in September he’ll go to breakfast and after school club twice a week. The rest of the drop offs/pick ups will be managed by myself, my husband and my mum.

On my day off I have the 2 & 1 year old at home. When he gets back from pre school I find it so hard as he never listens or does what he’s told and is constantly annoying/ harassing/ hurting the younger two. I dread the time and just count down the time until my husband is home at 6. One on one he is a dream and his pre school reports are that generally he is well behaved.

would I be unreasonable to put him in after school club on my day off time avoid having all three at once? Or would this be too much (I know lots of children do lots more but it’s different when it’s needed to facilitate a working parent)? It feels ridiculous that I’m struggling with a couple of hours a week when plenty of other people can manage.

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/07/2022 18:12

If he likes it then I'd do it, don't know why people always trot out the you'll never get this time back rubbish .

I really don't miss those couple of hours between dinner and bed, much prefer it now they are all older !

MojoJojo71 · 05/07/2022 18:13

I’d do it. He’ll be fine playing with friends at after school club.

So this way you’ll have one day where he gets you all to himself while the others are at nursery and one day when you have the younger ones while he is at after school club. Seems reasonable to me.

wouldthatbeworse · 05/07/2022 18:23

OP I think some of these posters have confused a couple hours playing at ASC with sending him to boarding school aged 4.

how is it so important to these posters that the young child is available for play dates when he could be playing with loads of peers on neutral turf?

Mamai90 · 05/07/2022 18:29

Jesus, people are really being harsh here. OP, don't let these lot make you feel like a bad parent. It's absolutely fine as long as he's happy.

LemonadeSunshine · 05/07/2022 18:41

Not at all unreasonable if you can afford it. Mine loves the after school club, resources which we don't have at home, such as craft, ICT and playground equipment, chance to play with school friends without having to arrange a playdate, and snack so not starving.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/07/2022 18:42

What happens on the days your folks have them? Do they have all three?

ramarama · 05/07/2022 18:47

The main question is whether he enjoys after school care or dislikes it - that will determine whether he will feel unhappy about it. Kids are adaptable and he will likely see it as an extension of his school day, it's adults who read too much into it as 'pushing him away'

OP do whatever works in the short term for your family.
It's not doing anyone any good to play the martyr if it means all four of you end up stressed. Try it for a few months and he may play better with siblings once he's matured just a little.

amigreedytowantmore · 05/07/2022 18:51

He won't know the other two are at home with you while he's in after school club on your day off,

IME most children would absolutely pick up on this - my older child isn't much older than OPs and is aware when I'm home with her siblings and she has expressed sadness and upset that she hasn't been here too

NoSquirrels · 05/07/2022 18:54

So what you’re saying is that one day a week, he gets 1-1 with you while the others are in childcare.

Then one day a week, the younger 2 get 2-on-1 time with you whilst he is in childcare.

Reframing it this way helps, because on first reading it seemed unreasonable of you. But if you put it like this it is not unfair.

If I were you I’d trial it up to Oct half term and just see how it goes. After school in Reception is loads different to after preschool - they’re so tired out by school in a way they’re not for preschool.

Notimeforaname · 05/07/2022 18:59

would I be unreasonable to put him in after school club on my day off time avoid having all three at once?

Yes I think its unreasonable to purposely 'avoid' looking after all your kids. As pp said above, I would work on his behaviour with his siblings and not avoid being together.

ithoughtitmihtbenicetochat · 05/07/2022 19:05

The two younger ones would get what the older one gets, I think that's fairer on them.
Propose this "my two daughters dont get quality time with me, should I use an after school club so they do?"
Yea, of course.
People on here are being dicks.

Your parenting choices. Your struggles.
They're acting like he poor four year old has to eat cold beans outside in the rain while his sisters get McDonald's and hugs.
Get a bloody grip.
It's the same way families use nurseries when there is an adult on maternity or paternity leave.

Original poster
KarokeandGin · 05/07/2022 19:11

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/07/2022 18:42

What happens on the days your folks have them? Do they have all three?

No they just have him after school one day a week. They will categorically not look after all 3 even on an ad hoc basis. If we go to a wedding or something they will take two and my sister will take one.

OP posts:
SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 05/07/2022 19:12

I guess if you can throw money at the situation in order to try to avoid dealing with the situation, then go for it.
I do think it sounds feeble that you can't manage for a couple of hours for one day, but parenting is tough and we all have different levels of resilience. 🤷

Original poster
KarokeandGin · 05/07/2022 19:13

i hadn’t of it like this. He did stay in nursery when the younger ones were born, we wanted to keep the consistency but obviously the outcome of some at home and some not is there same

OP posts:
Original poster
KarokeandGin · 05/07/2022 19:15

NoSquirrels · 05/07/2022 18:54

So what you’re saying is that one day a week, he gets 1-1 with you while the others are in childcare.

Then one day a week, the younger 2 get 2-on-1 time with you whilst he is in childcare.

Reframing it this way helps, because on first reading it seemed unreasonable of you. But if you put it like this it is not unfair.

If I were you I’d trial it up to Oct half term and just see how it goes. After school in Reception is loads different to after preschool - they’re so tired out by school in a way they’re not for preschool.

In essence yes. The younger two get the whole day (but obviously have to share it with each other).

He gets post school alone with me one day when they are at nursery

OP posts:
SunflowerGardens · 05/07/2022 19:16

You have 3 kids under 5, do what you need to do to survive! Do you think a man would torture himself with guilt over sending his kid to afterschools a couple of days a week to make life easier?

Original poster
KarokeandGin · 05/07/2022 19:18

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 05/07/2022 19:12

I guess if you can throw money at the situation in order to try to avoid dealing with the situation, then go for it.
I do think it sounds feeble that you can't manage for a couple of hours for one day, but parenting is tough and we all have different levels of resilience. 🤷

I can manage and have done for a year now whilst he’s been at pre school. But I recently found out there’s no medals for having the shittest time so as ASC will be an option from September I’m considering options to make things easier.

OP posts:
waterrat · 05/07/2022 19:19

OP - although I think he is probably better off coming home and just chilling - I also think you should do what the fuck you want to!

Don't let people stop you making decisions about childcare for your own family - people are generally giving advice based on their own families

I look back with regret at how I treated my older child at around this age - that colours my reply. My son was 4 and I thought of him as older than he was because I had a 2 year old.

I see how exhausted kids are in reception - especially by friday - I would just let him come home you will want to have the odd playdate once it gets a bit into the term.

CrispieCake · 05/07/2022 19:19

It sounds fine. Lots of children that age have to go to ASC 5 days a week.

You get one day/afternoon at home just with the younger ones and one afternoon just with him. Sounds like a good balance.

waterrat · 05/07/2022 19:21

"I do think it sounds feeble that you can't manage for a couple of hours for one day, but parenting is tough and we all have different levels of resilience"

This is a spiteful nasty and totally ridiculous comment.

People use childcare all over the UK , all over the world for all sorts of reasons. It's not 'feeble' if the OP knows that she and her family would benefit from a few hours extra childcare - its wise and good parenting to put her mental health first.

There is not a man on earth who would give this even a second thought if they felt they wanted the child to have one more day in ASC they would do it. My husband is hands on but would literally not doubt himself for a second if its what he felt like doing to make family life easier.

Dontgetmestarted65 · 05/07/2022 19:26

I think people are being a bit dramatic. He has one day a week of you all to himself. He won't even know you have the other two while he's at his club. Do what keeps you sane.

DuggeeHugPlease · 05/07/2022 19:29

Agree that the replies are overly harsh. Parenting is hard and if there are options in place to make it easier why not take them.

I use after school club (not every day) as I'm at work but occasionally I'll be able to finish work early when things are quieter and I will still use the club - partly for routine and I've paid for it anyway - but also I make the most of a little bit of me time. I refuse to feel guilty for it.

FabFitFifties · 05/07/2022 19:30

Do what works for you all, OP. If he enjoys after school club, I don't see the harm. You'll be in a better mood and looking forward to seeing him when he does get in. Just ensure he gets plenty family and 1:1 time. There is always something to feel guilty about as a parent - no need to add this to the list.

LemonadeSunshine · 05/07/2022 21:42

LaBombe · 05/07/2022 17:22

I’m not sure why you had 3 children if this is your attitude. You’ll never bond with them and will never get this time back. No sympathy for your first world ersatz dilemma. Not even trolling you, genuinely appalled at what some people think passes for parenting.

Your judgmental, preachy attitude is shocking, please scroll on by if nothing helpful to impart.
Women lifting up other women is something I try to live by, maybe try it...

JADS · 05/07/2022 22:07

I would put him in ASC for a 3rd day, if he is struggling you can take him out.

Honestly they are tough ages and you need to do you.

We have 2, one with SEN. Do they get parented differently? Hell yes. Sometimes you just have to get through.