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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have ended a situationship I was really enjoying?

43 replies

situationship · 04/07/2022 04:31

Met a man online. Started dating but ended up agreeing to just be friends after about 7 dates.

After building a really lovely friendship over the course of a few more weeks, we started being intimate again.

The sex itself wasn't an issue for me, but then we started doing overnights, lots of hugs and kisses, spending all our free time together, but still referring to ourselves at just friends.

As soon as I saw it going in that direction, I spoke up (after saw each other 4 times in a week and were basically acting like a couple).

I said that if he really did want to just be friends and there was no prospect for a relationship in his view, I wanted to put a stop to it because my feelings were getting involved. We didn't reach a conclusion when I raised it but his answer was vaguely that he didn't want anything like that at this point.

I'm now laying awake regretting ending it. It was such a happy time that I'd spent with him and potentially, if I'd just kept quiet, we could've seen where it went.

However, we're both 42 and I don't really feel like I want to waste my time and get my feelings hurt.

I'm not looking to jump into a relationship with him now, I'm not ready to be his girlfriend, but I did want to be clear that if I was not even a potential partner in his eyes, I didn't want to keep investing.

Wondering now if I have just sabotaged something potentially great, or if I've done myself a favour.

OP posts:

Original poster

situationship · 04/07/2022 08:01

I don't know if I wasn't specific enough in my post.

I didn't end it directly.

After we'd spent a lot of time together in the space of a few days, I realised we were moving into couple territory, while still talking non-stop about how we were just friends.

So I took a deep breath and said 'hey, I can see myself quite liking you as more than a friend and if we keep spending time together like this, that's likely to develop. So if you have absolutely no interest in seeing where this goes, I think we should put a stop to it.'

If I'm truly honest, based on his behaviour, I expected that he would agree that some feelings or potential were emerging, but he didn't. (He was actually very vague and a bit obtuse. I'm not really sure what his conclusion was).

At that point, I stepped away.

OP posts:

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 08:02

It already sounds messy tbh

got close and started a romantic relationship
Decided to be friends (which speaks volumes really)
then built up a very intense sounding friendship of seeing each other 4x a week (which as a single parent myself I’m wondering how possible!)
and then started sleeping together

not a great start as already complicated and messy

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 08:03

while still talking non-stop about how we were just friends.

Surely that got a bit boring?!

GrowlingManchego · 04/07/2022 08:05

He had his chance as you say. And it opens up space to date someone who wants the same things as you. You’ve done the right thing.

Original poster

situationship · 04/07/2022 08:06

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 08:03

while still talking non-stop about how we were just friends.

Surely that got a bit boring?!

If I'm really honest, I thought it was just coyness/banter and we both knew it was heading somewhere.

Thankfully I realised quickly that I needed to double check that, and I'm glad I did.

OP posts:

Lampan · 04/07/2022 08:08

Another one saying you did 100% the right thing. I’ve been in a couple of situations where I should have done just this. Hopefully I am wiser now!
Men in these situations just want to have their cake and eat it. Have a ‘relationship’ that can be ended quickly and easily without any guilt on their part.

I’m 90% sure he will pop up again in a few weeks. You need to be prepared for if/when he does.

shouldnthavedonethatshouldi · 04/07/2022 08:10

I was in a situationship i posted about back in March where we ended it. I missed him so much, didn't speak for 7 weeks then decided we could just be friends and chat..be friends. We couldn't. He was here last night and we had sex, we'd been talking about it all week and I knew what I was letting my self in for. I have colluded in breaking my own heart. You're doing the right thing!!

BigFatLiar · 04/07/2022 08:12

Who decided at first the relationship was to be just friends?

Original poster

situationship · 04/07/2022 08:16

BigFatLiar · 04/07/2022 08:12

Who decided at first the relationship was to be just friends?

It was mutual.

We actually bumped into each other unexpectedly very soon after our last proper date (the one where it went without saying that things had fizzled out).

We got in great at the event we'd seen each other at and agree to stay in touch, which led to us chatting a ton and grabbing lunches etc, and we both agreed it was so nice to have made such an unexpected friend.

Except after a few weeks, we ended up in bed together.

As I said in my first post, the sex itself wasn't the biggest issue. The increase in time spent together and the way we were interacting (in quite a romantic way), was the thing that triggered me wanting to raise that I couldn't be just friends in those circumstances.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 04/07/2022 08:17

particularly as I spoke up very early on, rather than letting it unfold a bit first.

I think you did exactly the right thing. Once he has set the parameters saying that you were just friends then

... it would not just be a case of letting things unfold, you would be allowing the relationship and your feelings to develop while he could point to already having ruled out any relationship.

Keeping going just hoping he will change his mind when he has already been clear is setting yourself up for heartbreak. It may be the plot of many a romantic novel , it's just not how real life works.

Well done on drawing your own boundaries and keeping to them.

There will be someone much better for you to find, who is not confused about his interest in you.

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 08:23

Why did you ever to be friends?

that is not usually the sign of a relationship with legs tbh

Original poster

situationship · 04/07/2022 08:29

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 08:23

Why did you ever to be friends?

that is not usually the sign of a relationship with legs tbh

Our 7th date was a bit stilted (felt like we'd run out of things to talk about) and I think we mutually and unspoken just both went quiet.

Then, as mentioned, we bumped into each other the following week at an event and ended up chatting and keeping in touch.

Neither of us at that point felt that us keeping in touch and getting on so well was a likely scenario, but that's what happened. Then recently it felt more like we were slowly (dare I say...) falling for each other.

In the movie world, that would have been a slow move towards a relationship and it felt like that was happening, but when I raised that with him, it seemed he wasn't on the same page.

OP posts:

BigFatLiar · 04/07/2022 08:44

If you'd been together, cooled it down. got together again and then shortly decided that you wanted to push it forward he may not have been ready. After the first parting of the ways he may well be wondering if it was about to happen again. Lets keep it the way we are may have been a 'lets make sure she's serious this time'. The mutually agreeing may well have been accepting what he sees as the inevitable end.

The relationship may not have gone much further. You both probably see each other as time wasters. He won't commit as quickly as you want, he's worried about you picking him up and dropping him.

People commit at different rates, some will commit to a new relationship at the drop of a hat others take time to gain confidence in the new partner. Sounds like he wasn't ready when you were and that's fine.

Original poster

situationship · 04/07/2022 10:58

Thanks all. Appreciate the feedback.

I feel proud of myself for stepping away before I developed stronger feelings.

I try to remind myself, real life is not Hollywood!

OP posts:

Noticingb · 04/07/2022 11:03

‘If I’m not a potential partner in his eyes I don’t want to keep investing’

You aren’t a potential partner in his eyes or he would’ve said when you asked.
he didn’t
you aren’t
so you did the right thing

billy1966 · 04/07/2022 11:07

@BEAM123 has nailed it.

Well done OP.

You should be very proud of yourself.

You could have drifted on and just been used.

He either wants to be with you or not.

Drifting along is wasting YOUR time.

MN is full of stories of such women whom have regrets.

Well done for having boundaries and self respect.

His loss.

RockinHorseShit · 04/07/2022 11:15

You did the right thing. However happy you were with him up until this point, isn't happening going forward as you are going to feel used & resent him. That's not the way to happiness or security.
It has been fun, but that's ended now. Chalk it up to experience & move on & find someone who values you. This guy doesn't, he's a user.

Thereisnolight · 04/07/2022 11:16

FabFitFifties · 04/07/2022 05:00

You have done the right thing. He had his chance to say something to save the situation, but he didn't. Also, your situation had him very conveniently in a place where he could sleep around, or drop you, gulit free. Well done you. Congratulate yourself, roll over, and get some kip!

Yupity-yup!

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