Should I tell my mother?

[CIammy]

Nc.

I am 24, live at home but work full time. I moved back during the pandemic as I thought there was no point paying London rent to work from home.

My fathers laptop broke and I lent him my spare one. I’ve noticed he has been acting peculiarly lately. I know I shouldn’t have done it but when he went out this morning I checked his emails.

There are some very incriminating emails that suggest he has been having an affair with an Eastern European lady. I’m not sure what country she is from but she speaks Russian to my father (he also speaks near fluent Russian) but looks East Asian?

My father sent an email recently saying he’d like to see her in her “birthday suit” with a winky face. He also always addresses her my sweetheart, darling etc and ends his messages xxxxx.

I can see he has sent her money on a number of occasions and toys to her children. She been sending pictures of her daughter who looks mixed race and now I’m wondering if she is my half-sister?! He never refers to her as his daughter. The emails go back over six years.

My father has spent his career living and working in other parts of the world so it’s not inconceivable he has another family.

I am really shocked, saddened and I’ve no idea what I should do now.

I have broken his trust by going on the laptop and reading his emails, although I feel somewhat vindicated as I knew there was something going on. They cannot have seen each other since before covid but they kept in touch throughout.

I remember before covid he went and taught English to children in Ukraine. I know he definitely went there as he sent pictures of himself at the school but now I’m wondering if he met up with her there too?

Sorry I am rambling and this probably doesn’t make any sense. Do I tell my mum? They’ve been together since she was 22 and she’s now 61 :(

I would absolutely tell her. She has a right to know.

I feel so sick.

Can you accidentally send one of the emails to your mother from his account. Then you don’t have to face her, but you will know she now knows.

it’s too big an issue to ignore

OMG i spat out my tea reading this post. My uncle had a secret family, wife as usual last to know. are you brave enough to speak to him first ? give him the chance to tell his wife.
thinking of the fall out if he does tell her and they divorce, are you local to her , would you be able to support her through this

I think I am going to call my brother. I’m supposed to be working and have a couple of meetings today. My head is really messed up atm. Not sure what to think.

I am so so sorry you are in this situation OP.
It is a very tricky situation.

Is there a time where you and your mother and the laptop can all be in the house with your Dad safely out for a good while?

If you were my friend (bear in mind I am nearly your Mum's age) I would say yes, tell her, but plan it, don't blurt it out at a family meal - she will need time to grieve and to think.

Your Dad cannot complain about you snooping because he should NOT have used YOUR spare laptop to exchange messages with someone NOT YOUR MOTHER.

Beyond telling and supporting her, stay back. What they do will be their decision and not yours.
And your Dad is still your Dad even though he's doing this - yes, it's shitty behaviour, but a lot of people do things they never thought they would. I'm not saying do the saintly-martyr-forgiveness stuff! Just, there's more to even adulterers than their affair.

Calling your brother is a good first step, it can be hard to process it by yourself. Once he knows though, you have to tell your mum. It's not right to keep it from her.

Take screenshots/pics of the incriminating evidence and save them on a separate device.

I'm sorry, op, what a dreadful shock

How awful to find this out, feel for you. Could you pull your dad to one side and tell him that he has to tell your mum, otherwise you have no other option but to do so yourself?

There is an email in which she asks him why he is always sleeping with other women if “[My mums name] is your love and angel”. It’s very broken English.

Thanks everyone for your advice. Still in shock, I do not know if I can keep reading through these emails.

I can see that he bought her a train ticket to Ukraine in 2017 so they must have met up when he was doing his teaching there. Not sure if that is the last time they met in person but they are still very much in contact with each other. I’ve also figured out which country she is from (or at least where she was living when he bought her that train ticket).

I think you should forward all the messages to yourself for a start while you decide what to do.

Russia isn’t Europe, it’s Eurasia. She could be Kalmyk, Chuckchi, Yakut etc. She also may be from one of the former Soviet Republics.

I would suggest you give yourself some time to absorb the information yourself, then decide what you want to do going forward.

I think you need to tell your mother it'll be awful but she deserves to know , it's put you in a terrible position so sorry this is happening to you .

Good idea to speak to your brother first. I do think you should probably tell your mother though. If I was your mother I would certainly want to know

gross. You have to tell her really, he's actually putting your mother in danger if they're still sleeping together and he's sleeping with lots of other people

Now you know, you can't keep it a secret - it'll eat you alive. Your mother deserves to know.

@whumpthereitis Yeah I know, my father worked all over the former USSR. I think this woman is from Kazakhstan.

She has sent some very nasty emails to my father slagging off me and my siblings. The only decent thing my father has done is stand up for us at least. Said he wouldn’t every speak to her if she is rude about us again.

That is awful. I would have a plan in your mind before telling your mum as she will not be able to think straight. Make sure you have evidence of the affair and she gets any financial evidence in case she needs it for divorce. Who knows how he will start acting when this comes out.
I agree you should forward yourself the emails.
Maybe take a small amount of time to process this before talking to your mum, then you will be in a better position to support her.

That's awful op. I think speak to your brother and find out how to approach this. But yes she needs to know

My brother knows the woman’s name. She messaged him on Facebook a few years ago apparently but her blocked her.

Hi,

I am so sorry this has happened .

I would 100 percent tell my mum if she was being mistreated .
I appreciate it just be terrible that it is your own father deceiving your mother but your mother deserves to know what you have found out . Not only is this utter deceit but the money your father is sending is ‘there’ money.

I would not even tell my father and give him time to do damage control. Your father may despose of the evidence etc . I would calmly talk to your mother out of the house and let Her ask questions etc . Then once she is ready she can confront your father ( possibly with you )

You are not to blame for discovering the emails. I always belive things come out . Your father is the one who is wrong here .

hugs x

I have broken his trust by going on the laptop and reading his emails

NO. He has broken your trust by using YOUR computer to conduct his seedy little affair. I'd confront him; no mercy.

"Dad; I needed to go on my computer for a file and found this . WTF? ".

I'd also use MY computer to email this woman and tell her she's messing with a married man , your father.

im so sorry you’re in this position. I think the first thing I would do is take a copy of the evidence - that way if he deletes it your mother still knows the truth. I would try and make it as easy on her as possible and keep an open mind as to how she may want to deal with it. It may be she has suspicions or maybe more but has managed to put these to the back of her head for fear of the repercussions. She may not be in a place to address it head on. Either way it is also a shock to you and so give yourself some kindness too.

Firstly, I second a pp- send all the emails/evidence to yourself asap - if this gets out or he suspects you've seen something they will surely "disappear".

What an awful position to be in.

But if I was your mother I would want to know and I'd think you very brave for telling me. Your father is an idiot not only for what he's done but for not even bothering to cover his tracks. The fact he's doing it so blatantly, with the woman even managing to contact your brother shows what disregard and disrespect he has for your dm. She deserves to know.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I am now wondering if my mother knows about this. The woman in the emails seems to have a lot of hate for my mother. She’s constantly asking my father why he lets my mother control him so much (definitely not true!). She says as soon as he lands in England he is a changed man because he listens to his controlling wife.

I might be reading too much into it but it’s seems to me she is implying my mother knows. Ugh I’m not sure, her English skills are so bad I’m not entirely clear what she means.