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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you think this unreasonable after pregnancy loss?

93 replies

Randomquestion1 · 03/07/2022 18:27

A married couple, DW with no DC and DH with DC from previous relationship.

They have multiple pregnancy losses whilst TTC, some early others not and discover condition which means they may never have a successful pregnancy. DW decides she can't be around DSC at the moment so goes and stays with her parents whenever they stay. She is okay when they aren't there but can't cope being around them or seeing DH parent.

After a month of this the DH doesn't think it can continue any longer as it's unfair on DSC and DW needs to start spending time with them again, DW doesn't feel ready to spend time with them yet and wants to continue going to parents whenever they stay.

(Random vote)

YABU - DH should let his wife deal with it in her own time and understand his DC are a trigger at the moment.

YANBU - DW now needs to start spending time with her DSC even if it's incredibly hard as it's not their fault.

OP posts:
boopdeflouff · 03/07/2022 19:18

This poor lady needs help, empathy, hugs, support and understanding, not an AIBU vote.

I had several consecutive pregnancy losses and could not bear to be around anyone. I used to make DH ask people if they were coming to make an announcement, if people asked to see us. It was a very hard time and some people took it personally.

She is grieving. He needs to support his wife, manage the situation with his children in an age appropriate way and she needs time and to access some counseling to be able to move forward.

Don't underestimate the heartache that fertility issues bring. Whilst you can be happy for everyone else, there are just so many reminders than contribute to your sadness, of which SC (whilst not their fault) are.

Miscarriage boards on here really helped me, to know I wasn't alone, to learn that my body wasn't failing me, I wasn't any less of a woman, and that my feelings were valid. Take a look on there if you need help on understanding some of the emotions involved.

Penfelyn · 03/07/2022 19:20

I missed the part where DH doesn't think it can continue any longer. He's being very unreasonable and lacking empathy. Of course for him it doesn't sting, he has children. But he needs to consider how it's going to feel for her. How would he feel if she was enjoying in front of him something he wants very very badly but can't have ?!!

He's in the wrong there.

Viviennemary · 03/07/2022 19:23

It's very sad but I'm afraid I can't see the relationship working out.

maggiecate · 03/07/2022 19:28

I think the DW is doing the right thing in a very difficult situation. She must feel poleaxed with grief, and knows that seeing her DH with his children, something she may never get with him, is going to be very difficult to cope with. If she doesn’t think she can be around them without breaking down it’s much fairer on everyone to take herself out of the situation.

DHs time with the children is limited, and they should be able to have as normal interactions with him as possible under the circumstances without worrying that it’s causing their stepmum extra grief. DH should explain to the kids in an age appropriate way that DW is very sad around children right now and needs to be with her mum and dad, and that it will get better but everyone will have to be patient.

Original poster
Randomquestion1 · 03/07/2022 19:30

The children stay 3 nights a week and they are 7 & 9

OP posts:
Original poster
Randomquestion1 · 03/07/2022 19:31

DW has been saying she doesn't know if the relationship can survive as she can't bear to be near the DC. DH thinks she needs to get it over with before it becomes a huge thing.

OP posts:
b0wser · 03/07/2022 19:34

I think that she needs to separate her feelings about her own pregnancy losses and how she is feeling about trying to conceive, and how she feels about her step children.

They are children and are living and deserve to have a healthy relationship with their father without feeling guilty of what their step mum is going through.

I think she needs to rip the plaster off and reinstate content and find a way to move forward, or accept that the marriage may not survive this. It's surely only going to make it worse in the long run if she keeps them away.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/07/2022 19:36

Does he really. What a heartless, cruel, insensitive fucking arsehole. I’d leave him in a heartbeat if that’s how he put it and not look back.

That’s absolutely disgusting.

SmileyPiuPiu · 03/07/2022 19:37

Randomquestion1 · 03/07/2022 19:31

DW has been saying she doesn't know if the relationship can survive as she can't bear to be near the DC. DH thinks she needs to get it over with before it becomes a huge thing.

It IS a huge thing

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/07/2022 19:39

She needs time. And it may well be that the relationship has to end.

Sally872 · 03/07/2022 19:39

If she doesn't know relationship can survive then dh needs to be supportive and wait for her to process this information, hoping that in time she can see a future with dsc and dh. Can't be rushed, that would be forcing her to suck it up and pretend to be ok which is really not fair on dw.

SkygardenTower · 03/07/2022 19:41

I think the DH has a point. If they have been trying for that long she must have been in the children’s lives as well so they will notice she is missing. Spending nearly half the week away from home is a lot and I know she is grieving and having to adjust to a new future but she needs to start re-engaging with her husband and step children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/07/2022 19:41

b0wser · 03/07/2022 19:34

I think that she needs to separate her feelings about her own pregnancy losses and how she is feeling about trying to conceive, and how she feels about her step children.

They are children and are living and deserve to have a healthy relationship with their father without feeling guilty of what their step mum is going through.

I think she needs to rip the plaster off and reinstate content and find a way to move forward, or accept that the marriage may not survive this. It's surely only going to make it worse in the long run if she keeps them away.

She can’t. Clearly. That’s what she’s saying. And if you’re not a stepmum who’s found out she’ll probably never be a mum you’re being pretty presumptuous telling her what she needs.

They are children, not her children, they have two parents and she’ll never be one of them. They were fine before she came along, they’re not suffering from time alone with their actual father and won’t be feeling guilt. Wtf is that about?

She’s not keeping them away either is she. They’re doing their normal routine at their dad’s home with their dad. She’s not depriving them of anything.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 03/07/2022 19:43

I think the wife is being unreasonable.

She knew her husband had children when they met and married.

There not babies, even toddlers so I think it's different to if they were very young.

How does the husband feel? He could be mourning the loss of his children too but has carry on parenting.

I think if it's already this big of an issue you need to separate.

BigChesterDraws · 03/07/2022 19:45

I found myself in a similar situation. I was born with an incomplete uterus and only half a cervix. I still have periods but I cannot carry a pregnancy due to this defect. Nothing can get done about that and I am accepting if it, albeit reluctantly.

So I understand the wife’s situation but she can’t hide away forever. It’s not the stepchild’s fault. Or the husband’s. Or anyone’s. It’s unfair, of course it is. But shutting yourself away won’t change anything. And there is so much pleasure in other aspects of marriage and life in general that she is missing out on by hiding away from the husband and the stepchild. It’ll take time.

Suprima · 03/07/2022 19:46

Randomquestion1 · 03/07/2022 19:31

DW has been saying she doesn't know if the relationship can survive as she can't bear to be near the DC. DH thinks she needs to get it over with before it becomes a huge thing.

It is a huge thing.

I had multiple early losses which fortunately for me was only ‘bad luck’, due to my uterus accepting lots of dodgy embryos that wouldn’t every grow properly. I was terrified I had an immune condition that would stop me ever having DC.

I couldn’t bear to see my DH hold our friend’s baby, worried that I would never be able to see him do that with our own children. I couldn’t deal with seeing him parent children he had with a woman he loved once- especially only a month after the horrible news that the DW has had.

Its not sustainable- but she needs to look after her mental health and guard her heart right now. The relationship may not be able to continue- and she might have to seek a child free partner or one with adult children. But her DH needs to understand this and give her time and space to heal, and work towards seeing his children again- if that’s what she wants long term.

If he is expecting her to get over things so soon and continue as usual, he is an utter prick. She isn’t stopping him seeing his kids, just opting out for now. It’s understandable.

bridgetreilly · 03/07/2022 19:49

I think DW may need some counselling, but she absolutely needs to separate her grief about her own situation from her feelings about the children who are already part of her life. They may need to be told that she is sad at the moment and to be kind, but I don’t think it’s good for her or the family just to refuse to see them. Does she really want this sadness to cost her her marriage as well?

PeekAtYou · 03/07/2022 19:50

The DH is unreasonable to think that she should be over the news in 4 weeks. He needs to realise that it's easier for him because he has kids. Is it possible that he can't cope with the kids and wants her to come back because she does the parenting and drudge work?

The wife is reasonable to go to her parents house so contact can continue as normal. She needs to work out if the relationship is over but needs to take her time to assess things.

Whoatealltheminieggs · 03/07/2022 19:51

She’s probably reassessing the whole relationship. She has a right to do that. It’s very different being a stepmom and thinking you’ll have your own one day to being a stepmom grieving and facing the possibility of no biological kids.

Thebeastofsleep · 03/07/2022 19:56

bishbashboshhhhh · 03/07/2022 18:33

It’s only been a month and it sounds like dw needs some time to grieve
why is it unfair to the dsc? They are there to see the dh surely?

So you don't think step kids ever bond with their step parents? I've pretty much got 4 parents, it's ace. I'd have been really sad if my step mum had been avoiding me.

CourtneeLuv · 03/07/2022 19:58

Randomquestion1 · 03/07/2022 18:27

A married couple, DW with no DC and DH with DC from previous relationship.

They have multiple pregnancy losses whilst TTC, some early others not and discover condition which means they may never have a successful pregnancy. DW decides she can't be around DSC at the moment so goes and stays with her parents whenever they stay. She is okay when they aren't there but can't cope being around them or seeing DH parent.

After a month of this the DH doesn't think it can continue any longer as it's unfair on DSC and DW needs to start spending time with them again, DW doesn't feel ready to spend time with them yet and wants to continue going to parents whenever they stay.

(Random vote)

YABU - DH should let his wife deal with it in her own time and understand his DC are a trigger at the moment.

YANBU - DW now needs to start spending time with her DSC even if it's incredibly hard as it's not their fault.

Why does she NEED to spend time with them? They are there to spend rine with their actual parent. I'd tell him to get fucked and continue doing what I needed to do.

CourtneeLuv · 03/07/2022 19:58

Time

Sittingonabench · 03/07/2022 20:00

Both are being reasonable but the DH I think is mid directing. I don’t think it is unfair on DSC -they are there for contact with their dad and aren’t missing out on that. Really it is that he feels it’s unfair on him, limits the relationship as there isn’t a family dynamic and reduces time spent with partner and conditions. Still valid but hiding behind DSC is masking the real issue. The DW is going through something huge and trying to grieve and seeing her partner be a parent may just be too difficult to overcome. The only thing that may help is time. I understand the DH position and suspect fear of losing his DW is causing him to push but often this just pushes further away as it indicates they don’t understand and don’t want to understand, but want to fix. I feel for both of them - it must be very heartbreaking.

stuntbubbles · 03/07/2022 20:03

Four weeks is no time at all in grief terms. It’s a blink of an eye. DH is being incredibly unreasonable and it may be that the relationship ends because of his callous attitude, not the DW needing just some time to grieve.

Dancingwithhyenas · 03/07/2022 20:03

I feel hugely for DW. It’s heartbreaking. I’m not sure avoidance is the best strategy for more than a short while so I do see DH point of view. It’s likely to build it up and so feel even harder. Personally I think it’s really okay for children to know you are sad. I think DW needs support and counselling. It’s horrid situation for both of them. I wish them both healing.