Should I tell my mother?

[CIammy]

Nc.

I am 24, live at home but work full time. I moved back during the pandemic as I thought there was no point paying London rent to work from home.

My fathers laptop broke and I lent him my spare one. I’ve noticed he has been acting peculiarly lately. I know I shouldn’t have done it but when he went out this morning I checked his emails.

There are some very incriminating emails that suggest he has been having an affair with an Eastern European lady. I’m not sure what country she is from but she speaks Russian to my father (he also speaks near fluent Russian) but looks East Asian?

My father sent an email recently saying he’d like to see her in her “birthday suit” with a winky face. He also always addresses her my sweetheart, darling etc and ends his messages xxxxx.

I can see he has sent her money on a number of occasions and toys to her children. She been sending pictures of her daughter who looks mixed race and now I’m wondering if she is my half-sister?! He never refers to her as his daughter. The emails go back over six years.

My father has spent his career living and working in other parts of the world so it’s not inconceivable he has another family.

I am really shocked, saddened and I’ve no idea what I should do now.

I have broken his trust by going on the laptop and reading his emails, although I feel somewhat vindicated as I knew there was something going on. They cannot have seen each other since before covid but they kept in touch throughout.

I remember before covid he went and taught English to children in Ukraine. I know he definitely went there as he sent pictures of himself at the school but now I’m wondering if he met up with her there too?

Sorry I am rambling and this probably doesn’t make any sense. Do I tell my mum? They’ve been together since she was 22 and she’s now 61 :(

This is awful OP.

Unless your Mum has a terminal illness or something I would definitely tell her.

Don't read too much into what this woman has said, it seems more likely to me that your dad is adept at feeding the women in his life lines to keep them happy.

What else did your brother say?

I would take screenshots/print outs of everything you have seen and speak to your dad. Tell him you know and give him 24 hours to tell her himself. It will be better coming from him. If he doesnt, approach your mum and tell her.

Your dm needs an sti test op. She needs to be told..
Or surely you become and accomplice to his deceit?

Your poor mum and poor you.

I'd tell her. She has a right to know.

Awful, I wouldn't know what to do. But your mum deserves to know.
I think i'd bring it up with your dad first, and take it from there.

Can I ask what made you suspicious in the first place? You say you feel ‘vindicated’ now that you know something is going on, so there must have been a reason you went digging into your dad’s emails.

I ask because, if you suspected something was up, maybe your mum suspects it too. Do you think there’s a chance she knows, or already has concerns?

This exactly happened to me about 15 years ago when I was your age. I confronted my father and barley spoke to him for a couple of years. I didn’t tell my mother - i don’t think she’d ever have left him even if she knew and so she’d have just been humiliated. I believe he stopped the affair after our confrontation. it really shook me for a long time: I sympathise with you.

Now my parents are in their 70s and pretty happy with each other. They will grow old and die together and have raised 3 children together. Yes he’s deceived and lied to her! But their marriage is not my business and it’s hard to realise that are parents are stupid, selfish human beings too.

Sit on the knowledge for a little bit - it won’t always hurt so much. Confront your father if you like, but I wouldn’t tell you mother yet.

I think you need to talk to him first and explain you know what's going on so he can't wheedle out of it and deny it

If you talk to your Dad first he could hide/spend money to minimise what your M gets in any divorce, so it's not what I would do...

If they both speak her language why is she writing in broken English?

Copy the emails to yourself.
Tell your brother about it.
Tell your mother.
Let her read them herself.
Prepare yourself for her to want to turn a blind eye. It happens.
Prepare yourself for her to go ballistic as well.

what was she saying in the messages to your brother? is there a chance that she could have messaged your mum at a similar time, so she knows already?

I might be reading too much into it but it’s seems to me she is implying my mother knows.

If your mother doesn't know, you definitely need to tell her. She might well be hurt and angry and all those things, but at least she won't be living a lie. At least she can make an informed choice rather than having her husband string her along and living a lie. Better for her to find out now than to find out years down the line at your father's funeral or something, or for her to have a young woman knocking on the door one day and saying 'I've come to see your husband because he is the father of my child.'

If you mother really does know, then telling her will be a pretty neutral act. She's not going to be hurt or angry about something she's already aware of and OK with. Embarrassed, perhaps, but that's not too much of a deal. So basically whether it turns out that you mum knows or not, telling her will still have been the right course of action.

Personally, I strongly suspect your father has told his girlfriend that your mum knows about her, but that this was a lie to keep the girlfriend sweet. He's obviously spun her all sorts of crap about his family life that isn't true, poor girl.

She’s constantly asking my father why he lets my mother control him so much

That will be because your father is using your dm as an excuse Oh sorry darling I can't see you this week because Doreen won't let me get away or Sorry Babe there's no way I can send you any more money this month because Doreen says I have to buy the dc new phones or we'll be together one day I promise, but just for now I have to stay with Doreen or she'll get all my money in the divorce.

Why are you wondering whether to tell your dm? Surely it's your dad you should be confronting. Tell him you know and that he needs to tell your mum. See what he says and get an idea if your dm might know already but prefers to pretend it's not happening.

Awful situation. I'm glad you've got your brother to talk to.

I'd talk to your father before your mother. Give him the opportunity to come clean with her.

I was wondering the same thing

Wow what gives you any right to go though his emails ever what a vile thing to do he raised you and let you live back at home and this is what you have done sounds like your mother knows and your brother keep your nose out of it its not your relationship, you will probably be kicked out if you even bring it up so be prepared, you have serious issues invading his privacy justified or not by what you found

Print off every single email as your Mum may need them if she chooses to divorce. Help her get copies of all your Fathers financial statements and remove 50% of monies from joint accounts. Then i hope she kicks his backside out of the door.

She probably speaks a little English and uses it at times?

Don't be daft, the emails were on the OP's own laptop.

I agree with telling your mother so she can at least empower herself and make sure she doesn't get screwed over financially by her cheat of a DH and a golddigging visa hunter.

@THisbackwithavengeance still gives her no right and its against the law

Accessing information you are not entitled to is a breach of both the Data Protection Act and the Computer Misuse Act.

Makes no difference if it was on her laptop or not

Why isn't she typing in Russian?

Looks like the OP's dad's mistress has arrived on the thread...

Oh bore off!