Would you think this unreasonable after pregnancy loss?

[Randomquestion1]

A married couple, DW with no DC and DH with DC from previous relationship.

They have multiple pregnancy losses whilst TTC, some early others not and discover condition which means they may never have a successful pregnancy. DW decides she can't be around DSC at the moment so goes and stays with her parents whenever they stay. She is okay when they aren't there but can't cope being around them or seeing DH parent.

After a month of this the DH doesn't think it can continue any longer as it's unfair on DSC and DW needs to start spending time with them again, DW doesn't feel ready to spend time with them yet and wants to continue going to parents whenever they stay.

(Random vote)

YABU - DH should let his wife deal with it in her own time and understand his DC are a trigger at the moment.

YANBU - DW now needs to start spending time with her DSC even if it's incredibly hard as it's not their fault.

She should be allowed to grieve and come to terms and be ok with being around his children again. It has only just happened.

They are his children, so as long as he spends time with them that's all that matters.

While the DH may have a point about it being a poor long term coping strategy, I’d bet 0% of his concern is for his wife and children, and 100% of his attitude is because he resents having to suddenly take on all parenting responsibilities for the children.
Four weeks is absolutely nothing, but DW should probably be rethinking the relationship anyway. If he can’t empathise with her through this, he will probably be a generally shit and selfish life partner.

@VeryEmptyArms I am so sorry about your baby.
I am 2 years, 2 weeks and 3 days on from my sons stillbirth and the first of those years was spent in some sort of denial where I went to bed every night hoping I'd wake up properly the next day and my baby would be in the bedside crib rather than in a little box on the shelf in the living room.
6 weeks is nothing at all, but you will find your way 💐

A month is no time at all, it must be so very raw.

DH should have more understanding but realistically DW is going to have to find ways to cope or accept her marriage is over. People have to live with grief in all forms and can't expect others to put their lives on hold indefinitely.

If it's been a month, has she even had her first period since receiving the news?

Sounds like he wants her to 'get over it' so he can get the free childcare and sex again.

Children that young staying 3 nights a week need to feel cared for by all adults in the home. I would say joint counselling is vital here and quickly before resentment and pain festers.

A really sad and difficult situation and I feel for both individuals here.

This is a marriage not just a brief relationship so the female her needs to resolve this. But heartbreaking for her so the man needs to be compassionate also.

Unfair to assume ill will from the man here. These are his children and he may be very worried about the impact on them.

I agree. Whilst everyone involved has my sympathies, it must be heartbreaking, unfortunatley life has to carry on. It must be hard on the husband also who lets not forget has also gone through these losses as well and he is still expected to be around and parent his children so that must be hard also, he doesnt get to go away from them when he likes.

Where was sex mentioned by OP?

I read it as he’s not telling her to get over it in terms of forget the pain and grief of her losses, but get over being apart from his children. The longer she stays away the harder it might become to reintegrate and get back to “normal”.

I’m not saying that’s right or wrong. I can’t imagine the pain and distress at repeated losses. She needs time to grieve and process and heal. But he has not only lost babies too but is now “losing” his wife, and the children “losing” their stepmother. Yes he already has children that she doesn’t have, but as we repeatedly see on here the loss of a pregnancy is no less devastating when you already have a child. Surely that goes for both parties. Her loss is more profound and the realisation that she may never be a mother is devastating but it’s not grief top trumps. It’s all round a painful and messy situation and they need help to navigate it - I think counselling would be a good idea.

I feel for them both.

Thanks for the replies. I'm not the DW, but she is a close relative of mine and asked me to post as she is feeling unsure.

I personally think she needs to take whatever time she needs and her husband needs to manage his children's feelings at this time. They don't know what's happened as they are too young, both in primary.

he doesnt get to go away from them when he likes

Well no obviously because they are his children. He is, understandably, taking comfort in his children. I don't feel the same can be expected for his wife, they aren't hers.

Yes he already has children that she doesn’t have, but as we repeatedly see on here the loss of a pregnancy is no less devastating when you already have a child

I'm not sure I agree having personally experienced both sides. I had loss before my child was born and a loss afterwards. The worry of never becoming a mother is very all consuming, far more so than when you are already a mother. In my opinion, perhaps others feel differently of course. But I don't think it can be said he is experiencing the same as his wife, he already gets to experience parenthood. It's of course sad for him too but he isn't potentially facing a childless life.

It's understandable that the DW would find it difficult and wonder if the relationship can survive.

It's understandable that the DH wants the relationship to survive and that necessitates DW coming to terms with spending time with the children.

No one is unreasonable here. It's a very sad thing. Would DW have a chance of DC with a different man, or would it make no difference?

Surely the husband must be upset about the loss of his unborn children. Everyone seems to be talking about the wife being understandably upset, but he must be gutted as well

I don't think anyone would make a point of saying his grief was lesser if they were both similarly struggling with it - though I do think there is a difference between going through this when you have children and when you perhaps never will, especially when your spouse has children. But the fact is he is not respecting her grief, he is riding roughshod over it and expecting her to get over it for the sake of his kids.

So he is treating her wrongly, and demonstrating that he does not understand what she is going through.

She needs time and quite simply she probably doesn’t know how long. In her situation l wouldn’t get any solace from my husbands children. We have fertility issues and other people’s children are the last thing l want to see, especially after a failed cycle of IVF

@Randomquestion1 l agree it’s quite different thinking you will NEVER be a mother. It’s very distressing an overwhelming. Her husband isn’t in the same situation to her at all

This thread has played on my mind because it is such a sad and complex situation. I do think it is understandable that she can’t find solace in spending time with her step children at the moment, maybe she will be able to one day, maybe she won’t. It wouldn’t make her a bad person if she never could.

She’s experiencing the loss of what she believed her future would be. He has children, of course he will be in pain at the news too but having children already does change the landscape.

I have a child, I have been sad at times that having a second child is unlikely. It is not the same as never being able to have a child.

I have step children - if my child died, I would find no solace in them whatsoever.

Having had multiple losses, late, early and ruptured ectopic and having had to face the prospect of being unable to have kids myself, your friend needs time. She may even be suffering from depression or ptsd. Im not being flippant.

Her husband needs to give her time. He cannot possibly understand how she is really feeling as he has kids and has not experienced the physical trauma of the miscarriages.