My DS is three years younger than me. As background she's divorced has older teenage children.
When we were little - our parents divorced - I was 7/8 and she can't really remember living with our DD.
Anyway as I grew up - I was the studious quiet one, not perfect but I basically blamed myself for my parent's divorce so grew up thinking I was a bad person somehow.
I think my family latched on to that.My sister who grew taller than me, did bully me - but I just go on with my school studies (I loved school and I played the flute). I ended up spending a lot of energy studying and did A levels and went to university. I did have a lot of friends who I'm friends with now (I'm in my early 50s).
Anyway my sister dropped out of her A levels and basically didn't work for a few years, although she didn't not work entirely my parents had a pub and she earned money that way. Living in the pub.
I think she still resents me,. I have tried so hard with her. When she was pregnant with her youngest I was still single - in fact I had just split up with the BF who I later got back together and married. We were at some party and she basically screamed at me in the toilet for being irresponsible and living a free life. I say that but I was doing really well in my career and saving up to buy a home.
Fast forward today. I have two DC myself 10 and 13. Am married - bought my house (we had help from in laws but I had £50k worth of debt a few years which I paid off so we could we could get a mortgage).
I get a WhatsApp from my sister saying she's fed up of worrying about money and her health. Now she's been told a few times to lose weight by her GP, she's got a fatty liver. She also still rents (although my DH and I were thinking about taking out a loan to help her get on the property ladder - she's 49 and she has got a good job that to be honest nowadays they would insist on a degree but she's bright).
I say 'oh for goodness sake, you are always coming back to this'. I tell her 'pick one thing and try and do something today that makes you feel better'.
She did have help from the GP to lose weight and went on a liquid diet but lost some weight then gave it up.
So she starts messaging me back ' you're saying I'm bad'. I said 'no I just want to help' 'I've been there'.
I then get messages telling me I'm toxic and I don't support her. She's called her GP in tears and said the only help she gets is from our mum and that I've been mean to her...
Now surely doesn't she realise that she's projected all her own personal woes on to me - who has - maybe clumsily - only tried to help.
Surely if someone in your family goes on and on for years about the same problems but does nothing about it.. Wouldn't you feel you have to say something?
My mother then ploughed in and told me I'm judgemental and toxic too.
When I went to university every holiday I would get told by my family I was up myself and thought I was better than them.
I don't think this but how can I move my family forward.
Or am I bad?