Should I tell my mother?

[CIammy]

Nc.

I am 24, live at home but work full time. I moved back during the pandemic as I thought there was no point paying London rent to work from home.

My fathers laptop broke and I lent him my spare one. I’ve noticed he has been acting peculiarly lately. I know I shouldn’t have done it but when he went out this morning I checked his emails.

There are some very incriminating emails that suggest he has been having an affair with an Eastern European lady. I’m not sure what country she is from but she speaks Russian to my father (he also speaks near fluent Russian) but looks East Asian?

My father sent an email recently saying he’d like to see her in her “birthday suit” with a winky face. He also always addresses her my sweetheart, darling etc and ends his messages xxxxx.

I can see he has sent her money on a number of occasions and toys to her children. She been sending pictures of her daughter who looks mixed race and now I’m wondering if she is my half-sister?! He never refers to her as his daughter. The emails go back over six years.

My father has spent his career living and working in other parts of the world so it’s not inconceivable he has another family.

I am really shocked, saddened and I’ve no idea what I should do now.

I have broken his trust by going on the laptop and reading his emails, although I feel somewhat vindicated as I knew there was something going on. They cannot have seen each other since before covid but they kept in touch throughout.

I remember before covid he went and taught English to children in Ukraine. I know he definitely went there as he sent pictures of himself at the school but now I’m wondering if he met up with her there too?

Sorry I am rambling and this probably doesn’t make any sense. Do I tell my mum? They’ve been together since she was 22 and she’s now 61 :(

Calm down dear. Ever heard of full stops?

Someone is completely off their cake.

^this

Hahha seriously @Staters and @monsterastuckiosa just because I don't agree with someone breaking the law and reading personal emails, would you like it if your family members started reading though your emails texts ect I very much doubt it,

That's what you've focused on? Amazing.

Are you actually okay?
OP isn't vile, it's her father that's the vile one.
Why are you so angry about her reading the emails? Are you the OW?

It's not illegal to read someone else's emails. OP's df probably left himself logged in anyway, I think it serves him right.

@CosmopolitanPlease it is completely against the law,

hotality.co.uk/2017/04/12/ever-thought-viewing-someones-email-without-permission/#:~:text=The%20government%20passed%20a%20new,to%2010%20years%20in%20prison.

And no i and not the ow @cantthinkofabetterusername I am happily married and don't email men or women behind my husbands back

Can you link to the evidence in these Acts to back up your claim?

WRT a non-password protected account on the OP’s own laptop?

OP, if this has been going on at least 6 years, why is he acting oddly only now?

Could be that yet another situation is making him behave oddly.

What sort of odd behaviour?

Is your mum as normal?

I would tell your Dad you've seen them, and if he doesn't tell your mother, you will. He might tell you that your mother already knows.

I'm 65 and when I was 6, my Mum allowed my Dad to have affairs, rather than start a new life on her own. Life at home was normal. They did divorce when I was 20 as my Dad fell 'in love' with someone, and eventually married her.

When I was very young (16), I caught my father cheating on my mother by way of a written note.
I gathered up the courage and told him that either he tell Mum or I would.
He told Mum and she forgave him - I was furious. I’m still a bit angry about that, actually.
Just because your Mum finds out, doesn’t mean it’ll blow up their marriage.

Read that link more carefully. She hasn’t accessed it using a password not given to her. She hasn’t hacked the account.

eugh, what a horrible shock.

What would your mum's financial situation be if they split? I would tell my mum if her financial situation was ok. Wouldn't have to be a great financial setup but just ok.

I

WOW..... This must have absolutely blown you out of the water. I hope between you and your brother, you can come up with a plan on how best to address this with your parents. Good luck xx

@SausageAndCash

the offence in the Computer Misuse Act has nothing to do with passwords and hacking.

An S.1(1) offence is made out if:

(1)A person is guilty of an offence if—
(a)he causes a computer to perform any function with intent to secure access to any program or data held in any computer [F1, or to enable any such access to be secured] ;
(b)the access he intends to secure [F2, or to enable to be secured,] is unauthorised; and
(c)he knows at the time when he causes the computer to perform the function that that is the case.

Reading someone else's email, even if you're sat in front of a computer they have left logged in, a least arguably meets that test. (a) is the act of clicking on links. (b) would be the stuff that gets argued about in court: does the act of living in a relationship provide implied consent, and does leaving devices lying around unprotected within a jointly-occupied house grant that authorisation? (c) would follow from (b).

The reason I pick this up is that if, say, you walked into your boss's office, noticed that her machine was logged in and flicked through her email, you would not only be inviting a bunch of contract and employment law issues as soon as you started reading, but that would be manifestly a CMA S.1(1) offence the moment you did anything which altered what was on the screen. The offence is in instructing the computer to do something you aren't authorised to do, and argument will be about whether you were authorised, not how you got access.

Complex analogies involving doors, welcome mats, keys and locks, trespass and theft, beloved of people wanting to complicate computer law, aren't necessary: CMA stands on its own, and all that's necessary to start a prosecution is to show that the acts meet the S.1(1) test.

Her father would have to choose to prosecute. I doubt it would go very far, especially not to court.

I think you should tell your mum. If and when she does find out and also finds out you knew about this affair, you will be tarnished with the same brush. You will probably lose your mum's love and respect.
Your father has most likely spun the other woman a web of lies to make him appear a martyr, the good guy, when he's def not.

How about talking to DD ?

I personally wouldn’t say anything just yet.

My friend found out her dad was having a long standing affair and she told her mum as soon as she found out.

He denied it and her mum said she was just trying to cause trouble. I truly believe her mum knew but had been married for years and she had a nice lifestyle which would have ended if she admitted it.

My friend hasn’t spoken to anyone of her family members in years because of it.

I would let your mum know but not in a direct way so it’s up to her if she ignores it or not.
Could you leave the laptop open where she can see it or even write her a letter and pretend it’s from the OW.

Good luck OP. As some people have pointed out, shooting the messenger is common, and if your mother doesn't know, her world is going to come crashing in. I would approach your Dad first.

Id have to tell her

You have to tell her. She's entitled to that information about her husband. She may already know, but in that case I think she also needs to know that you and your brother know too. Perhaps you could tell her together to offer support?

Hi all,

I haven’t done anything with the information yet, mainly because my father has been out of the house all day.

To clear up a few things. 1) Why was I suddenly suspicious? Bear in mind, it seems this affair has been going on for a number of years but I have not lived at home or been around my parents enough to notice any behavioural changes. It was only when I moved back that I began to notice a few odd behaviours. Like he will take the dog out at really odd times of day, multiple times a day. He would be watching a film and then suddenly jump up and say he will take the dog out, even when she is asleep and content.

Recently, my mother wanted to access their joint bank account online but her card mysteriously disappeared from her purse. I noticed it was in my fathers wallet when he went to pay for something a few weeks later. He got incredibly defensive when I asked if he had deliberately taken it. When she got into her account there were multiple Western Union payments that he couldn’t explain.

2. They converse in both English and Russian, mainly English. My father can speak Russian but is less good at reading and writing it. It takes him quite a long time to decipher things written in Russian.

3. Yes, I shouldn’t have gone into his emails. I feel awful and I wish I hadn’t. I thought he was doing something dodgy financially (he has form) and wanted to stop him. I’ve completely ruined my relationship with my father. We will never have the same relationship. I think that punishment enough.

Your brother blocked her - does this mean he knew what was going on too and turned a blind eye?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you - you didn't ask for it - the emails were accessed on your computer and you unfortunately came across them.

Speak to both your brother and father about how you are going to deal with this.

Your mum has to be supported in some shape or form, and it looks like you will have to be the one to step up to help her.

Too late to brush it under the carpet - It will eat you up and it's just not fair for YOU to carry this burden alone.