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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you think this unreasonable after pregnancy loss?

93 replies

Randomquestion1 · 03/07/2022 18:27

A married couple, DW with no DC and DH with DC from previous relationship.

They have multiple pregnancy losses whilst TTC, some early others not and discover condition which means they may never have a successful pregnancy. DW decides she can't be around DSC at the moment so goes and stays with her parents whenever they stay. She is okay when they aren't there but can't cope being around them or seeing DH parent.

After a month of this the DH doesn't think it can continue any longer as it's unfair on DSC and DW needs to start spending time with them again, DW doesn't feel ready to spend time with them yet and wants to continue going to parents whenever they stay.

(Random vote)

YABU - DH should let his wife deal with it in her own time and understand his DC are a trigger at the moment.

YANBU - DW now needs to start spending time with her DSC even if it's incredibly hard as it's not their fault.

OP posts:
PicaK · 03/07/2022 18:32

I'm not going to vote. This isn't black and white.
DH is right. DW needs to see and acknowledge the kids but she can build up the time slowly over the next few months. A hello to start with and then an hour etc.
DW needs to go for counselling and DH needs to go too and really understand the hell she's going through. They need to figure out what he can do to support her. Is he throwing himself into his kids to deal with his own hurt. Has he taken on board the implications etc of the diagnosis.
There's so much grief and anger swilling around that the two of them need to hold on tight to each other to get through the hellish rapid ride that is infertility.

bishbashboshhhhh · 03/07/2022 18:33

It’s only been a month and it sounds like dw needs some time to grieve
why is it unfair to the dsc? They are there to see the dh surely?

SmileyPiuPiu · 03/07/2022 18:35

I agree with @PicaK. Dad can tell his children his wife is struggling and that it's not personal but she needs space.

Mally100 · 03/07/2022 18:36

A sad situation that I don't think it's helpful to judge the poor DW. She is going through a really emotional time. I do think she needs to go for counselling though else this could build up into something quite big and possibly distance herself from the kids. I can understand dh side as well but he needs to be patient and allow her some time to herself.

Cas112 · 03/07/2022 18:36

Obviously she needs to be around the children but it takes time, forcing/rushing wife won't help anything

Eek3under3 · 03/07/2022 18:38

It takes time. I think it’s perfectly understandable to want some space from dsc at the moment. Grief is not a rational or logical process.

tomatopsste · 03/07/2022 18:43

Time is needed

Pumperthepumper · 03/07/2022 18:45

I agree time is needed but I also think the age of the kids and how often they stay is relevant too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/07/2022 18:46

What’s not fair about it? He’s getting quality time with his children. While they may be fond of their step mum they have contact primarily to see their dad, which she’s not stopping. He should be concerned about his wife’s grief and wellbeing and trying to make things as easy for her as possible. He will never begin to understand what she’s going through but he can try to support her rather than being demanding.

5128gap · 03/07/2022 18:48

I think DW may need longer than a month, but it can't carry on indefinitely. DW is married to a man with children and its not feasible to hide that aspect of his life forever. In DH position I would be sympathetic, but would be looking for some indication there would be an end to it and that DW intended to try to get help with these feelings, as the relationship isn't really viable otherwise. Its a very sad situation for everyone.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/07/2022 18:50

I think a month is nothing. 4 weeks to process life changing news. If it was 5 months I'd have said yes she needs to do something. Or if she said she would never be ready and wasn't doing anything to help herself etc. But it will still be incredibly raw right now. And even if she wanted therapy, an initial appointment wouldn't have come through so I think at this stage it's ok for her to do what she has to do to survive

If she sees them before she is ready, and spends the whole time crying or miserable, who exactly will that help?

Riverlee · 03/07/2022 18:52

A month is too soon. Maybe they could fix a time period (three months?) and then slowly reintroduce the contact.

Also, depends on age of children. Are they young? Do they feel rejected that their stepmum keeps disappearing on them? Do they know why she keeps visiting her parents We’re they fairly close before?

is the husband struggling to look after the kids?

I think it’s good that stepmum has put the children first. She’s not stopping them from seeing their dad. In other mumsnet scenarios, you would get the stepmum feeling aggrieved that her dh is still allowing his children to visit when she is recovering from the mc.

AnotherDelphinium · 03/07/2022 18:53

Why is DH unhappy? Is it because she's no longer doing the wife-work? Six months in I could understand, but four weeks is nothing!

I completely feel for DW; watching my DP parent his children and teach them how to swim when he didn't want children with me was absolutely devastating and I try and keep myself away from them so they don't bear the brunt of my resentment.

IRunbecauseILikeCake · 03/07/2022 18:58

DH needs to be more understanding.
DW is grieving and needs time, space and understanding.
She will come round to the DSC and build a relationship with them again. It took me a while to be around my nephew as all I could see was what I had lost, but I got there. Instead of forcing me, DH was kind, patient and understanding. She will get there, but she needs to be not forced or co-erced into spending time with them when she's not ready.

5128gap · 03/07/2022 18:59

AnotherDelphinium · 03/07/2022 18:53

Why is DH unhappy? Is it because she's no longer doing the wife-work? Six months in I could understand, but four weeks is nothing!

I completely feel for DW; watching my DP parent his children and teach them how to swim when he didn't want children with me was absolutely devastating and I try and keep myself away from them so they don't bear the brunt of my resentment.

In fairness, he may be unhappy and concerned that his wife will only be able to deal with the situation by pretending a major part of his life doesn't exist. The OP references 'watching him parent' so it's not just about the pain of being around children it's about the pain of him having that role. And he does have it, and that can't be denied. Trying to pretend it doesn't exist isn't healthy long term, and I wouldn't encourage it either.

Riverlee · 03/07/2022 19:04

Op, are you dw? If so, hope you’re okay after all the bad news you’ve had recently

WimpoleHat · 03/07/2022 19:07

She is okay when they aren't there but can't cope being around them or seeing DH parent.

It sounds unkind - and I do really feel for her - but she needs to get her head round this or accept that her marriage is over. It’s simply not workable like this. Hopefully she can talk to someone who can help her come to terms with things.

billy1966 · 03/07/2022 19:08

4 weeks is nothing.

The wife must take the time she needs.

He is probably missing her wife duties....tough luck.

The wife needs to take however long she needs.

If he is unsympathetic, she would be wise to rethink the relationship.

He is spending quality time with HIS children, surely he should be more than happy to parent is own children, unless of course he is an avoidant parent who leans on his wife to parent HIS children.

OP, take as long as you need, for as long as you need.

Maybe you will decide you actually don't want to be a step mother if you don't have your own child.

Your choice completely.
It's an utterly thankless job from what I read on here.

SmileyPiuPiu · 03/07/2022 19:09

WimpoleHat · 03/07/2022 19:07

She is okay when they aren't there but can't cope being around them or seeing DH parent.

It sounds unkind - and I do really feel for her - but she needs to get her head round this or accept that her marriage is over. It’s simply not workable like this. Hopefully she can talk to someone who can help her come to terms with things.

It's 4 weeks in. It's going to sting.

girlmom21 · 03/07/2022 19:10

I think this is something you should deal with as a family - not by isolating yourself, but I may well think different if I was in the situation.

SheepingStandingUp · 03/07/2022 19:11

no, she shouldn't have to just put up with it because he doesn't want to look after them himself / explain age appropriately to his kids.
Is her crying in front of them less damaging than time alone with their Dad?
I'd leave a relationship with someone who didn't think my feelings and MH mattered as much as his convenience

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2022 19:12

DH is being very unreasonable.

MissMaple82 · 03/07/2022 19:12

I think your being unreasonable, and I say that as someone who has suffered multiple miscarriages. Life continues and you need to find coping mechanisms. It really isn't fair to ignore the children, they pick up on things like this. You need to be strong and find other ways to chanel your grief that doesn't outcast the family.

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2022 19:14

MissMaple82 · 03/07/2022 19:12

I think your being unreasonable, and I say that as someone who has suffered multiple miscarriages. Life continues and you need to find coping mechanisms. It really isn't fair to ignore the children, they pick up on things like this. You need to be strong and find other ways to chanel your grief that doesn't outcast the family.

She's not ignoring them, she's avoiding them. She isn't blanking them.

Penfelyn · 03/07/2022 19:17

I can see both sides. Obviously the relationship won't work long term if she can't be at all around his kids. Conversely, she deserves some time to digest devastating news. As pp mentioned, four weeks is nothing.

Frankly if it was me I'm not sure I'd be able to stay in the relationship as it would just hurt too much. If she is able to work past it I salute her. Having kids was really important to me and it would take months if not years to accept that it might not happen. I couldn't do it while watching the person closest to me enjoying a parent relationship with their own children in front of me.

The DW needs time, space and a lot of support from DH. If in six months she still can't bear to be near DSC then they might have to discuss where their relationship is headed - with no blame on either side, as neither of them did anything wrong. Communication and empathy is key here.

I really feel for the DW.