Am I really that bad? My sister was feeling a bit rubbish this morning so I messaged her back

[HacketteofHacks]

My DS is three years younger than me. As background she's divorced has older teenage children.
When we were little - our parents divorced - I was 7/8 and she can't really remember living with our DD.
Anyway as I grew up - I was the studious quiet one, not perfect but I basically blamed myself for my parent's divorce so grew up thinking I was a bad person somehow.
I think my family latched on to that.My sister who grew taller than me, did bully me - but I just go on with my school studies (I loved school and I played the flute). I ended up spending a lot of energy studying and did A levels and went to university. I did have a lot of friends who I'm friends with now (I'm in my early 50s).
Anyway my sister dropped out of her A levels and basically didn't work for a few years, although she didn't not work entirely my parents had a pub and she earned money that way. Living in the pub.
I think she still resents me,. I have tried so hard with her. When she was pregnant with her youngest I was still single - in fact I had just split up with the BF who I later got back together and married. We were at some party and she basically screamed at me in the toilet for being irresponsible and living a free life. I say that but I was doing really well in my career and saving up to buy a home.
Fast forward today. I have two DC myself 10 and 13. Am married - bought my house (we had help from in laws but I had £50k worth of debt a few years which I paid off so we could we could get a mortgage).
I get a WhatsApp from my sister saying she's fed up of worrying about money and her health. Now she's been told a few times to lose weight by her GP, she's got a fatty liver. She also still rents (although my DH and I were thinking about taking out a loan to help her get on the property ladder - she's 49 and she has got a good job that to be honest nowadays they would insist on a degree but she's bright).
I say 'oh for goodness sake, you are always coming back to this'. I tell her 'pick one thing and try and do something today that makes you feel better'.
She did have help from the GP to lose weight and went on a liquid diet but lost some weight then gave it up.
So she starts messaging me back ' you're saying I'm bad'. I said 'no I just want to help' 'I've been there'.
I then get messages telling me I'm toxic and I don't support her. She's called her GP in tears and said the only help she gets is from our mum and that I've been mean to her...
Now surely doesn't she realise that she's projected all her own personal woes on to me - who has - maybe clumsily - only tried to help.
Surely if someone in your family goes on and on for years about the same problems but does nothing about it.. Wouldn't you feel you have to say something?
My mother then ploughed in and told me I'm judgemental and toxic too.
When I went to university every holiday I would get told by my family I was up myself and thought I was better than them.
I don't think this but how can I move my family forward.
Or am I bad?

Your sister and mum both sound like fucking nightmares.

What does she expect you to do about her weight problem? Stop engaging so much and just make soothing noises when she's moaning. She's being ridiculous.

They aren't nightmares. I think the difference is because I did go away from home at 18 AND I had years of therapy which forced me to look at myself and my life and my impact on others in a different way.
I could really be brutal with them, but I couldn't do what they do to me to them.

I wasn't soothing I was trying to be more 'honest'

Your message was helpful and unkind, of course it upset her.

*unhelpful and unkind

Don’t take out a loan for her. I agree that they sound like nightmares to deal with (doesn’t mean they are bad people though)

You chose to look at yourself and have therapy. Your sister hasn’t. The same options were open to both of you in life and you both made your own choices.

You could distance yourself from then, concentrate on yourself and figure out why you are still in the dysfunctional dynamic and why you are making excuses for these people. Family or not, they are not on your “team” and sound like they never have been really.

Whatever you do DO NOT GET A LOAN OUT FOR HER. You'll never get it back.

Doesn’t sound like she wants your honest opinion, but just wants someone to listen. If you don’t want conflict, do soothing as suggested. I also wouldn’t take out a loan for her unless you have a much better relationship, money can make things a lot worse.

I read this as 'massaged her back'

Putting aside everything else you mentioned: your sister was having a moan and wanted a sympathetic ear and to blow off steam. You gave her exasperation and advice. Unrequested advice and suggestions can be very irritating and patronising. Next time just say 'that must be hard' or 'I'm sorry to hear you're struggling'.

People who do what they do to you ARE NIGHTMARES!

just back away and leave them to it. You’re never going to win, so don’t even play their game

NEVER EVER take out a loan for your sister, it will cripple you for nothing - in fact - she’ll probably resent you MORE, but you will have a shit load less cash cos she won’t pay you back. “You can afford it” is the words you’ll hear whenever you ask her for repayments

It wasn’t unhelpful or unkind, it just wasn’t more of the There, there, platitudes that the sister wanted to hear.

she’s her own worst enemy and didn’t like it being pointed out.

How can anyone even understand what this says? It reads like OP is drunk.

I think perhaps your response to her may have been a little blunt. I get the frustration on your end - I am the unofficial “counsellor” to my sibling and sometimes things can get repetitive. But sometimes people just need a sounding post and don’t actually expect a practical solution from you. Perhaps your sister just wanted you to listen and said “I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time”. I know you didn’t intend it that way, but if your sister was feeling sensitive, maybe your response came across like you were fed up with her, and whilst she may be at fault for her current predicament maybe she didn’t want that pointing out to her. You don’t have to be the one to listen to her problems, but if you choose to respond to her message, I guess imagine how you would feel getting the response that you give before you send it.

Yanbu
Your life has panned out well because you worked hard and studied. Your sister and yoir mother sound a bit toxic tbh and if I were you I would scale back contact.
Oh and don't take out a loan for her , she should take charge of her own life, like you did

Don’t do honest anymore - she doesn’t want honest, she is disappointed and sad with her life.
The reply should be always ‘ I am so sorry you are struggling ds, life can be so hard. You are doing your best’
and see in her own way she IS doing her version of her best - not yours.
Then take a giant step back. There is nothing you can do to fix her life, fix her problems or jealousy. So minimise the time you spend with her but remain kind. There are all sorts of reasons why life doesn’t work out , she doesn’t need to be happy about it, or have the energy change this late in the day, she sounds deeply unhappy,

It made perfect sense to me.

OP you are not bad, your family are treating you awfully.

They are responsible for their own lives. If at 49 she still hasn't got her shit together to buy a house, you borrowing money for her will just expose you to huge financial loss.
Also, she would have to demonstrate the ability to pay a mortgage and be financially responsible - being given a deposit won't demonstrate that to a mortgage lender. You are feeling obligation and guilt because of how your family have positioned you within their dynamic, but none of their issues are your responsibility to fix.
You need to think about your own family - your children. Don't be risking your financial security for your sister, who seems to blame everyone but herself for her situation.
You also aren't obliged to blow smoke up her arse and make sympathetic noises every time she complains about her life. This sucks the energy out of you. There's nothing wrong with being honest to your own sister and telling her to do something about her life!

No it wasn't. Endlessly moaning about many things isn't effective. Chosing on thing and sorting it out is. Sometimes people just need to be told that.

Though you can't help people who love misery so much they won't change it. And they probably think being told they can "unkind".

OP, do NOT give your sister a loan.

I am sorry OP, they do sound like a nightmare. It happens so often in families that the eldest is forced into the role of 'the responsible one', as you have been. I don't think you were unkind or unhelpful, I think you are (rightly) very frustrated by your sister's irresponsible antics. Please don't take out a loan for her, it will ultimately just make her cross, a fairly well known phenomenon, the anger of the supplicant.
Your mother should be ashamed of herself. I suggest some distance and as others have said, just the most banal of sympathetic noises when necessary. You cannot fix them.

how can I move my family forward

I don't think you can, but you can stop letting them make their problems yours.

Just wanted to tack on to my previous comment. You are certainly not a bad person, and there is no obligation for you to listen to your sister at all if you’re fed up with hearing about her problems. Clearly you are still hanging on to a lot from your past though and are still trying to live up to this problem solver role. You don’t need to take out a loan for your sister any more than you need to give her practical advice. You need to take a step back and realise that you can be there for people without trying to fix everything for them.

She sounds needy.

You sound judgemental.

You sound like squabbling teenagers, not grown women in their 50s.

You did not cause her problems and it is not your job to fix them.

Only take out a loan if you are willing to gift her the money, she will likely not appreciate it as others have mentioned, and how will you feel if it's not used as you would wish.

Whilst you may have been truthful and honest and felt this was of more use than platitudes, she didn't want honesty, she wanted soothing. Honestly, its taken me years to understand this about some people as I am very solution orientated. Some people don't want ideas how to fix a problem or the reasons for failure pointed out to them, they just want sympathy. You are not unreasonable but need to accept that this is the way with her.